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Ah, Avienne, you make good arguments to avoid marriage and procreation! (Except for those fortunate few who are true partners and actually cooperate to make it work.)
Hey, it's why I kicked him out. 20 pounds was enough.
Funny how within a week of getting rid of him, my blood pressure was down 30 points. I also lost 23 pounds in 3 months with zero effort.
Why? No more whining about what's for diiiinnnnnneerrrrrrr. No more exhaustion. No more elevated stress hormones. Just peace and quiet and a bowl of soup for dinner. Which, BTW, is the healthy way to eat, not huge meals of meat and potatoes like Americans eat. But men here tend to associate a woman's willingness to cook for them with love. Could it be that these men see food as nurturing? Hmmmm...
Quote:
Originally Posted by MoNative34
Exactly. Amazing how some are shifting the blame to the husband. Unless he's tying her up and force feeding her, which I sort of doubt.
And of course it is normal for both men and women to put on pounds as they age, this situation seems rather extreme.
Nope, no one is blaming the husband. Eating to relieve the stress of living with an ahole is a faulty coping mechanism. However, unless you've been there--and it sounds like you haven't--you wouldn't understand how it can happen.
Quote:
Originally Posted by DennyCrane
Avienne,
I did think about that stresser. But I deliberately left it out because I didn't want to turn this into a gender-bashing thread. I had a friend who coped with a jerk of husband, not by eating, but by smoking. Anytime he stressed her out, she'd go out for a smoke, even though she knew it was bad for her. As for women not being able to recognize that they've gained weight, I never suggested that was the case. But your reaction illustrates my point. A guy can't even raise the issue of weight without being attacked. Sure, most men who raise it probably do couch it in terms of health because they don't want to admit that they're really just embarrassed by their wife's appearance. But there are a lot of men, shockingly, who love their wives and want them to live long and healthy lives, if not for their sake, then for their kids. So what's the man who's genuinely concerned for his wife supposed to do? Even doctors are afraid to bring up weight. They know their patients need to lose it for the sake of their health. But because most people don't like hearing it, the doctors are reluctant to say anything.
Denny, we gals are smarter than that. Anyone who reads even a BBS like C-D knows what many American men think about weight and why: It's all about what is visually appealing and sexually stimulating to them. If it was about a tender and benevolent caring for women's health, photos of grossly underweight women like Angelina Jolie and most models wouldn't be masturbation material. But hey, in the U.S., a woman could be emaciated, but if she has breast implants, she's sexy.
What's more, it's usually a good dose of hypocrisy coming from American men in particular. It is all too common that the American men who bring up women's weight can stand to lose a few themselves. They usually aren't aware of it until finally the woman gets fed up and says, "Hey, Bowling Ball Gut, you ain't no prize, yourself." This is because men's bodies are not deemed public property for others to comment on, nor are men judged on their physical appearance nearly as much as women are. Men are therefore often not aware of their own physical flaws, even as they point out the same flaws in women.
My boyfriend was big when we met, and I have always been small. The biggest he got to I think was around 240 pounds. I have always been just over 110 pounds. He has been saying for our entire relationship “diet starts this week”. Now finally he has gone a few days eating right, but I can see he’s struggling. Who knows how long it’s going to last. Looks like it’ll be another summer at the beach alone for me.
Sorry I know I sound like a nasty so-and-so, but I have lost all faith in his word after 9 years of him saying he’s going to lose the weight.
And yes, it makes sex rather unenjoyable too….
Oh and before you boys jump on me, one of the reasons HE left his ex was because of HER weight gain.
Yes, and in your deep and abiding love and concern for your relative, you care about how she looks. It couldn't have anything do to with her divorce, and the reasons behind it. It couldn't possibly be that she is depressed and has had to deal with issues you don't even know about. All you know is she was "so pretty" and now she "looks terrible!" No wonder that man left her, right? To heck with family. SHAME ON HER!
I hope you're not in her will.
I agree with everything Avienne said in this and her previous post...instead of judging her, you should wonder why she had gained the weight and many times it's BECAUSE of the spouse...don't make stupid assumptions based just on appearance...but of course that's what most people (men) do...they forget about the vows that include "for better or worse"...massive weight gain is a SYMPTOM of a deeper problem.
It sure does seem that women go straight into victim mode over the weight thing, no matter how it is mentioned. And you don't give a crap about the toll you take on those around you, because it's all about you and your victim status.
My oldest and dearest friend is obese. (He probably only thinks he is overweight, typical of the majority of obese people today.) His father died at the age of 62 due to being overweight. He developed Type II diabetes along with a whole host of other medical issues. My friend is fatter now than his dad was at the same age. My friend is mostly likely going to die in less than twenty years because he never does act on taking care of himself, and continues his lifestyle of bad eating habits (while swearing that the way he eats is quite healthy). It won't be long before I am sitting in the hospital talking to him after having his second leg amputated.
He's my friend and therefore I do not bring up his slow suicide I am witnessing. I said something to him once, a few years ago, and now I figure it isn't any of my business. But if this were my spouse? Damn right this would be my business! You people can't sit there and make your husband watch you slowly kill yourself, and flip out when he calls you on it. Maybe when he married you, he actually meant for life and wants that life to last as long as possible. And now the guy has to watch you slowly kill yourself year after year.
A relative of mine use to be so beautiful and thin and sexy. But that was in the past. I was looking at her wedding photos the other day. She must have been maybe 120 pounds at 5 foot seven. She was so thin and so pretty.
Now fast forward 15 years and she is divorced, angry, bitter, and maybe 350 pounds. She looks terrible!
If that happened to your spouse could you stay interested?
Sounds like a case of Yo-Yo dieting's end result.
Many females will starve their bodies at a young age.
Then, their bodies will eventually rebel, and start putting on weight.
This can happen even if they take in only a few, starvation level of calories!
I would have a hard time being sexually attracted to a morbidly obese person.
I could still love and like the person, and probably even stay married, but just not want bedroom play.
excessive weight gain affects the relationship, no matter who gains the weight. Women are so much more self-conscious with weight gain and men tend to think of all their other quelities and not focus as much in their weight gain, at least do not constantly complaint about being overweight. But again, on either side, it affects the relationship as a whole, including sex
It sure does seem that women go straight into victim mode over the weight thing, no matter how it is mentioned. And you don't give a crap about the toll you take on those around you, because it's all about you and your victim status.
Oh, come off it, Onglet. No one is making anyone out to be a victim. I said earlier that eating to handle stress is a faulty coping mechanism. That is something the person gaining the weight has to take control of HERSELF. That is not something a husband, a friend, a parent, or any other relative can do for her.
Again, obese people know they are obese. They don't need you or anyone else to tell them that. They also know what needs to be done: Weight loss. They know why it needs to be done: Health. They know how it needs to be done: Intensive lifestyle change that takes a helluva lot of effort, energy, planning, money, and time--resources they may not have. That's why I used to write a weight loss column, to give them some resources.
Now here's another newsflash: They know that if they can't do it themselves, they will need help, and they often feel mortified and ashamed to ask for it. And trust me, when they do ask for it, 9 times out of 10 they will appreciate the understanding and help that only others who have been through it can provide, not the naive, simplistic, cavalier attitude of those who have never had to struggle with it, like the comments I'm seeing on this thread would indicate.
Some of you on this thread need to come down out of your towers and look around. Read a few weight-loss blogs and journals. You will see what folks with disordered eating--because that is what it is--go through. You'll see their struggles, their internal torment, and the way comments like the ones I'm reading here cut them to the quick. You'll see how the cycle starts, and you'll see some of the asinine things people have said and done to them under the pretense of "love." I know someone whose parents used to wake her up in the middle of the night and weigh her, and weigh her several times a day. You have NO IDEA how something like that messes with someone's mind. Now that is abusive, true. But then what--I read comments here from a woman who got dumped because she put on 20 pounds. Imagine what that would do to someone with a history like that. Imagine what the "helpful" comments from a spouse would do to someone with a history like that.
I have a few close friends who have grappled with their weight their whole lives, and I know a few people who have had gastric bypasses. I would be ashamed to point them to this thread because of the self-righteous, holier-than-thou tripe here. Hell, I won't even tell them about C-D because of the hate I see spewed here toward overweight people dang near every day. Obesity is the last bastion of acceptable bigotry. "Do overweight women have a right to be angry when their husbands look at porn?" Really? What kind of ahole even asks a question like that?
Y'all better hope it never happens to you. You better hope you never cope with thyroid disease, major depression, a debilitating illness or injury, or anything else that will make you gain weight. You know why? Because when you pass people like yourselves walking down the street, they're going to give you the same looks and think the same of you that you are thinking of the people you are judging now. They won't care what your "excuse" is. They'll just think you're a lazy, fat POS, and if they're anything like you are now, they'll let you know it one way or another.
And I'll consider it karma.
Last edited by Yzette; 09-08-2010 at 10:09 PM..
Reason: Where's the Tylenol?
He's my friend and therefore I do not bring up his slow suicide I am witnessing. I said something to him once, a few years ago, and now I figure it isn't any of my business. But if this were my spouse? Damn right this would be my business! You people can't sit there and make your husband watch you slowly kill yourself, and flip out when he calls you on it. Maybe when he married you, he actually meant for life and wants that life to last as long as possible. And now the guy has to watch you slowly kill yourself year after year.
It isn't all about you.
And another thing: Yes, it is. It is all about the person with the disordered eating. Study after study after study indicates that the people who are successful at losing weight are those who do it for themselves, which means making it about themselves. Not their spouses, not their kids. Themselves.
The last thing they need is some well-meaning but clueless friend or family member heaping guilt on top of their heads when they already feel enough guilt as it is.
But hey, while we're on the subject, ask anyone who has recovered from disordered eating, whether it's overeating, binging, purging, or anorexia. Invariably they will tell you it's about control. They feel it is the only thing in their lives they can control. It may seem counter-intuitive, because while it's going on they will look and feel out of control, but as someone else said, no one is tying them down forcing them to do it, which is what, through counseling and treatment by professionals, they come to understand. However, when the disordered eating starts, they may feel forced or coerced in other areas of their lives (do all the housework or live in filth of their husband's making) and they may feel overwhelmed with their responsibilities (kids come first, kids come first, kids come first).
So telling someone about how you would feel--making their issue about you--would be stripping them of control there, too. Dysfunctional, yes. But there it is.
And you do know that some people overeat to deliberately make themselves unattractive, right? Or to, as you say, commit slow suicide.
And another thing: Yes, it is. It is all about the person with the disordered eating. Study after study after study indicates that the people who are successful at losing weight are those who do it for themselves, which means making it about themselves. Not their spouses, not their kids. Themselves.
The last thing they need is some well-meaning but clueless friend or family member heaping guilt on top of their heads when they already feel enough guilt as it is.
But hey, while we're on the subject, ask anyone who has recovered from disordered eating, whether it's overeating, binging, purging, or anorexia. Invariably they will tell you it's about control. They feel it is the only thing in their lives they can control. It may seem counter-intuitive, because while it's going on they will look and feel out of control, but as someone else said, no one is tying them down forcing them to do it. However, they may feel forced or coerced in other areas of their lives (do all the housework or live in filth of their husband's making) and they may feel overwhelmed with their responsibilities (kids come first, kids come first, kids come first).
So telling someone about how you would feel--making their issue about you--would be stripping them of control there, too. Dysfunctional, yes. But there it is.
And you do know that some people overeat to deliberately make themselves unattractive, right? Or to, as you say, commit slow suicide.
Again, control.
Dang, doesn't reality suck?
I like you!
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Now finally he has gone a few days eating right, but I can see he’s struggling. Who knows how long it’s going to last. Looks like it’ll be another summer at the beach alone for me. 
