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For the better than me people, I realize a) I'm a piece of crap and b) I should just die and c) just by posting this stuff on here makes me a whiney, sissy, non-man, there, I hope I covered my looser-ness with no further need to abuse me as I know that both a, b & c are true.
I want to travel, to hike, to bike, to walk on the beach, to just get out of the dang house and do something fun...unfortunately the wife just wants to lay in the bed and watch TV and while she wants to travel, that means to her, sit in the car and watch me do something (jet ski, hike, etc)
I realize that I'm being a self centered pr@ck by focusing on being happy for the remaining years I have left where I'm healthy and can still do stuff (I'm 44 now) wife is 50.
I would leave her the house, everything in it, the cars, everything, I just want to leave, but can't stand the thought of leaving, she is a nice woman, we get along fine, we just don't do much together. She admits that she doesn't like to hike, exercise, walk or do anything that i do, but she is nice and she loves me. I think I love her and I'm sure I'll regret if I left, but man I'd like to just leave.
Not sure why I posted on here, if you met my wife you would say she is very nice, as she is, but I am not happy. I work 60 hours a week as it doesn't matter if I'm home or not as I don't enjoy being home. I am very practical, I don't spend much money, I work 2 jobs, I owe very little, and I'm not even much of a partier, but I would like to get out more.
Before you all say, that I should just go out and do stuff by myself, I have done just that, but it gets old after many years of traveling and doing stuff by myself. And before you say the wife is bad, I'm the one who is wicked and if you knew me you would agree.
One author worth reading for you is Wayne Dyer. I think he does a good job talking about happiness and what it is all about.
One thing that is clear to me is your wife is merely a symptom or excuse. The real issue is you. You could change wives 5 times and I don't think it would matter one bit. Look at what you wrote about yourself, which I would say goes beyond self depreciating to the point of a lack of self esteem and it's seems clear you don't like yourself.
I think i'd put the wife issue aside for the moment and start working on yourself internally, it's clear there is some deep unhappiness and you can point the finger but 3 are pointing right back at you. I would find a counselor to talk to about this and then bring your wife into the equation.
The other thing that stands out is the idea of having to have other people there to enjoy something. I think people often fantasize about their partners being involved in what they do, only to regret later on not having their own space to do as they please without that constant oversight. Can't tell you how many times I have seen people wish for that only to regret it. We all need a private part of our lives, in our head and the external world where we don't have any judgment or compromises cast on us.
I think like a lot of people when you start to creep into middle age, you have unrealized dreams and want to feel young again. A lot of people try to fix that by abandoning their family and everything they have and that if they go out and booze, bang whores, motorcycle, etc. they will be filled up and all will be good. But they never are because they never addressed the key issues inside themselves. They are people on the run and always pouring in stuff that never fills them up and satisfies them. I have known way too many of these people and it has never turned out well in one case. They become fugitives in a way with the same thinking, always on the run from themselves and end up estranged from family and in trouble in other ways.
Before you step into the pit of no return, I think one thing you should consider is a sabbatical. We all need time and space in our life to step back and reflect OUTSIDE of the situation we are in. We all go through life changes and with your years advancing, kids gone, somewhat financially stable, I would pick some place, maybe in another country, rent a condo/apartment for a month and do some activities you enjoy. I've always found that by giving yourself a break outside of your daily circumstances and some distance, you have the most clarity when it comes to making decisions, processing mentally things that have happened to you in the past and getting reenergized for the future.
Man oh Man, you pegged it. I'm planning a vacation to Key west next month, I need to get away for a little while. But if I don't take the wife she'll get mad, but if I take her it'd be even less fun than if I go alone.....and if I take a friend to have someone to hang out with, then she'll be really mad
I go to Key West all the time (check out my pics). Whatever you do, make sure you go to the Garden of Eden. Clothing is optional.
For the better than me people, I realize a) I'm a piece of crap and b) I should just die and c) just by posting this stuff on here makes me a whiney, sissy, non-man, there, I hope I covered my looser-ness with no further need to abuse me as I know that both a, b & c are true.
Here is my situation,
I met and married my wife as soon as I left home while in the military (18 yo) and immediately got her pregnant. I made a pledge to take care of my son's until they grew up.
So fast forward many, many years. My youngest is now 18 and should graduate in the spring. And I desperately want to end my commitment to the wife. My wife & I do not argue, we rarely even get angry with each other, is that due to no passion? We have little in common, not religion, not goals, not much of anything, other than having 2 children together who are now grown and gardening.
I want to travel, to hike, to bike, to walk on the beach, to just get out of the dang house and do something fun...unfortunately the wife just wants to lay in the bed and watch TV and while she wants to travel, that means to her, sit in the car and watch me do something (jet ski, hike, etc)
I realize that I'm being a self centered pr@ck by focusing on being happy for the remaining years I have left where I'm healthy and can still do stuff (I'm 44 now) wife is 50.
I would leave her the house, everything in it, the cars, everything, I just want to leave, but can't stand the thought of leaving, she is a nice woman, we get along fine, we just don't do much together. She admits that she doesn't like to hike, exercise, walk or do anything that i do, but she is nice and she loves me. I think I love her and I'm sure I'll regret if I left, but man I'd like to just leave.
Not sure why I posted on here, if you met my wife you would say she is very nice, as she is, but I am not happy. I work 60 hours a week as it doesn't matter if I'm home or not as I don't enjoy being home. I am very practical, I don't spend much money, I work 2 jobs, I owe very little, and I'm not even much of a partier, but I would like to get out more.
Before you all say, that I should just go out and do stuff by myself, I have done just that, but it gets old after many years of traveling and doing stuff by myself. And before you say the wife is bad, I'm the one who is wicked and if you knew me you would agree.
So why do I post here?? a) only a few on CD people on here know my real identity and b) I would like some positive encouragement....keep the wife who I get along with and who doesn't cheat on me, drink or do anything bad or should I just go off by myself and live in a hole?? I think the easiest thing to do is to keep doing what I've always done....work.....a lot.
Sorry for the whiney rant, I should just find someone to talk to, but what's the point, I'm married to a nice woman, what is wrong with that. Again...sorry, just had to vent.
I think Branson has some wise words, and suggestions. But since there don't seem to be any "heavy duty" problems besides boredom and lack of "passion", I'd be curious to know how leaving is going to improve all that? Also, never underestimate all the things (or their value) that the relationship may currently be providing, which you've probably come to "take for granted" after all these years. Appreciating whatever we've got is always a good thing in life, whether married or single.
And if you feel like you're still set on it, maybe try a trial separation first, before "burning any bridges". You need to take care of yourself, but still try to be kind.
Again the fantasy side comes into things and for a lot of people I have seen like this, they expect to segway immediately into another relationship, preferably with someone younger, hotter and wants to do everything they do. Maybe in Hollywood, but the reality is you are just another sexless single person moving into an empty apartment away from everything you know.
Well, you have a lot to think about. Yes, it's no fun to be in a passionless marriage but there are always pitfalls in leaving a spouse, especially for a man. Let me point them out
How are you financially? You say you want to just leave and let your wife have everything but you might change your mind after the fact. Divorces can be very contentious and your wife could be spitting mad once you deliver the news. It could get ugly very quickly and if that happens, I doubt you would be so magnanimous. If she really does get a huge hunk of your assets, will you still be able to afford all the fun times you have planned?
Are you prepared to possibly hurt your relationship with your kids? Granted, they are older but kids often take one parents side in a split and they may very well take Mom's side, especially if she's as nice as you say. You will be seen as the villian and it may take a long time to rebuild things with them.
You may not feel this way now but eventually you will want to start dating again. I'll be blunt. How are your looks, health and financial status? If you're handsome, fit and trim and have a good status job that pays very well, you'll probably do OK. Women are going to be VERY picky though. A guy with only average looks and job will have an extremely hard time finding a good woman. If you fall below average on looks or money, you may very well spend a long time alone. Are you prepared for that?
After the initial shock of a divorce, your wife will likely recover quickly and make new friends. She'll get all the emotional support she needs from friends, relatives, etc. That's what women do. They have much stronger social support systems than do men. On the other hand, if most of your friends are married, they may shy away from you, especially if you initiated the divorce. You may even become a joke and be seen as a deluded man going through a mid-life crisis. Are you prepared to possibly lose old friendships?
I know I don't paint a pretty picture but i think it helps to look at things from all angles. Hope you don't mind my attempt at Devil's Advocate. There are a lot of things to think about though. May as well be prepared for the bad as well as the good.
Kind of a sad post. The wife sounds kind of selfish if all she wants to do is lay there with the tv and make no effort to be a partner. And it sounds like your committment was more to the kids than it ever was to her.
If it's not about some other woman - then if you end up alone, it doesn't sound like that would be much different than what you have right now, but you may really be alone and regret giving up a woman who at least did love you.
Others said it better - it may be something you're going through - a boredom has set in with the kids now grown and you haven't moved beyond them.
My sister sounded much like you, she said she really didn't see the point in being married to her husband any more after the kids were gone, the kids were all they had in common she felt. But the kids are gone, now there are some young grandkids and they travel to visit them and they seem to have gotten past that adjustment and are still together. They both did some midlife adjustments, she went back to work, he bought a real nice motorcycle and takes motorcycle trips with another brother-in-law.
It sounds to me like your relationship is fairly typical - a couple whose relationship was centered around family, the kids and without them there any more there seems to be nothing left - but for many that's temporary and they move into the next stage.
Without question, I would leave her in a heartbeat. Life is way too short to spend it with someone who you have little in common with. You will have some guilt and question your decision, but eventually you will get over her and realize that you made the right choice. Don't look for another woman right away & spend a good amount of time living by yourself to get your head clear. You'll know when you're ready to start looking again. Best of luck to you & I hope things work out.
If she won't change or compromise, then leave her everything to give her financial stability. Then leave.
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