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I am sorry this is so long, but we have been dealing with it for a YEAR and I'm going nuts.
My fiance and I live with his parents. They welcomed us into their home freely and expressed joy at having us, and they needed the help because his dad had just had a coronary stent and was in bad shape. His eating habits needed to change and they needed a lot of help while he was in and out of the hospital. At first, things were great. We took to a new food regimen, took turns cooking healthy meals...we always ate dinner together...etc. In short, we had that whole charming "one big happy family" thing. We took care of each other.
About a year ago, his mom became involved with the virtual reality world called Second Life, and it quickly spiraled out of control. She became addicted to the game, to the point where she literally does not leave the house. She has given up on weight watchers completely. She sits in her recliner fifteen to eighteen hours a day with her eyes glued to the computer. She wears a headset and is almost always on voice chat with her "friends", sometimes well into the wee hours. She is very loud, laughing and enjoying herself, meanwhile asking us to keep the TV down and keep our voices down because she can't hear her friends, but keeps us up at night with her loud conversations, as she is right on the other side of our bedroom wall and never goes to bed.
She does not like to be interrupted with conversations or questions and does not join us at the dinner table anymore, but instead asks that her husband or my fiance cut up her food into bite size pieces and serve it to her in her chair so that she may eat at the computer. This goes for breakfast and lunch, as well as snacks. We dread going into the kitchen for fear of being asked to prepare a meal or snack for her...even after having worked all day.
She literally made us wait for over 30 minutes, and asked us to be quiet during that time, to light her own son's birthday candles so she could finish a conversation about her virtual decorations and such.
As for her poor husband, he is so irritated with preparing her every meal and snack, and being asked to be quiet because she is on voice chat, that he has begun to withdraw also. He stays at his computer all day as well, wearing TV Ears, and other than preparing her meals, doesn't do much. It has gotten to the point where my fiance and I prepare dinner four or five nights a week, unless he works night shift. We put away all the food and clean up the mess because if we don't, no one else will. The two of them use dishes all day long and do not clean up after themselves, making it necessary for us to clean the kitchen before making dinner, AND after.
We have seen what happens when we revolt. Trash and dishes will literally pile up to the point where it is disgusting.
We pay them five hundred dollars a month rent and are almost babysitting them.
This is all very stressful for me, as I am pregnant and find myself not only making breakfast for my fiance and doing our laundry, but also trying to clean up the place during the day, and being asked to get coffee or a snack for mom when I venture into the kitchen.
I have complained to my fiance, and we have very gingerly broached the subject with his mom, being met only with defensiveness and excuses. She claims the game is important to her and is her only form of entertainment. But it is beginning to be at the expense of her family and we are starting to resent her.
Both of his parents have expressed desire for us to stay, especially now that we are giving them a grandchild, and when we talk about moving they express that they would miss us dearly, but we seem to have become more of a chef/maid service and a convenient source of income than a joy to be around. I can't see her acting any different when our baby is born if she can't be bothered to celebrate our birthdays already.
I feel uncomfortable saying or doing anything about it because I am not a blood relative and it is their house, and I don't want to make waves.
But we have another year here until we move back to Florida, which we haven't even mentioned to his mother yet for fear that she will get very upset.
Recently we have started cleaning up OUR messes, washing only OUR dishes, and neatly piling all of their dishes and mess on one little area of the kitchen counter. It will usually stay there about a week, sometimes longer, and then his dad will break down and wash the dishes, but even that feels cruel because we know that his own wife won't lift a finger to help.
Should we say something? Do we have the right to say something? Will it only cause problems? Should we continue just cleaning our own messes and let them deal with their own? Please help!
WOW ! That is a lot to deal with.. I'm sorry! I almost wonder if you shouldnt print out this post and give it to her and her husband, tell them things need to change as this isnt a healthy environment for anyone. It will be difficult to wean her from the game but maybe she needs a reality check.. something like a intervention? Is there anyone outside the household that is close to the family that can be brought in to mediate or something??
WOW ! That is a lot to deal with.. I'm sorry! I almost wonder if you shouldn't print out this post and give it to her and her husband, tell them things need to change as this isnt a healthy environment for anyone. It will be difficult to wean her from the game but maybe she needs a reality check.. something like a intervention? Is there anyone outside the household that is close to the family that can be brought in to mediate or something??
You know after discussing this with my mother she suggested something similar...writing a letter and giving this to her.
But after the reaction we got when we brought it up several months ago, I think my fiance and I are terrified of saying anything more.
When we brought it up the first time, we mentioned that it was a little unfair to be so loud late into the night when some of us have to work in the morning.
She gave us this guilt trip about how her friend has cancer and is terminal and she needs someone to talk to a lot. What do you say to that? Oh well?
Then she flat out denied having been up that late most other nights...literally, "No, I was in bed by one a.m. all week this week, there's no way I kept you up after three a.m.".
As for other family members, she literally hides this from them. A whole group of family came for Memorial Day, and every time they were in the house or over for dinner, she would stay away from the game, talk to them, etc. Then when they went back to the hotel, back on the game she went.
Half of the problem is her own husband won't even say anything, so if we intervene, are we going to look like total jerks?
Is there any possible way to move out? I don't think you can ever really get a person to change unless THEY want to, and it doesn't sound like either are willing to change or even address issues between themselves.
A common tatic in dysfunctional relationships is to find a buffer and adult children are often it. Sounds like Mom is self-medicating on food & virtual friends and Dad is aiding & abetting!
Do some Google searches on "Second Life Addiction" or "Addiction to Second Life." Look at articles like this one and pay special attention to the comments... people telling their stories of addiction experienced by them or their family members.
I've been a game fan since I first sat down at our Pong console and made the little ball bounce back and forth. I've been working as a programmer/web administrator for the gaming industry for years. Never once in all my time with video games have I even come close to experiencing an "addiction" to them - I've never foregone real life interactions in favor of a game, never let my house deteriorate, dishes pile up, diet change, relationships deteriorate, etc.
But SL? Yeah, trying that out a few years ago got me as close to "addict" status as I ever got. Fortunately, my attraction to it quickly fizzled... I still use it, about twice a month, to hang out with a group of "real life" friends who are now spread out across the US & Canada... the avatars and the "home" we have are a nice way to get together as a group and catch up on things.
But after seeing how enticing that particular virtual environment can be, when my boss suggested we might use SL as a virtual meeting space for our employees who telecommute, I shot the idea down fast. I don't need my employees to get sucked into something like SL and have their work productivity crash.
I don't know what it is about SL... honestly, if I could figure it out, the profit-margin concerned side of me would be wanting to bottle it up and using it in my own games. I like to think my moral side is stronger and would say "hell no, I won't participate in doing that to people."
Here in the US, all of our lottery games and casinos and such are compelled by law to provide information about getting help with gambling addictions. Some days, especially when I've had to spend 10+ hours working with a player (or their family) to deal with the fallout of them having spent their rent on game items/subscriptions/etc. I start thinking that the government needs to compel similar warnings within the gaming industry. Of course then my "keep government out of our lives" side takes over and says that's a bad idea, too. *chuckling*
But it all boils down to this: this woman is addicted. That isn't even a question. She needs to be handled like any addict. This isn't any different than if she were addicted to drugs, alcohol, gambling, shopping, etc. If anything, it's actually worse - the chemical effects created in the human body through the kind of stimulation a virtual world like SL provides, along with the ability to shop endlessly (as long as you have Lindens), the social interactions, the fantasy element... it's like taking all the major addictions (physical and mental) and rolling them up into one, big, dangerous ball.
She cannot admit to the addiction... to do so would be to deprive herself of all those wonderful floods of soothing chemicals her brain is producing in response to her activities there.
Do some research into how to do an intervention with an addict. You may even want to consult an addiction specialist.
Most people can look at something like Second Life and think "'meh... what's the big deal?" and they can take it or leave it. But there are a whole bunch of people who can't do that... who, for whatever reason, are susceptible to its lure. To most of us, it's "just a game." To her, it is as compelling and desirable as the next drink is to an alcoholic, or the next dose to a drug addict. Treat her, and it, as such.
you really need to move out. even if you have to rent a room, get out. if she wants to live like that let her. it is her life and you are only exposed to it because you are there. so they will "miss you" big deal. that place is not healthy for your new baby or any good for your relationship. get out asap. good luck
Of course they will miss you. Who will wash the dishes, clean the bathroom, make the meals, cut it into bite sized pieces, etc.? GET OUT.
You will soon have a child - do you want your child to deal with that situation? Loud talking at all hours of the night? Babies don't sleep long periods of time - you'll be looking at needing to sleep 2-4 hours at a stretch - but you need to sleep then - not when your MIL decides to shut up.
Additionally, a baby puts a strain on every marriage - especially a first baby. So do yourselves a favor - get out ASAP. Even a studio apt would be better than what you are dealing with right now. You are paying to provide maid/chef/cleaning services to people who do not even want to help themselves. If your FIL has no reason to stand up to her and make her do what she needs to do, he will continue to rely upon you. Imagine now that you have your new baby and 2 additional babies in the form of your in-laws.
Of course they will miss you. Who will wash the dishes, clean the bathroom, make the meals, cut it into bite sized pieces, etc.? GET OUT.
You will soon have a child - do you want your child to deal with that situation? Loud talking at all hours of the night? Babies don't sleep long periods of time - you'll be looking at needing to sleep 2-4 hours at a stretch - but you need to sleep then - not when your MIL decides to shut up.
Additionally, a baby puts a strain on every marriage - especially a first baby. So do yourselves a favor - get out ASAP. Even a studio apt would be better than what you are dealing with right now. You are paying to provide maid/chef/cleaning services to people who do not even want to help themselves. If your FIL has no reason to stand up to her and make her do what she needs to do, he will continue to rely upon you. Imagine now that you have your new baby and 2 additional babies in the form of your in-laws.
GO - anywhere - just go.
I agree. I see that you are in Albuquerque; I just looked at Craigslist for your area and see lots of 1BR apartments for around $500. You would be much better off in a little place of your own, especially once the baby is here.
Your future MIL sounds like a lonely person. She wants to be surrounded by loved ones (husband, son, you and future grandchild) and has substituted a real social life with this online game. I take it she doesn't have all that many friends? Could be that she's been lonely for so many years and this Second Life world she's caught up in has now become her only outlet and source of friendship and stimulation. Not sure what it's going to take to snap her out of this, but I don't think you'll be able to do or say anything to change this situation short of moving out. She's addicted to this Second Life like a drug, and like any other addict, they have to come to terms and admit they have a problem before they can help themselves.
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