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King of like me with sushi, it took a few times for it to really hit home with me. Anyway, after seeing the first date deal breaker thread, I started to actually think. You know some people are just acquired taste. Some people aren't going to just blow your mind and dazzle you on the first date. Some people are those things that grow fine like wine.
I like to think I'm such a person. I don't really have much game. I'm not the best oratator, I'm definitely not the best dresser, and I really don't have the best sense of style. But when it comes to things that matter like having convictions, having values, being honest, and being able to be a strong partner, I'm awesome. But if I were to be taken at face value, forget about it. I probably have gone on more first dates that never went anywhere more than anyone on this forum. I'm not a first date, Mr. Casanova type of guy. I'm definitely one of those people you'll grow to love, not the type of guy you'll love right off the bat.
I think the dynamics of dating has killed most "acquired taste". Now I don't think I'll be single forever, but dating shouldn't be as difficut as it is. But I don't want to make this thread about me. I really want to know how women think about "acquired taste". I think most women's diffulty with men is that they see that guy who has the greatest first date presentation, and then there isn't much to him after that.
Yeah- I agree. Some people know how to put on a show- sorta like car sales people. The showmanship and grandiosity can only last for so long. Their jokes start to sound like chirping crickets.
I see it more of- if I can sense something about someone, if whether or not we click based on our interactions- on some level, I can tell if a guy is being for real.
If he's true and shy, I still give him a chance. Sometimes, there's charm to people who don't flaunt it around like a dime a dozen. I dated a guy who was a total comedian with all his friends, and his persona at home was a bit blazeh.
Introverted guys can be super attractive, especially because they're also very insightful but what I like to call, discreetly insightful. They just need to be tugged out of their shells every so often!
Edit- what we see isn't always what's cracked up to be. There's still hope- just gotta find someone who's perceptive about others.
Thanks Kate. While I DON'T think someone like me is right for every woman. I do think women who are looking for something deeper needs to not expect everything from a guy when they first meet. Certainly I do think first dates and first impressions are important, but I don't think we should run away with them like we often do.
My great auntie and uncle were NOT a item after the first date. For one my autie loved to dance, and my uncle couldn't dance a lick. My uncle really liked her, but she went out with my cousin's father, who eventually abandoned them after the baby came around. My uncle still continued to try to persue and talk to her, and he became very supportive after this. Sure my uncle couldn't dance, and he didn't have the most outgoing personality. But he raised my cousin as his own. As a matter of fact, I never knew he wasn't my cousin's biological father until I became grown. My cousin is now 59 years old, and she just got married for the 3rd time this weekend. My auntie and uncle have been married for 57 years! My uncle with his mild manner personality, his lack of great style, and his inability to dance with my very charistmatic and outgoing aunt was able to make a 57 year long marriage out of it all. He was an acquired taste, but he had all the right qualities for a suitor. Something that could not have been seen or noticed when they first met each other on the dance floor and couldn't dance.
Just seems like most women want to leave every man on the dance floor these days
King of like me with sushi, it took a few times for it to really hit home with me. Anyway, after seeing the first date deal breaker thread, I started to actually think. You know some people are just acquired taste. Some people aren't going to just blow your mind and dazzle you on the first date. Some people are those things that grow fine like wine.
I like to think I'm such a person. I don't really have much game. I'm not the best oratator, I'm definitely not the best dresser, and I really don't have the best sense of style. But when it comes to things that matter like having convictions, having values, being honest, and being able to be a strong partner, I'm awesome. But if I were to be taken at face value, forget about it. I probably have gone on more first dates that never went anywhere more than anyone on this forum. I'm not a first date, Mr. Casanova type of guy. I'm definitely one of those people you'll grow to love, not the type of guy you'll love right off the bat.
I think the dynamics of dating has killed most "acquired taste". Now I don't think I'll be single forever, but dating shouldn't be as difficut as it is. But I don't want to make this thread about me. I really want to know how women think about "acquired taste". I think most women's diffulty with men is that they see that guy who has the greatest first date presentation, and then there isn't much to him after that.
Funny, I think it tends to be the opposite. I often hear women say, "he got cuter as I got to know him," or "when we first met I didn't like him at all."
However, perhaps those women are talking about men they got to know outside of dating, first. If your first interaction with someone is a date, there are higher expectations because right there, it's a romantically or sexually charged situation. With friends, you just kind of take them as they are. You don't pin any hopes on them, nor assess them for potential chemistry or suitability as a partner.
Funny, I think it tends to be the opposite. I often hear women say, "he got cuter as I got to know him," or "when we first met I didn't like him at all."
However, perhaps those women are talking about men they got to know outside of dating, first. If your first interaction with someone is a date, there are higher expectations because right there, it's a romantically or sexually charged situation. With friends, you just kind of take them as they are. You don't pin any hopes on them, nor assess them for potential chemistry or suitability as a partner.
Yeah, in a lot of cases this tends to happen. I have noticed for people who have been together for awhile, generally the guy grows on the woman. Which is why I have learned not to sweat the dating game, or have many high expectations for it anymore. I look at dating now as a way to fill up my evening, rather than to connect with anyone at any level. I have come to realize that if I meet a woman who is down to be with me in for the long haul, it probably is unlikely to happen by dating. One issue is that I work in a more senior IT job, which doesn't have a lot of women (ok, there are none at all). I'm also pretty new to my city, so I don't know many people.
Funny, I think it tends to be the opposite. I often hear women say, "he got cuter as I got to know him," or "when we first met I didn't like him at all."
Yup!
I work with a bunch of guys, and at first I wasn't really thinking about the possibilities of dating any of them.
The ones who are most quiet and are consistently friendly, casual, genuine, and laugh at my jokes, I've noticed this odd attraction I start to feel. They're not the attention whores or ones to get game, but yes, they slowly do grow on you, because they're good guys and they make you feel warm inside.
It can happen. I personally have always liked the guys who aren't in the middle of the dance floor, but someone who I can somehow pull out and teach how to dance. Makes it 10x's more FUN! (He just can't be shuffling back and forth like he belongs in leisure world). haha. j/k
Funny, I think it tends to be the opposite. I often hear women say, "he got cuter as I got to know him," or "when we first met I didn't like him at all."
However, perhaps those women are talking about men they got to know outside of dating, first. If your first interaction with someone is a date, there are higher expectations because right there, it's a romantically or sexually charged situation. With friends, you just kind of take them as they are. You don't pin any hopes on them, nor assess them for potential chemistry or suitability as a partner.
THis is why meeting people through group activities works better for some people. The atmosphere is more relaxed, no sense of high-pressure, or anything.
Ya I would say first impressions do matter. The best option for people who are not bending backwards to impress someone or playing games on first few dates is to connect with people through some group activity clubs like hiking or biking, etc. That way the other person is getting to know you better overtime. Give them couple of weeks & few group get togethers to see the real you before you ask them out.
Not all first impression masters meet with 100% success either.
My current beau would be a bit like you Branh When we first went out I was attracted to his honesty, sense of humor and general attitude. He was "cute" but not the first guy I would have picked out of a first date line-up. 9 months later I am absolutely CRAZY about him! Go figure...
Yeah- I agree. Some people know how to put on a show- sorta like car sales people. The showmanship and grandiosity can only last for so long.
Pardon the political metaphor, it's just a metaphor-it's like the difference between a good campaigner vs. a good governor, they are two different skill sets-and a candidate may be talented at one but not the other (and people often vote for the smooth talker over the policy wonk).
More comparisons: The person with the flash & razzle dazzle (skilled at self-promotion & image management) vs. the person with the moderate, balanced, reasonable approach (who is too modest/humble to do a compelling "public relations" promo for him/her self).
The 30-second sparkler vs. the multi-hour candle, etc.
Many of us have a hard time determining when there is congruence between a book and its cover, between the outer vibe of someone and the content of their character.
It's not easy to discern which people would be worth our while to take the time to get to know (because we'd really like them a lot) vs. the people who become much less appealing as time goes on (esp. given how fabulous they seemed at first).
I agree, it's even tougher in that respect these days, when online dating (but this was true for personal ads in newspapers, too) means all one has to go on in evaluating potential partner is a few lines of text and a photo-which is rather paltry data, compared with meeting someone in person & spending 5 minutes in their company.
And that there are people (probably including me) who don't make that great an impression in the initial five minutes, but if given repeat opportunities (the big IF) could become seen as more appealing prospects. It is a quandary...
To get intellectual about it, here are couple excerpts from Daniel Kahneman's 2011 book "Thinking, Fast and Slow", which I think bear some similarity to what we're tackling (the challenges of human nature), albeit through the lens of psychology-
pg.83: "The sequence in which we observe characteristics of a person is often determined by chance. Sequence matters, however, because the halo effect increases the weight of first impressions, sometimes to the point that subsequent information is mostly wasted."
pg.406: "The focusing illusion creates a bias in favor of goods and experiences that are initially exciting, even if they will eventually lose their appeal. Time is neglected, causing experiences that will retain their attention value in the long term to be appreciated less than they deserve to be."
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