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I've never posted here but I'd like to ask help regarding my sister.
i'm 23 years old (female) and she is 18 years old.
In short, she said she does not wants any "social bonding" with me or my mother. I asked her why, but the only answer I get out of her is "I just don't like you" or "you don't give me enough privacy" (sidenote: she has her own room and roomlock + we never interfere with her affairs unless she asks for this). After she said this I had hoped this was just an outburst, maybe it was a puberal statement. 14 days later I asked if she really ment what she said back then, because she had been having "cozy conversations" with us, smiling, as if we would be the best of friends. She simply said "duh, ofcourse." I said I thought it would be a shame if she really felt that way, and that I would like to work on changing that. She said "I don't want it to change, and I definetely don't want you to try and change it." After this, she continued her "being nice" act. I got pissed off, mainly because what she said hurted, so I told her that I would quit putting energy into her then. She said that that would be great. Despite the fact that she puts up a happy act, there is this constant "gloomy atmosphere" when she is around, she always ignores me or my mother in a subtle way, while making talk to the other person. It feels awful when she enters the room, ... When her boyfriend is around, she all of a sudden acts supersweet, which I find disgusting.
I don't think I can change her, she has quite the spoiled past but I do would like to manage the anger inside of me. Everytime she is "nice" to me or my mother, I get upset and angry, knowing she is just putting up an act, probably to get something she wants from the person she is nice to. Sometimes I get insecure about myself, I wonder if I did something horrible towards her without realizing it. Then again, when I hear her reasons for hating on others, I realise that her reasons for hating me may be of similar "unsignificant" proportion (most of the time she gets mad when she does not get what she wants).
Often I wish to shout at her to leave the house (to live in a rented room near her school, which she has been offered by our mother - in a friendly manner - but rejected). And when frustration builds I even hear my inner voice shouting "go kill yourself, it would make me happier". Ofcourse I would very much regret saying such things, so I don't. This causes the frustration to build even more. I was hoping that someone could give me some tips about how to deal with this kind of frustration. I have really tried to reach out to her, but she just redicules me for doing so.
About the spoiled past: Our dad always gave my sister everything she wanted (and I really mean everything). They always went to get something for her while I was somewhere else. Every now and then I also got something nice. In a way I was also spoiled, but I also always stood in her shadow (and I am grateful for this since I don't have the spoiled attitude she does due to this). A quote from her is: "I always got everything from my daddy that I asked for, except this one time so I got supermad at him, I really hated him for it. When we came home it turned out that he had already bought it, and he did not want to buy it twice".
In her defense: we have a complex past together, I dated a guy she loved, but she never told me. (me and the guy were 15 years old and she was only 11 years, so it's not something you would "expect".) She thought it was her "right" to "take him back" so she had cybersex with him (ofcourse this guy was mostly to blame, taking advantage of the situation he was fully aware of). It gave trouble in our social relationship until I went to a pshychologe who told me I should talk it out, and we did, after more than a few insults towards each other and the truth coming out (I did not know she had been in love with this guy even before I started dating him until I was 20 years old).
very sorry for the long text ^^
and thank you to anyone reaching the bottom.
It's highly likely that you did something towards her that isn't insignificant when you seem to think quite negatively of her and your reaction is 'go kill yourself, it would make me happier' when your sister tells you she doesn't want any social bonding with you yet is still cordial to you.
Perhaps it's best suited to have the mindset as long as she isn't venting her frustrations out on you and remaining cordial towards you then there is little to be angry about.
That means, for now at least, she is technically insane, like all teenagers.
She probably won't snap out of it until the pregnancy hormones kick in. Sad but true.
If there is genuinely no issues of abuse within the family, let her go. She'll come back like nothing every happened, and it will all just be a bad dream.
Further, she is still a child. It is up to your mother to deal with her, no doubt she is the one who pays the bills.
yes, you are going to have to move out and it is probably better that you move out - rather than your sister. My attitude is that kids are only ever given to you to bring up until they are adults and then they are the same as everyone else. If you are friends once you are all adults, then you are lucky, if not, then deal with them the same way as you deal with other people. I realise we are talking about your sister here, but the same thing applies. Just because you were all brought up by the same people or under the same roof does not make any difference in my book. :-)
If you really want to get over your anger, then something called EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) is good for all kinds of emotional issues and it removes the intensity of the feeling. It is quick and easy to learn too - and it is FREE.
Thank you all for your reactions. I can see your points of view.
I would like to note that I never said anything awful to her, the worst thing I did was think it in my mind in a stage of rage. I don't mean the things I think when I'm angered, that's why I don't say them. So I would like really appreciate some tips that focus on helping me cool those thoughts down.
I would also like to note that I'm angry because it hurts, because I care alot about my sister and miss the close relationship we used to have.
I will definitely check the EFT out.
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