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Always wear a leather jumpsuit. Since you are Asian, people will assume you are trained in the lethal art of hand-to-hand combat, and they won't [mess] with you.
Haha, that may be what I will have to do. And get myself all tatted lol
First of all, no. No one is obligated to do anything. Second, who is saying they are treating her like crap? OP didn't even say that, just that she perceives she is being taken advantage of, but that is only her perception. "Nice Girl" syndrome is no different than "Nice Guy" syndrome, and it is a dysfunctional coping method within that person, not within society.
My ex bf would offer to do all kinds of things for people, do things no one asked him to do, etc, because that is the way he learned as a child to get praise...however it does not work as an adult, and often he would never ever ask for anything himself, but then blow up and have a tantrum because the people he was being so "nice" to didn't read his mind and reward him by meeting his unspoken needs. In other words, every "nice" thing he did came with a secret IOU attached that the person was never informed of, but when the "debt" was not paid suddenly he was this giant victim who does all nice things for people who don't reciprocate. He would keep a running voucher in his head of everything he did for people, then save it and use it to throw in their face to manipulate them into doing what he wanted...."After I did this and that for you, you're not going to do THIS for me????" Pathetic, manipulative and just about being too timid to say no or ask for anything and not knowing the correct way to connect and bond with people so they try to win affection and friends by doing things for others. There is nothing nice about it, and it's no one's responsibility to correct but OP's.
OP is not your ex- boyfriend! You sounded like someone who was traumatized and projected your dissatisfaction with your ex onto OP.
I'm just pretty soft spoken. Often times I feel like people aren't listening to me or aren't hearing me. When I say something, I often don't get a response. So I repeat myself, unsure of whether they heard me or not. And even then they don't really say much. I feel like I need to put in more energy than other people just to express myself.
I know the "nice girl" syndrome you are talking about. I used to be like that but grew out of it. I think the boundaries thing is more like it. I definitely feel I have boundary issues and need to stand with my opinions more strongly. As of right now, I feel like I can be pushed toward either side in arguments. I've always tried to have an open mind, but am struggling to commit to a side.
I think I'm also talking about a public image. I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and was like wow, I look way too sweet right now. People definitely judge you based on looks so I was thinking of ways to make myself not be perceived as someone to be stepped all over. I know some girls have shaved their heads for the "tough girl" image, but I don't feel that's me.
OP is not your ex- boyfriend! You sounded like someone who was traumatized and projected your dissatisfaction with your ex onto OP.
I think some people are so beset on fake 'nice guys' and fake nice people that they genuinely no longer believe that there are some truly nice people with truly good intentions but just have legitimate trouble standing up for themselves. So people come at them with guns blazing not caring to discern them with those who try to use a facade of kindness to get some desired outcome.
I do believe that the OP needs to set boundaries and/or cut people out of her life for her sake and to teach jerkasses and (w)itches that abrasive, manipulative behavior should not be tolerated in society.
I actually wasn't kidding about the Ming Na Wen thing, BTW. How do you want to be perceived? What kind of person do you want to be? Then work on being that person.
I am a goofball. That's just who I am. I'm awkward, klutzy, forgetful, dorky. But I'm also a competent employee, a little bit of a badass, a warm friend and a very independent person. I think a lot of it involves embracing your contradictions, caring less about what other people think, and trusting yourself. And yes, as others have said - setting your boundaries.
The theme song to Frozen - "Let It Go"? Not as a irrelevant to your situation as you might think.
For most of my life, I made the mistake of thinking I always needed to be nice to people. Being nice and kind is very important to me, but I'm finding out it doesn't matter so much to others. People may say they want to be around nice people (who doesn't), but they don't really respect you. From experience, people take advantage of nice people, they perceive them as weak and step all over them.. they soak up your niceness and try to wring you dry... and yet I still don't feel bitter or angry about it all. Numb and neutral is more like it. I just want to be respected and seem more tough. I feel like it must be a mindset kind of thing. I don't like the idea of hurting or offending anybody, but my fear of that is holding me back from speaking the truth about situations, and I think that's what people don't respect.
I seem to know a lot of Asian women (mostly Chinese) that have that "Don't [mess] with me" attitude about them. I always roll my eyes when somebody mentions submissive Asian or Chinese women, as I know it's just not true. (I've been to China several times as well, so I know it's pretty common for Chinese men to do a majority of the housework in many families in the younger generations.)
Are you in an area that has a decent population of Asians? If so, rather than look at Hollywood, I'd see if you can look at successful Asian women in the business world - especially local ones - and see how they do things differently than you. I'm guessing some of it has to do with how they were raised, but there could be other reasons as well. If they are local, maybe you can meet with them and see what makes them tick?
Last edited by PJSaturn; 11-19-2014 at 08:02 PM..
Reason: Inappropriate language.
For most of my life, I made the mistake of thinking I always needed to be nice to people. Being nice and kind is very important to me, but I'm finding out it doesn't matter so much to others. People may say they want to be around nice people (who doesn't), but they don't really respect you. From experience, people take advantage of nice people, they perceive them as weak and step all over them.. they soak up your niceness and try to wring you dry... and yet I still don't feel bitter or angry about it all. Numb and neutral is more like it. I just want to be respected and seem more tough. I feel like it must be a mindset kind of thing. I don't like the idea of hurting or offending anybody, but my fear of that is holding me back from speaking the truth about situations, and I think that's what people don't respect.
Change your behavior. I am also Asisan, and have a sweet look as well, petite with very long hair, but have been assertive and sometimes rude when the situation calls for it all my life. The reason is I had a very hard childhood and adult life and being nice was not helpful to my survival. And I mean this literally. The main thing that helps is to learn to say, "No." If a creepy guy is bugging you, don't be afraid to tell him in no uncertain terms to buzz off. If a friend asks you to do something you really can't/don't want to help with, tell him her you are not able to, but in a nice way. And above all: Don't loan people money that you are not willing to give them. That's the fastest way to develop deep resentments against people. I have relaxed now that I am in my mid 30s and my life is much easier. I am nicer now, but still stand up for myself when the situation calls for it.
It's the gold standard for learning to set healthy boundaries.
Also change our mindset and take personal responsibility. You are not a victim.
If you allowed yourself to be taken advantage of look inward, not outward.
What? I never heard of this book...I prob need to buy some copies and hand it out!
Yes, it is a mind set and, thus, a look, or 'air'....but still without 'hurting' anyone...
I call it clarity and knowing who I am.
As a 20 yr old...boy was I taken advantage of...I learned pretty fast how to say..."No".
Read the Dog Whisperer Cesar Millan's book on how to train dogs, ha...
be the Alpha in every situation...even how you stand becomes more commanding.
Shaved head? You could dress in black and wear a necklace of a skull? Kidding...
You really missed the point of what I was saying. Do you go around disrespecting other and taking advantage of others just because they are 'too nice'? That's no excuse to be disrespectful towards anyone. If you're really that uncomfortable with it then just say so and walk away. There's no excuse for being a jerk. The problem is people being disrespectful in the first damn place. They're the ones instigating the problems.
You missed my point, which was I don't know that she is being treated disrespectfully or being taken advantage of. Most "Nice" guys and girls THINK they are but it's because they are viewing the world through a dysfunctional lens. We can never look to others to react to our behaviors in any specific way, all we can change is ourselves. If I sit here and tell OP she works with a bunch of a**holes, all that is going to happen is I enable OP to remain a victim. How will that help her?
I want to add a disclaimer, that I myself have "Nice Girl" issues that started in childhood (abandonment issues) and I was needy and insecure. I tried to do things/buy things/be things for people so they'd like me. I let my older brother do wrestling moves from TV on me even though he's 8 years older and often hurt me, because I wanted his approval. In 4th grade, I gave my entire Hot Wheels collection to a boy in my class so he'd choose me to be his partner in the Gym Show. I used to steal money from my mother's purse to buy HER gifts. I gave my virginity to a boy who offered me nothing in return, I just assumed if I do this, he'll like me....instead he told the entire school and I lived with a reputation for the rest of my school career. In later years, I would make myself into a Geisha girl to please men who never promised me anything, and in some cases told me upfront they didn't want a relationship. Instead of respecting myself enough to walk away, I instead engaged in the dysfunctional dance of "earning" his love, trying to prove how "different" I was so he'd fall in love with me...
ALL the above is on me...I made all those choices, no one made me do anything. That is a GOOD realization, because if it's in my hands alone and I alone take responsibility for my life, then I could actually change my life. I worked hard over the past 10 years or so to deepen my love and respect for myself, I learned through practice that people won't stop liking me if I say "no", in fact they like me and respect me more. I learned to only give what I wanted to and to stop trying to guess what others want. I learned to let go of people who liked me only for what I gave. It's a never ending process and one I will battle on some level my entire life, but again it is MY personal battle, no one else's, and no one else's responsibility. I create my happiness, no one else. That's a good thing to realize, not a bad one.
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