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To make it easier, I will tell the story this way.
Lucy has been a massive support to Kim who is going through a separation. She has been very kind and caring and hasn't spoken much about her recent inflammatory bowel disease diagnosis as she knows Kim has enough to deal with.
Lucy has a bad day and is told she has to go back on steroids to control her disease. She texts Kim saying she is worried about the side effects including weight gain, puffy face and foot cramps. Kim replies with "Well, let's be honest putting on a few pounds in weight isn't going to harm you. You are teeny tiny. It's like me. Currently I can eat anything and everything as my metabolism is racing so much through stress."
Would you find this a bit dismissive of Lucy's worry?
I am Lucy in this scenario so I just wondered if I was being oversensitive. To me it came across as dismissive and like she turned it onto herself rather than focusing on me. I known I can be oversensitive which is why I posted for opinion.
I am Lucy in this scenario so I just wondered if I was being oversensitive. To me it came across as dismissive and like she turned it onto herself rather than focusing on me. I known I can be oversensitive which is why I posted for opinion.
I thought so, Lucy.
Well, I used to be oversensitive too. As I got older I developed a thicker skin.
But yes, she should have been more caring with her response. Maybe best to talk in person regarding something this personal.
I had a friend to not even answer when I told her I came from an abusive background and have depression by history. Never said a word to me...
So I understand...I learned not to have expectations about people and their comments, actions. You set yourself up for disappointment by expecting a certain response or behavior.
Yes they always say to avoid disappointment Never expect anything from anyone.
Kim is strange. She talks a lot about saying she will be there for me yet I get dismissive replies or words like I wrote about before. Perhaps it's a case of her just not being emotionally available as all her energy and thoughts are taken up by her own situation. Maybe I am being a bit harsh. That said, I won't be reaching out to her anymore and won't be helping her so much either. I am not having such an imbalanced friendship where she gets all the support and kindness and I get none.
Yes they always say to avoid disappointment Never expect anything from anyone.
Kim is strange. She talks a lot about saying she will be there for me yet I get dismissive replies or words like I wrote about before. Perhaps it's a case of her just not being emotionally available as all her energy and thoughts are taken up by her own situation. Maybe I am being a bit harsh. That said, I won't be reaching out to her anymore and won't be helping her so much either. I am not having such an imbalanced friendship where she gets all the support and kindness and I get none.
Kim in the scenario might not be supportive by accident. Her comprehension might not be the best, or maybe she isn't able to think straight. I wouldn't totally dismiss the friendship necessarily, but you don't have to offer her any more support yourself. Or, here's another approach. Next time she asks for support, your answer can be to ask for support back. And if she's not able to give you a satisfactory answer, then tell her you wish you could help her but you have to help yourself before you help her.
Another thing you could simply do next time she asks you for support is to express your concerns directly, frankly, honestly, 1-1, and calmly. Balancing is always difficult. You might be like me where you want "all" or "nothing" cause it's easier, but it's better to have varying degrees and let people earn your level of friendship.
Thank you everyone. I feel a bit clearer now. I know I am giving too much in this friendship and deserve more back.
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