Dating my ex's (sort of) friend... (girlfriends, girl, love, single)
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So, a few weeks ago, I ended a LTR of 4 years, mainly because the relationship was going nowhere and we weren’t in love with each other anymore. We both knew it was a long time coming, and since splitting up, I’ve felt this huge sense of relief that I can finally move on with my life. It’s been a clean, drama-free breakup, and I intend to keep it that way. Eventually, I hope we can be on “friendly” terms (not necessarily friends, just pleasant to each other) but right now, we’re keeping our distance from one another and haven’t been communicating, which I think is for the best.
I’ve been using the time to focus on work and on myself. I’m working out and taking better care of myself, spending more time with my friends and family, and staying busy with my hobbies, like reading and cooking. I finally feel good about myself and where I’m at with my life - something I couldn’t honestly say when I was still in the relationship - and I’m starting to feel ready to date other people.
Right now, most of my friends (with the exception of my work friends) are people I’ve met through my ex. Many of them, including my ex, grew up in the community together. (I moved here 7 years ago from another state.) I’ve talked to many of our friends about the split, and they’ve been overwhelmingly supportive. Even though they’ve known my ex longer than me, most still want to keep me as a friend too. I’ve been careful to maintain my dignity and not trash-talk my ex - it’s not my style and I don’t want to alienate anyone or make them feel like they need to choose sides. I don’t know what my ex has been saying about me, but so far, I haven’t heard any negative feedback.
So far so good, right? But here’s where my situation gets kind of messy...
We have a mutual friend-of-a-friend, (I’ll call him J), and I’m sort of interested in him. (Not as a potential LTR, necessarily, just to go out for drinks and see what happens, know what I mean?) J is buddies with one of our good mutual friends, and we’d always see him at parties and group get-togethers. J was always friendly toward both my ex and me, but we never really hung out one-on-one with him. Last time I saw J was shortly before my ex and I split up, when we went to a friend’s BBQ. I spent some time chatting with J, and I got the sense that he really “noticed” me this time. (I’ve lost quite a bit of weight, and I’m finally feeling prettier and more confident.) However, I haven’t seen J since the break-up.
Just to emphasize, J is not one of my ex’s “good” friends. They know the same people and hang out with the same crowd, but they’ve never been tight. (However, J is tight with a few of the same guys my ex is tight with … they’re just not tight with each other … am I making sense?)
Anyhow, one of my girlfriends (another mutual friend of my ex’s) invited me to go to a street fest / pub crawl type-thing this coming weekend with a big group of people. (I know my ex isn’t going, so it shouldn’t be weird.) J will probably be there, and this would be my first opportunity to talk to him one-on-one without my ex around. (I don’t know what to expect, but I’d like to see if that little “spark” I noticed at the BBQ is still there.) I’m just wondering a few things...
I don’t know if J knows that I split from my ex. (Most of our mutual friends know by now, and J is a Facebook friend, so he might have seen my status change.) Should I talk to him and let him know about it? (Not pour-my-heart-out, just state the facts.)
Is it too soon? My ex and I split up about 3 weeks ago. Again, I’m not ready for anything serious, I just want to stick my toes in the water, so to speak...
Would my friends think it’s weird if I (possibly) date another guy “in the group” when they all know my ex as well? (To be honest, I think J is tighter with most of the people in the group than my ex ever was.) But more importantly, would J think it’s weird of me?
In short, should I give it a try or should I give up on the idea? I dig J - he’s smart, he’s got his head on straight and has a great job, he’s funny, he’s cool, and I’ve always found him attractive. But do I risk alienating friends - including J - because they know my ex? Is it dumb of me to consider dating a guy who’s in the same social circle as my ex, even though they aren’t particularly good friends? What would you do if you were me?
Thanks in advance, and sorry for the rambling post...
Go for it. J is not much more than just an acquaintance to your ex it appears to me. I see nothing wrong with it. If he was a GOOD FRIEND to your ex it might make things messy, but he's not.
So, a few weeks ago, I ended a LTR of 4 years, mainly because the relationship was going nowhere and we weren’t in love with each other anymore. We both knew it was a long time coming, and since splitting up, I’ve felt this huge sense of relief that I can finally move on with my life. It’s been a clean, drama-free breakup, and I intend to keep it that way. Eventually, I hope we can be on “friendly” terms (not necessarily friends, just pleasant to each other) but right now, we’re keeping our distance from one another and haven’t been communicating, which I think is for the best.
If it were me, and it was a clean, drama free breakup and I still respected my ex, then I would not date someone they knew, knowing it would cause them pain. I mean, you barely know J. Why not just date someone else outside of your social circle.
But that's just me. I'm what most people call a sensitive 'pansy'. Most people would tell you to go for it.
You're single. Go out, have fun and do what YOU want. You have one time around this life, don't spend it worrying about the approval of your friends or what your EX will think. IMO, people who worry too much about what others think about their life are not only insecure, but are already on their way to dead.
it's 1 of those don't date a friend stupid rules. seriously who makes those rules. so pointless. you are both single so it's natural to look for new relationship and more natural to meet them within your social circle. i will go for it. puck the rules stupid 1s at that
If it were me, and it was a clean, drama free breakup and I still respected my ex, then I would not date someone they knew, knowing it would cause them pain. I mean, you barely know J. Why not just date someone else outside of your social circle.
But that's just me. I'm what most people call a sensitive 'pansy'. Most people would tell you to go for it.
Well, I do agree with your last statement, but thats about it. Respect for others means very little when you have no self respect to speak of. J. is open game and there is nt a single reason why OP shouldnt go for it, full steam ahead.
That reminds me of my last breakup. I was in LTR with this girl for 3 years, and things didnt work out so we broke it off. The very next day after the break up her sister (who lived with my ex gf) asked me out and we went out on a date. I was still little bit emotionaly involved getting over my ex, considering the length of our relationship and how recent the break up was, so I decided to stay away. Few months later we dated a few times but things never really progressed, so we became friends. Life is short, get what you can out of it.
So, a few weeks ago, I ended a LTR of 4 years, mainly because the relationship was going nowhere and we weren’t in love with each other anymore. We both knew it was a long time coming, and since splitting up, I’ve felt this huge sense of relief that I can finally move on with my life. It’s been a clean, drama-free breakup, and I intend to keep it that way. Eventually, I hope we can be on “friendly” terms (not necessarily friends, just pleasant to each other) but right now, we’re keeping our distance from one another and haven’t been communicating, which I think is for the best.
I’ve been using the time to focus on work and on myself. I’m working out and taking better care of myself, spending more time with my friends and family, and staying busy with my hobbies, like reading and cooking. I finally feel good about myself and where I’m at with my life - something I couldn’t honestly say when I was still in the relationship - and I’m starting to feel ready to date other people.
Right now, most of my friends (with the exception of my work friends) are people I’ve met through my ex. Many of them, including my ex, grew up in the community together. (I moved here 7 years ago from another state.) I’ve talked to many of our friends about the split, and they’ve been overwhelmingly supportive. Even though they’ve known my ex longer than me, most still want to keep me as a friend too. I’ve been careful to maintain my dignity and not trash-talk my ex - it’s not my style and I don’t want to alienate anyone or make them feel like they need to choose sides. I don’t know what my ex has been saying about me, but so far, I haven’t heard any negative feedback.
So far so good, right? But here’s where my situation gets kind of messy...
We have a mutual friend-of-a-friend, (I’ll call him J), and I’m sort of interested in him. (Not as a potential LTR, necessarily, just to go out for drinks and see what happens, know what I mean?) J is buddies with one of our good mutual friends, and we’d always see him at parties and group get-togethers. J was always friendly toward both my ex and me, but we never really hung out one-on-one with him. Last time I saw J was shortly before my ex and I split up, when we went to a friend’s BBQ. I spent some time chatting with J, and I got the sense that he really “noticed” me this time. (I’ve lost quite a bit of weight, and I’m finally feeling prettier and more confident.) However, I haven’t seen J since the break-up.
Just to emphasize, J is not one of my ex’s “good” friends. They know the same people and hang out with the same crowd, but they’ve never been tight. (However, J is tight with a few of the same guys my ex is tight with … they’re just not tight with each other … am I making sense?)
Anyhow, one of my girlfriends (another mutual friend of my ex’s) invited me to go to a street fest / pub crawl type-thing this coming weekend with a big group of people. (I know my ex isn’t going, so it shouldn’t be weird.) J will probably be there, and this would be my first opportunity to talk to him one-on-one without my ex around. (I don’t know what to expect, but I’d like to see if that little “spark” I noticed at the BBQ is still there.) I’m just wondering a few things...
I don’t know if J knows that I split from my ex. (Most of our mutual friends know by now, and J is a Facebook friend, so he might have seen my status change.) Should I talk to him and let him know about it? (Not pour-my-heart-out, just state the facts.)
Is it too soon? My ex and I split up about 3 weeks ago. Again, I’m not ready for anything serious, I just want to stick my toes in the water, so to speak...
Would my friends think it’s weird if I (possibly) date another guy “in the group” when they all know my ex as well? (To be honest, I think J is tighter with most of the people in the group than my ex ever was.) But more importantly, would J think it’s weird of me?
In short, should I give it a try or should I give up on the idea? I dig J - he’s smart, he’s got his head on straight and has a great job, he’s funny, he’s cool, and I’ve always found him attractive. But do I risk alienating friends - including J - because they know my ex? Is it dumb of me to consider dating a guy who’s in the same social circle as my ex, even though they aren’t particularly good friends? What would you do if you were me?
Thanks in advance, and sorry for the rambling post...
I wouldn't even call it 'dating' yet....you can go to the street fest and have a good time, socialize and if J is there socialize with him as well...don't fall all over yourself getting to him or come across as you are throwing yourself into something new. Get to know him(J) better, keep things (for the most part) in group settings for a few months. If he is interested he'll let you know. Then go from there- 1 step at a time, as all things do. But, if nothing becomes of it, it won't look like your traveling around the "circle" or looking for a rebound. It may even be a good idea to hang out at new places a little bit, in order to widen that circle and get to know people that your ex doesn't know at all. BUT what would you feel like if your ex started dating someone in the "circle" that you know? Take that into consideration as well.
Bottom line for my opinion: Take things slow, take your time...give it more than a month(Ya'll were together 4yrs, right?)to settle. Then do what you do, live life and enjoy people!!
3 weeks since your breakup and you're already looking for the next one. Why are people so afraid to be alone? Take some time for yourself. And ask yourself this - would you care if your ex was hitting on someone in your circle of friends after only 3 weeks?
3 weeks since your breakup and you're already looking for the next one. Why are people so afraid to be alone? Take some time for yourself. And ask yourself this - would you care if your ex was hitting on someone in your circle of friends after only 3 weeks?
I have to agree with this response. Take some time out for yourself. You've been with your ex for 4 years. Come up for air and breathe.
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