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WOW. Thank you!!! I am completely brand new here...I searched for a forum, registered and started typing. I'm all cried out on top of all of it. So Thanks again for your help!!
Your fiance wants you to break ties with this man b/c he senses or knows something more about him then you do. Men don't get into he said, she said conversations. It sounds to me like you have a great guy there, however, your expectations of him are way to high. Meaning this....
What we all do, is play out a scene of how we think life and marriage should be. It's all we know, it's our identities...however, in lieu of that, we have to understand, that not everyone else is going to think and feel like we do, according to the way they were raised to think and feel.
I will never marry again, b/c I don't EVER want to live someone else's idea of how my life should be...and that is what your doing. Also, you spoke of the arguments you have over little things, which is exactly what most problems are, "little things" which we make up to be huge things that really mean nothing.
It sounds to me, that your living this fairy tail dream in your mind of how this man should be, and he can't be that way, it is not him. And without realizing it, your actually demanding he live up to your expectations of how he should be and it's driving him crazy.
I'm not saying he is right and your wrong...or visa versa and it seems to me, like more then anything else your looking for someone to tell you, your right and he's wrong. Well, I can't, b/c in this situation...1st., relationships constantly change, evolve, they never stay the same....as it was when you were first hot and heavy lovers...there are pressures now added to the mix which certainly effect one's performance and sexual arousal.
You have to grow up and realize, once your kids leave the home, it's only going to be you and him...and kids grow up, leave home and sometimes even move away...and, HE is not your savior....he is not some prince charming who saved you during the hard times in your life, however, he was there for you...people are people, we all have faults, and we all have goodness in us...but his faults which you are pointing out to him are making him feel less then good about himself. You cannot force people to be who they are not, or force people to do what they know nothing about. You cannot force your daughter and him to get along, that is between him and her, and if they don't get along, they don't. Period..accept it and move on...the more you try to fix this, the further apart they will become. Your trying to force people to be who they are not and live up to YOUR Expectations, and sorry to say, it ain't going to happen.
Example: This is why so so many mother in laws and daughter in laws have problems getting along. Because the Mother in law is older, she's used to being the matron of the family and is unable to accept change, meaning, letting go of her son and allowing him to be a husband to the new woman in his life. She oversteps her boundaries, b/c she wants them to be as it always was...and it can never be the same again....the new wife, is now the matron of the family and mother in law is going to have to sadly step back and out of the picture....in order to get along.
You cannot compare him with any other man you've ever know and subconsciously you are...and your expectations are way to high...your setting yourself and him up to fail. Meaning this: He will never be able to live up to your expectations...he cannot be the person YOU think he should be, your actually subconsciously taking away his identity...and expecting him to be someone else.
My personal opinion, your in love with love...you've never had a good relationship so you have nothing to compare a good man to, and your actually expecting him to fail, so you point out his flaws and things you'd like to change about it, and it makes him indeed feel like a failure. Love is loving someone for who they are, a normal human being who has faults, just like you.
Personally and don't take this as an insult, remember you posted that you need advice.....girl, in all loving kindness and care you need to grow up and learn to seperate what is a big problem from the little ones...and most of all...stop with the drama. Other wise, your going to make a mess of this relationship.
A man doesn't want to be ragged on all the time...your so used to a bad relationship, that I believe you've become extremely negative. You look for all the bad and don't know how to not only see the good things, but acknowledge them.
You need to learn, that people are people...period, and just b/c they don't think and feel like you do, doesn't make them wrong or bad people, it's the way they are...it's who they are....and just b/c someone has a different opinion then you do, doesn't mean they are trying to hurt you or offend you...I bet right now, my post and words to you are making you feel all upset and hurt, instead of understanding the words, you take insult when someone trys to give you constructive critisisum. the reason I know that is, b/c when he trys to discuss the problem with you, if you don't get your way, you start crying, b/c your taking his words as a personal insult against your character. That is not what he's doing, he's trying to tell you, I can't be the person you want me to be. So, in order for him to deal with this problem, he is shutting down, b/c any discussion with you about it, has number one, got to be your way, and number 2 ends up in a fight and you crying, and thowing up to him, "how can you treat me that way?" or "talk to me like that?"
When you discuss a problem your having with someone, you've got to take ownership for your own mistakes....your only reacting in the only way you know how, which is learned behavior stemming from your childhood right through to now. He can't tell you how he feels b/c you take it as if he is saying, "your wrong, your a bad person" and he's not, he's telling you what he can and can't do...and your taking it as a personal attack...b/c you are unable to see his perspectives and points of view. Again, just b/c you feel one way and he feels another doesn't make either one of you right or wrong...it is simply that it's your culture....it's you and your personal identity and how you were taught to believe and think about things.
First, you need to realize, this man is not a savior, and girl, the honey moon is over....your relationship will never be the same again....however, it can be even better, more mature and rewarding now, if you grow up and realize, people are people and you can't change how they feel...unless they want to change, which is a life experience in itself.
Love is not making love twice a day, I mean, yeah, it's nice, but how can you expect him to be compliant to that with all this pressure going on, and if this is how it is now, it will only get worse after your married, b/c then the real you will come out.
If I were you, I would do some real hard soul searching and find out why you choose the men you did before him....meaning, you can blame them for being abusive, but, blame yourself for choosing them. Figure out why you felt you didn't deserve better. Did you grow up in a family that was always putting you down, did you have to fight and yell and scream to get your way? Did you lack confidence....I think you did, b/c we marry according to our confidence level.
We've all been there, I was you once, however, somewhere along the line, you've got to grow up and realize, love is not this fixation in your mind of how things are played out to be....
and actually, to be honest, if I were him, I wouldn't want to marry you, b/c I wouldn't want to even begin to try to live up to your expectations of who I should be...I want to be me and not have it dictated to me, how I should think and feel. In all honesty and with my heart, I'm saying this not to hurt you or to offend you, but more so, to wake you up. Girlfriend, you are so unaware and unable to see things in any other way but yours....you have to be more aware of the fact, that we all don't think and feel alike, we all have opinions and different feelings, and just b/c someone disagrees with you, doesn't mean your wrong. Don't get all upset when he is trying to talk things out with you....he's showing you who he is, and what HE is feeling and your unable to accept him for who he is...or even acknowlege the fact, that he has an opinion. Your making him crawl into this silent hole and not want to come out for fear he's going to fail you again, and again...b/c if he disagrees with you, you cry and say the things you say, which makes him feel like a failure.
I really really hope and pray you get this, b/c if you don't, that poor man is doomed....what your doing is what a lot of us women do when we're young, but sooner or later, as we grow with age, we realize, that it's ok for others to disagree with us, it doesn't make us wrong....it's just simply how they think and feel....and if you learn that, one thing, you will open yourself up to so many other possiblities.
Creme,
I am in shock and awe! You have me completely pinned..well other than the fact that I wasn't brought up in hostile home but I believe I do know why I have chose my ex husband. He was a nieve 16 year old and I was almost 18 when we met. I controlled me, our relationship, our finances, decisions...and as time went by, the roles started flipping and I realize now that I couldn't handle that, which ultimately led my decision to file for divorce. I have also seen so many similarities with the problems I have in my relationship now. Not to compare but to admit that I realize a lot of the reasons for the problems in my first marriage were because of ME! I have seen that for some time now and have been so scared to admit it because I dont want to scare him away..that I was a BIG part of the problems.
And I think I totally get the mother in law aspect! I identified with it as I still want my life to be as I WANT it, they way it always was and now heres this new "husband to be" and I am not letting go to let him have that role, which he has actually mentioned.
You have him nailed as well, although I wonder why, even with his own children, he is actually another one of those that only seems to see the negative in our children and gets on them everyday for every little thing because, he has said children should act a certain way and if it's not, he has a big problem with that. He wants them to be the way HE wants them to be, As a parent I can understand that children should possess good behaviors and I think thats where he may be coming from. I take him to be too harsh with his tone when disciplining them but I also know HIS children, for the most part, listen to him and mine, because they had everything they wanted and I basically spoiled them and did almost everything for them (because I wanted their room a certain way or things done as I want them done.) Holy Crap!
You know how shocking this was to read? I was literally starting to break down at the same time I was reading how you thought by now I am probably getting upset. I admit it was hard to take in at first but I knew you had me pinned to the tee. I honestly dont like all these petty arguments and I know you think the problem with the best friend is small but its a big problem although he chooses not to talk about it. I dont mind cutting ties with anyone except my family and , you guessed it, MY best friend. So, number one, in your opinion, is it healthy for a spouse to have a best friend of the opposite sex? I go back and forth because I know she is NOT a threat as in "taking him away to be with him" and she is overall a nice person, but I dont understand why she made something out of nothing which set him thru the roof. Other than that, I honestly wish it could be a healthy thing to have her and him mend their friendship. I have to leave for work,but My GOODNESS, THANK YOU!!!!! Oh and yes, I KNOW he is not a savior! I get that. Thank you so much.
DawnMarie76 - Why the rush to get married? Why not just be boyfriend/girlfriend and each other's best friends, and wait until your 8 kids are grown up and out of the house before tying the knot. Your first responsibility is to your kids. And unless you to have a child with him or to buy a house together, there is no reason to be formally married.
Otherwise, the two of you should take a weekend off and go by yourselves to some mountaintop and exchange private vows and have some important couple time without your kids. And later on, try to something romantic and adults only at least one night a week.
2 years ago, my highschool sweetheart found me after 15 years and we have had the best relationship I have EVER had, even better than US back in highschool. The strongest chemistry I've ever had with another...not even my ex husband of 14 years. I am so completely in love with him and I feel nothing will change that. Not even what Im about to share. This may be such a small problem to many people but its not to me. This man was my saving grace back in highschool from an abusive family member and he was my saving grace again 15 years later as I faced a horrible divorce and custody battle. I believe wholeheartedly that he was meant to find me again and remain by my side for the rest of my life. It may sound corny but it is honestly how I feel and I don't want to let go of the immense amount of love I have for him. So I am asking for anyone's advice on how to SAVE this relationship that has unfortunately been heading south. Last year, my fiance' moved across the country to be with me. He also brought his 4 children and I have 4 children as well. So we have 4 girls and 4 boys. Blending the family has been the toughest battle, even worse than my previous marriage at times..but I have come to love his children and it has been a lot better between his children and me. Yet he will not let down his wall to bond with my oldest daughter and it causes so much heartache between me and him. The children have really struggled to get along and we have been through counseling and now its better but it comes and goes, which I feel is expected. At first, all the dislike between our children never phased OUR relationship. We were still in paradise! That is until 6 months ago. Now it has effected our relationship and he leaves all the time. It is like every week we have a major blowout over the stupidest thing that usually involves my oldest daughter or his oldest daughter. Most nights, he has no problem going to bed angry and hurtful to me until he has me crying and he and I used to make love once or twice a day, but now he doesnt care to even kiss me goodnight. He says he never kissed his ex wife goodnight and its just something he has never done or even thought about. I am NOT used to that at all! Even when my ex would be so upset, he always leaned over to kiss me (even when I didnt want him to). My fiance also said he doesnt like holding things in and likes to get problems resolved right then and there, even if it goes into the night because our relationship was that important. But now, I am typing to the entire world, reaching out for answers because he wont talk to me. When I asked him tonight through my crying, how could he be so mean to me?, the one he searched for, the one he had dreams about well into his first marriage?, his response was,"Once again, you're always the victim." And when that made me cry even more, he was huffing,"Oh my Gosh!" under his breath. Now here is the kicker, our wedding that has already cost us roughly$20K is in 11 weeks. Our invitations are due to go out in 14 days. But I know I cannot say "I do" to a life like this. I told him last week that I couldn't explain it but that no matter what problems and trials we go through, NOTHING ever changes the fact that I am so deeply in love with him and he completely agreed with me that he honestly feels the same way...So then how can he so easily do the Dr.Jeckyl / Mr. Hyde act within just hours of saying that? I know I cannot fix this by myself and I am scared that he is taking my love for him for granted at the worst of times because I DON'T want to show up in 11 weeks to commit my life and my children's lives to what I'd almost call emotional abuse. I don't believe he is taking me seriously at all and I don't know how to make him see that I AM SERIOUS. I WANT to marry him and I love him but I also love myself and my children but me wanting "us" so bad has me scared that what if I marry him without fixing things and just hope it will get better and then it doesn't or even gets worse. I think he feels that I will do just that and he will have me anyway. Now, I am not perfect as I have become numb and tolerate a lot more of his hurtfulness, and can lash right back at him, which I have done. I know that I must stop myself and I have been trying but it is SO hard to refrain when his words and especially the heartless attitude behind it hurt me so bad. I often tell him I cannot live like this and I cannot or will not marry him and all he says is," Go be Happy, I don't care anymore!" I know I shouldn't say those things as they are very damaging and he KNOWS I don't mean it a lot of the time. He KNOWS what he means to me and I believe he is playing on that emotion of mine. I hate to break everything off, but deep down, especially after going through all I went through in my previous marriage, I feel with EVERY ounce of me that I WILL NOT go through with this wedding if he doesn't start putting 110% into "US" and MY children as well. So in 2 weeks, how can I get him to see how serious I am? What else can I do to make things better? Oh and the issues tonight are the facts that I commented on a guys facebook status asking if anyone had any furniture to sell since he and his fiancee have just leased a house together. I have a couch and a loveseat collecting dust in my garage and I offered to sell it to him. He doesnt like this person because he has a filthy mouth and has had a run in with him before (by my request actually) concerning they way he spoke to me. So now, after over a year from when that happened, he once and for all wants me to cut ties with him..even when my girls are really good friends with his girls. I said I don't liked to be controlled who I can and cant be friends with but out of respect for our relationship and bc our relationship should take priority, I would cut ties....and then he accused me of being dramatic and that I wont really do it! WTHeck? The other is that his best friend who up until a few weekends ago was the "Best man" for our upcoming wedding, is a female. Their friendship has mostly been an online one, as she lives very far away. I have tried to respect their friendship, even allowed her to be in the wedding, helped her pick out her dress, even talked to her and reached out to her for advice hoping that she knew him well enough to help me with some of our issues. ANNND forgave them both for crossing the lines in their friendship talking about how and what they like and dislike during sex AND revealing to her how I LIKE it during sex and was asking HER WHY I like it certain ways!!! That's just messed up to begin with! But he accuses me of never accepting her and their friendship!!! Well, she back-stabbed me and lied to him that I was mulling over the day of my old wedding anniversary and he actually left me that night...but later returned. I let her get the best of me and gave her a few of my own words and SHE chose to end their 7 year friendship and had a thousand times more worse things to say to hurt and show disrespect to me. I know I should be ready to take whatever I dish out, but he never stood behind me or stood up for me to her for what she did, even after I proved to him that she lied to him and played on his emotions. Instead, he kept making excuses for her and even resorted to taking the blame himself for possibly taking the wrong way! I should NEVER have to ASK to be defended! But I did, and he STILL didn't! Since then, he has not contacted her nor does she contact him...even after I swallowed my pride and sent her an apology for my cruel words and she has done the same. So, even though HE is choosing not to mend their friendship, I think he is passively demanding I cut ties with this friend of mine out of retaliation for the loss of his "best friend". Oh I am going to stop typing. I think Ive made my concern clear. If anyone has had the patience enough to read all this, first I apologize, and second I appreciate any advice that will make him see that I'm serious WITHOUT physically leaving the relationship. Thank you.
Ok is he inlove with his bestfriend? Thats what I'm feeling..
Seek counseling before you agree to marry him. Everyone is suffering because nobody believes or trusts each other or the situation you are now in. It seems to me you are still very wounded emotionally and demanding he heal you as well as "save" you as he has done before. Thats a recipe for a very short and traumatic marriage. Please talk to a therapist. Best of luck to you and your whole family.
Cremebrulee's answer added to this in great detail (and very well said, I should add) but I absolutely agree with PaganLady that in this case some serious counseling is in order before you get married.
There's no shame whatsoever in putting your marriage plans on hold. The people who know and love you will understand, as will all the children. Obviously both of you will have to do some explaining particularly where the children are concerned but I honestly think there's way too much baggage here right now to deal with.
I'm betting that your relationship is more than salvageable but you need a qualified arbitrator to help you sort through the very real issues which have to be dealt with.
Put the wedding invitations away and cancel whatever you've planned. Keep those wedding invitations and, when the "right time" comes along, use those same invitations and just change by hand or whatever the date and time or whatever else on them. Got to maintain a sense of humor in this sort of situation and everyone will understand.
With 8 children between you it must be quite a household and of course there are going to be difficulties involved with such a mix of ages, sexes and personalities.
Sit down with your man and have a healthy chat, arrange to go for counseling (be warned in advance that not every therapist suits everyone and you may have to go through a couple before you find the right one). Look at it all positively as a step to letting go of the past, putting the past where it belongs and moving into a wonderful future. It won't be all daisies in lush green meadows - those cows deposit some mighty pats - but get the foundation solidified before jumping on mooshy ground. Good luck! Oh, and have him read this thread.
My divorce was $30k and I still owe $7000 and the bill still keeps growing each month. I know all to well of the hellacious experience that is! :-)
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