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Sounds to me like he wants to make decisions about HIS future life (grad school) on his own. And he needs time to think about these things without anyone else influencing his thoughts.
So maybe he feels if he shares anything with you, you will "pull the rug out from under him"?
i.e. ["When he started mentioning where programs were I let him know places that I might not be able or willing to go"]
Give him some "space"...
This may be part of it. If he is deciding things of a major nature like returning to school, I need to know only because I make more money than he does and am more established in my career. His going to school affects our household income as he won't be able to work full time while he goes. If he wants to go on his own and move somewhere, he certainly can make that decision, but he may be doing it alone depending on his choice. This may be what he wants-- I have no idea. But there are certain decisions he could make that would drastically affect our relationship or our lifestyle, and I only think its fair that if those are on the table, I get to speak up too.
Probably suited to either accept he can't tell you things or move on from the damaged goods and not try to be emotional support for your partner as in my observations most guys don't return the favor and begrudge it likening it to being used as an emotional tampon.
It sounds like you are being attentive and listening to him. The next time he says, "I can't tell you things" I'd say "then why are you with me?" Seriously, why is he with you if he thinks he cannot share his life and problems with you? It will probably throw him off when you say that, but I don't know how you can be in a committed relationship with anyone that feels that way.
Really.
At that point, I would just say, "Okay. I understand that you feel you can't tell me things. But I would appreciate it if you did not bring them up then. I would also appreciate it if you didn't take these things out on me. If you need space, you can have it."
Then the next time he threw one of his little tantrums, I would say that I need space, and that would be the end of that.
I mean, OP, if you are trained in crisis counseling, that's fine, but maybe you need some training in standing up for yourself, too. Just because he's dealing with something that upsets him, that doesn't mean you have to be the whipping girl. That's just b.s.
This may be part of it. If he is deciding things of a major nature like returning to school, I need to know only because I make more money than he does and am more established in my career. His going to school affects our household income as he won't be able to work full time while he goes. If he wants to go on his own and move somewhere, he certainly can make that decision, but he may be doing it alone depending on his choice. This may be what he wants-- I have no idea. But there are certain decisions he could make that would drastically affect our relationship or our lifestyle, and I only think its fair that if those are on the table, I get to speak up too.
I would tell him exactly that.
Honestly? The more I read about this guy, the more I think he's behaving like he doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore.
In that case, he can pack his things and go. I certainly wouldn't fund that behavior with my superior income, nor sacrifice my career for it.
Honestly? The more I read about this guy, the more I think he's behaving like he doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore.
In that case, he can pack his things and go. I certainly wouldn't fund that behavior with my superior income, nor sacrifice my career for it.
I have flat out asked him that, and told him that he can certainly move on if he needs to. He seemed shocked and said he hadn't meant that at all, and later brought it up as a reason I couldn't be in on the grad school discussion. I am hanging back, just observing because I really don't understand what will set him off. I actually offered to get him some referrals to therapists the other day, and he seemed more open to it than before.
I have suggested this to him but he hasn't really taken it seriously.
Recently, he started looking into grad school, which I think is great, but would require a time and financial commitment (as well as a place commitment-- we may not be able to move for a while and that would impact my career) from me while he pursued it. He didn't come and say "hey, what do you think? How will we approach this?" He just sort of assumed I would be onboard. When he started mentioning where programs were I let him know places that I might not be able or willing to go, he freaked out and said "I can't tell you anything!" He still gets set off if I mention this conversation. Now he is blaming me for giving up on the idea.
How long have you been dating? Talking about familial personal issues and relocation in pursuit of new goals is something to be discussed with a spouse, not the person you are dating. I would assume he does not view you as a potentially permanent part of his life, and that the status of your relationship as it stands right now is its peak.
Quote:
Originally Posted by confusedasusual
This may be part of it. If he is deciding things of a major nature like returning to school, I need to know only because I make more money than he does and am more established in my career. His going to school affects our household income as he won't be able to work full time while he goes. If he wants to go on his own and move somewhere, he certainly can make that decision, but he may be doing it alone depending on his choice. This may be what he wants-- I have no idea. But there are certain decisions he could make that would drastically affect our relationship or our lifestyle, and I only think its fair that if those are on the table, I get to speak up too.
Don't forget, you aren't married. Do you really want to support a man as he pursues a graduate degree, one who hasn't fully integrated you into his life? Why he won't share with you does not matter, what matters simply is that he won't.
How long have you been dating? Talking about familial personal issues and relocation in pursuit of new goals is something to be discussed with a spouse, not the person you are dating. I would assume he does not view you as a potentially permanent part of his life, and that the status of your relationship as it stands right now is its peak.
We live together. We have been together a year and a half. We relocated long distance together, were talking about starting a family. Its not like we see one another twice a week.
We live together. We have been together a year and a half. We relocated long distance together, were talking about starting a family. Its not like we see one another twice a week.
If you have lived together for 1.5 years, and he is considering relocating without taking your needs under consideration, your relationship has peaked. Talk is cheap. He would be asking you to marry him at this point if he were taking you seriously. Do you really want to financially support a man as he pursues his graduate degree when he hasn't even fully integrated you into his life?
May I ask your ages? That makes a bit of a difference too.
If you have lived together for 1.5 years, and he is considering relocating without taking your needs under consideration, your relationship has peaked. Talk is cheap. He would be asking you to marry him at this point if he were taking you seriously. Do you really want to financially support a man as he pursues his graduate degree when he hasn't even fully integrated you into his life?
May I ask your ages? That makes a bit of a difference too.
He knows I have no interest in getting married (to him or anyone), so I don't see that as an indication of seriousness. We have talked about the future and whether or not we would want to start a family. I am a bit older-- he is late 20s, I am early 30s.
He knows I have no interest in getting married (to him or anyone), so I don't see that as an indication of seriousness. We have talked about the future and whether or not we would want to start a family. I am a bit older-- he is late 20s, I am early 30s.
What about the part about financially supporting him as he pursues a graduate degree? Why did you skip that part of my post?
If you move to support him, I predict a thread from you in a couple of years: "My boyfriend dumped me after I helped put him through grad school" and then a couple of years later: "I want to start a family but all men want someone younger." Getting the boot after helping a guy this way - especially when he is younger - is so common I think of it as a cliche.
Time to move on. He doesn't share his life with you, he doesn't care about your opinion in terms of where to live. You want to have a family and your clock is ticking. He may have discussed children with you, but you can't trust what he says because you know he refuses to share with you the full story about his life and what is going on in his head. And I am not even getting into the emotional drama part.
Stick a fork in this one. You can find another man to provide you with single motherhood. An honest and open man.
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