Don't even know where to start... (dating, college, attractive, parent)

[crashnburn12]

(I know I'm writing at a high school level I usually don't but I just don't care about my grammar as I write this. I'm going through a lot so bare with me please, it's not that important right now.)

I felt like I been lonely most of my life, when I was little I had a few friends, as I grew older I was considered lonely, walking down the halls by myself. I wasn't chunky, didn't dress weird, I didn't get picked on or bullied I was just simply alone. I thought I was normal, people told me I was nice, funny, and what was funny is that people told me I look like a model (I'm not bragging its true and I'm too short to be one anyways) but they never asked me to hang out. I was quiet so that was part of the reason why I didn't have a lot of friends but when I did have friends they would leave me left out or I felt like a third-wheel, I always been the third-wheel in everything. I would get irritated and tell myself what did I do wrong. I got so fed up my senior year in high school that I wrote a letter to myself saying that I hate everyone and listed certain names of people who pretended to be my friend or hurt my feelings, that letter wasn't for anyone to read, it was for me only to let all my feelings out and burn it once I was done. Well someone at my school found that note in my binder and made my senior year hell. I was really feeling alone at that time, I sat in one my classes for lunch by myself, had no one to talk to. I came up to all of them literally crying my eyes out, apologizing, explaining what happened begging really for them to forgive me. Well, for the senior project at my school the students had to rate my score of how good I did my presentation, most of the people on that list were in my class so they rated me a zero, almost failing my English class and almost not graduating because of them. The day I graduated no one really clapped for me felt so embarrassed and some of my family didn't even show up.

That's another problem I have is that when it comes to my family I'm so alone. I have a half brother and sister but they don't like me because they are jealous that my dad gives me more things (objects not love) then they did when they were little, so they would give me really bad vibe and attitude every time I would try to visit them. My parents aren't exactly the loveable ones either; they don’t show any affection at all. My dad’s part of the family are over the hill practically and they only care about themselves. My moms part of the family don't say "hi" or even look at me, one time I went to a family party and they didn't know I was there until the end of the party when they realized I was there sitting on their couch by myself. I'm trying to forgive and forget but right now at this point of my life I'm really feeling lonely, I’m always scared of someone judging me or thinking I'm a horrible person because of my past. I been sexually abused when I was a little kid and the other events that happened me, its hard to keep everything so bottled in now that I am finally understanding that everything I been through wasn't normal.

It's hard for me to find a job and move out of my parent’s house because of my self-esteem. Right now I'm volunteering at my local hospital trying to get out of my comfort zone and move forward but its so hard doing it alone. That brings me to my next issue, I been dating this guy for two years and he makes me feel so lonely. Part of the reason why that is is because my parents don't approve of him, though they never met him. Since I live under my parents house I'm following my theirs rules respectfully, they are paying for my school tuition, my gas, and etc. so it's hard for me to see him. The only communication we had was through texts and calls. We used to talk to each other on the phone almost every night to now where we only talk maybe twice a week for ten minutes at each time. He makes me feel so low now because he always talks about women, says stupid things and now to busy to text me back right away on his days off. He makes me feel like he is cheating on me and its driving me crazy because I don't know how to let go. He was like my best friend a friend I never had and it breaks my heart because I cry every night I feel like I lost hope. I should never cry over a guy but when I cry I always bring up things from my past and bring everything to the table over and over.

But anyways, I know I shared a lot of personal information but honestly I just wanted to share my story for someone out there that feels the same way or is going through what I'm going through to make him or her feel that they are not alone. I'm studying to become a nurse so that I can care somebody or anybody that needs assistance. I don't know why I want to help others even when I feel that a lot of people betrayed me but I just want to be there for someone even if it is just saying Hi and smiling to a random stranger making their day.

I know my grammar is really really poor but I was crying the whole time as I was writing this and I just wanted to get it off my chest for a good reason, not a hate letter.
Thank you.

[katharsis]

I am so sorry for what you have experienced and for what you are still going through. No advice, really, except to say that I think you should concentrate on what makes you happy and try to ignore the other garbage in your life.

I'm a loner, too, and I also was a "geek" for many year; and I also had family problems, guy problems, etc. The point is that if you don't give up and as long as you can maintain your health and a job that pays the bills, it WILL get better. When you are in the midst of depression, that can be hard to believe, but as long as you have reasonably good health, there IS hope.

Again, just concentrate on the things that make you happy -- and take it one day at a time.

[Tracysherm]

You're in college, so there has to be a counseling center on campus for students. Please, go in and get some help. There's nothing to be ashamed of.

You went through early childhood trauma that never got addressed. It's very likely at the root of your low self-esteem and isolation. A lot of people don't realize how a past trauma has affected them, thinking "I survived it, I must be okay now." But something like child sexual abuse affects a person in very insidious ways, affecting how you think and feel about yourself, how you relate to other people, how you trust other people, how you behave, interact, and make choices. Then you got re-traumatized by the treatment you received from peers in high school. Each subsequent loss or trauma will just hammer you down further unless you start working on the core issues, and get some support in doing so.

It can, and will, get a lot better if you get some help. You deserve it.

[nickerman]

Most of us have a lot of baggage to deal with. Some are much worse than yours. You can look at it that way and it won't hurt anybody.

[mysticaltyger]

Originally Posted by TracySam

You're in college, so there has to be a counseling center on campus for students. Please, go in and get some help. There's nothing to be ashamed of.

You went through early childhood trauma that never got addressed. It's very likely at the root of your low self-esteem and isolation. A lot of people don't realize how a past trauma has affected them, thinking "I survived it, I must be okay now." But something like child sexual abuse affects a person in very insidious ways, affecting how you think and feel about yourself, how you relate to other people, how you trust other people, how you behave, interact, and make choices. Then you got re-traumatized by the treatment you received from peers in high school. Each subsequent loss or trauma will just hammer you down further unless you start working on the core issues, and get some support in doing so.

It can, and will, get a lot better if you get some help. You deserve it.

I absolutely agree with this. Childhood sexual abuse is a HUGE deal.

When you are sexually abused as a child, it's like having an inner compass that gets broken. People and situations that wouldn't be attractive to non-abused people somehow become attractive to those who have been abused. It's often uncanny how someone who has been abused as a child attracts negative people and situations to themselves even with no effort on their part whatsoever.

I know several people who were sexually abused as children and they all have one or more of the following problems:

--gender identity issues (one person I know was born male but lives as a female even though he's never had the operation.)

--Become pedophiles/sexual abusers themselves.

--Alternatively, they become victims of other people. It could be sexually, but often they end up with "the short end of the stick" in business or job negotiations. They sometimes will play both abuser and victim roles depending on the relationship.

--They have trouble managing money. They run up debts no matter their income. Or, alternatively, they struggle to earn a decent living. Sometimes they go between both extremes. Either can't earn a good living but when they do, or they spend everything they make and then some.

--They are more likely to have substance abuse issues.

--I know two who seem to believe they don't deserve anything good in life. Sometimes they can be very positive outwardly, but this positive outward behavior is often a cover up for deep seeded feelings of worthlessness/unworthiness. The "I don't deserve" type of emotion usually results in a lot of self sabotage (allowing obvious abusers into their lives who take advantage of them and thwart progress toward any of their life goals). The self sabotage can involve working very hard at things but never seeming to get anywhere. Stability is often uncomfortable for them. They often have trouble living a life without abuse or drama going on in one form or another.

I could go on and on, but I've ranted enough already. The bottom line, Crashburn12, is just because you survived this abuse doesn't mean everything's ok. It most definitely follows you if you don't get treatment for it. You're probably going to have to work on making adjustments to that broken inner compass for the rest of your life. Sounds like a drag, but the alternative is much, much, worse.