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This is m first post, I'm posting here because I have nowhere else to turn and now more than ever I just need someone to tell me what to do.
COLLEGE: I'm a sophomore in college, and I failed last semester and I'm failing this one. I have poor work ethic and while it has been improving I almost always fall into a depression during the semester that lasts as long as a month or more and thoroughly ruins my grades. I have sought therapy a few times, but it's either crappy counseling through the school (I've literally been told 'yeah your life is pretty bad') or unaffordable. I am on probation for financial aid, so there's a good chance I actually won't be able to afford to go to college after this semester (and my mother is paying for classes for the summer).
BILLS: I moved out of the house at an early age because of an abusive relationship with my mother, and it was financially better for my family. It has been extremely difficult balancing working enough to pay bills and needs and going to school. I worked two jobs (it was ok), I worked one full time job (it was horrible and my grades plummeted and it didn't even pay all my bills), and now I work two days a week.
I planned to use that money to pay two of my bills -- $250 for the car and $170-200 for my and my mom's phone. My mom paid my car insurance (~$200) and I had a $2000 savings acct that was used to pay for my rent. I wasn't able to get out my old lease until March, but had already signed for this place in January so that account dwindled pretty quickly. I had to pay ~$600 in fees to get someone to take my lease and the fees to leave so that was when everything fell apart. I got behind on my phone bill, insurance payment, and car bill and I still haven't bought the online course for one of my classes. I'm also in debt to my credit card for $1400 dollars.
Meanwhile my pay check keeps getting smaller (my boss sent me home one day because I was late, I don't work overtime anymore, sometimes I eat in the cafeteria because I can't afford food and they deduct it from your paycheck) so I've only been getting $173-189 every two weeks. I got caught up in this game of paying a little here and a little there and as of right now, I need to pay $193 for my car insurance (originally got this money from my mother but had to spend it on another bill) apparently for LAST month by THURSDAY, $215 for the phone bill this month, $300 for my car note because I only paid $150 last month and I still have $250 for this month.
The money I have currently right now is $15 in savings, $120-130 in cash. I started training for a waitressing job but I didn't go yesterday because I was sick and didn't have time to study for a test I had and bombed that day. I'm going to see if they'll still hire me, but it's overwhelming. I also have an interview for another job Friday but I don't know where I will fit that in my schedule or if they'll hire me or pay more.
SOCIAL: I have no one. My mom helps out here and there but it's always an ordeal, she really can't help more than she has, and I can never give her the full picture of how screwed I am because she wouldn't be able to do anything besides be even more pissed. She also was recently robbed, and she's a foreigner so she has ridiculous concepts of things like this (she just stopped paying the mortgage and our house was foreclosed two years later, she never paid the cancellation fee for her old phone plan so she has that on her record, also mildly schizophrenic). My best friend lives too far and is as broke as me, my other friend and ex is a professional leech with no bills, no responsibilities, and a modest pizza job, so he can't help and usually makes things worse. That's my support system.
MENTAL: I have suicidal ideations every day, I cry all the time, I'm morbidly obese although I managed to lose 3 pounds this week. I do self-destructive things like skip class or stay up late or splurge on a binging fest. I visited CO for a week during my birthday and had a great time, felt happy and hopeful, and then returned to reality and tons of debts.
TLDR: I have been so stressed I'm very seriously considering prostitution (too fat), selling everything I own (which is a bunch of clothes, a TV, a tinted moisturizer, some furniture), or skipping town. I know I'm going to get slaughtered for the horrible choices I've made, but I feel like I'm standing on the beach watching the wave about to crash and there is no one to help me. What do I do?
Last edited by hopelesslsu; 04-12-2016 at 04:37 PM..
Please reach out to the student services office of your college immediately. Call them or cut and paste this exact post into an email and send it to them right now. You are in crisis and this is beyond what people on a message board will be able to help you with. You owe it to yourself to seek help, you can turn this around. It doesn't have to stay this way forever.
Talk therapy can be almost useless if you are too depressed to actively participate with your therapist on solutions to your issues.
First things I suggest would be seek mental health intervention from your school and/or a psychiatrist or medical doctor who can prescribe medication to treat your depression. As a side benefit, some antidepressants like Prozac have the side effect of losing weight.
You also need medical intervention regarding your obesity. See a doctor.
In addition, see if there are any support groups in your area you could attend to engage with others in the same situation. You will see that there are people even worse off than you who have overcome your same situation, or that your situation is not as bad as you think it is. Depression makes everything seem worse than it is. In most places, the local newspaper has listings of different types of support groups in the area. Lots of them are free or cheap. Go to your library or online to find this info.
Find the national suicide hotline and keep it handy. Call them before you think too much about doing something. Suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problems. Millions of people have been where you are or worse and are now living happy fulfilling lives. You can always kill yourself later. Learn to tell yourself that. Postpone suicide. You are nowhere near being out of options to live a happy life.
If that doesn't work, promise yourself you will call 911 before you attempt suicide. They will take care of you if no one else will.
But, seriously to avoid all these extremes, get yourself to a shrink/doctor who can determine if medicine can help you.
Next realize that depression can cause you to think irrationally no matter how smart you are and you seem pretty smart. Even doctors don't know exactly how it works, but they do almost all agree that it causes irrational thinking.
One of the best treatments for this part of depression while you are waiting for medication to work is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Google the book "Feeling Good" by David Burns. Go to your library and check it out. Read/Reread.
Practice the exercises there and seek a therapist that specializes in this. The book and maybe his website have self assessments to determine how depressed you are. Find one of these and anything worse than normal ups and downs or mild depression, you absolutely need professional help.
It sounds like your biggest problem is that you didn't have proper parenting as you were growing up. I'm sorry and that's a lousy hand to be dealt. Again, it happens to millions of people and they figure out how to overcome it. You can too. It takes time, but you can overcome all this.
The most important thing is to prioritize your problems and break them down into manageable pieces.
Looking at them all at the same time would overwhelm most people and paralyze them to the point they cant take action.
Your most pressing priority is getting mental health treatment and reducing your weight to treat your overall health.
Will you take those steps? If you commit to that, you will get a lot more help from this forum.
Please reach out to the student services office of your college immediately. Call them or cut and paste this exact post into an email and send it to them right now. You are in crisis and this is beyond what people on a message board will be able to help you with. You owe it to yourself to seek help, you can turn this around. It doesn't have to stay this way forever.
I agree with all of this. In addition, finding a good church or support group could be good as well. Abuse issues from childhood don't just get better on their own. You will likely have to work harder to maintain a "normal" equilibrium than most people.
Blondy's advice was good, too. I also recommend the book Feeling Good. It's been around forever and people who do the exercises he presents in the book will benefit from it.
You mentioned being obese. Sometimes a 12 step program like Overeater's Anonymous can help with that. A lot of obese people have abuse issues. I have a friend who went to OA and she lost 60 lbs and has kept the weight off for years now. Not eating right can also contribute to depression as well. Studies have found that a Mediterranean Diet can reduce incidence of depression. Your sponsor at OA can really help you with all those little details to keep you in the right eating habits.
The study, involving more than 15,000 people, shows a diet loaded with fruit, vegetables, beans and nuts and olive oil, with low levels of processed meats, could prevent the onset of depression.
I feel bad for you. It sounds like you've had a tough childhood and are dealing with some depression. Mental illness is no joke and you need to really address it. If the help offered through the school is subpar please seek help from someone qualified to help you, even if it's difficult to pay for.
Please reach out to the student services office of your college immediately. Call them or cut and paste this exact post into an email and send it to them right now. You are in crisis and this is beyond what people on a message board will be able to help you with. You owe it to yourself to seek help, you can turn this around. It doesn't have to stay this way forever.
^^^ this.
You are depressed and I think you'll need to see a doctor for that. Maybe some pills will help you.
Also, I will suggest dropping from school for the time being. Try to find a full-time job that you won't dread. Get your bills paid off and then some $$ in the bank.
Listen, you have the power to remake your life into ANYTHING you want it to be. So, what is it that you want for yourself? Spend some time imagining your perfect life. What sort of work are you doing? What are you doing in your free time? What sort of relationships do you have with others? What sort of geographical locale? What is the state of your finances? What have you accomplished? What are you working towards accomplishing next? Brainstorm and really think about these questions and more.
The next step is to begin making choices which lead you towards that ideal life you have imagined for yourself. And remember, you absolutely CAN do what you determine you WILL do.
Please reach out to the student services office of your college immediately. Call them or cut and paste this exact post into an email and send it to them right now. You are in crisis and this is beyond what people on a message board will be able to help you with. You owe it to yourself to seek help, you can turn this around. It doesn't have to stay this way forever.
Agreed. There is nothing any of us can say on there that will really help you. The counselors at your college should be the first step. I assume the "lsu" part of your handle stands for "Louisiana State University" so you might reach out to service providers in Baton Rouge.
If that is not your actual location, you can just google "low cost mental health services" and find something in your area. If you have health insurance, you might call the helpline and ask what mental health services are available & what clinics you can reach out to.
I second the suggestion that college is probably not right for you at the moment. College is stressful. It's intense. It's expensive. It is not a place to "find yourself." It will not solve your problems. It will just make them worse if you fail out. You need to get your own life and health in order before you re-start college. As of now, you're just hurting yourself trying to add the stress of college to your life. I recommend dropping your classes, looking for work to pay your immediate bills and focusing on your own health.
I will say that things can and will improve for you if you seek out help. Your health is the most important thing. You cannot fix any of your other problems, which CAN be fixed, without getting your physical and mental health squared away.
To leave you with a positive thought - your writing is quite good. You express your thoughts and anxieties clearly, which tells me that you're smart and have something going for you. You can fix things.
I have seen similar problems before. From my observations people were trying to help. From the person opinion no one was any good. I think part of the persons problem was they could not tell if someone was really trying to help. Thus go back to the school counseling and decide that they are really trying to help you and you make up your mind that you are going to stick with the counseling.
Good luck
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