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I have a couple of friends who are female and are mothers of young children (8 and younger).
One is an older friend who I talk to every one or two months (consequently, it's the same story every time I speak with her). The other is a newer friend who I just met within the last year. Both of these women are very attractive but have both been in emotionally abusive relationships. One is single, the other is remarried but unfortunately seemed to have attracted another unhealthy relationship.
Every time I talk to these women they are going through some sort of crisis. They could be the same person they are so similar in their outlook on life. It is the same pattern of behavior. They keep attracting toxic relationships. The one who is single has an on again off again boyfriend for the last 7 years, he only calls her when he wants something from her, usually sex. And she will say things like "If he would just let me know if he wants to be with me or not, why does he have to keep playing games with me?" And I tell her that she doesn't have to allow him into her life, she needs to decide if he is what she wants, not the other way around.
My other friend who is married (but is probably going to get another divorce) has a rule for her husband such as he is forbidden to carpool with anyone from the opposite sex. She thinks her husband is not respecting her because her feelings should come first. When I ask her why this rule she informed me that women and men are not to be alone because it will lead to an affair. When I tell her that I couldn't live by her rule and that it would make my job very difficult and akward for me to tell my boss or coworkers that I can't ride in a car alone with them she seemed surprised. Her need to control her husband is getting in the way of her own happiness.
Another friend claims that her husband needs to do this or do that to make her happy. Seriously? No he doesn't, she is responsible for her happiness. Needless to say she is constantly miserable.
Anyway the point of this thread is to inform women that you need to take responsibility for your life. If there is one thing that I could tell all of my clients and friends it is this: Take control and stop choosing to be the victim!
One thing that I hear a lot is "I'm a survivor" as if it's a badge of honor. That's good, but survival is only one level higher than death. Rise from mere surviving your life to living your life and then you can move to thriving. That's the goal. Don't stay stuck on survival mode.
I also hear excuses such as;
I was abandoned when I was little, my father abused me, my mother was not emotionally available, my husband doesn't respect me, my kids don't listen to me, I can't get a job, my husband cheated on me, blah blah blah.
This may be very true and I'm not saying that your story isn't valid. But stop using these excuses to keep you small and helpless. Learn and grow and don't look back. There is a life waiting for you to unlock, stop looking at the locked door proclaiming why you can't open it. Find the key, walk through and start living the life you were destined for! It's as simple as opening the door and changing your thought patterns. You are the only one who controls your life, so take it and live it. Your happiness depends on your ability to take ownership of your life. And as Dr. Phil says "You teach people how to treat you".
I think some people like playing the victim and some people thrive on chaos. I think some people are like that because they have never seen what a normal, happy life can be like. I'm not making excuses for them - like you said - we are in control of our own lives. But I think some people don't realize that. My father came from an awful family - his parents never got along and divorced when he was 11. They also weren't very good people. My father was part of the big brother/little brother program and his big brother was a great man. This man had a great marriage and a wonderful family. He was also very successful. My father saw this man's life and decided that this was the kind of life he wanted, too. So he started studying harder and he pulled up his grades. He became an optometrist, married a wonderful woman (my mother), and had me. He was a wonderful husband and father. He saw a better life and he made it happen. I'm not sure if he would have been able to do this had he not had a "Big Brother" but I'm sure glad that he did!
I think some people don't know what normal is. I think they don't know how to live a well adjusted life and choose a mate that is good for them. I think it's sad. I do think we have control over our own lives - I just don't think that everyone realizes this. And to be honest, at least with a couple of my friends, I'm not sure that they ever will.
I have a couple of friends who are female and are mothers of young children (8 and younger).
One is an older friend who I talk to every one or two months (consequently, it's the same story every time I speak with her). The other is a newer friend who I just met within the last year. Both of these women are very attractive but have both been in emotionally abusive relationships. One is single, the other is remarried but unfortunately seemed to have attracted another unhealthy relationship.
Every time I talk to these women they are going through some sort of crisis. They could be the same person they are so similar in their outlook on life. It is the same pattern of behavior. They keep attracting toxic relationships. The one who is single has an on again off again boyfriend for the last 7 years, he only calls her when he wants something from her, usually sex. And she will say things like "If he would just let me know if he wants to be with me or not, why does he have to keep playing games with me?" And I tell her that she doesn't have to allow him into her life, she needs to decide if he is what she wants, not the other way around.
My other friend who is married (but is probably going to get another divorce) has a rule for her husband such as he is forbidden to carpool with anyone from the opposite sex. She thinks her husband is not respecting her because her feelings should come first. When I ask her why this rule she informed me that women and men are not to be alone because it will lead to an affair. When I tell her that I couldn't live by her rule and that it would make my job very difficult and akward for me to tell my boss or coworkers that I can't ride in a car alone with them she seemed surprised. Her need to control her husband is getting in the way of her own happiness.
Another friend claims that her husband needs to do this or do that to make her happy. Seriously? No he doesn't, she is responsible for her happiness. Needless to say she is constantly miserable.
Anyway the point of this thread is to inform women that you need to take responsibility for your life. If there is one thing that I could tell all of my clients and friends it is this: Take control and stop choosing to be the victim!
One thing that I hear a lot is "I'm a survivor" as if it's a badge of honor. That's good, but survival is only one level higher than death. Rise from mere surviving your life to living your life and then you can move to thriving. That's the goal. Don't stay stuck on survival mode.
I also hear excuses such as;
I was abandoned when I was little, my father abused me, my mother was not emotionally available, my husband doesn't respect me, my kids don't listen to me, I can't get a job, my husband cheated on me, blah blah blah.
This may be very true and I'm not saying that your story isn't valid. But stop using these excuses to keep you small and helpless. Learn and grow and don't look back. There is a life waiting for you to unlock, stop looking at the locked door proclaiming why you can't open it. Find the key, walk through and start living the life you were destined for! It's as simple as opening the door and changing your thought patterns. You are the only one who controls your life, so take it and live it. Your happiness depends on your ability to take ownership of your life. And as Dr. Phil says "You teach people how to treat you".
May your life be blessed.
Excellent Post! Nothing to add here, All of it so true.
It seems that today "normal"= dysfunction, but I know what you mean. They don't know what a healthy relationship looks like. And yes there are people addicted to drama. They only know how to operate from one crisis after another, and if there is no crisis, they often create it. If there is no major drama the think something is wrong.
I was raised in toxicity and then created it for myself in my first marriage (unknowingly of course). I have a sister who mulls through our childhood all the time and talks about how horrible it was and if only Dad would have done this or if Mom wouldn't have done that so on and so forth. Needless to say she is one of the most severe victims I have encountered.
True. People are in control of their lives, to an extent. It is all about choices.
I wanted to marry this guy when I was younger, he was great. He ended up marrying someone else. That is the way it is. I could not control him wanting someone else.
Well, two things, it is very kind of you to remain friends. I have found that I can no longer have those types of people in my life at all as it just brings me down.
And the other thing is, if these people would just realize how great one can feel once you take charge of your own life and stop being a victim.
Truer words have never been said. If anyone grew up in a toxic environment, it was me. My parents were both non-existent. My dad was non-existent, but was never cruel. My mom on the other hand, was both. She was manipulative, controlling, demeaning, and just a flat out miserable person. Though I was never physically abused, I probably would have preferred that over the put downs. Bruises heal, words have a life long effect.
My grandparents raised me and they told me the only thing they regretted was not fighting for custody. I'm pretty sure my mom threatened them, so that would probably explain why they never went through with it. But it wasn't their responsibility to raise me. They already raised my dad.
I did take control of my life. I moved to New York and moved in with my cousin. The fnal straw was when my parents refused to ship up my pool table. I had to drive 20 hours down to Florida in my cousin's van, take apart the table, and drive 20 hours back to New York where I had to put the table back together and level it. Between gas and food, I spent $500. My parents both know someone that could have done it for only $250. Cut ties with them, haven't spoken to them since. Things couldn't be better.
The only thing that pisses me off is when I see people complaining about their childhood when it wasn't all that bad. Granted mine was no cake walk, but it could have been much worse. Especially if my grandparents had died when I was a kid rather than 18 and 20.
Good observations in the OP. I've heard of or known women who chose abusive partners; just as surely as men do. People often repeat the behavioral patterns they'd grown up with; or have a genetic predisposition for. We're given "fixed hardware" for which only compatible software can run. And it takes a lot of effort to "tweek the program."
I've seen post from women on the internet; who finally meet a "good man." One who's emotionally balanced, stable and reliable. One who treats them well. They "get bored."
I also had a couple of friends in my early twenties; that would get caught up in peripheral relationships with those types of women. Sometimes they'd invest years; wanting to rescue her and treat her well. Those relationships invaribly all came to the same end.
I don't have friends that do as such anymore. I also don't know any women on a personal basis who are married to abusive men. Least not that I'm aware of. However, have no doubt they still exist.
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