Given how society is today, why the big deal about 'cheating?' (men, single)

[malamute]

Originally Posted by hindsight2020

Haha, reading comprehension anyone? Speaking of poliamory (and/or multiple sexual partners in a committed relationship, let's not get hung up on nomenclature here for the sake of the discussion shall we?) and also of my failed relationship in the same post neither establishes a causal relationship nor implies I was a swinger in my failed marriage. These were two separate assertions.

That means, no, we weren't swingers, I was just making a statement about swinging in the context of establishing that, for me, cheating is more about a [lack of] demonstration of trust in more important life topics, than it is about feelings of sexual inadequacy or jealousy.

But since the thought of swinging seems to freak you out, I'll restate that, no, I don't find anything wrong with multi-partner recreational sex in a committed relationship. I don't find that practice necessarily hazardous, though I recognize the majority of people are simply not in strong enough relationships or sexually mature enough to be able to carry through such practice without becoming jealous or unstable.

Likewise I don't think most people can de-couple the recreational nature of sex in modern society, even though they implicitly do it every day by CHEATING. Such hypocrisy. Cheating fulfills the same carnal release but poliamory is deviancy? You dang skippy is about control. Sharing recreational sex in a controlled environment is likely to not threaten my economic security or the emotional support I gain from my committed partner, the way cheating does. Your example of a swinging couple where one partner is being disloyal does not in any way represent that the construct of poliamory is endemically disloyal. That's like me saying that ALL marriages are marriages of convenience. I think most are, but even I cannot assert that ALL of them are.

All that said, I also don't consider it [poliamory] a pre-requisite in order to be sexually happy with someone. I personally believe I can be sexually happy with someone willing to provide me the frequency and style of sex I crave, without having to resort to multiple partners. Then again my partner may need multiple partners either as a function of sexual curiosity or as an endemic need for that sexual construct. There's a ton of variables to this equation, and every couple will be different. Which is why I believe in to each their own, you know?

That said, I'm not gonna live sexually unhappy with someone who isn't able to sexually provide for me to those standards, again, like a lot of people do and then end up cheating; see a pattern?

We're poo-flinging monkeys I tell you, we whine because people lie to us but then we freak out and cover our ears when people threaten to be blunt and honest about the things they lie to us about in the first place, because it upsets our sensitivities. We don't REALLY wanna hear it. Meh, chit or get off the pot.

I'm not at all freaked out by swingers. I just don't get how having sex with others is fine one instant but not the next. If more than one sexual partner is needed, then how can the other spouse say when it's needed?

Is it only fine for her to have other sex partners the husband picks for her? She can't find them on her own? What exactly breaks the trust?

[Vizualizax90]

Originally Posted by LadyKLO

What's the big deal about cheating?

Ask someone who has contracted AIDS from their spouse.... (I know of a couple this happened to)
Someone who's spouse fathered a child outside of their union (happened to people I know personally)
The betrayal and trust etc....

Cheating is a huge deal and as a woman, personally, I will not tolerate it. If I am able to keep my marital vows and legs closed to other men, then I am being committed and faithful. I fully expect the same thing from a spouse. If he cannot do that, there is no point of getting married or being in an exclusive relationship. I don't share...

You can contract AIDS even when you don't cheat and you're single. All of you against cheating/open relationships will quickly say "if you want to have casual sex or cheat be single!" But that is a way to get AIDS too. I could ask a woman out on a first date and for all I know she could have an STD she's not telling me about so don't make it seem like only cheater can get AIDS.

And "I don't share"? I didn't know we can share people. Sharing applies to objects. If I have a best friend and he/she wants to hang out with someone else am I gonna be all "hey that's my best friend! I don't share!". You're gonna tell me I bet "that's not the same, in marriage you take vows". But that's the thing, when you're dating somebody and you're just boyfriend/girlfriend there are no vows. So cheating at that stagge isn't wrong,because you never agreed on paper or anything to not do it.

Its only a big deal if you make it to be. I know a wife or girlfriend would be attracted to other men, if she wanted to hook up, I would not care one bit as long as protection is involved. You can still love eachother afterwards.

[TabulaRasa]

Poo-flinging monkeys whine when people lie to them?

[dreamofmonterey]

Originally Posted by MattB4

Good grief! Doesn't anyone understand contracts and why they are necessary for a civil society? If you have a contract with another person to be faithful than cheating is breaking the contract. This does not have anything to do with "feelings" being hurt (worry about feelings shows empathy with the person you might hurt through being a oath violator). It has to do with Honor and respect. If you are a breaker of contracts why should anyone enter into any contract with you? You have no honor, no means of being trusted.

Do not pledge to do something that you are unwilling to do.

well, hindsight is 20/20. How would you know if your ex is going to be an idiot, or cheat?. According to the ex, he didnt mean for it to happen...but when the shoe was on the other foot, all of a sudden I was the evil queen lol.....

If a contract ages, its hard to enforce...esp. in a relationship- you are tallking about human beings with needs, its not just a contract. And, therein I believe is the problem with marriage as a "legal contract".

FWIW I have known men and friends in certain states whose lives would be ruined by divorce bcs of their high salaries, so they stick it out and cheat. Id never want to be a divorce lawyer. Its a nasty business.

Cheating and divorce are subjective, everyone has different problems in marriage/or a relationship.

[swgurl10]

Listen, as a woman, I don't tolerate cheating, if you can't stay faithful to me and keep it in your pants, then why am I with you.....as other people have said on this thread, when the person i'm with cheats on me, he is putting me at risk, and I won't have that. If you don't want to be faithful to me, then don't be with me....its as simple as that....Cheating is a type of lying, and I can't stand people who lie to me and break my trust....just my .02 cents.

[MattB4]

Originally Posted by dreamofmonterey

well, hindsight is 20/20. How would you know if your ex is going to be an idiot, or cheat?. According to the ex, he didnt mean for it to happen...but when the shoe was on the other foot, all of a sudden I was the evil queen lol.....

If a contract ages, its hard to enforce...esp. in a relationship- you are tallking about human beings with needs, its not just a contract. And, therein I believe is the problem with marriage as a "legal contract".

FWIW I have known men and friends in certain states whose lives would be ruined by divorce bcs of their high salaries, so they stick it out and cheat. Id never want to be a divorce lawyer. Its a nasty business.

Cheating and divorce are subjective, everyone has different problems in marriage/or a relationship.

No, neither are subjective. Reasons for doing so can be subjective but the acts are what they are. If your marriage is screwed up to the point that you can not be faithful, end the marriage. Your finances may be ruined but that is a price you pay to break the contract. Guess what? Life is not without consequences. Now on whether the contract should be a till death do you part that is another argument all together.

Having excuses for doing what pleased you to do is very human. But it is a excuse and not a straight forward addressing the situation. You can rationalize it in any manner that you want but it does not change the basics.

[Ren0045]

Unfortunately, most guys are only as faithful as their options.

[VegasMJ]

Originally Posted by Ren0045

Unfortunately, most guys are only as faithful as their options.

Yessir.

[cpg35223]

Originally Posted by Trimac20

I always thought that was a stupid word, 'cheating.' Once upon a time it implied adultery, because you were only supposed to have sex with your spouse, but since now far more relationships are between unmarried couples, it just means having sex outside the relationship. Now I understand wanting to be loyal and keeping yourself only for that person, but I also find of weirdly outdated that people make a huge fuss over cheating when people have an average of many partners during their lifetimes. Few men care about being with a virgin anymore, yet it's not so much of a problem if they've had many partners in the past? Or that they will have other partners in the future? I'm not the jealous type, and in the absence of any sort of moral law we all might as well be swingers. Since that's what evolutionary biologists/anthropologists tell us, that we're not really supposed to even be monogomous. Perhaps we're in a transitional phase?

Yes I know it can be hurtful to be cheated on/hurt somebody, but seriously, people STILL act like sex is so sacramental even when marriage isn't the sacred preserve of sex. Women in particular seem to have no to zero tolerance fo cheating; I just don't see why it's such a HUGE deal, if the r/ship is temporary as well. By this I don't mean for them to not care at all, sure they should be upset if both parties have agreed the r/ship is exclusive, but I mean, if it was only an error of judgement is it really like unforgivable? Sure you can find someone who might not cheat, but it's not the only criteria. I still don't get the mindset between stoning for adultery etc. While we don't stone anymore, that mindset is still there.

Translation: I want to be in a committed relationship, but I still want to bang other people. So I'm going to rail at people who take the term "committed" relationship at face value.

Here's the thing. Mutual trust is the most important thing in any relationship. Period. End of story. So if you really feel this way about monogamy, then tell your prospective SO your views at the beginning of the relationship, so she can at least know what she's dealing with. But getting into a committed relationship and then sneaking around is indeed cheating, because what you've done is violated the assumed ground rules of a relationship, namely that you are indeed committed to one another.

[TabulaRasa]

Originally Posted by Ren0045

Unfortunately, most guys are only as faithful as their options.

And guys who feel that way needn't go through the the charade of faux commitment. Easy-peasy, right? Why act like you're going to be monogamous if you know you're gonna play the field?