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I have a family member who is like that, we live together. And they're always putting their stuff on mine, then get mad when I have to move it. Why do people do that? There has to be a reason. Is it some sort of inferiority complex? Or a superiority complex?
This a-hole brought home a bag of potatoes and a bag of onions. They look around the kitchen (I was watching them on the security camera) and they ultimately decided to put the bags on the buckets of cat litter at the far end of the kitchen. The same buckets I open every freaking day so I can add more litter to the litter box. WTH? Why? Why of all places would someone put those food items there? They could've put them on the table that's right beside that bucket, but no, they have to put them on the bucket.
They're always doing stuff like that. Any thoughts on why someone would do that? I feel like it's personal. It has to be. Although, I would think it's more of a subconscious thing than deliberate, but I couldn't say for sure.
In case someone is wondering why there are buckets of cat litter in the kitchen, I have nowhere else to store them. When COVID hit the U.S., I thought it best to stock up on cat litter. It would be far worse to run out of that and pet food than to run out of toilet paper. The table is basically for houseplants, we don't eat there.
Since you saw him do it, why didn't you wait until he was out of there, and go in and put your cat litter on top of his bags of potatoes and onions?...tit for tat!!!
Maybe he'd get the message.
I have a family member who is like that, we live together. And they're always putting their stuff on mine, then get mad when I have to move it. Why do people do that? There has to be a reason. Is it some sort of inferiority complex? Or a superiority complex?
This a-hole brought home a bag of potatoes and a bag of onions. They look around the kitchen (I was watching them on the security camera) and they ultimately decided to put the bags on the buckets of cat litter at the far end of the kitchen. The same buckets I open every freaking day so I can add more litter to the litter box. WTH? Why? Why of all places would someone put those food items there? They could've put them on the table that's right beside that bucket, but no, they have to put them on the bucket.
They're always doing stuff like that. Any thoughts on why someone would do that? I feel like it's personal. It has to be. Although, I would think it's more of a subconscious thing than deliberate, but I couldn't say for sure.
In case someone is wondering why there are buckets of cat litter in the kitchen, I have nowhere else to store them. When COVID hit the U.S., I thought it best to stock up on cat litter. It would be far worse to run out of that and pet food than to run out of toilet paper. The table is basically for houseplants, we don't eat there.
Don't ever underestimate how inconsiderate and/or stupid some people are.
Family or not, when it comes to them being an, "a-hole" as you said, it's time to start thinking about moving out. I don't know how you came to live w/ this inconsiderate fam member & I don't know how long you've lived w/ him/her, but don't you want to get outta there? I know I would.
They sound like a certain minor level of narcississist in which it's all about them & their possessions & to hell w/ everyone else yet they treat everyone's else's stuff like their own or like trash, never their fault about anything, etc. (They may have a higher level if I knew more about their behavior.) Narcs have no good qualities as you'd learn if you ever did rearch on them. They're cold heartless robots.
Family or not, when it comes to them being an, "a-hole" as you said, it's time to start thinking about moving out. I don't know how you came to live w/ this inconsiderate fam member & I don't know how long you've lived w/ him/her, but don't you want to get outta there? I know I would.
They sound like a certain minor level of narcississist in which it's all about them & their possessions & to hell w/ everyone else yet they treat everyone's else's stuff like their own or like trash, never their fault about anything, etc. (They may have a higher level if I knew more about their behavior.) Narcs have no good qualities as you'd learn if you ever did rearch on them. They're cold heartless robots.
So, what are you going to do?
This. And yes, you're right OP; it's more of a subconscious thing. They're not entirely aware they're doing it. They're not capable of putting themselves in others' shoes, and viewing their actions from someone else's perspective. They're deficient that way.
So, have you spoken up to this person? Have you drawn boundaries? (This tends not to work with narcissists if done in a tit-for-tat way, but if you speak up and are clear about what will not be tolerated, the message has a chance of sinking in.)
To be fair, this person does have mental health issues. There's cognitive impairment and possibly OCD (certain things have to be just so).
We actually had a conversation about these issues the day prior, he was the one that came to me. Interestingly, everytime I called him out on something, he manipulated everything and turned it back on me. He never gave answers to anything.
I make and drink exactly 3 cups of coffee a day because I have a sleep disorder and I need the caffeine to stay awake. So today, I was watching him on the kitchen security cam and caught this f**ker pouring himself a cup of my coffee. Then he starts digging through the refrigerator and gets into the little bit of creamer I have left. So now I either have to make myself 1 cup of coffee or make myself a cup of tea (yuck). I've spoken to him about this before and he doesn't understand the big deal. It is a big deal to me, because I have to waste another filter and cause more wear and tear on the coffeemaker. Plus, I have to spend time making the coffee and waiting for it to cool down because I HATE hot coffee, lukewarm is what I like. Yet, if I took one of his drinks without asking, he'd become enraged. If I were to tell him he's a hypocrite, he'd turn it around on me and it would be my fault.
Unfortunately, the security camera is about 30 seconds behind so by the time I see him do something, it's too late to catch him in the act. He doesn't know about the security camera. I originally bought it to see which pet was causing issues at night. Then when I became suspicious of someone getting into my stuff, I started using it in the kitchen. I don't want him to know about it. I feel kind of dirty using it, but if he wasn't so dishonest there wouldn't be a need to use it. Now I'm going to buy a few more and put one in my bedroom and my other room.
One time I found my old $70 tape recorder in the family room in his pile of junk. I never knew how it got there, if I left it sitting around and he picked it up or if he came into my bedroom and stole it. Either way, he had to know it wasn't his.
I really only posted here because I wanted to understand the psychology of what he's doing. I can't move out because I'm sort of disabled and I have nowhere else to go. Technically, it's his house, but his wife is on my side. She's tired of his crap too. He's a bully though. He's not physically abusive, but he makes threats and gets up in our face. I usually try to stay the heck away from him. He doesn't like it when he enters a room and I immediately leave. He doesn't want me to do that anymore. So now I don't know how long I'm supposed to stand there twiddling my thumbs before I can leave. He's definitely getting worse.
After thinking about it, I guess he could be a narcissist. I don't know that he always was. I think his cognitive impairment may have caused some of these behaviors. His wife is trying to find a specialist so he can get another in-depth mental health evaluation. It's hard to find those kinds of doctors around here. The one he was referred to was one he saw in the past and completely had the doctor fooled. Sometimes, I think that's why we don't get along - because he can fool everyone except me. He actually had his wife fooled until I pointed things out to her, then she started seeing the truth.
But again, I just want to understand what is going through his head, what is wrong with him. I mean, I can and have overlooked some things, but I'm getting tired of having to bend over backwards to avoid confrontation or having my things stolen. I don't know if understanding his behavior will help me or not.
OMG, now it's ALL coming out now! Whether your fam member has, "cognitive impairment and possibly OCD" or not, it's obviously minor enough that they know what they're doing, so it's deliberate. Narcs know exactly what they're doing. I know all about it. My fiance's come to learn that all 5 members of his immediate fam are narcs & has gone no-contact w/ them all. He's had to for his own well being.
His wife may not even watn to bother trying to find a psychologist, which he really needs one who specializes in narcissism, but psychs can't really help w/ narcissism. His wife might as well divorce him ASAP because she's in for a LONG, miserable, frustrated road. They'll suck the life out of everyone around them for as long as they can...until the other person finally gets fed up & leaves.
There are so many aspects of narcissism, but one thing is they can't love. They're incapable of it...they can't give nor receive it. It's all about what can people do for them & it's all about THEM. They always have an agenda. Narcissism is VERY interesting, but those types of individuals are truly sad & miserable, so they wreck havoc on everyone they can. They're deep down insecure & inadequate to the highest. But don't feel sorry for them or walk on eggshells for them because THEY CHOOSE TO BE THIS way. They're not born this way.
You can know narcissism as if you had a PhD, but trust me, you won't want to live w/ them for long...better yet, AT ALL. My fiance' & I have done enough research for about the last 3 yrs now to know, which I'd started a few threads before. (Plus, I do have an undergrad degree in Behavioral Sciences so I'm sure that's helped in my learning about narcissism.)
You're going to be miserable as the weeks, months, etc. go by because narcs get worse. They don't improve. My advice is to figure out a way to live somewhere else fast.
And re: his wife, is she one of those weak, no-backbone types? Narcs like to marry women like that because they know they can control them & "rule the roost" so to speak all while gaslighting everyone around them & treating them like $---.
In the meantime, you & his wife should watch as many of these as you can informed by these professional experts:
I think most people are just looking for an open spot, and don't think about anything further. It seems like my husband has a "find a pathway and fill it mentality;" I'm always moving stuff back out of the way.
But I think sometimes there's a passive-aggressive element to it.
Like my BIL, who looks around a room mostly covered with tarps, and decides to put his dirty tools on the white rug instead. Or who puts his wet, dirty shoes directly on top of my clean, dry shoes. Or , or, or...he's been a problem for decades. If confronted, he just says he didn't realize, and acts all hurt.
Might want to consider why you feel compelled to spy on family members using security cameras. Based on the way you wrote about this, you are also rather...shall we say...meticulous about things. We all have personal buttons others better not push. Sounds as if you do too OP.
Last edited by Parnassia; 03-27-2021 at 02:40 PM..
Seems such an odd thing to get worked up about. Where else do you feel the potatoes and onions should be kept? Why do you think that a person would choose to put something on top of the cat litter buckets just to annoy you? (Of all the thing I could think of I were deliberately trying to annoy someone, that possibility wouldn't even be on my radar.) Do they even know you access these buckets every day?
You live in someone else's house and put up a secret security camera to spy on them? Is that even legal? Does his wife also know about the camera?
It sounds like it's time for a house meeting to lay down rules about what belongs to whom and can be used by others or not, and under what circumstances.
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Might want to consider why you feel compelled to spy on family members using security cameras. Based on the way you wrote about this, you are also rather...shall we say...meticulous about things. We all have personal buttons others better not push. Sounds as if you do too OP.
