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It's been a week and a half since I left my boyfriend. I acted suddenly, his last request of me bringing to light many irritations and questions I had on my mind the entire year and a half we were speaking. I went to his house, cleared out my stuff and left a note and a key. Then I went home and changed my own lock combination just in case his rage caused him to wish harm on me or my dog. It was a cruel way to act, but I did it out of fear and confusion. I was afraid I couldn't face him without crying or making him mad.
I loved him, and still do. He has told me he doesn't love me, and hasn't really loved anyone and I believe he may be clinically incapable of a true love/partnership outside of what it benefits him. I am no stranger to people with emotional problems so was able to pinpoint his quickly. I know in my head that I should seek out someone who can partner with me and love me back and not focus on pouring water into a broken pot.
Everyone says to just cut him out of my life - stat. No talking, no writing, no contact. But how? I spend a good portion of every day still wondering how he is and if he is actually doing his dishes and staying warm, or if he's talking to any other women and if someday he'll find somebody who can get him to help himself out of his own shell. Someone he CAN love.
How can I cut someone out when I love them so much? Even when he has said he doesn't love me; even though I can literally make a list of the times he's been unwittingly cruel and downright frightening. Did I imagine the softness and the care?
I have two friends who were married to/in long term relationships with similar men and they say I must run and not look back, that I cannot be friends and I cannot communicate at all - that I must let the past die.
But I don't know how and I just can't. I'm still willing to sacrifice so much for this one egotistical man who belittled so much of who I am and what I love.
But the idea of not having him close, of not writing to him almost every day and not seeing that rare glimpse of softness and tenderness on his face -- it's killing me.
I know he can take care of himself. He has a good job with a great salary, is intelligent and capable of many things (except maybe social graces). But I was the one caring for the house and his health and his surroundings, caring for his heart when he seemed so much not to want to be alive.
It would be so much easier if I could just hate him, but even looking at a list of things he did to make me cry...I still cannot detest this man! I cannot!
How do I say goodbye to my first love without creating a hole that won't heal?
Pardon my wordiness. I am slightly buzzed and this day has been fraught with emotional lows. This is my first experience with loving a man, not being "in love with" or having a crush on, but "loving"...loving in the sense that no matter what, I will always want the best for him.
(insert various emotional expletives)
/overlyemotionalsoapbox
It's been a week and a half since I left my boyfriend. I acted suddenly, his last request of me bringing to light many irritations and questions I had on my mind the entire year and a half we were speaking. I went to his house, cleared out my stuff and left a note and a key. Then I went home and changed my own lock combination just in case his rage caused him to wish harm on me or my dog. It was a cruel way to act, but I did it out of fear and confusion. I was afraid I couldn't face him without crying or making him mad.
I loved him, and still do. He has told me he doesn't love me, and hasn't really loved anyone and I believe he may be clinically incapable of a true love/partnership outside of what it benefits him. I am no stranger to people with emotional problems so was able to pinpoint his quickly. I know in my head that I should seek out someone who can partner with me and love me back and not focus on pouring water into a broken pot.
Everyone says to just cut him out of my life - stat. No talking, no writing, no contact. But how? I spend a good portion of every day still wondering how he is and if he is actually doing his dishes and staying warm, or if he's talking to any other women and if someday he'll find somebody who can get him to help himself out of his own shell. Someone he CAN love.
How can I cut someone out when I love them so much? Even when he has said he doesn't love me; even though I can literally make a list of the times he's been unwittingly cruel and downright frightening. Did I imagine the softness and the care?
I have two friends who were married to/in long term relationships with similar men and they say I must run and not look back, that I cannot be friends and I cannot communicate at all - that I must let the past die.
But I don't know how and I just can't. I'm still willing to sacrifice so much for this one egotistical man who belittled so much of who I am and what I love.
But the idea of not having him close, of not writing to him almost every day and not seeing that rare glimpse of softness and tenderness on his face -- it's killing me.
I know he can take care of himself. He has a good job with a great salary, is intelligent and capable of many things (except maybe social graces). But I was the one caring for the house and his health and his surroundings, caring for his heart when he seemed so much not to want to be alive.
It would be so much easier if I could just hate him, but even looking at a list of things he did to make me cry...I still cannot detest this man! I cannot!
How do I say goodbye to my first love without creating a hole that won't heal?
Pardon my wordiness. I am slightly buzzed and this day has been fraught with emotional lows. This is my first experience with loving a man, not being "in love with" or having a crush on, but "loving"...loving in the sense that no matter what, I will always want the best for him.
(insert various emotional expletives)
/overlyemotionalsoapbox
But the idea of not having him close, of not writing to him almost every day and not seeing that rare glimpse of softness and tenderness on his face -- it's killing me.
/overlyemotionalsoapbox
He has turned you into a dog begging for scraps. Aren't you worth more than that?
Allot yourself a number of days to grieve the relationship - say 5 days. Wallow like a pig in the memories. After those 5 days are up, pack up pictures, keepsakes, whatever, and start making new memories. Go out with friends, go out alone, make plans for the future. Love yourself more than you love him.
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