Relationships-I want one, but have a difficult ex..TIPS? (dating, wife, boyfriend)
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Hello. I am sure someone out there can give me some helpful advice.
My ex husband is what one would term a "punitive narcissist". He is very immature, childish and after I made the decision to dump him he became extremely punitive. Before my ex knew I was going to dump him he had hit me, bullied the children and I and hit my child. He did not hit us more than that one day each... but once is enough. At another date he had threatened to kill me while beating a door down and also another incident he threatened to kill himself in my favorite spot for meditation, my sacred location. I forgave him but was still afraid of him after he hit me and he begged me never to tell saying it would ruin our business. He promised it would never happen again. Several years later he hit my child who had just turned 8 years old. That was worse than hitting me again. I filed for divorce after that incident. Unfortunately, I did not understand the kind of person I was dealing with. I did not know what a punitive narcissist was. So even though while married he was having temper tantrums and scaring us all.. he became diabolical and had an absolute desire to destroy me in court, slander me with a smear campaign, tried to distance me from all my friends, ruin my career and take the children away. Boy do I wish I were exaggerating. I am not in the least exaggerating.
Anyway.. I am a very kind person who just wants to go out and have fun and FORGET about that Arse.
But unfortunately, I am forced by the court to share custody with the guy.
So.. here I am... I have been divorced a few years and I want to meet a wonderful kind and fun loving man.
I am cute enough, but well over 40 with 2 kids. I used to have a great many opportunities when single because I am fun loving and popular... but now I have found that the last 3 men I dated have dumped me because of my ex husband, literally.
I am not sure how much of it is that when they find out I put up with the ex for many years after he hit me the first time and did not stand up for myself to the bully.... if that is too troubling to them...
or if it is mainly that my ex tries again and again to continually abuse me by dragging me to court and trying to keep the children away from me, trying to engage in petty squabbles, etc.
I would love to go no contact on the narcissist but with the children it is impossible. One of my recent beaus was literally afraid of the ex, that he might come after me or him.
The ex husband started off denying me the divorce and trying to force me to stay married to him. He still wants to control me at all times and wants to try to make me grovel for every request. That is the kind of person he has become. When I am around my ex I feel nauseous and so dirty like I cannot was the ICK off...
It is difficult to parent young kids and play the court's game of only say nice things about their father.
ANYWAY... I have a date, a first date with an apparently nice guy. I do not want to tell him why we divorced. I do not want to talk about my ex at all, ever ... but I understand that is unrealistic. I want to protect the new man that I date from any complaining, or the stress of me having to deal with an emotionally unstable ex.
IF the relationship gets serious, I need a very light and easygoing and FUN man to counterpoint the stress I am sure to be dealing with regarding the ex emotionally manipulating my children.
I am really looking for a kind and compassionate stepdad who is masculine and wise. But I really don't want him in the play-by-play of the ex and his drama. I am really wanting no contact with the ex, but also guidance for my children from a step dad in dealing with their raw emotions from being manipulated by a nutcase.
My ex, for instance, will say weird stuff to the kids like "how would you like it if I just decided not to feed you?" when he is mad at them because they briefly upon waking early in the morning forgot it was HIS GROWNUP BIRTHDAY... so what .. the kids just woke up, already wrapped a gift days ago.. and were tired.
This "man" is not a grown up... he is a narcissist.
So... I want a man who can hear that kind of story from my kids if need be and provide warm, caring concern... but I don't want to be giving my new man a play by play. I do not want the stress of it, I wish the narcissist would move to Singapore. But... I am a bit stuck with it, trying to handle the stress and practicing a lot of calming techniques. But for my new man.... I do not want to give him that stress.
Can ANYONE give me advice as to how you dealt with an extremely difficult ex and how you protect your new relationship. I want the new relationship to be about love and playfulness and wisdom... and the future not the crazy from the past.
HELP? ADVICE!! Also is it okay to not disclose too much. The ex's mental illness is not my fault and is not my children's fault.
Last edited by SparklingSmile; 05-09-2014 at 05:49 AM..
Reason: stuff
H Befor my ex knew I was going to dump him he had hit me, bullied the children and I and hit my child. He did not hit us more than that one day each... but once is enough. At another date he had threatened to kill me
I would love to go no contact on the narcissist but with the children it is impossible. One of my recent beaus was literally afraid of the ex, that he might come after me or him.
I am really looking for a kind and compassionate stepdad who is masculine and wise. But I really don't want him in the play-by-play of the ex and his drama.
So... I want a man who can hear that kind of story from my kids if need be and provide warm, caring concern... but I don't want to be giving my new man a play by play. I do not want the stress of it, I wish the narcissist would move to Singapore. But... I am a bit stuck with it, trying to handle the stress and practicing a lot of calming techniques. But for my new man.... I do not want to give him that stress.
Can ANYONE give me advice as to how you dealt with an extremely difficult ex and how you protect your new relationship. I want the new relationship to be about love and playfulness and wisdom... and the future not the crazy from the past.
HELP? ADVICE!! Also is it okay to not disclose too much. The ex's mental illness is not my fault and is not my children's fault.
Last sentence is very true. However, just because the mental illness is not your fault, doesn't mean you should drag another person in this whole mess.
I hope I don't sound very harsh, but you have heard stories that jealous ex killed ex wife's new boyfriend, right? I have experienced one of those stories when I was in college, (one of my good friend was killed by new girlfriend's ex boyfriend) Three lives ruined, and nothing good came out of it.
I think you should do some research about mental illnesses. I don't mean to play armchair psychologist here, but my guess is that your ex husband perhaps suffers from borderline personality disorder. When he threatened to kill you, you should get a Restraining Order immediately. There are a LOT OF men and women get extremely NASTY when they feel they are going to lose the relationships. It is not love, it is the ultimate power game, the ultimate manipulation, they are never capable of love, all they are capable of doing is pure hatred.
Don't be so selfish, you are in no position of having another man in your life simply because your ex is abusive and is a lunatic. You and your children are also in danger. Why not talking to a professional?
I wish you some good luck. Your first and foremost priority is the safety of yourself and your children. I am not very sure a new romantic relationship can fix it for you.
It was 12 years ago that my ex threatened to kill me. He has not tried it.
I am in a domestic violence support group. He has narcissistic personality disorder.
He stays within the law, knows it well and gets off on scaring me.
But I no longer believe he will actually try and hurt me, he is just a bully coward.
i do not think that he is a danger to a new relationship physically. I have a close friend who is a SWAT team guy who is an expert in real violent people and he told me not to be afraid of my ex, he is just a disgusting bully who enjoys a power trip.
He bullied a little kid after all.... he is a total disgusting coward. He is into mind games to make me think he may be violent. The years have proven that he is not serious, just a bully into power trips. He has a VERY VERY prestigious public job that he won't risk.
YOU SAID "Don't be so selfish, you are in no position of having another man in your life simply because your ex is abusive and is a lunatic. " I think I have been bullied enough ... and telling me I am in "no position" to have another man in my life.. Really, blame the victim... IF nearly 1/4 of all women have been bullied should they all be sidelined forever from relationships? Have you read the statistics? I bet you know 5 people who are secretly bullied in their relationship, especially if they are high up in a church where everyone is afraid to report it.
I am not selfish for wanting a relationship. I am kind and nice and already gave up 20 years of a relationship.
I do intend to protect the peace of mind of the new man. Apparently no one wants to hear about the ex... he is just too bizarre in his attacks on me.. which are mostly in court and stupid threats.
So hopefully someone who has compassion and some tips, someone who has been through this can give me some advice. I don't need to be told by anyone to live alone the rest of my life because maybe someone who never has tried to physically hurt me since he knows he is being watched by the court MIGHT someday try and hurt me.
And I MIGHT die in a tornado. I do not like going online with real problems because people love to take all hope out of life and not be the least bit supportive.
I did not say a relationship will fix anything... I want to laugh and join the human race and share my joy and sense of humor with a man. I have already been through therapy.
When I posted something about this before several people who believe themselves to be do-gooders said I should never be allowed a relationship because of my ex, just like you apparently think. Well.. if you have kids I hope when they grow up they don't have kids with a bully.. I would not wish that upon anyone. If I am ever in any way hurt then I have many many friends that would immediately make sure my ex is questioned. I think it would be way too dangerous for him to try ever to really hurt me because he has a judge, a custody evaluator, my attorney, hundreds of my friends, his former friends, his neighbors, my neighbors and many others watching him. He lives the fancy life with the fancy people and makes a good salary at a good job and is a member of high society clubs.
He won't risk it... but it also won't stop him from ENJOYING control games. The point is he gets off on witholding my privileges... like time with my children, child support, like things that belong to me he still has.. anything he can do to try and make me grovel for time with my children especially he will and he gets off on the power.
But he cannnot get actually violent again. He would be caught immediately and lose his status. That is like death for a narcissist. He thinks he is the big cheese.
Last edited by SparklingSmile; 05-09-2014 at 07:31 AM..
I have heard time and again the same story in the domestic violence support group.... these guys are the same... the enjoy the game. I don't want to play. I don't want a new relationship to worry about it... it is not my game.
So.. if anyone has survived this crap with her sense of humor in tact... please share your tips on how to protect your new man from the sometimes constant bulloney skirmishes that the rejected narcissistic ex tries to start.... the mind game he is playing and the witholding the kids and all of that.. any control he can grab..
Last edited by PJSaturn; 05-10-2014 at 12:18 PM..
Reason: Edited at OP's request.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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12 years and this is still a chain hanging around you... no thank you! There are way too many awesome women that are on very good terms with their exes to be willing to deal with this crud. Until he is 100% out of your life, no freaking way...
But the only real tip is that you shouldn't have to protect any person you're dating from anyone. That's just insane. Your relationship with your ex is your issue. Your new relationship with whoever you're dating is between you and that person. I see a ven diagram with polygons that do not overlap one little bit between the new man and the ex. It needs to be a completely non issue.
Snip: Previously deleted. I have heard time and again the same story in the domestic violence support group.... these guys are the same... the enjoy the game. I don't want to play. I don't want a new relationship to worry about it... it is not my game.
So.. if anyone has survived this crap with her sense of humor in tact... please share your tips on how to protect your new man from the sometimes constant bulloney skirmishes that the rejected narcissistic ex tries to start.... the mind game he is playing and the witholding the kids and all of that.. any control he can grab..
I am so sorry that you have to go through this. But I think your ex husband is still very dangerous. 12 years ago you ended your relationship and he is still THIS obsessed with you, that is insane.
"He has a VERY VERY prestigious public job that he won't risk."
Consult a lawyer. See in what situations you can record him legally. Once you have his crazy on tape, well... Find out where the line is between warning someone and blackmailing them.
Honestly, I'm not sure I understand how this guy has any visitation rights or hasn't been forced to have a mental health eval.
How much hardball did you play during the divorce? Did you document everything? ARE you documenting everything now?
Every off-kilter comment, every late payment, every late appearance, every complaint from the kids should be on paper. It doesn't matter if what he does is ILLEGAL. Emotional abuse is perfectly legal, but you can still lose your kids over it if there's another parent in the picture. Plus, your kids should be old enough by now to vocalize the fact that they don't want to spend time with their father.
There are way too many awesome women that are on very good terms with their exes to be willing to deal with this crud. Until he is 100% out of your life, no freaking way...
Timberline... I hear what you are saying... but I also think that maybe this good terms with the ex for most of these women may be an act.
That is kind of my point. I am thinking about trying that... act like he does not bother me, then follow it with behavior like he does not bother me in order to protect the relationship and peace of mind of the new guy.
That is exactly what I want feedback on. I would love more of your opinion on that.
I've been looking around the internet, and costs for psych evaluations are nowhere near $15K. The max I've been able to find is $5K. You also don't need a lawyer to take him to court when he's late with court-ordered payments. And there's no reason not to be documenting everything - it sets a background if he ever escalates. You strongly suspect he is capable of something terrible - it will help to have a record of exactly WHAT he is doing.
Has he ever actually harassed anyone you were dating? Or are these guys just freaking out with nothing happening?
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