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I dont' know if anyone will even read this. But if you're bored, feel free. I typed it out, figured I'd put it out there. Sorry it's so long
I've had a history of an eating disorder when I was 14. I've suffered mild depression since then (I'm now 28). The depression is worst at times and better at others. I graduated college in 2004 and got a job in early 2005 and moved out on my own. From then, my depression was up and down, with long periods of down followed by a period of up. The job was OK, I was in a relationship that was OK, everything was OK. I didn't have many (or any) friends where I was living, but I got by on watching TV and working out and spending time with my bf.
In mid-2008, my company started expanding and hired a number of new people. That is when I started to socialize with my co-workers outside of work and a result had friends that I could hang out with. There was an issue with my relationship and as a result I wasn't seeing my bf very often and I liked it that way. I ended up spending Thanksgiving with my family alone without him and I liked it. I was really angry at him during this time and was contemplating ending everything with him. We had been together 8 years and that is what was stopping me. At this same time, I started to get close to this girl at work and actually started to have feelings for her. But, she was in a relationship and I didn't give it much thought. Spending time with all these people made me realize that my bf was not the end of the world for me, and right after the New Year I ended things with him.
A week or two later, the girl from work and a couple of other people went to happy hour. We then ended up at my house after since I lived near the job. Her car was in the shop at the time, so she had to take the train by a certain time. I told her I would drive her home if she didn't make the train. Well we got into socializing and such and it was too late for her train and she lived about 50 mins away so I told her she could stay and I would drive her in the morning. It was winter and the downstairs was cold. So I told her to sleep in my room and after trying the freezing couch, I came back up and asked her if I could just sleep with her in the bed. She said that it was my house and I could do what I want. We ended up talking till like 6 in the morning and then passed out. I woke up sleeping in her arms and she didn't seem to have a problem with it. We talked again until like 4 in the afternoon before she had to leave. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]Nothing sexual happened. Before she had to leave, I asked her if she had an open relationship with her girlfriend. She said if I meant that they share everything or do whatever they want. I said, do whatever you want. She said that if that were the case, she would have already done what she wanted, meaning, we would have done something last night or the morning of. I said OK and didn't think much of it. She left, and I went to meet my parents at a house party. On the way back, I just felt this longing for her, I missed her. I missed talking to her, feeling her next to me, everything. I text her, "I miss you." I don't know why I did that. That Monday, we were back at work and went out to lunch with a co-worker. The co-worker was her boss and they were pretty tight. Without my knowledge, she asked him to borrow his car after we got back from lunch to spend a few minutes with me alone. She again asked him in front of me as we were pulling into the garage. I was in the backseat and when we parked, he got out and left and she got in the backseat with me. She said that over the weekend, her girlfriend had once again asked her for an open relationship. She had always said no, but this time just decided to say yes. Their relationship was on the rocks as it was. I said, OK, so all of a sudden you have an open relationship? She said yes and asked if she could kiss me. So she did and it was nice. I had a weird feeling of her technically cheating on her gf eventhough they had an open relationship now. She said not to worry about that and if this whole thing makes me feel weird then she just won't bother me. I said that I liked her and I wanted to spend time with her. She said she liked me too and that's how it started.
She still didn't have her car, so I started picking her up from the train every morning and we would talk for a bit. We would go out for lunch together, sometimes going back to my house to make out and other things... Once she got her car back, she started coming to my house about 2 hours before we had to go to work in the morning and we would cuddle, make out, have sex etc. She spent a couple of nights at my house and it was awesome. I tried to block out the fact that her life was with this other girl. She would tell me how bad things are with her gf and I would just listen and offer any unbiased advice that I could. I started to really fall for her and eventually really fell in love with her. Listening to her talk about her gf made me want to wait it out. I hated the time when I wasn't with her and I hated that I couldn't have her to be mine. I told her that I would wait for her as long as it took and for her to take her time. I knew she needed time as that is what I needed when I ended my relationship. Everytime I told her that, she would kind of brush it off or change the subject. I later learned that that was because she didn't want to talk to me about things that could or could not happen. For her I was an outlet but I was going through somewhat of a personal hell when I was without her. I started going out with my new friends more when she wasn't around and started drinking rather a lot. I also started my MBA program so I was trying to keep busy. This went on from Februray through June 23rd 2010.
On June 23rd my company had layoffs and she was one of the ones gone. I thought my life was over. I didn't know when I would have opportunities to see her. I thought it was pretty much over. I got to see her a few times in the next few weeks, but was going through hell. Then in late July, she came to my house late one night and told me that her relationship with the other girl was over (they had the final fight). I said OK, does this mean we can be together now? She said she won't go around calling me her gf yet because it's so soon, but she's not looking for anyone else. I was in a bit of shock. We did start spending some more time together, although she got a under the table job working like 12 hours a day and she still had to take care of her household back at home.
Even before her relationship was over, she had decided that she was going to go to a one year training school in Florida, 1000 miles away. She said it was a dream of hers. I hated that she would have to leave so soon now that we can be together, but I loved her so much that I supported her. She spent the next month and half spending time with me and saying bye to her friends. I didn't get to go out with her and her friends and she seemed to be having so much fun reconnecting with them and being without the other girl, who was somewhat of a b**ch. I felt crappy, like I was never gonna have her and she was not going to acknowledge me.
I kept on dealing with it the way I had in the past, although it was a bit harder since there was no routine or given time when I could see her. I drove her down to Florida at the end of September and promised that I would come see her. Luckily flights were cheap and I was able to come every 2-3 weeks. We talked on the phone every morning before school, during the day when I was at work and every night for hours. Our relationship grew and we were falling in love more everyday. I kept on dealing with it by drinking and hanging out with this person from work. Another co-worker of mine and I used to go for walks at lunch time and talk about our problems. Her and a third co-worker who were both older than me, told me to move to Florida since I was so miserable here. I didn't even think about it. What was I gonna do in Florida?
After some careful consideration and planning, I finally made the decision to move to Florida as soon as my Spring 2010 semester ended in April. We signed a lease on an apartment and I started packing up my stuff. I still visited often and found a waitressing job to start in early April. I progressively moved to Florida between late March and end of April 2010. Since we never really lived together, adjusting to the arrangement took some time and is still taking time. But I'm learning to be more flexible and less anal, and she's learning to deal with my quirks. We made a promise that we would always try and never give up on the relationship. We love each other like crazy.
In June I started job in my field which was almost an hour away. It was good because it was salary and benefits, but it was far and I had no one to hang out with, go to lunch with or anything. On top of that, it was in the middle of nowhere, so there was nothing to do. The boss did a couple of things I couldn't tolerate and I started looking for another job. I started getting a bit depressed at the job, but looking for a new one gave me hope. On top of that, I never really did stop the drinking, so that was probably no help.
Our relationship was going well, although I do have some hang ups about the past. She keeps telling me that I can't be angry about something that I accepted in the past. And I'm trying not to be, but those feelings I had when I was all alone and she was still with the other girl, or when she left for Florida, just come back to haunt me from time to time. She gets frustrated with me because she says that all she wants to do is love me and I act like she's gonna pick up and leave at any moment. We both agree that we got together under not so ideal circumstances but it's time to move on. I agree, but the feelings just feel so raw.
Part of the problem is that she has since graduated in September 2010 and is now looking for a job. There are not many opportunities for her in Florida as most jobs are in California with others scattered around elsewhere. Most likely she will have to take whatever comes her way. When she thinks about leaving somewhere for a job, she thinks about the money, the experience, the bills it would help pay off. I know that's important, I know. She says she's thinking about getting the experience to eventually get the position she wants to make us secure. I just feel like I'm gonna be all alone again. I did get a new job and started in September 2010. I need to stay here at least through January 2012, so I can't just pick up and move again. I want to enjoy the time with her, but I just have this feeling that any day now she can be gone. She says that she's doing everything she can to stay with me or close to me, but that I have to understand the situation and that if she does go to Cali or something, that I'm still hers and we'll be together again in due time. I just feel like my life is being put on hold, again. But, I do love her to pieces and would wait a lifetime for her.
This is making me all depressed. On top of that, I don't have many friends here in Florida in the case that she does leave. This scares me. I vowed to stop the drinking because it's not really helping anymore. I want to start going to the gym again, but am just so unmotivated. I'm not motivated for work or school either. I just feel like I'm surviving day to day and she hasn't even left yet. The only times when I don't feel like this, is either when I get home from work and we spend time together or the weekends.
Also, my parents don't really approve of the relationship. Not sure if it's because she's a girl or because of her race as has been indicated to me. My mother says that she's too different from us. So I've been somewhat estranged from my family also. I don't know what my problem is. Usually, I just dedicate my life to the gym and eventually get out of these ruts, but this time around I can't be motivated for anything.
I think you need to find out who you are as a person and what you want from your own life. Drinking, or doing anything else to access, are ways we keep ourselves occupied in order to avoid confronting our own responsibilities. Other people can't fulfill us or give us self worth. Each one of us are responsible for making that determination on our own.
Until we do so, we only drag other people down and exhaust them....rather than having something useful to bring into the relationship. Only when we are following our own path do we run into people on the same path. This is what true friendship and love is....sharing the same path.....not following behind another person and feeling they owe it to us to drag us along due to our own lack of vision and dreams.
Thanks for your message GloryB. [SIZE=2]I feel like I don't really have any dreams or visions. I want to have a family and spend time with them. That's my only real dream. I don't dream of a six figure salary, a corner office, an expensive car or anything like that. I just want to have a family that I love and loves me and we get to spend time together. I know my gf wants a family as well, it's just that we can't do that until we're both working and settled. So I feel like I'm just hanging out. I've been feeling like this for a while.[/SIZE]
I am sympathetic to your dilemma. If you are just "down", this is something we all go through from time to time. But if you are truly depressed, please get professional help. Have you thought about reaching out to others through volunteer work? It can be uplifting to shift your attention to helping others. And you're bound to meet other interesting people in the process. While I understand your attention on your relationship, I'm not sure your singular focus makes you a very interesting partner.
You seem to be going in circles and not really getting anywhere--either professionally or romantically. I really think you could use some professional counseling but you also need to get back some control in your life. My suggestion is to FORCE yourself to start back with a good aerobic and weight lifting program to give yourself a FOCUS in your life. It will be tempting to do it half-halfheartedly and skip sessions but getting back some kind of control in your life is the best thing you could do for yourself. Good luck.
I am sympathetic to your dilemma. If you are just "down", this is something we all go through from time to time. But if you are truly depressed, please get professional help. Have you thought about reaching out to others through volunteer work? It can be uplifting to shift your attention to helping others. And you're bound to meet other interesting people in the process. While I understand your attention on your relationship, I'm not sure your singular focus makes you a very interesting partner.
I agree with Kiwi and Cunucu.
A good therapist can do wonders. S/he can help you work through your feelings and perhaps help you avoid engaging in self-destructive behavior such as drinking too much or isolating yourself from people. Volunteer work is also a good suggestion. Volunteers are needed in so many venues ...... stock shelves in a food pantry; help the elderly; care for animals at the Humane Society. Also, getting back to the gym sounds like a good idea.
OP, you know that there are certain things that make you happy, such as working out. The problem is getting that motivation back to start doing it. If you can't do it on your own, do consider a therapist and/or a physician. You're still young, and the world can be your oyster. You seem to be clinging to your gf for dear life. Perhaps you should let go at least a little and fly on your own for a while. Learn more about yourself and what it is you really want out of life.
You need to find things within yourself to live for. It seems that you only live for gf which is problematic. You need to have a reason for doing the things you do besides for your gf. What are you passionate about? You say you really want a family but is that the only thing you want? Do you have interests in the arts, music, dance, etc...? You mentioned you had an eating disorder and while exercise can be a wonderful way to release stress it can also become an obsession. From experience, I have been obsessed with exercise to the point I hurt my body too much in a desire to be thin. I know you said you had a history with an ED and maybe I over-read any part that you truly got over it.
Depression can make your life feel empty. However, you will get through it. Therapy really can do wonders. It can help you gain insight into what you really want from life as well as the things that you unconsciously do to sabotage yourself. I would definitely try therapy.
You just need to find yourself again and I am sure you will. We all get to points in our life where we get stuck in the mud but we get out it.
I dont' know if anyone will even read this. But if you're bored, feel free. I typed it out, figured I'd put it out there. Sorry it's so long
I've had a history of an eating disorder when I was 14. I've suffered mild depression since then (I'm now 28). The depression is worst at times and better at others. I graduated college in 2004 and got a job in early 2005 and moved out on my own. From then, my depression was up and down, with long periods of down followed by a period of up. The job was OK, I was in a relationship that was OK, everything was OK. I didn't have many (or any) friends where I was living, but I got by on watching TV and working out and spending time with my bf.
In mid-2008, my company started expanding and hired a number of new people. That is when I started to socialize with my co-workers outside of work and a result had friends that I could hang out with. There was an issue with my relationship and as a result I wasn't seeing my bf very often and I liked it that way. I ended up spending Thanksgiving with my family alone without him and I liked it. I was really angry at him during this time and was contemplating ending everything with him. We had been together 8 years and that is what was stopping me. At this same time, I started to get close to this girl at work and actually started to have feelings for her. But, she was in a relationship and I didn't give it much thought. Spending time with all these people made me realize that my bf was not the end of the world for me, and right after the New Year I ended things with him.
A week or two later, the girl from work and a couple of other people went to happy hour. We then ended up at my house after since I lived near the job. Her car was in the shop at the time, so she had to take the train by a certain time. I told her I would drive her home if she didn't make the train. Well we got into socializing and such and it was too late for her train and she lived about 50 mins away so I told her she could stay and I would drive her in the morning. It was winter and the downstairs was cold. So I told her to sleep in my room and after trying the freezing couch, I came back up and asked her if I could just sleep with her in the bed. She said that it was my house and I could do what I want. We ended up talking till like 6 in the morning and then passed out. I woke up sleeping in her arms and she didn't seem to have a problem with it. We talked again until like 4 in the afternoon before she had to leave. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]Nothing sexual happened. Before she had to leave, I asked her if she had an open relationship with her girlfriend. She said if I meant that they share everything or do whatever they want. I said, do whatever you want. She said that if that were the case, she would have already done what she wanted, meaning, we would have done something last night or the morning of. I said OK and didn't think much of it. She left, and I went to meet my parents at a house party. On the way back, I just felt this longing for her, I missed her. I missed talking to her, feeling her next to me, everything. I text her, "I miss you." I don't know why I did that. That Monday, we were back at work and went out to lunch with a co-worker. The co-worker was her boss and they were pretty tight. Without my knowledge, she asked him to borrow his car after we got back from lunch to spend a few minutes with me alone. She again asked him in front of me as we were pulling into the garage. I was in the backseat and when we parked, he got out and left and she got in the backseat with me. She said that over the weekend, her girlfriend had once again asked her for an open relationship. She had always said no, but this time just decided to say yes. Their relationship was on the rocks as it was. I said, OK, so all of a sudden you have an open relationship? She said yes and asked if she could kiss me. So she did and it was nice. I had a weird feeling of her technically cheating on her gf eventhough they had an open relationship now. She said not to worry about that and if this whole thing makes me feel weird then she just won't bother me. I said that I liked her and I wanted to spend time with her. She said she liked me too and that's how it started.
She still didn't have her car, so I started picking her up from the train every morning and we would talk for a bit. We would go out for lunch together, sometimes going back to my house to make out and other things... Once she got her car back, she started coming to my house about 2 hours before we had to go to work in the morning and we would cuddle, make out, have sex etc. She spent a couple of nights at my house and it was awesome. I tried to block out the fact that her life was with this other girl. She would tell me how bad things are with her gf and I would just listen and offer any unbiased advice that I could. I started to really fall for her and eventually really fell in love with her. Listening to her talk about her gf made me want to wait it out. I hated the time when I wasn't with her and I hated that I couldn't have her to be mine. I told her that I would wait for her as long as it took and for her to take her time. I knew she needed time as that is what I needed when I ended my relationship. Everytime I told her that, she would kind of brush it off or change the subject. I later learned that that was because she didn't want to talk to me about things that could or could not happen. For her I was an outlet but I was going through somewhat of a personal hell when I was without her. I started going out with my new friends more when she wasn't around and started drinking rather a lot. I also started my MBA program so I was trying to keep busy. This went on from Februray through June 23rd 2010.
On June 23rd my company had layoffs and she was one of the ones gone. I thought my life was over. I didn't know when I would have opportunities to see her. I thought it was pretty much over. I got to see her a few times in the next few weeks, but was going through hell. Then in late July, she came to my house late one night and told me that her relationship with the other girl was over (they had the final fight). I said OK, does this mean we can be together now? She said she won't go around calling me her gf yet because it's so soon, but she's not looking for anyone else. I was in a bit of shock. We did start spending some more time together, although she got a under the table job working like 12 hours a day and she still had to take care of her household back at home.
Even before her relationship was over, she had decided that she was going to go to a one year training school in Florida, 1000 miles away. She said it was a dream of hers. I hated that she would have to leave so soon now that we can be together, but I loved her so much that I supported her. She spent the next month and half spending time with me and saying bye to her friends. I didn't get to go out with her and her friends and she seemed to be having so much fun reconnecting with them and being without the other girl, who was somewhat of a b**ch. I felt crappy, like I was never gonna have her and she was not going to acknowledge me.
I kept on dealing with it the way I had in the past, although it was a bit harder since there was no routine or given time when I could see her. I drove her down to Florida at the end of September and promised that I would come see her. Luckily flights were cheap and I was able to come every 2-3 weeks. We talked on the phone every morning before school, during the day when I was at work and every night for hours. Our relationship grew and we were falling in love more everyday. I kept on dealing with it by drinking and hanging out with this person from work. Another co-worker of mine and I used to go for walks at lunch time and talk about our problems. Her and a third co-worker who were both older than me, told me to move to Florida since I was so miserable here. I didn't even think about it. What was I gonna do in Florida?
After some careful consideration and planning, I finally made the decision to move to Florida as soon as my Spring 2010 semester ended in April. We signed a lease on an apartment and I started packing up my stuff. I still visited often and found a waitressing job to start in early April. I progressively moved to Florida between late March and end of April 2010. Since we never really lived together, adjusting to the arrangement took some time and is still taking time. But I'm learning to be more flexible and less anal, and she's learning to deal with my quirks. We made a promise that we would always try and never give up on the relationship. We love each other like crazy.
In June I started job in my field which was almost an hour away. It was good because it was salary and benefits, but it was far and I had no one to hang out with, go to lunch with or anything. On top of that, it was in the middle of nowhere, so there was nothing to do. The boss did a couple of things I couldn't tolerate and I started looking for another job. I started getting a bit depressed at the job, but looking for a new one gave me hope. On top of that, I never really did stop the drinking, so that was probably no help.
Our relationship was going well, although I do have some hang ups about the past. She keeps telling me that I can't be angry about something that I accepted in the past. And I'm trying not to be, but those feelings I had when I was all alone and she was still with the other girl, or when she left for Florida, just come back to haunt me from time to time. She gets frustrated with me because she says that all she wants to do is love me and I act like she's gonna pick up and leave at any moment. We both agree that we got together under not so ideal circumstances but it's time to move on. I agree, but the feelings just feel so raw.
Part of the problem is that she has since graduated in September 2010 and is now looking for a job. There are not many opportunities for her in Florida as most jobs are in California with others scattered around elsewhere. Most likely she will have to take whatever comes her way. When she thinks about leaving somewhere for a job, she thinks about the money, the experience, the bills it would help pay off. I know that's important, I know. She says she's thinking about getting the experience to eventually get the position she wants to make us secure. I just feel like I'm gonna be all alone again. I did get a new job and started in September 2010. I need to stay here at least through January 2012, so I can't just pick up and move again. I want to enjoy the time with her, but I just have this feeling that any day now she can be gone. She says that she's doing everything she can to stay with me or close to me, but that I have to understand the situation and that if she does go to Cali or something, that I'm still hers and we'll be together again in due time. I just feel like my life is being put on hold, again. But, I do love her to pieces and would wait a lifetime for her.
This is making me all depressed. On top of that, I don't have many friends here in Florida in the case that she does leave. This scares me. I vowed to stop the drinking because it's not really helping anymore. I want to start going to the gym again, but am just so unmotivated. I'm not motivated for work or school either. I just feel like I'm surviving day to day and she hasn't even left yet. The only times when I don't feel like this, is either when I get home from work and we spend time together or the weekends.
Also, my parents don't really approve of the relationship. Not sure if it's because she's a girl or because of her race as has been indicated to me. My mother says that she's too different from us. So I've been somewhat estranged from my family also. I don't know what my problem is. Usually, I just dedicate my life to the gym and eventually get out of these ruts, but this time around I can't be motivated for anything.
Yea, I read it all. You need to be more selfish and only think about improving your own quality of life.
That girl was only using you while she was going through some hard times with her other lover. She does not care about you, otherwise she would not have left you to go Florida. You then (like an idiot) followed behind her like a little puppy and messed up your own life (loss good job).
GO back to the drawing board kate. Sit down with yourself and PLAN your life at least 15 years out then stick to the goals to get there.
Cunucu, I am trying to get back on track with exercise. I'm looking into a gym nearby that has spinning classes early morning and afterwork. I want to get back to that.
Kiwi, I have been to a therapist before. I'm considering going again, but I'm not sure it really helped me last time. I feel like I need a good friend more than a professional.
PJ8, I thought about volunteering, I'll look into it some more. And yes, I do seem to be clining on to her for dear life. I'm not sure why. No amount of time that I spend with her is enough. I guess it stems from having to share her time before and so every minute is precious to me as at any moment she might not be there.
Medzezinger, my ED is under control, but I know how I can get obsessed about the food and the exercise again. I know my signs and I try to catch it before it gets too extreme. Being with her has actually helped me as she showed me some sort of freedom that I never felt before. I no longer want to come home and stuff my face or spend 3 hours at the gym everyday. That's not my life anymore.
CaliCali01, thank you for reading. I disagree that she doesn't care about me. That would mean that everything she says and does is a lie. The time before was rough, and I understand that she used me as an outlet in the beginning, but we both didn't expect to fall in love like we did. The idea was that it would be temporary, but things got serious fast and we couldn't let go of each other. She left to Florida partially to escape her life in CT. She had a lot of responsiblity with her mother and other things and she felt that getting away from it all would give her the chance to do something she wanted. At the same time, with all those influences it would have been difficult for us to build our life together. I don't think I was a complete idiot as you say for moving. Granted it was a risky move looking back, but there was not much for me in CT anymore. I actually have a better job with more money here in Florida. She has no intentions to move back up to that area any time soon.
In the end I know we will be together. I don't mind moving again once I do enough time at my current job. I've moved over and over in my life and I'm not attached to any one place. Once she gets a stable opportunity for long term, I'll be there with her. We don't have enormous bills or anything so if she gets THE opportunity she just wants me to go with her (if I want to of course). She wants me to go to school full-time to finish my degree in that case (if it's what I want to do). I know our paths aren't exactly intertwined right now, but is it not possible that eventually we'll come to rest in the same place?
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