How badly am I being strung along? (girl, separated, sex)
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It seems pretty clear from your posts that you want more than he does. I can see both sides of this. I was married. Divorce is AWFUL. When I got free of my marriage all I wanted to do was have fun. I had no problem dating around, but I wasn't willing to be anyone's girlfriend until I really healed. I bet this is how your guy feels. He said he doesn't want to commit. Believe him.
Since my divorce I got into a "relationship" kind of like what you described. The guy I was with had just gotten out of a long term relationship and we agreed to just have fun together, no strings. We talked every single day and we both agreed not to see anyone else. But he didn't want a relationship. I agreed at first, but over time I started to feel that I really DID need that girlfriend label to be happy. I was dumb. I hung out for awhile. I thought maybe he will change his mind...he'll see how great we are together and how much I care about him, and how amazing our physical chemistry is...he'll come around. He didn't. He wasn't a bad guy, he wasn't trying to hurt me on purpose, but he didn't want a relationship.
My point is your guy doesn't have to be a jerk who is stringing you along on purpose. But he doesn't want a relationship and he's unlikely to change his mind on that. The question is are you okay with that? Or are you holding out that hope that he's going to change his mind and commit to you? I suspect it's the latter or you wouldn't be here writing this post in the first place. If you really want more from this guy then my advice is to get out of the situation completely. You are wasting time that you could be out finding someone else who DOES want the relationship you want. Deep conversations and scorching the sheets are not enough to overcome one person wanting a relationship when the other doesn't and you are only delaying your inevitable unhappiness when this man doesn't change his mind and want what you do. Just my .02.
No I agree with you. I'm not really about the labels. And I'm definitely not about marriage (I mean, look at what happened to his, it's not some guarantee that things are "happily ever after") or the "white picket fence" illusion. My fears with him aren't revolved around that... I think for now, it's just a matter of me wanting to be in the same place as him. We both love to travel and he currently is without living arrangements. I'm about to be in the same position pretty shortly. Which is exciting but means a lot of communication to for us to actually end up in the same spot at the same time.
I walked into this thread hoping to get more perspective about the confusing parts of divorce--which I got some of and am grateful for it. I don't think I was prepared to get ripped apart or made to feel cheap by one or two people in particular. It really kind of stung... I don't think I'm some sort of husband-stealing harlot and as naive as I am, I do think I'm perceptive enough to see when someone is just using me for sex. I know the title of this thread is "how badly am I being strung along" but I don't think stringing someone along always = fling. I think people are complicated and prone to playing mind games and miscommunicating desires and all sorts of lame things.
Ok say you get married and find out some female told your husband she wanted in his pants. Still don't think you are of questionable moral value?
Get real.
You are delusional about that one. That leads me to believe you are also delusional about him. You will believe what your coping mechanisms allow you to believe.
OP, thanks for clarifying the label issue and now the living situations. I think, given his repeated statements that he is not ready for a relationship, doesn't want one, and the fact that you both are recently out of relationships, it would be a serious mistake to even bring up the issue of cohabitation. Neither of you is ready for it, and he is aware that he isn't. As I said before, just take it for what it is, don't try to change it. Let things develop naturally while you both heal. If you push now to move the relationship in a new direction, it will surely end. Neither of you are ready to move forward.
While my exhusband thought it was smart to get married the day after our divorce was final, he soon learned it was a huge mistake and he now has two ex-wives! Divorce is an enormous upheaval and leaves many not wanting a commitment. I still celebrate my divorce day with more celebration than New Year's or 4th of July. It was my newbirth day, my day of freedom from tyranny, my time to step back and find myself. Give him space.
Some people have a need to pass judgment on others, so feel free to ignore the advice and/or judgments of some posters.
You are both on the rebound and it's not going to work. Not at all. Been there, done that, got the t-hirt, the mug and the free trip to Hawaii. I don't care how crummy the divorce or relationship is, jumping from one to another feels good, but doesn't give you time to mourn the previous relationship. It's akin to building a house on sand. Weak foundation. It may seem and feel perfect but once the "newness" wears off, the cracks began to show.
OP, thanks for clarifying the label issue and now the living situations. I think, given his repeated statements that he is not ready for a relationship, doesn't want one, and the fact that you both are recently out of relationships, it would be a serious mistake to even bring up the issue of cohabitation. Neither of you is ready for it, and he is aware that he isn't. As I said before, just take it for what it is, don't try to change it. Let things develop naturally while you both heal. If you push now to move the relationship in a new direction, it will surely end. Neither of you are ready to move forward.
While my exhusband thought it was smart to get married the day after our divorce was final, he soon learned it was a huge mistake and he now has two ex-wives! Divorce is an enormous upheaval and leaves many not wanting a commitment. I still celebrate my divorce day with more celebration than New Year's or 4th of July. It was my newbirth day, my day of freedom from tyranny, my time to step back and find myself. Give him space.
Some people have a need to pass judgment on others, so feel free to ignore the advice and/or judgments of some posters.
Yes..ignore caring about the crappy things you have done to yourself and others. Pretend that is not what people out in the real world think of women who do such things.
Its not like someone's partner won't get way more bezerk than blunt words on a message board.
Not really.... Would anyone want to be in a new serious relationship after being in 6 year relationship???? NOT ME. Maybe just for rebound.
Does she want a rebound relationship, probably not, or she wouldn't have asked am I being strung along.
They seem like they're good for each other right now. Clearly shes mentally in a different place than her friend.
She can sort through the advice in thread and decide whats important to her in the future.
IDK...Another thought, she may not be ready for a committed relationship either, on a subconscious level, sometimes theres deeper meaning for our choices.
For the past year and a half, I've had feelings for a man that I work with. I'm 27. He's 31. This will probably be a long story, so I apologize for that.
We don't work directly together or on the same team. We don't work in the same office or even the same city (we both work from home) so we didn't see each other very often. Our company has no dating policy. He had been married for 6 years. I had been in a relationship for 6 years. I developed feelings for him as soon as we met but I respectfully kept them to myself to stay true to my relationship and be respectful of his marriage. I sensed that his marriage was troubled but I didn't prod for details nor did he really offer any. We tried to be friends online, but it was obvious there was some tension between us so we awkwardly stopped talking.
A few months passed and we saw each other again. We spent a good amount of time together... as friends... and in a moment of complete idiocy, I decided to apologize to him for the past few months of awkwardness, explaining that the reason behind it was that I had feelings for him and wasn't sure how to handle that.
He very kindly told me just how flattered he was, but of course, he was married and nothing could come of that. We hugged and parted ways. I went home and my long-term boyfriend of 7 years and I broke up, mutually (what happened was a factor but we had several problems as a couple that were irreconcilable beyond that).
A few days later, he came back to me and said, "I don't want you to think I'm ignoring you. I've just been thinking a lot and I can't make sense of things. I don't know what to do. Two people who are attracted to each other can't be friends." We kept talking as friends after that, but one day out of nowhere, he just stopped talking to me, with no explanation.
A few more months passed. I saw him again. He was really excited to see me this time, but I was really hurt by the way he gave me the silent treatment for months and decided it was okay to suddenly talk to me again. We had a very awkward few days together in which I didn't want to talk to him because I was afraid to. Finally, I agreed to. He revealed to me that a few months prior, he had separated from his wife. We talked a bit that day about everything. He told me he was still in a weird place, wasn't ready for anything serious, and that he felt weird because he knew with me, he'd want to get serious so he was hesitant to stay in contact with me. He also told me that he had plans to leave the country for three months just to get away from everything.
I said, "No, I think I can be okay with this... I'm okay with just seeing how things go." We went away from everyone, kissed/made out for an hour or so. It was amazing. There was an incredible physical chemistry between us.
We parted ways again. We talked on the phone every night for like 3 hours for a long time until he left the country. When he did, we stayed in contact every day. We were getting extremely emotionally bonded. I knew he was kind of dating there and he told me about it, but I didn't really mind. Finally, he invited me to come see him in the country he was visiting. I did.
I spent 4 weeks with him. It was like we were a couple. We had a couple of conversations while I was there about things, one in which he told me that although he had been dating, he had no plans on dating anyone else while he was "seeing me." That is, that from that point until he definitely called things off... I guess there was a commitment. All the same, neither of us will put labels on things. I've expressed that I'm okay with this but at the same time, I'm not really sure about my stance on it.
He's told me he's very conflicted about us. He's still going through his divorce. He's scared to jump into something new and deep. And he can see that very easily happening with me. He's really attached to his "independence" but I'm not really sure what exactly that is for him.
I figure I must mean something to him because he invited me to come spend weeks with him on a trip that was supposed to be all about him exploring his independence. Not to mention he's still calling me a lot and seems to miss me quite a bit.
I feel like he and I have a lot going for each other. We have more in common than anyone I've ever met. The chemistry between us is surreal and intense. And we have all of the same life goals, it seems. But it feels like we have so much going against us too. His divorce is not finalized. We don't currently live in the same place. We work together and although there isn't any particular reason to keep it hidden, we're doing just that for the time being. A few people do know about us but no one really seems to care... I think everyone already knew we had feelings for each other a while back, so it really hasn't shocked anyone that did find out.
People keep telling me I'm being strung along. That I'm giving him everything he wants (sleeping with an attractive woman, flirting, attention) without having to give me anything something in return (the label of 'boyfriend').
But I don't know if I even care about that (the labels). All I can ascertain is that I want to be close enough to him that I can see him on a regular basis and keep exploring things and have the commitment that he's not seeing anyone else while with me. It seems like both of these are things we're very slowly working towards... and for me it feels understandable how slow it is given that he's still technically married. So am I really being strung along? People throw this idea at me that I shouldn't be happy and it confuses me into really feeling like I'm not. Because whenever I'm actually with him in the same place... I have never felt so happy before and based on his behavior and expressions, I get the same vibe from him. Except he just happens to be very guarded with letting his emotions show.
A lot of online advice I read says to step back because divorce is a hairy mess and it takes people ages to recover from it. And I want to understand this... why does it take so long to recover from? I really want to understand this perspective better. I'm a few months out of a relationship of the same length and I'm ready to move on with my life. My ex and I can talk on civil terms. This guy I'm seeing now does not seem particularly hung up on his ex. He does seem stressed by how frustrating the divorce process can be. Any time he has talked to his ex, I can tell it wears him out and leaves him feeling depressed and moody.
We've very recently started communicating a LOT. We weren't so much when we first started all of this. I sometimes will write him very long letters. He'll write back. But it still feels like there are a lot of unanswered questions hanging around... like what we're really going to do to make "this" work (whatever it is "this" is). Instead we just keep hanging to tentative plans that one of us will go visit the other (right now, that being that he plans to come see me in a couple of weeks).
Am I overthinking this considering I spent a month being with him, and four months kind of building up to that... or are these all things I should be really picking apart now to avoid a lot of gloom and doom later on? I don't have a lot of bonafide dating experience so I know I might sound very naive... which is why I'm of course anonymously asking the Internet for advice
Anabolic,
Did you notice he didn't start with this, "I'm conflicted" business until after he had gotten some
time
sex
attention
support
sympathy
affection
from you in the form of a brief affair (you were seeing him while he was separated, were you not?)
So four weeks have gone by and now, he's "conflicted".
Did you ask him what he was conflicted about? Is he feeling conflicted because he thinks he still loves his wife? You are overthinking the month you spent with him. You think it means something because you and he were together in another country. It doesn't. He had the needs typical of a man who is estranged from his wife, and you filled them. Now he's afraid you're going to expect more, so he's telling you in a heartwarming, touching, sensitive way to back off from him. You've served your purpose and now he doesn't want any problems if he decides to go back to his wife. Strung along, used, played with..take your pick.
It seems pretty clear from your posts that you want more than he does. I can see both sides of this. I was married. Divorce is AWFUL. When I got free of my marriage all I wanted to do was have fun. I had no problem dating around, but I wasn't willing to be anyone's girlfriend until I really healed. I bet this is how your guy feels. He said he doesn't want to commit. Believe him.
Excellent post!
Divorce is an awful process. Even if you're the one who wants to be free and you're totally emotionally disconnected from your ex-spouse, it's still terrible, because you feel like you failed the institution. You feel like you failed other people (e.g. parents). Most emotionally healthy people need a little breathing room after a major life-changing event like this.
And sadly for you, OP, you could be a really great LT partner for this man under other circumstances. I think about a man I was seeing shortly after my divorce who I simply couldn't get into. We parted ways, and after the smoke cleared, I realized what I'd let go of, but it was too late, he was already married to someone else.
I really do hope for your sake that bad timing doesn't deprive both of you of each other — if that makes any sense.
It seems pretty clear from your posts that you want more than he does. I can see both sides of this. I was married. Divorce is AWFUL. When I got free of my marriage all I wanted to do was have fun. I had no problem dating around, but I wasn't willing to be anyone's girlfriend until I really healed. I bet this is how your guy feels. He said he doesn't want to commit. Believe him.
Since my divorce I got into a "relationship" kind of like what you described. The guy I was with had just gotten out of a long term relationship and we agreed to just have fun together, no strings. We talked every single day and we both agreed not to see anyone else. But he didn't want a relationship. I agreed at first, but over time I started to feel that I really DID need that girlfriend label to be happy. I was dumb. I hung out for awhile. I thought maybe he will change his mind...he'll see how great we are together and how much I care about him, and how amazing our physical chemistry is...he'll come around. He didn't. He wasn't a bad guy, he wasn't trying to hurt me on purpose, but he didn't want a relationship.
My point is your guy doesn't have to be a jerk who is stringing you along on purpose. But he doesn't want a relationship and he's unlikely to change his mind on that. The question is are you okay with that? Or are you holding out that hope that he's going to change his mind and commit to you? I suspect it's the latter or you wouldn't be here writing this post in the first place. If you really want more from this guy then my advice is to get out of the situation completely. You are wasting time that you could be out finding someone else who DOES want the relationship you want. Deep conversations and scorching the sheets are not enough to overcome one person wanting a relationship when the other doesn't and you are only delaying your inevitable unhappiness when this man doesn't change his mind and want what you do. Just my .02.
OP, this post right here ^^ is probably THE most honest, non judgemental, hit the nail on the head post that you are going to find. This is it right here. Read that over and over, because I would bet you money that 3 months from now if you came back in here with an update, you are gonna find this was the truth.
I once heard someone say that divorce was like cutting your arm off.
Don't expect him to be able to think with a clear head for a while. He will be all over the place. And because of that, you need to protect yourself and step back.
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Anabolic,
