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Normally I wouldn't be one to post something like THIS online, but the people in this particular forum seem to have their heads on pretty straight.. so, here goes-
My mom and stepdad have been together for ~12 years or so, at least since I was eight. They have two kids together (my little sisters Tatia (8) and Kayli (7). During the first few years they had relatively few arguments and seemed to be quite happy. She then had my little sisters pretty much consecutively (got pregnant with Kayli about two months after she had Tatia). After this it seemed like she had changed A LOT, and perhaps for the worse? During high school there would be arguments every weekend over nothing, and then bad blood for a few days again before it started. She had once or twice mentioned that she was "waiting till I got out of high school" which I took as "I am waiting to get a divorce till you are gone". It seems my interpretation was correct.
Now it's about three and a half years since I graduated and I went home to visit over Christmas- there were arguments galore to the point of her threatening divorce to his face. He was trying to keep her from doing it during the argument, partially because me and my little sisters and cousin were home (he's 15) and I think partially because he believes it can be saved. She seems so unhappy over nothing that she seems ready to get a divorce over it.
Any opinions on this? Brief rundown- Mom was cool, mom met someone good, got married, had kids a few years later..total personality change, and now this.
I feel bad for my stepdad because she does this and he does the best he can to provide and make sure my little sisters have the support they need- moved to get a better job, bought a house with a big yard, paid for two cars, etc. and I don't really know what to do since I don't live at home anymore.
There isn't much you can do because you won't be taken seriously. This doesn't sound like saber rattling to me. Much more serious than that. You can't fix this and since you don't live there, you don't have the whole picture.
All you can do is be kind and supportive to everyone and let them work on their own troubles. Perhaps you could offer to take your step sisters for a weekend every now and then but that's about it.
Mom needs a break it sounds like the pressure of all is weighing on her.
But part of the problem is I simply cannot understand what she needs a break FROM- I understand that kids can cause stress (but at least I'm not there anymore..lol) but for four years all she did after work was come home, lay on the couch til midnight or so, and then go to bed..with bouts of shouting, very light cleaning, or light cooking in between. She works at a daycare center all day (which is at least better than nothing) and worked as a social worker for a bit- it seems to me like the jobs she chose and continues to choose are causing her more stress than anything my sisters or stepdad can do.
I've always figured that it was a lack of fistfuls of spare cash and that she doesn't really have many friends (and no friends in the area, though she does go shopping with my grandma and stuff.) but what do I know, I'm just a college kid.. She doesn't pay for my education, car, or any of my bills-it's taken care of by someone else.
As far as taking care of the little sisters (they are blood, not step) I can't really do that as I go to school in another state.
She actually explained this all to me over break while I was visiting and while I love her I cannot really support this decision if she makes it-she'd be giving up a good thing so that she can "take my little sisters and maybe get a two-bedroom apartment somewhere in town". They'd be away from their friends, even if it's the same town, and I am afraid that it simply wouldn't be as stable as the current environment is (or was..)
But part of the problem is I simply cannot understand what she needs a break FROM- I understand that kids can cause stress (but at least I'm not there anymore..lol) but for four years all she did after work was come home, lay on the couch til midnight or so, and then go to bed..with bouts of shouting, very light cleaning, or light cooking in between. She works at a daycare center all day (which is at least better than nothing) and worked as a social worker for a bit- it seems to me like the jobs she chose and continues to choose are causing her more stress than anything my sisters or stepdad can do.
I've always figured that it was a lack of fistfuls of spare cash and that she doesn't really have many friends (and no friends in the area, though she does go shopping with my grandma and stuff.) but what do I know, I'm just a college kid.. She doesn't pay for my education, car, or any of my bills-it's taken care of by someone else.
As far as taking care of the little sisters (they are blood, not step) I can't really do that as I go to school in another state.
She actually explained this all to me over break while I was visiting and while I love her I cannot really support this decision if she makes it-she'd be giving up a good thing so that she can "take my little sisters and maybe get a two-bedroom apartment somewhere in town". They'd be away from their friends, even if it's the same town, and I am afraid that it simply wouldn't be as stable as the current environment is (or was..)
I think for Valentines Day or her birthday someone needs to give her a Spa day or Spa Weekend.
I think for Valentines Day or her birthday someone needs to give her a Spa day or Spa Weekend.
Your mom sounds really stressed out to me.
I would agree with this, perhaps Mother's Day I'll get her a gift card or something. I'm just worried that any initiative she takes to "reduce stress" on her own will result in speeding up the divorce process..
and like I said, she sounds stressed out to me as well but I simply cannot figure out WHY. I think it's her job more than home life...because home is SO awful
I would agree with this, perhaps Mother's Day I'll get her a gift card or something. I'm just worried that any initiative she takes to "reduce stress" on her own will result in speeding up the divorce process..
and like I said, she sounds stressed out to me as well but I simply cannot figure out WHY. I think it's her job more than home life...because home is SO awful
Also, maybe it's time for a couple's getaway so they can rekindle and refresh their relationship.
Either way, Mom isn't happy maybe she hasn't discovered what's causing her so much discomfort.
I'm not sure about the getaways and Valentines Day cards. It seems to me like your mom has reached her limit. It seems like nothing in life gives her pleasure anymore...not job, not husband, not family. She might be depressed and her way of reaching out is getting mad and yelling. You can't help her but your stepdad could. Maybe you should talk to him and get her someone to talk to. Sometimes someone elses life looks perfect, but the reality is the furtherst thing from that.
Wow, so much of your story reflects to my own childhood... Only difference being that there weren't other kids involved. My mother had myself and my brother and my step-father brought two kids of about the same age into the marriage.....
My mother left my father because he wasn't "exciting enough" and life got "boring".... My stepfather offered more money and more travel and such, but at some point my mother decided she didn't "love" him.... Eh, needless to say when the time came where the kids were all pretty much ready to leave the house and go off to college, mother started getting the jitters and actually divorced my stepfather before my senior year of high school...... To this day (20 years later) she STILL can't find happiness....
This thread is about you, I'm just telling my story as it relates. Some people just cannot be happy in a long term relationship. They find reasons to run away. I'm not certain your mother is one of these people, but she's sounding eerily familiar to me.....
Some would rather make the other feel responsible so they don't have to carry the guilt themselves. Picking fights to make excuses to walk is a good example. But they shouldn't feel guilty or be guilted for what they cannot control. Sometimes, the love just fades.
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She doesn't pay for my education, car, or any of my bills-it's taken care of by someone else.
