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while some families are undoubtedly egalitarian in terms of spouses , other families are ones in which one spouse is clearly the leader. While in many cases, a non-egalitarian family where one spouses functions as the leader can have difficulties, in some cases it can work out great. There are many cases where one spouse is just more qualified to be the leader. I have seen it work out both in some male led households and in some female led households. In fact, subjectively some of the greatest households have been female led households, where the wife has both the logical intelligence and intuition to make great big picture decisions, to choose the house and such, make long term and short term plans, negotiate with others, make the final decision, delegate tasks, inspire and motivate others and verbally inspire. Some of these women who lead everyone including their husband had the leadership ability to be president of the US or a CEO, it seems. That led, there are also some great traditional patriarchal family. So for those on this board, growing up, was your family traditional patriarchal, female led, or egalitarian? Additionally, based on your experience, would you prefer:
1. A egalitarian marriage.
2. A traditional patriarchal marriage where the husband is the leader of the wife and kids and a man with world class leadership ability.
3. A marriage where the wife has world class leadership ability and is the leader of the husband and kids.
My parents never married and never so much as lived together but they are in a relationship. I feel as though they worked together in raising me though with me going to my mom to ask permission mostly cause I lived with her and was closer.
If I were to think in terms of marriage and what I want? Mutuality and supportiveness in parenting. The person I imagine myself marrying, I'm sure has a different upbringing than I do, but I would like for them to be supportive of me in my decision making as I'd like to be supportive of them.
Mine was a typical traditional patriarchal upbringing thru the 60's and 70's. My father was the breadwinner and mom a homemaker. Since dad made the money he was the king, controlled the money, made the decisions. Although my mother never said so, I could sense by the age of 6 that she was not truly happy as an extension of and servant to her husband and kids although she was a excellent, loving mother and they were married until death did they part.
I knew at the age of 6 that I could never be financially dependent on a man and live the life my mother did. Living my young adult life in the rural southern Baptist Bible belt proved hard for me marriage wise being liberated and independent. I of course prefer an egalitarian marriage but even being an educated wife that brings home 1/2 + of the bacon, culture and societal norms strongly influenced even the most private of institutions towards a patriarchal structure.
Things had changed for the better by marriage #2 and it was an egalitarian marriage but I think #3 will have to be me in the leadership role.
My mom was a stay at home mom and never worked outside of the house, just for my father's businesses. I grew up with the best parents in the world...my mom was sweet as pie and my dad was super dependable and would do anything for us.
However, growing up and watching her ask for things and to be totally dependent on one person was mind blowing to me. Also I could tell while she was content, she wanted more out of life. I told myself I would never, ever, ever want to be in that position. It gave me motivation to bust my behind in school to get good grades etc.
Now I'm in my mid-30's in a happy long-term relationship but we have our own condos (neither one of us is interested in marriage or children) and totally dependent on myself financially. Life's good and I am very thankful.
There was no leader in my house. Both of my parents spent unquantifiable amounts of time abusing one another (physically, emotionally, and verbally) throughout my childhood. There was no example to be lead in my home.
That being said, I thank God that I have a healthy view of marriage and relationships, in spite of them. I do still want my future husband to be the leader in my home. This doesn't mean that everthing will go his way. But rather, through careful discussion and consideration, the final decision regarding major issues in our home will be led/made by him. And, I'll be completely fine with that.
I also grew up in the 60s and 70s with a traditional home, Dad worked, Mum stayed home. I hated the fact she was dependent on my Dad and none of my relationships have followed suit. I have always maintained my financial independence except for a brief period of time when my children were very young. I have also had relationships with men who were supportive of my desire for an egalitarian partnership, a couple more so than one in particular.
My parent's marriage had a profound effect on how my future relationships were going to be. I also grew up in a time of the growing influence of feminism. Not seeing that in my Mother made me want equality even more for myself.
while some families are undoubtedly egalitarian in terms of spouses , other families are ones in which one spouse is clearly the leader. While in many cases, a non-egalitarian family where one spouses functions as the leader can have difficulties, in some cases it can work out great. There are many cases where one spouse is just more qualified to be the leader. I have seen it work out both in some male led households and in some female led households. In fact, subjectively some of the greatest households have been female led households, where the wife has both the logical intelligence and intuition to make great big picture decisions, to choose the house and such, make long term and short term plans, negotiate with others, make the final decision, delegate tasks, inspire and motivate others and verbally inspire. Some of these women who lead everyone including their husband had the leadership ability to be president of the US or a CEO, it seems. That led, there are also some great traditional patriarchal family. So for those on this board, growing up, was your family traditional patriarchal, female led, or egalitarian? Additionally, based on your experience, would you prefer:
1. A egalitarian marriage.
2. A traditional patriarchal marriage where the husband is the leader of the wife and kids and a man with world class leadership ability.
3. A marriage where the wife has world class leadership ability and is the leader of the husband and kids.
I was raised primarily by a single mother. My dad was in and out of my life, mostly out, until I was an adult.
The takeaways I have from my upbringing are the importance of autonomy and self-reliance. My mother worked her way through school, earning a Masters and a PhD while working and raising me.
I took a different romantic path, staying in the same committed relationship for many years. In a lot of ways I think it's good that my experiences in this department don't mirror my upbringing--I didn't bring anything to the table by way of preconceived notion of how a relationship "should" be, it was how I wanted it to be, and how I wanted to be in it.
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