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Part of the discomfort could be from the idea that when a person gives a compliment, there is often an underlying message of superiority on the part of the compliment-giver. When person 1 tells person 2 "that's a nice outfit," person 1 is also implying "I'm a good judge of clothes, I have the ability to decide what a nice outfit is, and I've just made a judgment about you." The complimenter is taking the position that they are in a position to "declare" a judgment about you.
If person 1 said "I like your outfit" it doesn't have superiority implied in it. They're just saying they like it, not that they've determined it to be nice, or attractive, or fashionable. The "I" compliment is generally perceived as more genuine.
I remember learning that back in college in a communication skills class, and it kind of clicked with me. I had felt for years that I was uncomfortable with most compliments. I started paying attention, and when people gave me a compliment by "declaring" something about me as "good" they were often putting themselves in a one-up position over me. Those were the times I felt uncomfortable with compliments. This is not a universal rule, but very often the case.
Often the compliment-giver doesn't even realize they're doing it. and often the receiver doesn't know why they felt uncomfortable afterward. The compliment-giver needs to really be open to honest self-examination. I watched myself, and saw that when I felt a little superior to a person, or when I secretly felt a little inferior and wanted to take them down a peg, I would give a "declaring" compliment (i.e., "That drawing is good" or "that sweater is pretty" or "you did a great job on that presentation"). When I genuinely felt positively toward the person, and I genuinely admired the thing or action I was complimenting, I gave more of an "I like" compliment (i.e., "I really like how you drew that" or "I like that sweater!" or "I really enjoyed the presentation you gave, and I got a lot out of it").
Again, this is not a universal rule, but it does underlie a lot of human interaction in which we unconsciously or subconsciously set up our pecking order, who is above whom.
To be perfectly honest, I feel that 99% of the time a "compliment" is really just an attempt to get something out of the other person-- to flatter and butter them up. This could be innocuous, such as the daily give and take in a healthy relationship, or more sinister if someone is trying to smooth you over before doing something negative to you. Feedback is totally different-- this, to me, is an honest assesment of how someone is doing, behaving, appearing, etc. If I say "You really did a good job in X situation" to someone at work, that is not taken as a compliment, but as feedback.
Interesting distinctions^
There can be innocuous or nefarious instances, depending on the relationship one has with the person offering up the compliment.
I want feedback, useful data-not glossy dishonest/overly optimistic platitudes.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TracySam
Part of the discomfort could be from the idea that when a person gives a compliment, there is often an underlying message of superiority on the part of the compliment-giver. When person 1 tells person 2 "that's a nice outfit," person 1 is also implying "I'm a good judge of clothes, I have the ability to decide what a nice outfit is, and I've just made a judgment about you." The complimenter is taking the position that they are in a position to "declare" a judgment about you.
If person 1 said "I like your outfit" it doesn't have superiority implied in it. They're just saying they like it, not that they've determined it to be nice, or attractive, or fashionable. The "I" compliment is generally perceived as more genuine.
I remember learning that back in college in a communication skills class, and it kind of clicked with me. I had felt for years that I was uncomfortable with most compliments. I started paying attention, and when people gave me a compliment by "declaring" something about me as "good" they were often putting themselves in a one-up position over me. Those were the times I felt uncomfortable with compliments. This is not a universal rule, but very often the case.
Often the compliment-giver doesn't even realize they're doing it. and often the receiver doesn't know why they felt uncomfortable afterward. The compliment-giver needs to really be open to honest self-examination. I watched myself, and saw that when I felt a little superior to a person, or when I secretly felt a little inferior and wanted to take them down a peg, I would give a "declaring" compliment (i.e., "That drawing is good" or "that sweater is pretty" or "you did a great job on that presentation"). When I genuinely felt positively toward the person, and I genuinely admired the thing or action I was complimenting, I gave more of an "I like" compliment (i.e., "I really like how you drew that" or "I like that sweater!" or "I really enjoyed the presentation you gave, and I got a lot out of it").
Again, this is not a universal rule, but it does underlie a lot of human interaction in which we unconsciously or subconsciously set up our pecking order, who is above whom.
I shrink from what I call "global" compliments ("you are so smart", etc.), because those trigger my brain to disagree-
as I'm not thoroughly smart, I'm just smart in one way, in some small corner of my being-it's not true for most things that I'm smart.
"Contextual" compliments ("I thought that was a clever solution") don't evoke my orneriness or lie-detector mindset so much,
because it sounds more like just an opinion, and how can I argue with another person's subjectivity ?
Plus, it's a narrow compliment, relating to a specific action I took, which I find more believable-
rather than a too broad compliment that strikes my ear as hyperbole.
In many cases, accept a compliment and you've become a slave to that person. Thus, the anger, hostility!
I've heard it too often, working in a nursing home:
"You're my favorite Nurse's Aide, the hardest-working, the most compassionate, everything you do is so professional!"
Alright! Now I'm a slave to those people! I must do everything to maintain that compassion, hard work, and professionalism. And? There's days I'm too tired, drained to maintain those roles! No time off? I can no longer have a day of being amateurish, lazy, showing no compassion? Ah! They now have a rope around my neck in the form of compliments!
"I've never had better sex than with you! You're so consistent!"
Yikes! Boy, does ever put pressure/stress on you!!!
Compliments? No thanks!!! Tell me I'm the worst ever, and I'll give you a kiss and a hug!
In many cases, accept a compliment and you've become a slave to that person. Thus, the anger, hostility!
I've heard it too often, working in a nursing home:
"You're my favorite Nurse's Aide, the hardest-working, the most compassionate, everything you do is so professional!"
Alright! Now I'm a slave to those people! I must do everything to maintain that compassion, hard work, and professionalism. And? There's days I'm too tired, drained to maintain those roles! No time off? I can no longer have a day of being amateurish, lazy, showing no compassion? Ah! They now have a rope around my neck in the form of compliments!
"I've never had better sex than with you! You're so consistent!"
Yikes! Boy, does ever put pressure/stress on you!!!
Compliments? No thanks!!! Tell me I'm the worst ever, and I'll give you a kiss and a hug!
that reminds me of an old saying we have in my native land:
"it's better to owe money than favors" because the money you can pay it back but you will always owe the favor.
If someone compliments me, even on something that I know I am good at (I know I am a very talented artist.) why do I feel the need to distance from them afterwards? Anyone feel this way?
I don't feel the "need to distance" myself from them, but I'll usually turn away or change the subject...quick. I'm not sure why I shy away from compliments...I think it could have something to do with growing up and never receiving praise for a job well done..only put downs, harsh words , and threats about what would happen if I didn't do a good job (at least the way I was expected to)...Maybe when you've not much experience with being complimented you feel that maybe don't really deserve them...I don't know....now that I'm older I know to just say a quick thanks, to get it over with.
If someone compliments me, even on something that I know I am good at (I know I am a very talented artist.) why do I feel the need to distance from them afterwards? Anyone feel this way?
Could it be something in the way you were raised? I had to learn to accept compliments after someone long ago pointed out that I sounded kind of obnoxious when I would put myself down in response to a compliment. I thought I was doing the right thing, because accepting a compliment would mean that I was thinking too much of myself, and that was BAD. I know now that just a simple "thank you" is OK and sufficient.
I had to do a lot of thinking about why I reacted the way I did, and it sort of opened a can of worms. I'm of Dutch descent, and although my family has been in the US for at least five or six generations, some of the old ways carried down. There's something called "Dutch praise"--it means an insult or a criticism, and criticism was very big with my parents and grandparents. Basically, you weren't supposed to let a child get a "big head" and think too highly of themselves, so putting them down was seen as a good thing. We learned to take on that way of thinking. When someone gives you a compliment, you feel good about yourself--and that feeling had to be squelched!
Glad I'm not alone in this. I learned long ago to just say "thank you" and not follow it up with a self-degrading remark. Granted, the remark is said in my head. I know I have low self-esteem. Compliments make me feel good, then I get uncomfortable, like someone else said, that they'll find out I'm really a fraud.
Truly, the ones I love (said sarcastically) the most are the, "OMG, you've lost so much weight, you look great!!" I so always want to say, "and what was I before? fat and ugly?"
LOL, I feel the same way!
Some people DO give out underhanded, nasty remarks disguised as compliments. I once had a "friend" who did this all the time. We were friends mainly because our husbands were friends and we had kids the same age who played together. But, she would say these weird things. I used to take them to work and tell a coworker friend and we would laugh over her fake compliments.
Regarding my wedding, this woman said, "You made such a beautiful bride. I couldn't believe it was you."
Another time, when walking up the front steps of her house for some party or something, she was on the porch and she turned around and acted surprised to see me and said, "OH! I didn't recognize you coming up the steps. You look so nice."
And so forth. When I divorced my husband, that "friendship" went by the wayside also.
Lol ... around 15 years ago I lost a good deal of weight and I noticed that I was treated much more respectfully and deferentially, both in personal and professional settings. In other words I hadn't realized how much I had been silently judged.
When I realized this I was so P.O.'d that I turned it into a motivation to keep the weight off: "I'm never going to give those shallow twits an excuse to judge me ever again!"
That's a great incentive. I am currently losing weight successfully; however, it is going slowly. I've lost about 19 pounds, but it has taken me six months. I'm good with that--I'm not dieting, but rather made changes in what I will and will not eat on a daily basis, and I'm upping the exercise. I'm also in my 50's so it doesn't just fall off as it did when I was in my 20s and much thinner to begin with.
Anyway, lately I've found that people with whom I'm doing business are acting nicer to me and listening more to my opinion in meetings and whatnot. They are also saying, "what have you done to yourself? You look great." Or they'll say, "I love your new haircut--it's so flattering". There's no new haircut. I cut my hair shorter more than a year ago and the style really hasn't altered that much since then. What it is happening is that the weight loss is starting to become noticeable in me overall, but not as weight loss. I'm very tall, so when you lose or gain weight it's not as immediately recognizable as it is on a smaller person. 20 pounds on a 5'2" woman is far more of an obvious body-size change than it is on a 6'1" woman. So these people are noticing that something has changed, but not quite what.
The point is, as you say, all of a sudden I am getting more respect solely because I look better.
Some people DO give out underhanded, nasty remarks disguised as compliments. I once had a "friend" who did this all the time. We were friends mainly because our husbands were friends and we had kids the same age who played together. But, she would say these weird things. I used to take them to work and tell a coworker friend and we would laugh over her fake compliments.
Regarding my wedding, this woman said, "You made such a beautiful bride. I couldn't believe it was you."
Another time, when walking up the front steps of her house for some party or something, she was on the porch and she turned around and acted surprised to see me and said, "OH! I didn't recognize you coming up the steps. You look so nice."
And so forth. When I divorced my husband, that "friendship" went by the wayside also.
My mom has always been very good at the backhanded compliments like you mention.
Upon seeing my very first apartment: Oh, it looks really nice... Are you going to leave the furniture this way?
Upon my getting my Master's degree: Since you'll never have kids (like my sister), at least I have something to brag about now!
Many times when we got together to go out somewhere: "You look nice! ...Is that what you're wearing?"
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And? There's days I'm too tired, drained to maintain those roles! No time off? I can no longer have a day of being amateurish, lazy, showing no compassion? Ah! They now have a rope around my neck in the form of compliments!
that reminds me of an old saying we have in my native land:
