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My ex and I have been apart for many years. (2015) We both share joint custody of our child. My ex and his mother constantly speak ill of me. I am not sure why because I was not the one who ended the relationship. Not only did he end the relationship, but pretty much left me in a bind as I was only doing part time work. He basically just decided that he was going to move out and I had all of the bills to take care. By the grace of God I was able to get a full time job shortly after and have been managing things very well.
Back to our son. He is on the spectrum (ASD level one). I went to pick him up yesterday from his dad's house and his grandma was there. (Thanksgiving) The entire time I was there my son would not talk to me in the presence of his grandma. When I asked him for a hug (because I have not seen him in a week) he would not hug me. He made sure to wait until his grandma and dad were out of sight before he would show any affection. When he is with me he is normal.
If he is around them he is completely different. He comes back telling me how his dad tells them that I don't like him and that if he hugs or talks to me that he will get in trouble when he comes back to them. I ask them how do you get in trouble. He says that they fuss at him. He also says how he does not want to hurt their feelings. He has even told me that his dad said that he wished that I was dead. I still do not understand the level of vitriol that my ex and his mother have when I do not do anything to them.
I have visited a psychologist about this and he said that parental alienation rarely works. I then went on to explain how my son won't even speak to me in the presence of his dad or grandma. The psychologist told me that I only need to be concerned if he is exhibiting this behavior when his dad or grandma is not around. While this is somewhat reassuring, it does not change the fact that this behavior hurts. The psychologist also said that since I cannot control my ex, that I must control how I react. When my son exhibits these behaviors or tells me these things, it bothers me.
Most people would say talk to your ex, but this is not a "normal" co-parenting relationship and we have no contact with each other whatsoever. He even has me blocked. Anytime he needs to communicate, he has his mother text me.
Is there any advise? In terms of a custody change, the standard is pretty much joint. I have talked with attorneys and they informed me that it is very hard to restrict a parent's visitation or make those types of changes unless the parent is egregious in his behavior.
First and foremost, do your level best to NOT put your son in the middle of all...this. Yes, it's hard, and what they're doing is hurtful to you...but do your very best to NOT participate in making your son choose between you and your ex.
Now you know why your son ignores you at dad's place. Don't be hurt by it. You know your son doesn't really have a choice in the matter. Just tell him it's OK, and you understand, and be cheery and pleasant.
He has even told me that his dad said that he wished that I was dead. I still do not understand the level of vitriol that my ex and his mother have when I do not do anything to them.
You're standing in the way of their "dream" family. I'll bet your ex's mother is a real piece of work.
Keep a written record of all the things being said, although I don’t suggest you ask your son for details everytime he visits his father. Some courts do take pas seriously but you have to prove this. So you need to keep a journal with who what when and where. I’d suggest you take your child to a psychologist with the mind that a psychologist help your son develop some skills to deal with this.
I’d record my child talking about what’s going on and how he feels about it.
If, IF, it gets worse and you see it damaging the quality of your sons time with you and his sense of well being then you have a established pattern recorded that can be used if you need to take it to court or seek mediation to nip it.
Keep a written record of all the things being said, although I don’t suggest you ask your son for details everytime he visits his father. Some courts do take pas seriously but you have to prove this. So you need to keep a journal with who what when and where. I’d suggest you take your child to a psychologist with the mind that a psychologist help your son develop some skills to deal with this.
I’d record my child talking about what’s going on and how he feels about it.
If, IF, it gets worse and you see it damaging the quality of your sons time with you and his sense of well being then you have a established pattern recorded that can be used if you need to take it to court or seek mediation to nip it.
I agree with snazzyB
I've known a few people who regretted their purposed alienation of affection of their children....alienating them from their other parent. Because their visitation period was cut shorter or, in one case, actually became supervised.
My ex and I have been apart for many years. (2015) We both share joint custody of our child. My ex and his mother constantly speak ill of me. I am not sure why because I was not the one who ended the relationship. Not only did he end the relationship, but pretty much left me in a bind as I was only doing part time work. He basically just decided that he was going to move out and I had all of the bills to take care. By the grace of God I was able to get a full time job shortly after and have been managing things very well.
Back to our son. He is on the spectrum (ASD level one). I went to pick him up yesterday from his dad's house and his grandma was there. (Thanksgiving) The entire time I was there my son would not talk to me in the presence of his grandma. When I asked him for a hug (because I have not seen him in a week) he would not hug me. He made sure to wait until his grandma and dad were out of sight before he would show any affection. When he is with me he is normal.
If he is around them he is completely different. He comes back telling me how his dad tells them that I don't like him and that if he hugs or talks to me that he will get in trouble when he comes back to them. I ask them how do you get in trouble. He says that they fuss at him. He also says how he does not want to hurt their feelings. He has even told me that his dad said that he wished that I was dead. I still do not understand the level of vitriol that my ex and his mother have when I do not do anything to them.
I have visited a psychologist about this and he said that parental alienation rarely works. I then went on to explain how my son won't even speak to me in the presence of his dad or grandma. The psychologist told me that I only need to be concerned if he is exhibiting this behavior when his dad or grandma is not around. While this is somewhat reassuring, it does not change the fact that this behavior hurts. The psychologist also said that since I cannot control my ex, that I must control how I react. When my son exhibits these behaviors or tells me these things, it bothers me.
Most people would say talk to your ex, but this is not a "normal" co-parenting relationship and we have no contact with each other whatsoever. He even has me blocked. Anytime he needs to communicate, he has his mother text me.
Is there any advise? In terms of a custody change, the standard is pretty much joint. I have talked with attorneys and they informed me that it is very hard to restrict a parent's visitation or make those types of changes unless the parent is egregious in his behavior.
Advice?
Check your custody papers. In Louisiana, it is clearly written that neither parent shall degrade the other in any way in the presence of the child. If he's doing that, he may be in contempt of court and you can take him to court to have that stopped.
First and foremost, do your level best to NOT put your son in the middle of all...this. Yes, it's hard, and what they're doing is hurtful to you...but do your very best to NOT participate in making your son choose between you and your ex.
Now you know why your son ignores you at dad's place. Don't be hurt by it. You know your son doesn't really have a choice in the matter. Just tell him it's OK, and you understand, and be cheery and pleasant.
This.
No, talking to your ex is not an answer. He will only vehemently deny it.
I think part of the problem is that you have taken on life on your own without him just fine, and have a son who is healthy and well-adjusted, and they resent it. Now, while it's good to not put your son in the middle, or 'bad-mouth' his dad and mother to him, I would not do the opposite either. When he divulges stuff to you that they've said, I would not try to look happy and say that it's okay. You don't want him to think that they may be right! "They have problems," is all you need to say.
My ex and I have been apart for many years. (2015) We both share joint custody of our child. My ex and his mother constantly speak ill of me. I am not sure why because I was not the one who ended the relationship. Not only did he end the relationship, but pretty much left me in a bind as I was only doing part time work. He basically just decided that he was going to move out and I had all of the bills to take care. By the grace of God I was able to get a full time job shortly after and have been managing things very well.
Back to our son. He is on the spectrum (ASD level one). I went to pick him up yesterday from his dad's house and his grandma was there. (Thanksgiving) The entire time I was there my son would not talk to me in the presence of his grandma. When I asked him for a hug (because I have not seen him in a week) he would not hug me. He made sure to wait until his grandma and dad were out of sight before he would show any affection. When he is with me he is normal.
If he is around them he is completely different. He comes back telling me how his dad tells them that I don't like him and that if he hugs or talks to me that he will get in trouble when he comes back to them. I ask them how do you get in trouble. He says that they fuss at him. He also says how he does not want to hurt their feelings. He has even told me that his dad said that he wished that I was dead. I still do not understand the level of vitriol that my ex and his mother have when I do not do anything to them.
I have visited a psychologist about this and he said that parental alienation rarely works. I then went on to explain how my son won't even speak to me in the presence of his dad or grandma. The psychologist told me that I only need to be concerned if he is exhibiting this behavior when his dad or grandma is not around. While this is somewhat reassuring, it does not change the fact that this behavior hurts. The psychologist also said that since I cannot control my ex, that I must control how I react. When my son exhibits these behaviors or tells me these things, it bothers me.
Most people would say talk to your ex, but this is not a "normal" co-parenting relationship and we have no contact with each other whatsoever. He even has me blocked. Anytime he needs to communicate, he has his mother text me.
Is there any advise? In terms of a custody change, the standard is pretty much joint. I have talked with attorneys and they informed me that it is very hard to restrict a parent's visitation or make those types of changes unless the parent is egregious in his behavior.
Advice?
I'm so sorry. Been there and done that by my ex. To this day, over 20 years later, he still has issues with me, even my daughter said it. She told me that he knows he screwed up, he lost the best thing that ever happened to him. He has never remarried, nor does he stay with women much longer than 3 years because that's when he changes. He did the same with me except I stayed another 4 years to not upset the lives of my kids. I was a single parent with my son for 7 years, I stuck it out until he became violent with my son.
He did the same thing to my daughter but he succeeded in getting her to turn against me. He told her things he should not have such as why we divorced. I took the high road, mommy and daddy couldn't get along. Never bad mouthed him, to this day I still do not. It took my daughter until she was about 14 before she realized I was not anything like what he said.
I took him to court for doing it. The judge was not happy with him, told him to stop or his visitation would be affected. The judge went on my word alone. We didn't have all the recording devices that are out now. You really need to record your son telling you whatever he does. I wish I could remember exactly what I said to my daughter the times she did blurt out something. I was not cheerful about it. I was also not mad either. I probably said something like you're whatever age, you know that I have never done or said something like that. I don't know why daddy and grandma would think that.
I agree to consider a therapist if he will talk to one. I took my daughter to one, in the end she would not write me a letter for court. I dropped her.
The best therapy my daughter had was a woman who's probably not alive any more. She was a children's book author with her son. She used play therapy, crafting with the older kids. It helped to get kids more relaxed so that they did not feel like they were being grilled. It was just a conversation while playing or crafting. I don't know how many do it these days. She was the only one back then.
I think your ex knows he screwed up by leaving you. You've made a good life for you and your son, he resents it. His mother goes along with him probably because of whatever BS he's told her. Thankful my ex's mother was my favorite MIL, I was still visiting her with my daughter until she passed last year. She never held anything against me. Neither did his oldest sister. His youngest sister who
I was close to was the one who was mad with me. Unfortunately we never made peace before she passed from a heart attack at age 40.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Spuggy
Keep a written record of all the things being said, although I don’t suggest you ask your son for details everytime he visits his father. Some courts do take pas seriously but you have to prove this. So you need to keep a journal with who what when and where. I’d suggest you take your child to a psychologist with the mind that a psychologist help your son develop some skills to deal with this.
I’d record my child talking about what’s going on and how he feels about it.
If, IF, it gets worse and you see it damaging the quality of your sons time with you and his sense of well being then you have a established pattern recorded that can be used if you need to take it to court or seek mediation to nip it.
I agree with snazzyB
Great advice. I'm not sure if a therapist would help the kid develop skills to deal with it. The ex needs to stop talking crap. I say take him to court once the OP has evidence.
There is a lot of good thoughts here so I hope it helps.
My parents divorced when I was four, my Dad died six months later. In my child's mind, mommy dearest took my Dad away from me and that has never, ever changed. Left home when I was 17 and didn't look back. As an adult I can see that his health problems were to blame for his death but what is seared in my brain is her screaming at him before he died which drove him away, cheating my brother and me of precious little time we could have had. She finally died - alone.
Do not under estimate a child's ability to see the truth, even when they don't have capacity to respond. Please don't expect your son to hug in front of the enemy since he needs to navigate his world in their home. He will know and remember who is treating him with love and respect daily without manipulation. His failure to hug you in front of them will only enforce more of the same behavior from them so save the hugs until you two are away from their view, and enjoy!
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