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I (male) have two close friends (both male) who settled into LTR's less than a year ago. Even before they got engaged and moved in together, let alone after, I saw things that set off my spidey sense. They never went anywhere without their respective girlfriends, and still do not. I'm not talking about the usual nights out, like drinking in a bar, seeing a cover band, or even taking a dance class. I'm talking about traditional male activities, like working out in the gym or hiking on a trail. For the last year or so, every time I invited one or both friends to go somewhere, he'd say:
"Let me ask my girlfriend."
* * later same day * *
"I can't go. My girlfriend doesn't want to to go out tonight, and I can't go without her."
"You can't? We're just going to [description of innocuous activity] for an hour or two."
"I can't go without her. That's not what a relationship is about. It's about always doing things together."
"OK, see you another time." (spidey sense goes off)
This doesn't make a lick of sense to me. I'm not making my friend cheat on his girlfriend in the slightest. I just wanted to get out and take the edge off, by belting out karaoke lyrics in a bar, for example. Or even be healthy for a change and do some weightlifting, with me and him spotting each other, and go for sandwiches afterwards. But no. It's either going out together or not at all. Even to work out, which is more of an errand than fun. Needless to say, it's demotivating me from finding my own relationship. its good parts nonewithstanding. I have too much fun attending Meetup events with the quirky regulars, taking dance classes, working out, or even going for a quick jog around the block, and don't want to lose all that.
So is it weird that my friends are glued to their SO's like that, to the point of refusing to go anywhere without them? Or am I the weird one for thinking that's weird? Or are both me and my friends weird, for being extreme (on opposite ends) in our views on LTR's?
While I specified genders in my post while describing my experience, this thread is neither gender-specific nor aimed at one gender. Everyone is welcome to contribute.
Last edited by MillennialUrbanist; 12-24-2016 at 08:02 PM..
Yeah I don't know any couple like that infact any SO I've had would probably pay YOU to get me out of sight for a few hours
Personally I think it's important to have a few outside interests that doesn't involve the both of us so I couldn't live like what's mentioned above mate.
In your example maybe he just feels guilty of leaving her home alone while he's out enjoying himself perhaps?.... Or quite simply just loves spending time with her?
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MillennialUrbanist
I (male) have two close friends (both male) who settled into LTR's less than a year ago. Even before they got engaged and moved in together, let alone after, I saw things that set off my spidey sense. They never went anywhere without their respective girlfriends, and still do not. I'm not talking about the usual nights out, like drinking in a bar, seeing a cover band, or even taking a dance class. I'm talking about traditional male activities, like working out in the gym or hiking on a trail. For the last year or so, every time I invited one or both friends to go somewhere, he'd say:
"Let me ask my girlfriend."
* * later same day * *
"I can't go. My girlfriend doesn't want to to go out tonight, and I can't go without her."
"You can't? We're just going to [description of innocuous activity] for an hour or two."
"I can't go without her. That's not what a relationship is about. It's about always doing things together."
"OK, see you another time." (spidey sense goes off)
This doesn't make a lick of sense to me. I'm not making my friend cheat on his girlfriend in the slightest. I just wanted to get out and take the edge off, by belting out karaoke lyrics in a bar, for example. Or even be healthy for a change and do some weightlifting, with me and him spotting each other, and go for sandwiches afterwards. But no. It's either going out together or not at all. Even to work out, which is more of an errand than fun. Needless to say, it's demotivating me from finding my own relationship. its good parts nonewithstanding. I have too much fun attending Meetup events with the quirky regulars, taking dance classes, working out, or even going for a quick jog around the block, and don't want to lose all that.
So is it weird that my friends are glued to their SO's like that, to the point of refusing to go anywhere without them? Or am I the weird one for thinking that's weird? Or are both me and my friends weird, for being extreme (on opposite ends) in our views on LTR's?
While I specified genders in my post while describing my experience, this thread is neither gender-specific nor aimed at one gender. Everyone is welcome to contribute.
I think it's weird and your friend is a weenie. Your friend is a grown adult, no one should tell him when he can or can't go out. He's confusing his girlfriend for his mama.
Actually this isn't very uncommon and it's why a lot of couples tend to only want to befriend other couples. I pretty much always lost a friend when she got in a relationship because at that point everything became about her boyfriend so we drifted apart until they broke up and she needed a friend again.
Dynamics in people's lives changes which of course will effect other areas of their life such as friendships, family associations, etc. it's not a wright or wrong and perfectly normal. As when you get to that point in your life, things will change for you too.
"I can't go without her. That's not what a relationship is about. It's about always doing things together."
Yeah, he's wrong there. It's healthy and normal to have interests (or hang out with friends) without always involving your SO. I don't know your friend, but I get the sense he might be whipped by his girlfriend.
Or, maybe his girlfriend tells him he can go without her, but still doesn't want to.
Also, you could be in a relationship, and still do all that stuff you mentioned. Just find a woman that doesn't mind you having your alone time and interests.
Last edited by NewYorker11356; 12-24-2016 at 08:27 PM..
Actually this isn't very uncommon and it's why a lot of couples tend to only want to befriend other couples. I pretty much always lost a friend when she got in a relationship because at that point everything became about her boyfriend so we drifted apart until they broke up and she needed a friend again.
Dynamics in people's lives changes which of course will effect other areas of their life such as friendships, family associations, etc. it's not a wright or wrong and perfectly normal. As when you get to that point in your life, things will change for you too.
Sorry, but to me, that's a cop out. If they were "true" friends, then that stuff about having kids, or being in a relationship wouldn't matter. Granted, there'd be less free time and what not, but true friends would make it work somehow.
I cherish the acquaintances/friends I have, and hope to have them in my life until I die (regardless of whether I'm in a relationship, married with kids, etc.).
This is the way some people choose to conduct their relationships.
What some people label as "being whipped" or "being controlled", is how some people choose to conduct their relationships.
Quote:
Originally Posted by NewYorker11356
It's healthy and normal to have interests (or hang out with friends) without always involving your SO. I don't know your friend, but I get the sense he might be whipped by his girlfriend.
Sure it's "healthy" and "normal", if that's what the people in the relationship want to do.
IME only, when people do this it's only an excuse for the fact that they really didn't want to go running around the town with Mr. Single and Way Way Fun in the first place. Such people are truly happy being homebodies but are sick of Mr. Way Fun rolling his eyes and shaming them over it, so they give some vague "I can't go out without Suzie" wave-away even if when they brought it up to Suzie, Suzie said, "No, babe, go out, have some fun."
Again, JME. Weird coincidence though that this is plural. What are the odds? ALL these friends are unbelievably whipped, simultaneously?
Find some single friends, OP. Your friends are happy. OTOH you obviously disapprove of them. So putting that all together, you are simply no longer a match. Friends grow apart, sometimes.
IME only, when people do this it's only an excuse for the fact that they really didn't want to go running around the town with Mr. Single and Way Way Fun in the first place. Such people are truly happy being homebodies but are sick of Mr. Way Fun rolling his eyes and shaming them over it, so they give some vague "I can't go out without Suzie" wave-away even if when they brought it up to Suzie, Suzie said, "No, babe, go out, have some fun."
Again, JME. Weird coincidence though that this is plural. What are the odds? ALL these friends are unbelievably whipped, simultaneously?
Find some single friends, OP. Your friends are happy. OTOH you obviously disapprove of them. So putting that all together, you are simply no longer a match. Friends grow apart, sometimes.
Merry Christmas.
I 100% agree with this! and it's precisely why people in relationships mates tend to not want them hanging out with single friends because a lot of the time it is a hidden agenda that lies somewhere. Because the one that's single doesn't get or understand why the person in the relationship considers their mate before deciding to do something.
It has nothing to do about control or being whipped but I'm not going to do anything that makes my spouse uncomfortable period. What is the guy going to gain buy meeting you at a bar having drinks being around single women? That environment benefits you not him, so it shouldn't be a red flag that it's not something he wants to do and I'm willing to bet that it more than likely has nothing to do with his lady not approving, he just doesn't see the point in him going.
Not to mention what happens when you're chatting up a lady and she's there with a friend and now the guy is there feeling awkward as it'll be rude to not engaged with the other lady that's just standing there while you chat up her friend. Not a ideal situation for him to be in so if you want to hangout and do single guy things then find likeminded single guys to do it with.
Most guys in a relationship is not going to want to go and watch you try to pick up women. That's one of the great things about being in a relationship is no longer being on the prowl and participating in such behaviors. In which case your friend is probably counting the days you finally grow up and get tired of being "that guy" because after awhile it certainly becomes played out and you look pathetic.
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