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Hi guys, I need fresh eyes to look at this situation, as it is bugging me constantly.
I've been engaged to this guy for about 20 months, and we got engaged after 2-3 months of dating. Even though I was a virgin at 25 when we met, he has always suspected me. He grilled me several times and at the beginning, wanting to know what specifically I had "done" in the past, even going as far as to asking if I was gay.
We live apart, and he has always been obsessed with the idea of me "cheating". When we started, if he phoned me and I was unavailable for any reason, it meant that I was being suspicious even though I called him back asap. It doesn't help also that he is very cunning. On one occasion, I invited him to church with me, he pretended he wasn't coming, dropped me off at the station, and immediately followed me on the train back to church to see if I indeed was going where I said I was. When confronted, he said it was because I gave him a reason to believe that I was cheating by not always answering my phone immediately. One public holiday, I had lots of work to do at home so I told him I was going to work when I wasn't (I didn't want to be disturbed). He called my work, and as I wasn't there, he concluded I was cheating. He confronted me about it, and I admitted that I lied about going to work, but only because I needed to get some work done at home. He was terribly upset about this, even shouting at me down the phone. It was only later that I realised that he got so emotional because he had assumed that I was cheating, not because he was betrayed by me lying about where I was. He admits that he has had several partners before me, and also that he had never been 100% faithful to any one of them. Yet, I do not try to grill him in the same way. I do not assume that he is cheating when anything happens, if he doesn't answer his phone immediately. The funny thing about this is that the day he told me that he had never been faithful to anyone before (even in a 5 year relationship that he was in - he said the lady cheated, so he cheated for revenge), he immediately followed up saying that things might get bloody if I ever cheated on him. His first reaction if anything happens between us is "Who have you told?". He says that he doesn't want us bringing 'outsiders' into our marriage issues, which is a valid approach, but I am beginning to doubt the intention behind this.
Recently, I found out that he has (without my knowledge), not just hacked into my Twitter account but also set up his phone to receive an alert whenever anyone mentions me or sends me a message on Twitter. This is not just a hack which lets you log into my Twitter. This is an alert like a text message. This means that wherever he is, whatever he is doing, he wants to know what who contacts me on Twitter. He does have a Twitter account but isn't interested in anything I have to say and so he isn't following me. Rather he is interested in the private messages I get, and what messages people send me. By the way, I have absolutely nothing whatsoever to hide there. I do have male "followers", but these are people who I learn from. I'm quite interested in business and technology and I think it's a great learning resource for other people's experiences. So I don't mind that he can see all my conversations. What I mind about is that 2 months to our wedding, this man is convinced enough that I might be flirting with other men, that he is still trying to catch me out through various methods. This worries me, because why would anyone go through wedding planning and preparations with someone they don't trust? I'm not a flirt, I don't have many friends yet I'm being treated like a criminal. I almost regret saving up myself all these years only to end up being monitored and investigated for infidelity for no just cause. This breaks my heart because I don't treat him the same way, and I don't know what I have done to deserve this kind of treatment.
The ironic thing is that early this year, I met a guy on the plane, who can be desribed as a ladies man. This man stared at me for the entire duration of the 6-hour flight, at the end of which he stopped me to chat me up. I initially thought he recognised me from somewhere, but when it seemed he just wanted to chat a girl up, I told him I was married and walked away. I narrated this to my fiancer, and by pure coincidence 3 months later, it turned out the same guy in question was dating my fiance's cousin, and had narrated the incident to her as well, confirming my story in public. If anyone ever needed reassurance, then I would have thought that would be it - but my fiance says that his problem is that I shouldn't even have had a conversation with a stranger in the first place! So basically he's not convinced that I wouldn't sleep with any odd guy that catches my fancy if he had the right qualities. When you love someone, have given them yourself in a way that you'll never give anyone, and want to spend the rest of your life with them, this is very hard to hear. I understand that he has been cheated on before, and it was difficult for him, being a very very caring guy, but it still doesn't justify punishing me for other peoples sins.
What do you make of this, guys? Are his fears justified? Am I potentially wayward? Are all these suspicious behaviours? I don't want to end up in an abusive, controlling marriage.
If you think it's bad now wait until you're married and he "owns" you. Forget about any male friends, or woman friends with husbands, or the checkout boy at the grocery store, or the meter reader. God help you if you're in the shower and can't answer the phone when he calls. Or you're sick and can't answer it fast enough.
Do NOT marry this guy, please.
You think you are miserable now?? HA!!! You ain`t seen nuthin` yet gal!
He has issues, and if you go through with this marriage, you will regret it.
Walk away. This guy is on his best behavior right now. You think it gets better? I mean, why do you even need us to tell you? Trust your gut and get the hell away from this guy.
I guess I do love him at the end of the day. He has some great qualities apart from these, and these are minor faults of his which I have seen improvements from time to time. My hope is that we can resolve these issues, and live peacefully together without looking over shoulders for the rest of our lives. Does this sound naive?
It will not get better and you will only find yourself miserable. This dude is completely psycho. You will never fill the endless void created by his insecurities, and he will drain you dry as you try to please someone who can't be pleased.
I guess I do love him at the end of the day. He has some great qualities apart from these, and these are minor faults of his which I have seen improvements from time to time. My hope is that we can resolve these issues, and live peacefully together without looking over shoulders for the rest of our lives. Does this sound naive?
I used to know someone who was irrationally jealous and they got better. Just sit him down and tell him that he has a problem that he needs to address and that you're not going anywhere. I really think you should postpone the wedding though until he calms down.
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