Why does my husband always have to "one-up" me regarding illness? (generation, marriage)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I'm just trying to analyze this situation by looking to the different possibilities:
-Your husband is a chronic complainer, according to your term. But it sounds as if he really doesn't like complaints from others.
- Some times, this type of methods is known among people as a kind of SUPPORT, like to say: "you aren't alone, don't worry". Depending on the person's character and the way he/she talks, you can tell whether or not he/she meant a support.
- It could be miscommunication or misunderstanding to the other complainer's Msg.
like when you told him in your story: "I have a horrible headache" to expect a sympathy, an emotional support, feeling of u etc. This is the apparent message anybody would expect and understand.
The implement message he received/understood is : " You don't have anything from this type; you are in a good health!"
Here, he might find himself compelled to defend and clarify that it's not true: "He have had a bad headache for the last 3 days".
OR
The implement message he received/understood from you is : "I need a hospital".
And he doesn't want to go to a hospital with you, he might not like going to hospital or not trust them. So instead of that, he would let your health issue seems little or belittle by claiming the same health issue that is worse than yours. Like this you would be convinced that your health issue is nothing in comparison with him. It might also be due to financial issue that he has.
- Frankly, your husband originally is a chronic complainer, based on your statement; you know that, so this behavior or habit wouldn't be strange according to this type of character, even without anything, he might even not feel of himself as being inconsiderate when he talks. Your complaint would be like a key that opens the door to talk about his favorite topic (health issues that he kept complaining of).
- Since you praised him more from the other sides, no need to make this single issue looks like a big deal.
If you truly couldn't stand it anymore, (in my opinion) just confront him frankly/straightforwardly and tell him " Even sickness you wanna share it with me, STOP. Next time, if I got a headache you would get a fever; if I got a knee you would get a back, if I got a nose issue, you would get an eye issue; don't compete on the same sickness with me! "
I have a friend like that. Beginning when she was 30 she had every illness known to man and has numerous surgeries. She's had every organ in her body removed that can be removed. She's only 50 now and already has had glaucoma and surgery on both eyes. She's allergic to nearly everything. She's had two heart procedures that she likes to refer to as 'heart surgeries' but they were noninvasive. Whatever illness I have, she's had it worse. She has suffered far more than anyone else. Then I got cancer. She couldn't one up that! Although she did go through all the various "cancer scares" that she has had, as if that's the same thing. It's not quite the same as cancer surgery, chemo and radiation. I suspect it was the only way she got attention as a child so she still does it. Her husband has always catered to her and her illnesses so it continues. Now her daughter is repeating the same behavior. When she starts complaining about her health, I promptly say "Oh, that's too bad" and change the subject.
Ah hell no. I have a primitive instinct that makes me almost unconsciously eject people like that from my life. I may end up alone, but at least I won't have any emotional vampires along for the ride.
First, I am so sorry to hear about your health and dealing with cancer. A very scary thing, no doubt! I hope you are doing better in that regard. I wish you the best!
I do the jabs about his age, calling him an "old crone" and things like that. He definitely is one of those older people who like to pretend they are older, which I have never figured that out. Who wants to be older? As soon as he has a birthday, for the next year he has already jumped his age. I have called him out on that many times as it is soooo ridiculous! Sounds like an immature behavior that goes with his other immature behavior of having to one-up his medical issues. This old man never "learned" how to GROW UP. Sad really.
I am fine now, thank you so much for your good wishes.
I'll never understand people who try to be older. You are right, it's ridiculous. Most of us want to be younger! My great aunt wasn't too happy to be turning 100 and the big fuss that was made about it. I have no doubt that she wished she was younger. She lived another 8 years.
Why does my husband always have to "one-up" me regarding illness?
He's a husband. That's what they do.Women one up themselves when it comes to giving birth. The one with the most stitches and the hardest labor wins. It's just what they do.
Huh. Mid year I always up my age by a year, so on my birthday I don't feel bad at the age change. LOL. It gives me 6 months to get used to it.
__________________ ____________________________________________
My posts as a Mod will always be in red.
Be sure to review Terms of Service: TOS
And check this out: FAQ
Moderator: Relationships Forum / Hawaii Forum / Dogs / Pets / Current Events
I am putting this here under psychology because I do feel it has something to do with the way someone thinks.
My husband is a chronic complainer. He has a headache or a sore throat or his back hurts or his toe...it is always something. If by chance I happen to say "Man, I have a horrible headache" his response will be "Oh, well I have had a bad headache for the past 3 days." If my knee hurts, sure enough, his knee really hurts (even the same knee as mine).
What gets me though is this. I have had bad hip pain for the last 3 or more months. After I have been through x-rays and hip injections and an MRI my doctor told me my hip is all messed up and he recommends having a total hip replacement. Would you believe, yes, now he has chronic hip pain just like me ever since I got this diagnosis.
Why does he always have to one-up me with him having something worse than me? I rarely complain for this exact reason, I usually keep anything that hurts or is an issue to myself to avoid this, but this is ridiculous!
What causes a grown man to feel the need to do this? I have even sat down and had a talk with him before when he did this with another situation and told him he was not being considerate or compassionate by making it always about HIM. Did no good as you can see.
Help!!!
Hello... I can understand your frustration, especially over time, where now you probably just anticipate what he's going to say before you've said you're aching/ hurting/ tired.
My Mom always had to one-up (to where I just stopped divulging any info), and would always cut my conversation short where I was actually answering a question she'd asked, lol. This is somewhat different in that you should be able to talk to your husband when you're feeling a bit low, or tired (or worse!) and feel validated, supported and cared for. His dismissiveness is possibly not making you feel that he cares.
Having read all of the other posts... which are really good so I won't repeat it all... there are a couple of people who have suggested about previous trauma.
It is my very humble thoughts that would suggest he go to see someone. About his childhood maybe, but especially about his sisters' suicides. I would also suggest that you both go at some point, but if he is secretive about his past he may be more forthcoming to start off on his own. My OH is very secretive about his past, and over time he has opened up to me but I certainly don't push certain things. It has been challenging to find specific help. This is incredibly frustrating, but perhaps he needs someone with specific speciality training, not a 'run of the mill' professional.
I can't even begin to imagine the loss, the feelings of abandonment from his 2 sisters. But this perhaps triggered abandonment issues from his younger years with his Mom working hard the way she did, so she could support her family the best she could. I can only imagine how you feel also, trying to support him when he won't open up to you. It probably is down to attention, and I'm certainly not saying you should be 'putting up with this behaviour'. You need your sanity... and crucially you need (like everyone!) support and care. As we're all getting older this becomes more and more important. BTW, it did take me a long time for my OH to agree to seeing someone, it was not an overnight thing. He remains resistant (but looking for help) because he knows it will drag up a lot of unwanted feelings from the past and he doesn't particularly want to relive them.
One thing you could mention to him.... ask him (when he does it again) how he thinks it makes you feel, (and paraphrase what he's done). Ask him how he would feel if you kept doing the same to him.
Good luck... but please remain open, don't 'switch off' and stop sharing with him because that really won't help you out... might make you feel quite alone.
I wholeheartedly agree that he should go to some counseling - not a PSYCHIATRIST but just a life counselor sort of person. He has experienced quite a bit of traumatic loss in his life. He may be afraid of losing you as well and this could tie into him minimizing your aches and pains. But he won't know, and you won't know, if he or both of you don't get some counseling.
It's not weird, and it's not a sign that your marriage is in trouble or anything like that. Lots of people get counseling for all sorts of issues.
Sounds like he needs constant sympathy. My wife and sister do the same thing.
My wife got it from her mother.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JF2U
I am putting this here under psychology because I do feel it has something to do with the way someone thinks.
My husband is a chronic complainer. He has a headache or a sore throat or his back hurts or his toe...it is always something. If by chance I happen to say "Man, I have a horrible headache" his response will be "Oh, well I have had a bad headache for the past 3 days." If my knee hurts, sure enough, his knee really hurts (even the same knee as mine).
What gets me though is this. I have had bad hip pain for the last 3 or more months. After I have been through x-rays and hip injections and an MRI my doctor told me my hip is all messed up and he recommends having a total hip replacement. Would you believe, yes, now he has chronic hip pain just like me ever since I got this diagnosis.
Why does he always have to one-up me with him having something worse than me? I rarely complain for this exact reason, I usually keep anything that hurts or is an issue to myself to avoid this, but this is ridiculous!
What causes a grown man to feel the need to do this? I have even sat down and had a talk with him before when he did this with another situation and told him he was not being considerate or compassionate by making it always about HIM. Did no good as you can see.
Speaking of relevance, get this....last night while we were watching TV he says "You know, you should put off having the surgery for as long as you possibly can, as I'm not having back surgery, so...." and I said "Wait, what? Your doctor never recommended back surgery. You have arthritis in your back and there was never a possibility of having back surgery for arthritis." Then he says, "Well, you should just put it off for as long as you can" and then he shut up. What the hell? I cannot figure that out for the life of me!
Now its more obvious to me.
He doesnt want to wait on your hand and foot with sicknesses. So he one ups you so you wont expect him to.
Maybe he used to take care of you when you said you had issues and it started happening too often? Were you looking to be pampered?
If he cant actually help you with every single illness that you normally have, you shouldnt mention it. If you dont, he cant. As much as its "in sickness and in health" it will still become annoying after a while if your spouse can take care of themselves yet is a downer all the time.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Hi
