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Gray Horse. I am sorry you have had to endure this situation your whole life.
Google Sam Vaknin and watch some of his videos on narcissist personality disorder. I am not claiming to be a medical professional, but just taking a guess, it looks as this disorder describes your brother.
There is not anything you can do to help your brother, if this is what he has. The only thing you can do is protect yourself and it sounds like you do. As far as protecting your parents, the nursing home is doing the right thing in regards to your father. I am not sure they can actually file a restraining order. Does a restraining order not have to be filed from a person or can a business also file one? I am unsure on this point.
In respect to your mother, it may sound harsh, but it sounds as if your parents have enabled your brother his whole life. Your mother was right in removing the key and changing the alarm code, but these things are going to enrage your brother.
There is no changing someone with a narcissist personality disorder. He can not change and there is no therapy out there that can truly help. He can learn consequences, though, and it would be best if the man he assaulted did file charges.
1) It is important to understand that there is NOTHING you can do to control your brother's actions or make him face consequences. It is out of your hands. Whatever he may do in the future is not your fault.
2) I actually wouldn't talk to your brother about this at all. Let the police arrest him, which they likely will. And then if you speak to him after he's arrested, then let him know how serious this is and how much he needs help pr else he could do something that gets him imprisoned for a long time.
Thank you - I don't talk with him, and he knows why. I am forced to see him maybe once a year at family get togethers.
You brother can be involuntarily committed for psychiatric evaluation if he is judged to be a danger to himself or to others. He is clearly the latter.
Call the police and ask them about this. They should have a record of his attack on the lady at the nursing home, and the nursing home staff should be able to corroborate it. Were there witnesses to the attack? Also let the police know of his long history of violence, dating back to childhood.
Also, if your brother has ever put any similar threats in writing - email, Facebook, actual writing or voicemail - this could be used to get him put away.
Trouble is, he sounds quite capable of charming his way out of involuntary commitment, and would likely be out again in 48 hours to four weeks.
Get your mother's locks and phone numbers changed, and get motion detector lights put in place around her house. Notify her neighbors, and ask the police to keep an eye on her place. It would be helpful if someone would call and check on her each morning and evening, too - there are services which can do this, if you are unable to do so personally. A medic-alert necklace would also be helpful. Does she have a cell phone with her at all times? (in her pocket, not on a nearby table...). Are her windows locked and secure? How about getting a storm door with bars in place?
NAMI includes local support groups and hotlines for family members of people with mental illness. They might have some good advice for you - and for your mother, who understandably must have mixed feelings, but who sounds as if she is in denial, along with understanding and support.
Best wishes to you and your mother.
Last edited by CraigCreek; 11-30-2014 at 01:04 PM..
The nursing home incident should be reported to the home supervisors, and under most laws today the victim isn't the one who decides charges should proceed. Your brother, a visitor, threatened residents within the home, who may not have the capacity to advocate for themselves.
Homes don't want a track record but it should be in their "mission" statement, posted on the wall at the home entrance. If they don't have one, I can send you a copy. Police/nurses/staff should be on this fast, first with a "you're leaving immediately" and "you're banned from here" directive, which is usually within their power and liability.
Someone dropped the ball on this one.
As far as his other issues, the whole idea of being a narcissist or higher end con men is that they're usually too smart to leave physical evidence of their actions. If he's so charming, he shouldn't need to use violence: it's not usually connected unless he's having "kodak moments". Did he ever do any real good drugs? Think drug flashbacks. That'll get you violent moments.
You could speak to the nursing home and have them file a restraining order against your brother to keep him off the premises. Your father and other residents would at least be safe from him and your mother could visit in peace.
More problematic is filing a restraining order / order of protection against hm to keep him away from your mother. Since he hasn't overtly done anything to her she may have a very difficult time getting one.
She would have to document abuse against her by your brother.
Tough situation.
Yes, the nursing home should ban him from there.
And as for the wife using the bathroom - isn't there a bathroom for visitors? I know that he had no business pushing the lady, but I've never used my mother's bathroom in her room at the home.
I have a very high tolerance of pain. She is sorry for not believing me.
Both she and my father did not have the best of examples for parents. My psycho brother used to have all out fights with my father, it was not a normal upbringing but they did the best they could to control the mentally ill son.
There is no sense in looking back, mistakes were made by my parents on a very tough path they were ill prepared for.
The goal today is to keep everyone in my family safe from a violent psychopath.
A fractured skull needs medical attention and no "high tolerance of pain" is going to make it miraculously cure itself.
I think your story is part bulls****, part jealously, and part truth.
If you believe your mother is in danger, call Elder Services and explain the situation to them.
If your brother assaulted another visitor at the nursing home, then SHE needs to press charges. If he goes to jail, that's his problem and no one else's.
If your brother was the golden child and you weren't, get over it. He was their fave, you weren't. You're out of the house, presumably in your 50s (since you say he's 53), and have your own life. Stop worrying about his. The only person you need to be worried about is yourself. Your mother failed to protect you as a child and now SHE will deal with the aftermath.
If you call Elder Services to get her help and she refuses help or minimizes the situation, you just have to let it go. If he does eventually kill her, he will be in prison for life and your problem is gone.
A fractured skull needs medical attention and no "high tolerance of pain" is going to make it miraculously cure itself.
I think your story is part bulls****, part jealously, and part truth.
If you believe your mother is in danger, call Elder Services and explain the situation to them.
If your brother assaulted another visitor at the nursing home, then SHE needs to press charges. If he goes to jail, that's his problem and no one else's.
If your brother was the golden child and you weren't, get over it. He was their fave, you weren't. You're out of the house, presumably in your 50s (since you say he's 53), and have your own life. Stop worrying about his. The only person you need to be worried about is yourself. Your mother failed to protect you as a child and now SHE will deal with the aftermath.
If you call Elder Services to get her help and she refuses help or minimizes the situation, you just have to let it go. If he does eventually kill her, he will be in prison for life and your problem is gone.
Wow...my brother has never been the golden child, he has had typical middle child syndrome...so my parents over compensated and spoiled him more, which none of us minded, we realized early on he had issues. He has always been the family "problem". The rest of us kids are good, caring, solid community citizens and very successful....one extremely successful, which has been a problem for mental brother.
Have you ever heard your skull crack as someone had you pinned to a tile floor, at the age of 16? I Know I have.
I feel very sorry for you, as you come off as someone that wouldn't give a $hit if you mother was killed by a mentally ill sibling. I was raised with compassion and empathy, and actually enjoy having my mother alive. You somewhat remind me of the character of my brother being discussed here.
Well frankly, if I'd had a psychopathic brother who caused me grave injuries throughout my childhood, and my parents didn't believe me, and instead kept right on letting my brother attack me, then I'd be HOPING they'd get what they've been deserving for decades - to be battered like I was, by my psychopathic brother.
Stop worrying and start gloating.
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