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Please believe I am not defending him in any way, but I did not "get beat up." Yes, there was abuse, and yes, I did leave. Those issues were resolved, but the problem is the emotional hurt is still there. I have tried to forgive, but that never seemed to completely happen...and he still can be hurtful with his words...it is just the way he is and has been brought up by his parents. My indecision comes because there are many positives in the marriage, and I know he tries...but it is a roller coaster of a marriage...one that I am tired of riding. Does that make sense to anyone? Any advice?
When the love dies it's hard to reignite it. But sometimes being by yourself is far nicer than living with someone you don't really like. Once you start imagining life without him the actual leaving comes pretty easily.
I have been married for 22 years, with grown children. Over the years, my marriage has survived both physical and emotional abuse because my husband promised to change...and he did somewhat. There has been no more physical abuse, but because of his temper, the emotional abuse happens from time to time. Because of this, my love has changed. I still have feelings for him, but nothing like when we were first married. My problem is I feel sorry for him. I know that sounds crazy, but I do. If I leave him, he will be devastated...and yet, I do not feel what I should for him. We have a history, a mortgage, and a commitment. What takes precedence?
At this point, your peace of mind and the ability to live your life for yourself takes precedence. Normally I would say kids first but you are done with that part of life.
Having such a long history together can make it extremely difficult to leave. But you have to ask yourself:
Am I still IN love with this man? The mere fact you have 22 years invested will mean you love him but there is a big difference in loving someone out of familiarity than IN love with them.
Have I done everthing within MY power to make it work? This means can you leave know nothing is left on the table to negotiate or work out. Unless you want to play a constant game of "take me back" "this time it's different" "I will change" take this question very seriously. Once you make the decision to leave, do it with the notion it is permanent. You don't have the rest of your life to waste on someone who isn't prepared to do what it takes to make you happy.
Can I ever truly forgive him and move forward together? I have never been a believer of someone blaming their behavior (abuse) on their childhood. If that was the case, I would be the worst mother and the most self-serving b*tch on the planet! However, I chose for that not to be my path in life. That despite what I endured as a child, I would be a good mom, wife, daughter, etc. Some people will use it as a crutch or an excuse....it doesn't fly in my book. You always have a choice to determine your behavior.
You can't change the past. If you don't like what you see for your future, make a change. You are the only one responsible for your happiness. Best wishes!
Thank you everyone for all of your wise words. It is so difficult to make a life-changing decision when you are in the thick of things. It takes an objective mind to shed some light for others. If he were all bad, it would make things easier, but he is not. He tries to be a better person and I do see that, but I do not know if his "trying" is enough to undo all the damage that has been done. Because he still has a quick temper which leads him to say hurtful things...it seems every time he takes 2 steps forward, he eventually takes 2 steps back. Ultimately, it is my life, and I have to ask the big question...what will make ME happy? That has just never been my way. I always have put the kids and his happiness first...but I think the time has come for me to make that decision. I really appreciates everyone's input.
Thank you everyone for all of your wise words. It is so difficult to make a life-changing decision when you are in the thick of things. It takes an objective mind to shed some light for others. If he were all bad, it would make things easier, but he is not. He tries to be a better person and I do see that, but I do not know if his "trying" is enough to undo all the damage that has been done. Because he still has a quick temper which leads him to say hurtful things...it seems every time he takes 2 steps forward, he eventually takes 2 steps back. Ultimately, it is my life, and I have to ask the big question...what will make ME happy? That has just never been my way. I always have put the kids and his happiness first...but I think the time has come for me to make that decision. I really appreciates everyone's input.
And i think that is the biggest thing, you need to now put your happiness first. And it seems you are not happy, so i think it is time for you to move on.
I have been married for 22 years, with grown children. Over the years, my marriage has survived both physical and emotional abuse because my husband promised to change...and he did somewhat. There has been no more physical abuse, but because of his temper, the emotional abuse happens from time to time. Because of this, my love has changed. I still have feelings for him, but nothing like when we were first married. My problem is I feel sorry for him. I know that sounds crazy, but I do. If I leave him, he will be devastated...and yet, I do not feel what I should for him. We have a history, a mortgage, and a commitment. What takes precedence?
Consider that by leaving him, you might be doing him a favor. I felt sorry for my abusive ex, also, but he didn't pull himself together until he HAD to because I'd had enough and divorced him. It was the past the point where I could ever again have the same feelings I once had, but at least now I don't hate him. The best thing I ever could have done for HIM as well as myself was cut him loose. I'm not sure he sees it that way, but it's the truth.
I have been married for 22 years, with grown children. Over the years, my marriage has survived both physical and emotional abuse because my husband promised to change...and he did somewhat. There has been no more physical abuse, but because of his temper, the emotional abuse happens from time to time. Because of this, my love has changed. I still have feelings for him, but nothing like when we were first married. My problem is I feel sorry for him. I know that sounds crazy, but I do. If I leave him, he will be devastated...and yet, I do not feel what I should for him. We have a history, a mortgage, and a commitment. What takes precedence?
This particular little saying came up when I was first separated, and it became my mantra during that time:
"If you're always gonna do what you always did, then you're always gonna get what you always got."
Why bother to ask? You did not leave him before. I doubt that you will do it now. People get so caught up in how to leave, the money, the stuff, the kids, everything but the real reason...if you would rather be dead than live with this person, it is time to go. I left my ex, and just left everything, because none of it really mattered to me. I did not want a relationship with him, or talk to him, or deal with him at all. I packed some things over a month, he never noticed. Took some money out of our account, switched my check to come to my own account, paid off my credit cards, And one Friday night, told him I was leaving him. He honestly did not even believe it. He started saying how I could not have his house, blah, blah...I told him I did not want anything. I left the next day, and filed my divorce on line, did not need an attorney.
Now, I don't regret my choice at all. I can support myself, and don't need his money, and I don't care about the house. It was just a big place where I was imprisoned in misery for 15 years. I don't have a fancy house now, or a fancy car, or go on vacations, or have lots of money to spend like I used to...but I come home to my small apt, and no one yells at me. I don't have to do things I don't want to do, I am alone, and very happy.
Our kids are okay, they are mostly grown, and knew that our marriage was not good. How can it be when the people don't even talk to each other, or sleep together?
Alot of people think that I am stupid...and should have fought for money, the house, blah, blah...I just really don't care. I just wanted to be away, and have no more drama, and just live in peace. I am okay with my decision. Don't let the "small" stuff make a choice for you.
I have been married for 22 years, with grown children. Over the years, my marriage has survived both physical and emotional abuse because my husband promised to change...and he did somewhat. There has been no more physical abuse, but because of his temper, the emotional abuse happens from time to time. Because of this, my love has changed. I still have feelings for him, but nothing like when we were first married. My problem is I feel sorry for him. I know that sounds crazy, but I do. If I leave him, he will be devastated...and yet, I do not feel what I should for him. We have a history, a mortgage, and a commitment. What takes precedence?
I could have written this (except for the physical abuse part) right before I left my ex-husband. In fact the story is so familiar that I will give you a few words of wisdom:
1. If you leave him, he will act devastated and may even believe he is - but abusive personalities are, above all, survivors. (I am willing to bet he already plays the guilt card on this whenever you threaten to leave and tells you he "can't live without you"). So, here's the truth: he WILL survive. Not only will he survive, he will quickly find someone else and treat her like crap as well!
2. You will always have feelings for him. That's fine. It doesn't mean you have to live in an unhappy marriage for another 22 years. Love him from a distance.
3. Your history will be your history - whether or not you stay or leave.
4. A mortgage? You're kidding right? Not a reason to stay.
5. A commitment. Well, if you took the traditional vows, he promised to love, honour, and cherish. Verbally abusing your spouse is not loving, honouring or cherishing.
Don't waste the next 22 years of your life trying to make this man happy. Because essentially, that's what the problem is: he is not a happy guy and he will never be a happy guy. And you can't make him happy. You can spend another 22 years trying, but believe me, you cannot make him feel loved enough or appreciated enough. He has made a life out of being cranky and miserable and he is comfortable in that zone. You don't have to be.
You are still young and have the second half of your life ahead of you. YOU get to choose whether that second half will consist of happy years (with someone who treats you well or happy alone), or whether it will be more of the same. I was stuck in the same rut. I called it inertia. When I finally got the balls to leave I never looked back. Don't waste what remains of your youth.
Sounds like you're bored and threw in abuse as a way to justify leaving. I guess I'd have to know what you consider emotionable abuse..
This is probably going to be a really unpopular post because according to most people you're supposed to always do what makes you happiest at any and all moments but.. *shrug*
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Well, if you took the traditional vows, he promised to love, honour, and cherish. Verbally abusing your spouse is not loving, honouring or cherishing. 
