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I talked to her the other day, I had to arrange for her to come and get some of her things out of my house. She came over while I was home and we sort of discussed a few things, I felt like there were some lose ends that needed to be tied up. Date someone for 4 years and it's difficult saying goodbye.
This past week I've done some serious re-examining of my priorities, my lifestyle, what I need to do. I know this sounds terrible but to get my mind off the unpleasant break-up, I've been throwing myself into my work. I've been so swamped at work lately with new projects, finishing other projects, meetings, etc that it has forced me to concentrate on getting these things done.
Last night when she came over, it was difficult yet I wanted to see her. We both apologized about our fight, she told me that she is living with her girlfriend in an apartment and was sorry about how things ended. I told her I said things I shouldn't have. She is coming back tonight because she forgot a couple things she didn't grab yesterday- not sure if this was on purpose or an accident. I can't exactly say I'm not happy that she's coming back over again, I want to see her.
My heart is telling me to attempt to mend things up, my gut is telling me to stay away and move on. What do you listen to?
I keep thinking that after our blowout, she understands where I'm coming from about money. If I try to work things out with her, will it be different? If I lay down ground rules about her helping out with living expenses, will it change her spending habits? Can you teach an old dog new tricks?
I want to work things out because I hate throwing away 4 years of my life for no reason. I was...STILL AM...in love with her, I hate not having her next to me when I go to bed at night.
While she may be considered a "trophy wife", she isn't any bimbo. She's charming, funny, very caring, extremely compassionate. She's not some idiot who is simply eye candy, she's someone who I can carry on a conversation with about politics, the world, etc. I feel like a sap saying all these things but...I guess it's the truth.
If I say tonight that I want to work things out, is that the right move? I know I have to change my mindset as well- it's a two-way street. I've ALWAYS been very...demanding, meticulous, and sometimes downright nasty when it comes to money. It's taken me many years to become fairly successful (although I have quite a ways to go), I don't want to lose what I've worked so hard for all these years. Before I met her, I'd work 70-80 hours a week trying to out-do, out-perform everyone else to work my way up and I did somewhat. After meeting her, she showed me that working all the time wasn't healthy so I scaled back and she's made me a better person for it. I feel like I'm reverting back to my old ways without her- throwing myself into work to give me a sense of fulfillment. Not good, I know.
So I guess tonight there is a fork in the road- do I ask her to work things out and move back in? Or do I say goodbye once and for all?
And I hate drama, I hate soap operas, I hate anything overly dramatic. I've worked my best to avoid dramatic situations but I'm right in the middle of one. Thankfully my life really isn't this interesting 99% of the time!
What would you do? What should I do?
All advice is taken with a grain of salt, just be forewarned.
As I said in your other thread, my advice is: don't be tempted to reconcile. Trust your gut on this one.
If you don't listen to your gut, then use your head (the one on your shoulders) and figure out how to create limits and boundaries that will prevent the kinds of issues you had that led to this breakup. She needs to pull her own weight financially, to the extent she's able, and you need to stop enabling her to take advantage. If you can do that, and it works, and you are compatible in most other ways, you may have a shot at it. But don't rush into it, and give it time to be sure it can work with new boundaries.
If it caused this much emotional turmoil, it's not worth it. Don't get back together with her. You need someone who won't cause you so much emotional torture.
If you truly love her as much as you mentioned in your original post above, *and* she is genuinely willing to adapt and be more understanding of the concerns that lead to the earlier argument, by all means, reconcile with her, tell her you still love her more than anything else in the world, and take her back into your arms
(However, at the same time..if she is not willing to be more flexible about your issues, perhaps it would be best just to let things go, with her...but I truly hope though, that everything ends up happily for you )
Last edited by Phoenix2017; 06-03-2011 at 10:26 AM..
Reason: Corrections
There is some reason you've been together for 4 years. I'm sure this sudden issue over money didn't come out of the blue. You have to be willing to accept her for who she has been all along (because I doubt she will change) or let her go.
At the end of the day are you a better person for having her in your life? Only you can truly answer that question.
Last edited by seeniorita; 06-03-2011 at 10:41 AM..
Reason: spelling
I'm a firm believer in certain interpretations of this quote. The argument is going to come back as a bigger blowup down the road. You both will be more accommodating of each others' needs until it comes time to show your true colors, which is when all that pent up frustration is going to let itself out. Then you will go through the same old thing again. Just my opinion of course.
I talked to her the other day, I had to arrange for her to come and get some of her things out of my house. She came over while I was home and we sort of discussed a few things, I felt like there were some lose ends that needed to be tied up. Date someone for 4 years and it's difficult saying goodbye.
This past week I've done some serious re-examining of my priorities, my lifestyle, what I need to do. I know this sounds terrible but to get my mind off the unpleasant break-up, I've been throwing myself into my work. I've been so swamped at work lately with new projects, finishing other projects, meetings, etc that it has forced me to concentrate on getting these things done.
Last night when she came over, it was difficult yet I wanted to see her. We both apologized about our fight, she told me that she is living with her girlfriend in an apartment and was sorry about how things ended. I told her I said things I shouldn't have. She is coming back tonight because she forgot a couple things she didn't grab yesterday- not sure if this was on purpose or an accident. I can't exactly say I'm not happy that she's coming back over again, I want to see her.
My heart is telling me to attempt to mend things up, my gut is telling me to stay away and move on. What do you listen to?
I keep thinking that after our blowout, she understands where I'm coming from about money. If I try to work things out with her, will it be different? If I lay down ground rules about her helping out with living expenses, will it change her spending habits? Can you teach an old dog new tricks?
I want to work things out because I hate throwing away 4 years of my life for no reason. I was...STILL AM...in love with her, I hate not having her next to me when I go to bed at night.
While she may be considered a "trophy wife", she isn't any bimbo. She's charming, funny, very caring, extremely compassionate. She's not some idiot who is simply eye candy, she's someone who I can carry on a conversation with about politics, the world, etc. I feel like a sap saying all these things but...I guess it's the truth.
If I say tonight that I want to work things out, is that the right move? I know I have to change my mindset as well- it's a two-way street. I've ALWAYS been very...demanding, meticulous, and sometimes downright nasty when it comes to money. It's taken me many years to become fairly successful (although I have quite a ways to go), I don't want to lose what I've worked so hard for all these years. Before I met her, I'd work 70-80 hours a week trying to out-do, out-perform everyone else to work my way up and I did somewhat. After meeting her, she showed me that working all the time wasn't healthy so I scaled back and she's made me a better person for it. I feel like I'm reverting back to my old ways without her- throwing myself into work to give me a sense of fulfillment. Not good, I know.
So I guess tonight there is a fork in the road- do I ask her to work things out and move back in? Or do I say goodbye once and for all?
And I hate drama, I hate soap operas, I hate anything overly dramatic. I've worked my best to avoid dramatic situations but I'm right in the middle of one. Thankfully my life really isn't this interesting 99% of the time!
What would you do? What should I do?
All advice is taken with a grain of salt, just be forewarned.
Do you really think she is going to change? when she hasn't done it in 4 years??
Lots of women work and have all the qualities she has.
Of course she is coming back..do you think she can afford her ridicules spending habit living with her friend
I do have to say she is no dummy
Its seems like you are
Sorry to be so blunt.
In all honesty (and I read your past posts), it doesn't seem like the chances are good that a reconciliation would work out in the long term. Not only are you two very different people, but neither of you seem very willing to bend for the other. I see issues on both sides of this, and in order for a relationship to work out, both of you would have to examine your side in it and be willing to change. If only one person is willing to do that, it would never work.
She sounds too contented to use you. While I don't think she should pay as much as you (if she earns only 25% of your salary), she should be paying a percentage of the bills while you are dating and living together. It should not be a free ride for her. The fact that she would pay nothing towards living expenses and then go out and buy an $800 purse is not impressive to me. If she doesn't see a problem in that... well, that's a problem in itself.
You do sound controlling in some ways. I don't say that to hurt you, merely because I see evidence of it in many of your posts. The truth is, if you are a man who makes a high wage, much of the female population is going to earn less than you, many significantly less. It may come down to you wanting to be in control and having lots of "stuff" and prestige at work versus you finding someone to share your life with. My mom doesn't work. Even after us kids are LONG grown and out of the house, she still never has. My dad always has. It works for them. She adds joy to his life that he never would have gotten alone, a softness and comfort in a nice home and someone who loves you waiting for you at the end of the day. Had he not married her, he might have had more money to squirrel away in the bank, but he wouldn't have had a loving wife, great kids (ha ha), someone to decorate the house and celebrate holidays with, the full experience of being a husband and father and family member, not just a lonely bachelor who came home to read the newspaper alone every night.
My point in sharing this is that there is value in more than just material things. It still doesn't excuse some of her behaviors that I consider "moochy" but I think you have some growth potential in this too. If you want someone in your life, then it shouldn't be "your" house or "your" cars. You're either partners or you aren't.
The first question is, do you get the feeling that she would be open to reconciliation?
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