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My friend's husband is constantly picking on her. He seems to communicate in a sarcastic, detached way most of the time, where everything is a joke or a jab. He'll say things to her like "Don't eat that, you know you gain weight in your *ss" or "Yeah they heard that from you because you never shut your mouth". He says these things in front of friends and family. My friend acts tough and gives it back to him, acts like it rolls off her back. But I know that underneath that facade is a sensitive person who has a heart, and I know it can't be a fulfilling relationship for her. They almost divorced once before.
I've tried to talk to her about it but she dodges the subject. She doesn't like to appear like she can't handle something. She prides herself on "having it together".
It's getting to the point where I'm uncomfortable hanging out with them because of his constant jabs and turning everything into a battle of wits. She seems to have accepted "that's how he is" but I don't know why she stays with him if she has to be so walled all the time, ready for the next remark. I don't even feel like I can let my guard down around him, so I can't imagine how it is for her.
I just get really angry, and sad, because the way he treats her is not normal, and yet he acts like it's fine and because she won't speak up, he keeps doing it. Maybe the only solution is to not be around the two of them anymore, because clearly he's not changing his (crappy) personality.
Location: Georgia, on the Florida line, right above Tallahassee
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Tell her a story. Tell her, this.
"My friend's husband is constantly picking on her. He seems to communicate in a sarcastic, detached way most of the time, where everything is a joke or a jab. He'll say things to her like "Don't eat that, you know you gain weight in your *ss" or "Yeah they heard that from you because you never shut your mouth". He says these things in front of friends and family. My friend acts tough and gives it back to him, acts like it rolls off her back. But I know that underneath that facade is a sensitive person who has a heart, and I know it can't be a fulfilling relationship for her. They almost divorced once before.
I've tried to talk to her about it but she dodges the subject. She doesn't like to appear like she can't handle something. She prides herself on "having it together".
It's getting to the point where I'm uncomfortable hanging out with them because of his constant jabs and turning everything into a battle of wits. She seems to have accepted "that's how he is" but I don't know why she stays with him if she has to be so walled all the time, ready for the next remark. I don't even feel like I can let my guard down around him, so I can't imagine how it is for her.
I just get really angry, and sad, because the way he treats her is not normal, and yet he acts like it's fine and because she won't speak up, he keeps doing it."
See what she says back to you. Then tell her. It's me. What should I do. I got a 99/100 she will tell you, "You need to leave that guy."
Your friend is being verbally and emotionally abused. Sometimes it's constant verbal abuse that can take the greatest psychological toll. Perhaps counseling would help her see that, and give her the strength to move on. It won't get any better.
My friend's husband is constantly picking on her. He seems to communicate in a sarcastic, detached way most of the time, where everything is a joke or a jab. He'll say things to her like "Don't eat that, you know you gain weight in your *ss" or "Yeah they heard that from you because you never shut your mouth". He says these things in front of friends and family. My friend acts tough and gives it back to him, acts like it rolls off her back. But I know that underneath that facade is a sensitive person who has a heart, and I know it can't be a fulfilling relationship for her. They almost divorced once before.
I've tried to talk to her about it but she dodges the subject. She doesn't like to appear like she can't handle something. She prides herself on "having it together".
It's getting to the point where I'm uncomfortable hanging out with them because of his constant jabs and turning everything into a battle of wits. She seems to have accepted "that's how he is" but I don't know why she stays with him if she has to be so walled all the time, ready for the next remark. I don't even feel like I can let my guard down around him, so I can't imagine how it is for her.
I just get really angry, and sad, because the way he treats her is not normal, and yet he acts like it's fine and because she won't speak up, he keeps doing it. Maybe the only solution is to not be around the two of them anymore, because clearly he's not changing his (crappy) personality.
Clearly it does not bother her as much as it bothers you. Her marriage, her life, her choice.
My friend's husband is constantly picking on her. He seems to communicate in a sarcastic, detached way most of the time, where everything is a joke or a jab. He'll say things to her like "Don't eat that, you know you gain weight in your *ss" or "Yeah they heard that from you because you never shut your mouth". He says these things in front of friends and family. My friend acts tough and gives it back to him, acts like it rolls off her back. But I know that underneath that facade is a sensitive person who has a heart, and I know it can't be a fulfilling relationship for her. They almost divorced once before.
I've tried to talk to her about it but she dodges the subject. She doesn't like to appear like she can't handle something. She prides herself on "having it together".
It's getting to the point where I'm uncomfortable hanging out with them because of his constant jabs and turning everything into a battle of wits. She seems to have accepted "that's how he is" but I don't know why she stays with him if she has to be so walled all the time, ready for the next remark. I don't even feel like I can let my guard down around him, so I can't imagine how it is for her.
I just get really angry, and sad, because the way he treats her is not normal, and yet he acts like it's fine and because she won't speak up, he keeps doing it. Maybe the only solution is to not be around the two of them anymore, because clearly he's not changing his (crappy) personality.
She needs to have a very serious talk with him about this makes her feel when he says these things, then she herself needs to STOP jabbing back at him. She is only egging him on by contributing to this by tossing jabs right back at him. It is going to make him think when she says nothing back when he says these things. Personally I think I would shoot him the evil eye when he did it and completely ignore him and not talk to him until he can get an attitude adjustment.
4. Killing Your Self-Confidence "The Loser" repeatedly puts you down. They constantly correct your slight mistakes, making you feel "on guard", unintelligent, and leaving you with the feeling that you are always doing something wrong. They tell you that you're too fat, too unattractive, or don't talk correctly or look well. This gradual chipping away at your confidence and self-esteem allows them to later treat you badly - as though you deserved it. In public, you will be "walking on eggshells" - always fearing you are doing or saying something that will later create a temper outburst or verbal argument.
Trying to pass it off as a joke is just a manipulation tactic, so that if she objects and stands up for herself, he can claim "It was just a JOKE, lighten up!" as though she is the one in the wrong. It makes it looks like she is just too sensitive and trying to make him look bad when really, he is just a humorous guy. This leads to another attribute on the second page of the article "Discounted Feelings/Opinions":
Quote:
19. Discounted Feelings/Opinions "The Loser" is so self-involved and self-worshiping that the feelings and opinions of others are considered worthless. As the relationship continues and you begin to question what you are feeling or seeing in their behavior, you will be told that your feelings and opinions don't make sense, they're silly, and that you are emotionally disturbed to even think of such things. "The Loser" has no interest in your opinion or your feelings - but they will be disturbed and upset that you dare question their behavior. "The Loser" is extremely hostile toward criticism and often reacts with anger or rage when their behavior is questioned.
My guess is that in private, she has probably objected to his remarks and this is how it went down. Now she doesn't even bother to object because he has her convinced that her feelings are "wrong", that she's just too sensitive and that she should be able to "handle it". Sound familiar? "She doesn't like to appear like she can't handle something."
Also take a look at "It's Never Enough" because this often goes hand in hand with killing your self confidence:
Quote:
12. It's Never Enough "The Loser" convinces you that you are never quite good enough. You don't say "I love you" enough, you don't stand close enough, you don't do enough for them after all their sacrifices, and your behavior always falls short of what is expected. This is another method of destroying your self-esteem and confidence. After months of this technique, they begin telling you how lucky you are to have them - somebody who tolerates someone so inadequate and worthless as you.
All of this usually leaves the victim feeling like the are walking on eggshells:
Quote:
18. Walking on Eggshells As a relationship with "The Loser" continues, you will gradually be exposed to verbal intimidation, temper tantrums, lengthy interrogations about trivial matters, violence/threats directed at others but witnessed by you, paranoid preoccupation with your activities, and a variety of put-downs on your character. You will quickly find yourself "walking on eggshells" in their presence - fearful to bring up topics, fearful to mention that you spoke to or saw a friend, and fearful to question or criticize the behavior of "The Loser". Instead of experiencing the warmth and comfort of love, you will be constantly on edge, tense when talking to others (they might say something that you'll have to explain later), and fearful that you'll see someone you'll have to greet in public. Dates and times together will be more comfortable and less threatening when totally alone - exactly what "The Loser" wants - no interference with their control or dominance.
Not all of this may apply here but the concept of walking on eggshells is basically what stava described: "she has to be so walled all the time, ready for the next remark."
Anyone who thinks that this wouldn't bother someone is obviously either clueless or an abuser themselves.
When he says those egregious types of things, you might want to be the one to say "Wow. That was really inappropriate/unkind/hurtful/untrue. Why on earth would you say something like that to your wife?"
You can tell her privately you don't like how he talks to her.
He might start seeing you as a threat though. Me, I'd be ok with that. I'd tank the friendship before I'd tolerate my friend being insulted repeatedly in front of me.
I was with a guy who ran me down in far more subtle ways. It was helpful to me to see other people react to his unpleasantness with shock - it let me know that no, I was right to feel that this wasn't ok.
PA2UK: Great post! What especially bothered me about the behavior the OP described was that the "loser" makes derogatory jokes and comments about his wife in front of others, including friends and family, trying to make her look foolish in public, and trying to erode her sources of emotional support. That's real sabotage!
OP says they almost divorced once before. I wonder if what's preventing her from leaving is some threat of violence he made during the first divorce attempt?
Yep - a clear sign of emotional abuse and no respect at all, sadly. By doing that her husband probably boost himself and feel superior. A low self esteem case.
PA2UK: Great post! What especially bothered me about the behavior the OP described was that the "loser" makes derogatory jokes and comments about his wife in front of others, including friends and family, trying to make her look foolish in public, and trying to erode her sources of emotional support. That's real sabotage!
OP says they almost divorced once before. I wonder if what's preventing her from leaving is some threat of violence he made during the first divorce attempt?
Oh yes, good catch, I missed that one:
Quote:
11. Public Embarrassment In an effort to keep you under control while in public, "The Loser" will lash out at you, call you names, or say cruel or embarrassing things about you in private or in front of people. When in public, you quickly learn that any opinion you express may cause them to verbally attack you, either at the time or later. If you stay with "The Loser" too long, you'll soon find yourself politely smiling, saying nothing, and holding on to their arm when in public. You'll also find yourself walking with your head down, fearful of seeing a friend who might speak to you and create an angry reaction in "The Loser".
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