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I haven't had a lot of luck in finding a therapist that works for me. I didn't enjoy talking to my therapists in the past because they would just tell me to meditate, tried to talk to me like I was their friend, just nod and not say anything the whole time, not communicate and show up at the wrong location, or my current one, seem like she doesn't care and says a lot of things that are putting me off so I always push our sessions or cancel them. I'm going to look for a new therapist but I have no idea what to even look for. Any advice on where to start?
It is fine to describe what you don't want. Have you tried making a list of what you do want in a therapist?
Personally, I would pay a therapist to model interactions without everyone knowing that's what's going on, of course. Having a good model was the most effective thing for me but this person wasn't a therapist.
Look in the mirror and talk to yourself. Read self help books. Watch youtube videos. You are your best therapist. Therapists get paid to listen to your problems. They stop getting paid when your problems are solved. Figure it out. A good therapist will ideally tell you all you need to hear the first couple of sessions. After that it's all rinse and repeat.
It is fine to describe what you don't want. Have you tried making a list of what you do want in a therapist?
Personally, I would pay a therapist to model interactions without everyone knowing that's what's going on, of course. Having a good model was the most effective thing for me but this person wasn't a therapist.
The only therapist I liked talking to was this grad student a few years ago. I liked talking to him because he was insightful and gave me honest reactions to what he was seeing from me. Not sure how to find that again.
Quote:
Originally Posted by bobspez
Look in the mirror and talk to yourself. Read self help books. Watch youtube videos. You are your best therapist. Therapists get paid to listen to your problems. They stop getting paid when your problems are solved. Figure it out. A good therapist will ideally tell you all you need to hear the first couple of sessions. After that it's all rinse and repeat.
I've done a lot of self-therapy. It would be nice to talk to someone outside myself.
The only therapist I liked talking to was this grad student a few years ago. I liked talking to him because he was insightful and gave me honest reactions to what he was seeing from me. Not sure how to find that again.
I've done a lot of self-therapy. It would be nice to talk to someone outside myself.
It sounds like you would benefit from cognitive behavioral therapy. The APA has a good description- https://www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/p...ive-behavioral - this is for PTSD but CBT is used with a variety of conditions and not just PTSD. It sounds like maybe the graduate student was incorporating some of that in your treatment since you were getting honest reactions about behaviors that might be harmful. They should then work with you on trying to change those behaviors.
Self help only goes so far. Sometimes we cannot recognize when we have harmful behaviors or toxic relationships, or even if we do recognize them, we may not feel that there is a way to get out of the cycle.
I haven't had a lot of luck in finding a therapist that works for me. I didn't enjoy talking to my therapists in the past because they would just tell me to meditate, tried to talk to me like I was their friend, just nod and not say anything the whole time, not communicate and show up at the wrong location, or my current one, seem like she doesn't care and says a lot of things that are putting me off so I always push our sessions or cancel them. I'm going to look for a new therapist but I have no idea what to even look for. Any advice on where to start?
Consider investigating the various modalities used, and what exactly you hope to accomplish. CBT has been mentioned, but there are many other depth therapies, and others that work outside of what many think of as "therapy." There is "Focusing" (E. Gendlin), which can be either professional or lay practitioners, "Sand Tray" an offshoot of Jungian therapy that allowed the subconscious to express directly in a safe environment, "Transactional Analysis" that is particularly effective with interrelationship patterns and issues, "Adlerian" that is less common now but a great help with kids and those with a need for simple interaction and results, therapists who specialize in trauma, childhood abuse, PTSD, drug rehab, and so on. Not having a clear goal or an idea of what to expect and what might work best for you, you could flounder around for years.
Once you have basic understanding of the technique being used, some of what might seem odd or mysterious begins to fall into place. This is not to say you should learn as much as a therapist, but if you know how to speak the language of a type of therapy your chances of success increase significantly.
The most accomplished therapists can be selective in who they choose to work with, costly, and are in high demand. Therapy is hard work for both client and therapist, and clients who don't seem to put in the effort get released by the best to others, so that their skills are not wasted.
I've done a lot of self-therapy. It would be nice to talk to someone outside myself.
I found I had to heal myself. Drugs, alcohol, speaking to someone, none of it did any good. What worked was accepting my condition and then ignoring it. As long as I tried to fight it, it had power over me. When I accepted and ignored it, it went away from lack of attention.
I found I had to heal myself. Drugs, alcohol, speaking to someone, none of it did any good. What worked was accepting my condition and then ignoring it. As long as I tried to fight it, it had power over me. When I accepted and ignored it, it went away from lack of attention.
I mean that kinda SOUNDS not exactly functional, but there's a really solid chunk of wisdom there. Acceptance. I think that a person needs to first understand what their actual issue is, then accept it, then find ways to "ignore" it or...in other words, live life anyways.
But the understanding and acceptance isn't easy for a lot of people. I see many who get so wrapped up in what they think others do that causes their suffering, that they can't get there. And while certainly there are times when others do things to us that are not our fault, at some point if we're just spinning in place over it, there is an element of a thing that we're choosing to do, choosing to invest in, that is not serving us.
I've had some pretty useless therapists, too. I've come to feel like finding the right one is like dating, and just as frustrating for those who don't get lucky and match up pretty early on in their attempts. I get why people give up on it. Those who believe in it or have had good experiences will tell a person to keep trying, but at some point it's like "well, but I just really don't have the sheer amount of time and money that apparently it's going to take to find what I need, here."
And I strongly believe that it's not the only path. I see it as a good therapist being like a guide...you may find your way through the wilderness using other means, but if you have a highly skilled and knowledgeable guide that you can work with and trust, they can make it a lot less work. Flipside, a bad guide could get you even more lost. Some of us would be better off with a map and a machete to hack our way through the undergrowth of our psyche, we might not get there as fast but we'll find our way eventually.
In more literal terms, I've been able to snag bits of insight from many places (you have to be open to them) including everything from people on the internet, people in my life, healthy and supportive friends, self help books, readings related to religion and philosophy...even though I'm not religious, there are often helpful bits of philosophy embedded in religious sources...and processing via journaling has helped me, too.
A couple things I've encountered from professional therapists that I think that NO therapist ought to be doing...
- Bringing a dog to the office, especially if they don't even warn clients and the dog persistently gets in people's faces and the therapist doesn't even make the dog go lie down or anything, just lets it jump on people. Maybe leave pets at home.
- Actually turning a session around backwards to where the therapist is telling a client about THEIR childhood trauma and abuse. Dude if we're gonna talk about that, then maybe you should be paying me...
I mean that kinda SOUNDS not exactly functional, but there's a really solid chunk of wisdom there. Acceptance. I think that a person needs to first understand what their actual issue is, then accept it, then find ways to "ignore" it or...in other words, live life anyways.
Thank you. That's how it worked for me. I didn't have to search for my issues they were right up front. One was a really deep depression that lasted about a year, the result of a bad drug trip and flashbacks that I just couldn't shake. Another was really bad panic attacks and claustrophobia that just popped up about six months after 911. I knew exactly what caused them I just couldn't shake them or fix them, so I just white knuckles holding onto my chair accepted them and lived in spite of them. Not fighting them or "wanting or trying to be normal again" was the key, and when I stopped trying they eventually went away on their own.
The claustrophobia was difficult because I took the subway to and from work and worked in an elevator building. For several months I just took the stairs and carried a survival and escape kit (tools, flashlight, water, candy, relaxation tapes and a walkman) in my briefcase in case the train would break down. Years later I still sit where I can see the exit in restaurants.
I believe Number One depends on you. You must find someone whom you can trust. That usually can't be done with a single visit/first impression but requires a testing time.
I've had the advantage of a few brief "booster sessions" in my later years which came from an unlikely source. When she first walked into the room my first thought was Oh no. This is never going to work.
You're never too old to learn you're silly.
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