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My ex has not initiated sending me a personal message in the month since he decided his feelings for me were "complicated" and sent me a breakup e-mail. For background info, basically, he was married for 19 years; his wife cheated on him; he has been divorced for 15 years; and he erected emotional barriers/defenses.
He has forwarded me a few humorous/political e-mails and liked/commented on some of my Facebook statuses, especially in the last few days. I have not initiated contact, except for one time when I slipped up. Other than that, he hasn't heard from me. I've been staying busy. I'm fairly certain he knows I've just started dating again. I know for a fact he isn't seeing anyone.
Yesterday, though, a month after the breakup, he sent me a private, personal Facebook message: "For what it's worth, I feel bad about the situation, and I'm sorry."
I responded by saying, "You made your decision, and that's fine. Water under the bridge. I'm getting on with my life. There is no malice, nothing to be sorry about." I asked him if he would gather some books he wanted to me leave at his house last time I was there and put them on his front porch Wednesday before he gets home from work. (They're out-of-print local history photo books, and I sure as hell want them back. I asked for them two weeks ago, and he said he'd get them to me but hasn't.) He responded, saying he would leave them on the porch Wednesday.
Why are his intentions in telling me a month later that he feels "bad"? (I'm not a counselor or a priest, by the way.) What did he expect me to say to his message? What does he want from me? Is this a ploy for reconciliation? Or just an egotistical attempt to expunge guilt?
Only he knows what his intentions are and I would say as soon as you get your books returned, remove him from your facebook contacts and block his emails. It was his choice to break things off so there really is no sense in contact after you get your things back from him.
Only he knows what his intentions are and I would say as soon as you get your books returned, remove him from your facebook contacts and block his emails. It was his choice to break things off so there really is no sense in contact after you get your things back from him.
I agree with this.
Either A.) he feels guilty and contacted you to try to assuage his own feelings of guilt, or B.) He found out that you are dating again and he is kicking himself.
B isn't a good thing, BTW. It means he is flighty and doesn't know what he's got until it is gone.
Be careful here. I had a boyfriend break up with me, then when he found out I was having an affair with a guy from work he went batshyt crazy. I eventually had to file harassment charges against him. Not saying everyone is as crazy as he was, but just be on the look out...
Only he knows what his intentions are and I would say as soon as you get your books returned, remove him from your facebook contacts and block his emails. It was his choice to break things off so there really is no sense in contact after you get your things back from him.
That was the only way I was able to get over my ex-gf was to cut communication. She actually was the one who deleted me and that was best thing she could do. I realized afterwards that it was not mean but necessary for us to move on. It varies among people, some exes can stay friends and think of the break up as nothing or some have to cut complete contact to move on. I am the second type of person and that is ok.
I would say it is one of two things, either 1. He misses you and regrets breaking up with you and is trying to make contact again or 2. He just feels bad how things ended and just wanted to apologize and nothing more.
If you are okay with leaving doors closed and moving on, then maybe that's what you need to do. But, if you're okay with making peace with the past and set boundaries as in physical and emotional, then friendships with ex's can be okay, especially when there is no animosity on your part.
My personal feeling about why he contacted you was he felt lonely and wanted to reach out and talk to someone, especially you, because you played a role in his life.. doesn't mean that there are other possibilities he may want to reconcile with.
Only you would eventually know the answer, and only you know if you are willing to accept the consequences either way. Emotional detachment always helps me from getting to close with an ex by keeping things nonchalant so that I can feel safe.
Only he knows what his intentions are and I would say as soon as you get your books returned, remove him from your facebook contacts and block his emails. It was his choice to break things off so there really is no sense in contact after you get your things back from him.
^^^ THIS!! Who cares what his intentions are. Its over. No reason to ponder.
A.) he feels guilty and contacted you to try to assuage his own feelings of guilt
This ^^^
And you handled it perfectly OP.
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