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You slept with him???? No more. NO more sleeping. Nada. Zilch. And please don't say, "Oh, but it's only happened a few times and since then he hasn't even asked," because then I really WILL have to throw up at this dude's hypocrisy (he's a pastor?)...typical "I'll give a little, then get some sex, then pull waaaaaaaaay back until SHE'S the one waiting with bated breath for the next time...I'll be able to jump in any time I want" stuff.
Ugh. This...among other things...is one reason I do not go to church.
No. Sleeping. With. This. Guy. Period. You've been warned. You put out, you're done for. He already has you with his silly games. This guy is a jerk. If he wants to meet for coffee as friends, fine. But a dude who occasionally has sex with you, secretly, meanwhile preaching to a "flock" of people, who 99% of the time won't be seen with you in public, etc...What exactly is it you're getting out of this relationship again?
Oh yeah. A future. Or that's what you thought.
Kick this idiot to the curb and join a different church if you must go to church.
I appreciate your candor. One thing though...I have NEVER been called "low" maintenance. I am just trying to be more patient given the nature of his avocation. For me, being attractive can be a blessing and a curse. However, I have met a few guys since getting divorced a few years back and they all have wanted to commit. Even HE has said he see's me as his wife. My ENTIRE issue was how to broach the subject without being abrasive and/or coming off as needy. Like I said, being unemployed is horrible. I spend hours job searching but it still isn't like having a job so extra time on my hands makes it worse. If I were working, it would be different. My problem is, most pastors I have known in my day, DIDN'T work hard and that isn't the case with him. See my post to bunny.
Just because he said something, doesn't mean it is true. He could be lying, or more likely, he was probably "in the moment" when he said that. Think about it - if he really saw you as a potential wife, don't you think he would have taken you out on a proper date by now? Everyone can spare a couple of hours every now and then.
Stating what you want out of another person isn't being abrasive or needy. It's being being an adult and taking care of yourself. I don't mean saying, you should do this and you would do x if you really liked me. All you have to do is tell him what you want - a relationship, and what that would entail - and either he will want to give it to you, or he won't. If he runs, as a result of you telling him in plain terms what you need, consider yourself lucky as you won't be wasting any more time.
Just because he said something, doesn't mean it is true. He could be lying, or more likely, he was probably "in the moment" when he said that. Think about it - if he really saw you as a potential wife, don't you think he would have taken you out on a proper date by now? Everyone can spare a couple of hours every now and then.
Stating what you want out of another person isn't being abrasive or needy. It's being being an adult and taking care of yourself. I don't mean saying, you should do this and you would do x if you really liked me. All you have to do is tell him what you want - a relationship, and what that would entail - and either he will want to give it to you, or he won't. If he runs, as a result of you telling him in plain terms what you need, consider yourself lucky as you won't be wasting any more time.
I will be doing just that when I see him tomorrow. Thanks again. And BTW, he didn't say those things while we were "in the mix" it was sitting down over a meal; a two-hour conversation and we have had several of those.
I will tell him in no uncertain terms that I need him to state what he see's "this" as being and then tell him that if I were in the grocery store and the only aisles were marriage and single, I wouldn't be in the single aisle. While I am not looking to get married tomorrow, that is my goal so dating for the sake of dating is not what I want; if you are not looking for the same then we need to go down our separate aisles. Also, I need to have the person I am with be creative enough to put energy into thinking about planning things for us to do so that we can see each other in different situations AND while I understand the delicate nature of nosey church members, I don't want to feel as if I am a big secret. If those aren't things he is prepared to address in the way I need them addressed then it's on to the next one and trust me...the line is out the door! Lol.
Hmm... I don't know that this is the right way to go, but I admit a male opinion would likely be better than mine. Instead of demanding that he tell you how he views your relationship - something that never goes well - I think you are better off simply tellin him what you homeboy respect and need out of a relationship. Then simply ask him straight up whether he wants to be a part of what you want. The guy is probably happy and satisfied the way things are - and to be fair, *you* are half of the reason why our relationship is what it is. To turn the tables on him with this marriage/single aisle thing seems like too much. "this is what I am looking for. I like you, and am now asking you whether you see yourself as having that type of place in my life." that's how I'd handle it.
Hmm... I don't know that this is the right way to go, but I admit a male opinion would likely be better than mine. Instead of demanding that he tell you how he views your relationship - something that never goes well - I think you are better off simply tellin him what you homeboy respect and need out of a relationship. Then simply ask him straight up whether he wants to be a part of what you want. The guy is probably happy and satisfied the way things are - and to be fair, *you* are half of the reason why our relationship is what it is. To turn the tables on him with this marriage/single aisle thing seems like too much. "this is what I am looking for. I like you, and am now asking you whether you see yourself as having that type of place in my life." that's how I'd handle it.
Will do. I will tell him what I want and if he can be that. If not, I will wish him the best and keep it moving. And you are right, I am half of the reason things are as they are. Not being my true self and being outspoken; not doing what I normally do and WAITING (I had been celibate for 5 years) and allowing my emotions to rule (and normally I am NOT an emotional person). If I have more feelings than he or want what he doesn't then we'll part ways and I will eventually find someone that I really like who can. Thanks so much. I'm good now.
Will do. I will tell him what I want and if he can be that. If not, I will wish him the best and keep it moving. And you are right, I am half of the reason things are as they are. Not being my true self and being outspoken; not doing what I normally do and WAITING (I had been celibate for 5 years) and allowing my emotions to rule (and normally I am NOT an emotional person). If I have more feelings than he or want what he doesn't then we'll part ways and I will eventually find someone that I really like who can. Thanks so much. I'm good now.
Awesome, and good luck. Like I said I have been in your position so I know what's it's like... Especially the first sexual relationship after a divorce. You haven't been your usual, rational self who isn't afraid to be true to what you want and need. It's understandable... Good luck! If this one doesn't work out, there will be another.
You seem like a sincere woman who has fallen for a man who can't/won't meet your needs (which almost any woman would want and expect, by the way).
Personally, I'm not optimistic about your talk. He isn't dumb. He already knows he hasn't taken you out on a proper date. He already knows that you aren't dating just to be dating. He already knows that you are willing to shag him and accept crumbs from him.
You might believe that having a big talk will change things; that it will make you appear strong and you'll both enjoy a new understanding of each other. Maybe he'll have an epiphany! Maybe you believe in miracles.
But I am here to tell you that if he wanted to do those things he would already be doing them.
Good luck.
You seem like a sincere woman who has fallen for a man who can't/won't meet your needs (which almost any woman would want and expect, by the way).
Personally, I'm not optimistic about your talk. He isn't dumb. He already knows he hasn't taken you out on a proper date. He already knows that you aren't dating just to be dating. He already knows that you are willing to shag him and accept crumbs from him.
You might believe that having a big talk will change things; that it will make you appear strong and you'll both enjoy a new understanding of each other. Maybe he'll have an epiphany! Maybe you believe in miracles.
But I am here to tell you that if he wanted to do those things he would already be doing them.
Good luck.
You slept with him???? No more. NO more sleeping. Nada. Zilch. And please don't say, "Oh, but it's only happened a few times and since then he hasn't even asked," because then I really WILL have to throw up at this dude's hypocrisy (he's a pastor?)...typical "I'll give a little, then get some sex, then pull waaaaaaaaay back until SHE'S the one waiting with bated breath for the next time...I'll be able to jump in any time I want" stuff.
Ugh. This...among other things...is one reason I do not go to church.
No. Sleeping. With. This. Guy. Period. You've been warned. You put out, you're done for. He already has you with his silly games. This guy is a jerk. If he wants to meet for coffee as friends, fine. But a dude who occasionally has sex with you, secretly, meanwhile preaching to a "flock" of people, who 99% of the time won't be seen with you in public, etc...What exactly is it you're getting out of this relationship again?
Oh yeah. A future. Or that's what you thought.
Kick this idiot to the curb and join a different church if you must go to church.
My first thought when it was revealed he is a pastor was that he would hold having sex this against the OP. I know, I know, it takes two to have sex. But I am personally aware of too many situations where someones supposed faith eventually caused them to feel guilt and pin the blame on the other person. That may not be the case here, but it's worth considering since it's kind of a common thing amongst the devout, especially if they really aren't sure of the relationship (handy excuse and all)
I don't care what his business is. Many, many people are busy. Doctors, Nurses, contractors who handle emergencies, etc. There are all types of businesses that keep people's schedules crazy. But in the amount of time you have been "an item" and you have nevr had a real date? He says he will call you back but doesn't? NO, NO -- he hasn't made time for you b/c it's not important to him. He doesn't call when he says he will b/c he is not a man of his word. I'm sorry, but this is simple stuff.
Frankly this is a classic of a guy that is screwing around. He knows what you want to hear and ... he will say it!! He will say anything to keep you on the string. I understand you have fallen for him. But please, cut this one loose! He is using you.
I'm sorry. Take care of yourself.
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