Marrying a man w/kid when own parents never divorced (dating, girlfriend)

[carrchan]

I understand that I live in America where the divorce rate is extremely high and am aware of how much these statistics do not take into account how many single parent homes were formed out of wedlock. If you think about it, this is a huge population of children now adults that come from broken families hoping to make relationships last with no real example of how to make that happen.

I bring this up only because I am seeking some relationship advice. I am 24 if it matters. I am with a guy who when we met did not have any children. We were in high school and were best friends but I moved away for a while. When I came back he was in a relationship with this woman so I backed off and we went our separate ways. Eventually we found each other again and started dating but by this time he had a 10 month old and his ex was now his baby-mama. I absolutely want to be with him, even marry him and have kids of our own, but he is hesitant in progressing our relationship and finds it difficult to deal with having a gf, a kid and a baby-mama. With him having such difficulty I also have my own reservations about the whole situation.

Here is my point of view. My parents have been together since the early 80's. I have seen them go through everything together from everyday fights to poverty to drug abuse and every single time they recover because of the strength of their relationship and commitment to one another. Without their commitment to each other, trusting someone was there for them to love them and not give up on them, I do not think they would have survived. I look at him and his ex's life and see the reasons they give about them breaking up and i feel like I shouldn't trust making big decisions with him knowing that I want what my parents have and knowing that he has no idea what that kind of relationship entails. They made a kid together and broke up because they didn't LIKE each other anymore? That seems so fickle to me who has seen people get over hating one another because of the commitment they made to not just their kids but to each other. Relationships are work. Having a kid to me is much more of a commitment than just marriage and if we had kids and got married then I was left because he didn't LIKE me anymore, I would be heart broken.

I've never loved anyone as much as I love him nor through my experiences have ever thought anyone would be a better match for me, but with him having a kid and how easily he fells he can just leave someone like that, is the love of my life worth the risk? How can I trust him to be a good husband and father when his dad was never around and abusive to both him and his mom when he was around? I know there are plenty of men who use it to know what not to do, but he broke up with his baby-mama while she was going through her pregnancy. If he couldn't stick with her through that, can I trust him to go through the same thing with me? With all of this in my mind and how much I love him for him, I really think it would be better if he worked out his relationship with his baby-mama and raised their kid together. Like I said though, this is coming from someone who's parents are still together after 30 years of going through some real soul changing experiences. I have so much respect for my parents.

Are there any suggestions? Mainly I want to talk about how to continue with this relationship with both him and his son and maybe seeing things from his point of view better. Maybe even talk about the love dynamic between people with married parents and people without. Thanks!

[The Dissenter]

As a kid of a broken home of the same age, I hate to tell you this but in life can happen and leaving a marriage is the best option sometimes. My father got messed up on alcohol abuse and mom divorced him when I was 3 for my sake. Mom says there was no way I could be entrenched in that situation in the household and come out ok. I'd never be with a girl who looked at me as "damaged goods" like that because I ended up in a up situation that I didn't create and my mother did the best thing she could for my best interest. If you are going to judge your bf like that, dont waste his time, if he is actively doing right by his kid, he does not deserve judgement for leaving a situation you didn't see unfold fully.

[JrzDefector]

Take your time in the relationship. He's hesitant, and that's a GOOD thing. Get to know each other. Don't rush it. You're 24. You don't need to have kids right away. Treat his child right, expect him to prioritize that child and observe how he behaves.

I broke up with the love of my life because he treated me great, but was a pretty inconsistent father. I don't even necessarily want kids, but I couldn't be with someone who didn't prioritize their children.

Oh, and if you don't wanna be just another baby mama, insist on using effective birth control. A condom and the pill are my preferred methods. If he doesn't like, ask him how he'd like another child support payment? Wait to have kids until you have a relationship that's on solid ground and a marriage license.

[purehuman]

It seems weird to me that you say you love this guy so much, and you'd be "heart-broken" if he left you with a child...yet that's exactly what he just did with his ex girlfriend...isn't it?..I'd have a hard time getting past that myself.

[dragon_fly_12]

Originally Posted by JrzDefector

Wait to have kids until you have a relationship that's on solid ground and a marriage license.

Who defines ^^ that as the recipe for success? I was married 6 years, together 8 years, when we had our son - and now an early 30's divorcee and single parent with an absentee father by my son's 1st birthday. This part is not guaranteeing success.


OP -- To answer your questions, don't look at what he has DONE, but more what he is DOING. And, for your own sake, don't idealize your own parent's marriage. Their success is based on what sounds like a co-dependent dysfunction - is that true love?

People make poor decisions and pregnancy happens between two people that are not good mates at all. Unfortunately, this is a fact of life. I can't explain why humans are so stupid in this context, but .. they are.

There was a point in her pregnancy that "THEY" (not just him, takes 2 to tango) decided they were not a good match and split directions. In a lot of ways, this decision is for the better of the child - a child does not deserve to grow up in a household where the parents hate each other and it only continues the trend of teaching poor relationship skills.

Now, there is a good possibility that the decision to split was based off superficial BS they could have worked through. And this would be where maturity steps in. One or both parties either have it - or, they don't. Huge factor.

So, what is your BF now DOING to show he is changing the tide to become a better person and partner? Has he learned from his past mistakes? Is he growing up and maturing into a better man? THOSE are the items you need to look at.