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Ask a friend to practice with you. It's something that takes practice if it doesn't come naturally. Also, think about some topics you could ask and talk about before you go on the date. It helps to think about what conversation you might have instead of winging it.
not sure where you live in sweden but i would be surprised if they didn't have it in places like stockholm since it's pretty common in metro areas here in the US. but maybe you're right, it could be a USA thing or even just a east and west coast USA thing as far as I know
i can't really describe the other approaches but adhom already put it pretty well (there's no set rules, etc)
also you have to actually care about their responses to the open ended questions and follow them up accordingly and well. i wonder if that's part of the problem here (not being accusatory, really just wondering if that's part of the problem and you seem just a little bit disconnected/judgmental of these gals)
Well I'm usually more naive than judgemental towards women, but yes finding good follow-ups is a problem.
I ask her something, she answers, I replay it in my head and think "Oh **** what part of that answer am I supposed to pick up on now?"
Well I'm usually more naive than judgemental towards women
well it's just this. you basically sexted a total stranger and went over to her house based solely on her looks ("I definatly liked what I saw"). you related to her primarily through her looks. (i wouldn't be surprised if 9/10 of men she encounters do this)
and then you're disappointed when much of her conversation revolves around her looks. how could you expect otherwise? to me, this is equal parts judgment and naivete (i mean judgment literally, you judged she was not good for you - not that you thought she was a sl*t or something)
maybe she was just a vapid pretty girl. maybe there was a lot more there waiting to be discovered. who knows. i'm just pointing out that when you relate someone in a one dimensional manner, it shouldn't be disappointing when they relate back in same way
also, i'm not saying it's your responsibility to find out the rest of her personality. if she has other good traits she should be advertising them as well. (at least if she wants more than a ONS)
just be aware that how you interact affects both directions of communication
on a side note, when it that situation, if you really want to get laid, just fake a hell of a lot more enthusiasm. you probably won't be *faking* it for long. this gal sensed you were lukewarm and responded accordingly by limiting things to a kiss
Perhaps you are overanalyzing a bit? I would suggest a more 'go with the flow' type of attitude towards the whole deal. You dont have to ask the right question at the right time, or say only appropriate things. Just ease up a bit and relaz about it. Guys tend to be alot less emotional, so something that could help you some is introducing emotions into conversations with women. Instead of just describing a scene or a situation, try to explain the emotions involved, and women usualy can relate to this angle much better. So instead of saying, "I went on vacation to bora bora and thaught it was great", try saying "I went on vacation to bora bora, and it made me feel very relaxed and i felt more at peace than i have in a long while" and then expand on those emotions and feelings. AN example of something that can be used as you are getting to know a woman, is asking her to close her eyes, and tell you about her last vacation spot or her favorite place on earth. You will evoke positive emotions, she will often smile and it will relate to the conversation with you. This is only one tiny example but i hope you catch the drift. Change your conversations from more logical/rational/factual to more positive and emotional, and it will definitely keep her interested.
Relax! When I was single, I made a point of not taking myself too seriously. I have an accent and after answering I'm English again and again (not just dating but at work etc), sometimes I picked places that I'm obviously not from. Mongolia, Mexico, The Hood. Some dates would help me come up with funnier places. Or talk about movies I saw recently. Or my latest social blunder. Or my paranoia that there is a conspiracy among men to confuse the hell out of me.
I found the sooner I relaxed and enjoyed myself, the sooner my date relaxed and it was easier to get them to talk about themselves. Because I can't keep up entertaining conversation for very long.
Maybe your date was really superficial. Or maybe she was really nervous, tripped on the stupid mat and mindless prattle just kept spilling out and she was helpless to make it stop. It's called babbling. I've babbled when I'm nervous and worse still, I'm guaranteed to have nothing intelligent to say when it happens. There is only one cure for babbling. Someone has to convince me to shut up and change the subject.
well it's just this. you basically sexted a total stranger and went over to her house based solely on her looks ("I definatly liked what I saw"). you related to her primarily through her looks. (i wouldn't be surprised if 9/10 of men she encounters do this)
and then you're disappointed when much of her conversation revolves around her looks. how could you expect otherwise? to me, this is equal parts judgment and naivete (i mean judgment literally, you judged she was not good for you - not that you thought she was a sl*t or something)
maybe she was just a vapid pretty girl. maybe there was a lot more there waiting to be discovered. who knows. i'm just pointing out that when you relate someone in a one dimensional manner, it shouldn't be disappointing when they relate back in same way
also, i'm not saying it's your responsibility to find out the rest of her personality. if she has other good traits she should be advertising them as well. (at least if she wants more than a ONS)
just be aware that how you interact affects both directions of communication
on a side note, when it that situation, if you really want to get laid, just fake a hell of a lot more enthusiasm. you probably won't be *faking* it for long. this gal sensed you were lukewarm and responded accordingly by limiting things to a kiss
I did not relate to her completely based on her looks.
First off we were texting and mailing for nearly a month covering everything between music, future career, dreams, politics, religion, familystatus/future wishes, creation, countries and destinations we'd want to travel to, comedians, movies, you name it.
It was just the week before I met her that the pictures were exchanged, at which point she probably knew more about my opinions and views on life than my mother currently does.
Then I met her and none of us could fill the expectations of the other I think, and trying to get laid at the end of it was after concluding that the wheel might still be spinning even if the hamster is dead, kind of like settling for beer when you realize your liquor store is out of scotch.
And regardless of if I was after her looks for a ONS or not, it doesn't change the core problem, which is the conversational skills.
What happened with that girl was a symptom of the core problem, not the problem itself.
Relax! When I was single, I made a point of not taking myself too seriously. I have an accent and after answering I'm English again and again (not just dating but at work etc), sometimes I picked places that I'm obviously not from. Mongolia, Mexico, The Hood. Some dates would help me come up with funnier places. Or talk about movies I saw recently. Or my latest social blunder. Or my paranoia that there is a conspiracy among men to confuse the hell out of me.
I found the sooner I relaxed and enjoyed myself, the sooner my date relaxed and it was easier to get them to talk about themselves. Because I can't keep up entertaining conversation for very long.
Maybe your date was really superficial. Or maybe she was really nervous, tripped on the stupid mat and mindless prattle just kept spilling out and she was helpless to make it stop. It's called babbling. I've babbled when I'm nervous and worse still, I'm guaranteed to have nothing intelligent to say when it happens. There is only one cure for babbling. Someone has to convince me to shut up and change the subject.
We talked about traveling, food, movies, wierd teachers we'd had in school, and something else, somehow all those subjects circled back to her impeckable fashion taste, hair and general looks in one way or another as she was speaking, so yes, she was superficial, whether I'm objective or not. first i thought it was some cocky confidence, but after 4-5 topics rolled back on her looks I kind of got annoyed I guess...
U played on your accent, I applaud that, I've tried finding something special about myself, but just like she circled back on her looks in conversation, my thoughts circle back to that I'm doing average in just about everything right now. I'm simply a very plain dude, and the only way I see out of that I honing some type of skill-set that will separate me from the hoard of other plain average dudes. What seems to separate a lot of more successful guys is their social skills, hence it seems the logical choice to improve.
I did not relate to her completely based on her looks.
my apologies. i was just going by some of what you said ("I wasn't too exited about some of the replies", then you went into detail about the pics, etc). i didn't recall anything about music, futures, etc, sorry if i missed that. i assumed too much
my apologies. i was just going by some of what you said ("I wasn't too exited about some of the replies", then you went into detail about the pics, etc). i didn't recall anything about music, futures, etc, sorry if i missed that. i assumed too much
Oh well, that was the replies from other women on the dating website,
I was excited about hers, because she seemed to know what she want without being a brat about it...
We talked about traveling, food, movies, wierd teachers we'd had in school, and something else, somehow all those subjects circled back to her impeckable fashion taste, hair and general looks in one way or another as she was speaking, so yes, she was superficial, whether I'm objective or not. first i thought it was some cocky confidence, but after 4-5 topics rolled back on her looks I kind of got annoyed I guess...
U played on your accent, I applaud that, I've tried finding something special about myself, but just like she circled back on her looks in conversation, my thoughts circle back to that I'm doing average in just about everything right now. I'm simply a very plain dude, and the only way I see out of that I honing some type of skill-set that will separate me from the hoard of other plain average dudes. What seems to separate a lot of more successful guys is their social skills, hence it seems the logical choice to improve.
A gift of gab does come in useful. My husband stood out because while he doesn't seem to be able to start conversation, he's able to follow the random crap that spills out of my mouth and play off it. The more tense I am in a social situation, the more random the topic is. Like my pet turtle that attacked my friend's turtle when he was staying with them when I was away. Poor thing needed stitches. He broke into discussing vicious slow motion attacks between turtles. Don't know if he was actually that funny or I broke into the wine too soon. But I was laughing. And who even knows how we ended up debating ethics.
I think I had a point here. Hold on... Yep, there it is. Don't over think it. Just normal stuff from your daily life that reveals a little something about you, is fodder. Don't worry too much about being unique. The point should be to have fun. Having fun, stands out.
Anyway, that's my best advice for conversation.
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