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Ok I have come to the believe that at some point it might take one single person to changed part of you.
Sometimes I can be conceited and have lately started become more demanding (judgmental at times, as well as out-spoken to the point I may overdo it if annoyed enough).
My younger self (old me) used to be rather the opposite. For example: If someone gave me a used clothing as a present, I wouldn't say anything and still say thanks or don't judge someone harshly, be very humble or shy.
This old me is long gone now... anyone meeting me for the first time will get the new version.
I don't think I'll ever be this same person again as I'm enjoying my new version... thanks to someone super, super cheap to the point of showing up empty handed on Christmas 2006 (was beyond mortified/hurt at the time but said nothing but cried later on). Next thing was not calling on one of my birthdays at all or showing up with a small teddy bear from the dollar store for Valentine...... and so on... never an improvement nor changed till I obviously got fed up with it.
I now feel that if I don't demand or act this way.... I'll be treated in the same manner again. But don't you need to demand and ask for more if given less? Or is demanding a terrible trait?
I don't want it to reach to the point of sounding like a demanding materialist but I feel this side of me is increasing now...... or can I ever go back to my old self again (well with that exception that boundaries would be established).
In theory I understand how facets of a personality can change over time, and it appears this may have happened here. It's good that you've set boundaries and discovered a more extroverted side.
I do, however, have a problem with your example. While I'm sure it's an emotionally-charged issue - holidays bring out the worst - it pales in comparison to some more pressing problems that I can imagine (and perhaps have even experienced).
I have to say that a gift is just a gift - when you begin to EXPECT them, you're setting yourself up for disappointment. If it's someone near and dear to you, then you might question the validity of your relationship.
But in a world filled with misery, suffering, hate and death, please don't tell me that not getting a fancy gift for some holiday is on the same level.
It's all about perspective. When you're happy with what you have on the inside, then the outside doesn't matter all that much anymore. You've come a long way - don't stop now!
PS: There's a fine line between demanding and assertive. Maybe this is the heart of the problem you're facing...
Last edited by SifuPhil; 09-14-2010 at 02:11 AM..
Reason: add PS
...
This old me is long gone now... anyone meeting me for the first time will get the new version.
"Sometimes I can be conceited and have lately started become more demanding (judgmental at times, as well as out-spoken to the point I may overdo it if annoyed enough)."
Honestly sunflower, it doesn't sound like progress. Shouldn't our goal in life be to become a better kinder person? Not a more demanding and judgemental one? I agree with Sifu that the terminology may be the issue here, and hopefully you are speaking of increased assertiveness, rather than demanding and judgemental.
A dollar store teddy bear on Valentine's? Yeah. Not a lot of thought went into that. I don't think it's the gift that is the problem - it's the chump presenting it. (Give me a poem from the heart written on a paper napkin over a half-a$$ed attempt at convention any day.) Perhaps what you need to do is simply make better choices in who you give your heart to.
Ok I have come to the believe that at some point it might take one single person to changed part of you.
Sometimes I can be conceited and have lately started become more demanding (judgmental at times, as well as out-spoken to the point I may overdo it if annoyed enough).
My younger self (old me) used to be rather the opposite. For example: If someone gave me a used clothing as a present, I wouldn't say anything and still say thanks or don't judge someone harshly, be very humble or shy.
This old me is long gone now... anyone meeting me for the first time will get the new version.
I don't think I'll ever be this same person again as I'm enjoying my new version... thanks to someone super, super cheap to the point of showing up empty handed on Christmas 2006 (was beyond mortified/hurt at the time but said nothing but cried later on). Next thing was not calling on one of my birthdays at all or showing up with a small teddy bear from the dollar store for Valentine...... and so on... never an improvement nor changed till I obviously got fed up with it.
I now feel that if I don't demand or act this way.... I'll be treated in the same manner again. But don't you need to demand and ask for more if given less? Or is demanding a terrible trait?
I don't want it to reach to the point of sounding like a demanding materialist but I feel this side of me is increasing now...... or can I ever go back to my old self again (well with that exception that boundaries would be established).
Honestly sunflower, it doesn't sound like progress. Shouldn't our goal in life be to become a better kinder person? Not a more demanding and judgemental one? I agree with Sifu that the terminology may be the issue here, and hopefully you are speaking of increased assertiveness, rather than demanding and judgemental.
At this point I might sometimes exaggerate it (somewhat similar to the male version of confusing a douche-bag with being assertive). Guess I need to find a balance to this... too much might turn others away from me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sunshineleith
A dollar store teddy bear on Valentine's? Yeah. Not a lot of thought went into that. I don't think it's the gift that is the problem - it's the chump presenting it. (Give me a poem from the heart written on a paper napkin over a half-a$$ed attempt at convention any day.) Perhaps what you need to do is simply make better choices in who you give your heart to.
Yes with this loser (now my ex), I meant nothing but a dollar trash. I know it's the intention of the gift giver counts but he used to decorate himself with jewelry accesories.. ok so where is my watch he promised to give me on Christmas long ago??
I would say we made almost the same amount of money but damn, did it had to go to that extreme of giving me nothing for Christmas?? It's no wonder my parents already disliked him from almost the start.
The final straw was when I send him items (he never send my anything) and he didn't bother picking them up for more than 2 months. The excuses were ''I'll pick them up next week, too much work or ''It got late, etc''...
Progress would be you realizing your new found confidence in saying it like it is and doing it at the right time for the right situation vs sitting back and being walked on.
I have to agree with others about your example. You "expect" gifts during the holidays. Granted, I think we would all be a little disappointed if we got a dollar store gift but... it IS the thought that counts. If you get something used as a gift the adult behavior would be to say "thank you" and just move on.
You have become bitter and angry because you are expecting things that should not be expected.
What you need to work on is forgiveness and patience. Maybe someone got you a dollar store gift because they didn't have the money or maybe they felt something was better than nothing? Just a thought.... Been there and you know how I handled it? I said "thank you" and carried on. Maybe people give you the things they do because they see you are expecting something and they are trying to teach you a lesson. Maybe they are just as annoyed with you as you are with them. Try putting the shoe on the other foot.
I don't ever expect my SO to buy me anything. If he does, I'm very appreciative of it and it's always a great gift but here again, I don't act like I'm owed something or walk around expecting to be treated like royalty. LOL
Maybe you are taking the value or existence of a gift as a sign of the health of a relationship. Sometimes, that may be true.
My wife and I seldom give each other gifts, even on Christmas and anniversaries. Every day together is a gift, and we are constantly doing nice little things for each other. To us, that's a far better sign of the relationship's health and how we appreciate each other than intermittent larger "recognition" through gifts (though occasionally we get inspired). We're not materialistic, either. We may celebrate a special occasion or holiday with dinner out - or make something special together and stay in.
Maybe you are taking the value or existence of a gift as a sign of the health of a relationship. Sometimes, that may be true.
My wife and I seldom give each other gifts, even on Christmas and anniversaries. Every day together is a gift, and we are constantly doing nice little things for each other. To us, that's a far better sign of the relationship's health and how we appreciate each other than intermittent larger "recognition" through gifts (though occasionally we get inspired). We're not materialistic, either. We may celebrate a special occasion or holiday with dinner out - or make something special together and stay in.
Wise words.
For me, gift-giving ceases to become relevant or worthwhile when the person expects it.
That said, I have sisters who can't be arsed to remember birthdays with so much as a card or a call, so I stopped worrying about that stuff with them a long time ago. Ditto their kids, who can't be arsed to write a thank-you note.
I tend to treat people how they treat me. If someone is kind to me (not talking about material things), I will be kind to them. If someone is considerate and thoughtful to me, I will be considerate and thoughtful to them. If someone is snitty, I let them know their attitude is not appreciated. And if someone can't be arsed to express gratitude for a gesture or a gift, I let them know I no longer think they are worth the effort, either, by not putting the effort into making gestures or giving gifts.
Life is short--too short to deal with jerks and idiots.
Ok I have come to the believe that at some point it might take one single person to changed part of you.
Sometimes I can be conceited and have lately started become more demanding (judgmental at times, as well as out-spoken to the point I may overdo it if annoyed enough).
My younger self (old me) used to be rather the opposite. For example: If someone gave me a used clothing as a present, I wouldn't say anything and still say thanks or don't judge someone harshly, be very humble or shy.
This old me is long gone now... anyone meeting me for the first time will get the new version.
I don't think I'll ever be this same person again as I'm enjoying my new version... thanks to someone super, super cheap to the point of showing up empty handed on Christmas 2006 (was beyond mortified/hurt at the time but said nothing but cried later on). Next thing was not calling on one of my birthdays at all or showing up with a small teddy bear from the dollar store for Valentine...... and so on... never an improvement nor changed till I obviously got fed up with it.
I now feel that if I don't demand or act this way.... I'll be treated in the same manner again. But don't you need to demand and ask for more if given less? Or is demanding a terrible trait?
I don't want it to reach to the point of sounding like a demanding materialist but I feel this side of me is increasing now...... or can I ever go back to my old self again (well with that exception that boundaries would be established).
Oh! I see now! The basis for a great relationship with you is MATERIALISM. Got it!
Gifts are overrated. You should not expect gifts, and be happy with a suttle gesture of remembrance.
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