Passive Aggressive dating behavior (boyfriend, girlfriends, women, Valentine's Day)
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Helpful advice wanted on this subject, especially from women.
Recently, I have been dating a girl who leaves me puzzled often and sends mixed signals all of the time. I am wondering if she has a passive-aggressive personality disorder. I knew nothing about P.A. behavior other than the usual stuff you hear on tv. I started researching the subject on the web the last few days, but am unable to find the information I'm looking for. I've scoured through hundreds of web-pages. PLEASE HELP!
So here's my story: We first met last summer, went on a few dates, but ultimately decided just to be friends. That whole situation is a long one, so I won't get into it right now. Anyhow, we did not speak for several months. Then out of thing air, she contacted me online and we began chatting again. Finally, after weeks of online chat we decided to hang out casually. We watched a movie and wound up having sex. Since then, we have gone on 4-5 dates, hung out a couple times, and have slept together exactly 4 times. We spent Valentine's Day together, went to a nice restaurant, and exchanged gifts and such. Needless to say I enjoy being around her.
The dates are not the problem. Its her behavior in between dates when we aren't around each other that bothers me. She seems to drop off of the radar and it is very difficult to get in touch with her. She NEVER answers or returns my phone calls. The only way I get a response is if I text message her, but she never answers right away. It typically takes an hour or longer for a response. Some texts go unanswered entirely. Sometimes she'll text me if I don't text her for consecutive days. But the conversations are brief, usually only a few texts back and forth then she drops off the grid again. Keep in mind, I am not clingy and this is not a case of me calling/texting too often. I've never had this problem with other girlfriends.
When I try to set up a date, she usually agrees and follows through. But working out the details is like pulling teeth. She takes forever to respond between texts and is very indecisive when given choices. I guess she wants me to make all of the decisions and just show up. Then once we agree on a date, she drops off the radar again for hours or days. When the date comes, I'm usually kept guessing until the last minute whether she'll show up. Although she has followed through and shown up to our dates recently, she waits until the last minute to get ready and usually winds up running 15-30 minutes late.
I have been very patient with her and I want things to work out badly. But honestly, I'm starting to become disturbed with these patterns of behavior. There seems to be a major lack of communication. I'm beginning to wonder if she's just using me for dates and sex. Or if she actually wants something serious. I was thinking of asking her to be in a relationship, but am having major hesitation now seeing these patterns continue. I need to be able to communicate with the person I'm seeing. I was told by a friend the old saying "Maybe she's just not into you". But then this girl keeps coming back for more. So there has to be something she likes about me right?
The Passive-Aggressive disorder might explain some of her behavior, but I'm not sure. It says the person has deep-seeded anger and is very negative. So far, I don't see any negative behavior being displayed. She seems very even-keeled and has lots of friends. She's a very attractive girl and has a lot going for her. But she does display the ambiguity in her chatter, and she's chronically late to dates, and she does not show anger openly at all. I'm just trying to figure this girl out before making a commitment to her. Can someone help me out here?
Location: Where ocean meets up with the naked land.
324 posts, read 573,224 times
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She's been emotionally hurt by men in her past, whether that be with her father or previous relationships and she doesn't want to become emotionally attached only to get hurt again. This isn't rocket science... It's woman science.
Typical Enneagram Nine behavior. They can't handle any stress, have repressed anger, and are very passive-aggressive at unhealthier levels. They want "peace at any price." They can become very stubborn. The phone is intrusive to them. They do not want to be controlled by other people's expectations, re: the phone. They can hide out . . .
Does it really matter if she has a disorder? Really? You can't answer that question on a message board anyway.
I think the next time you are with her ask her point blank. Tell her you like her and want an official relationship, but you want to know why she's so hard to reach. If things don't change move on. Life is too short for games. Another girl will interest you just as much and won't be so difficult.
Honestly, I think it sounds like she has another dude. Are you sure she's not living with someone else or something like that? Or maybe she's hiding it from her parents? She sounds like she has to do a lot of maneuvering just to meet up with you. I would proceed with extreme caution. You sound like the guy on the side.
What is her work or school schedule? Does she do things that prevent her from responding to your calls or texts right away? Other than that, the first thing that comes to my mind is that there is someone else and if plans fall through with that person, she hangs out with you. This isn't necessarily what's going on, but just a thought. I have had a long term boyfriend and was interested in someone else at the same time and would just text the other guy but told my boyfriend he's just a friend, which is true, but not disclosing my feelings obviously. Maybe the reason why she takes so long to respond depends on if she's with that other person at the time.
You can resign yourself to being nothing more than friend with benefits to her, which isn't really a bad thing, or just say the hell with it and move on completely. Anything else, including attempts to fix her, are almost certain to involve more misery than she is worth.
I would go with your instinct on this. If she appears indecisive she might just have a hard time being blunt and goes along with things because she can't say "no." She is very lucky that you are a decent guy.
I have been very patient with her and I want things to work out badly.
General thoughts:
-You can try to puzzle out what sort of wierd game she is playing....but the truth of the matter is that you are a doormat.
-I'm guessing you guys are in your 20's.
-She may have another guy in the picture and\or have some sort of drug problem.
In short, when she needs a meal or some companionship or whatever is convenient for her needs.....she will pay attention. Otherwise, tough luck.
Seems like she has a pretty good arrangement focused entirely upon you giving her what she wants whenever she wants it and can then put you back on the shelf until needed again.
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