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This is my very first time writing in a forum, and a very painful dilemma has brought me to write my story and seek any help I can get.
Here is little bit of my background. I am a 28 year-old Korean American working in Korea. My family are still living back in the States, and I am living with an extended family in Seoul. Although I am fluent in Korean and know the culture very well (or so I thought), it has been very difficult adjusting to Asian corporate culture, which is very different and mentally demanding compared to working back home.
I'll try to make the story as concise as I can, but please hear me out as it is quite complicated. I have been dating this girl on and off for the past 11 months. It started very casually, without much physical attraction to be honest. She was my coworker, and had a great personality, so we naturally got closer and after a couple of weeks, we decided to be "official". Here is the first problem. I have been a very thoughtful/picky dater, and always thought about marriage/compatibility even before giving someone a chance. Obviously that never got me too far in dating. I don’t have super high expectations of someone I wanted to date/marry, but there was a general standard/list that I stood by. This was my first time going against my personality, and actually dating for the sake of dating. Obviously, things didn’t start out too well. I unknowingly started picking this person apart from head to toe, criticizing their imperfections, comparing her to others, mentioning to her how we’re not very compatible, etc. She was such a good girl, and had such strong feelings for me that she didn’t complain, but tried to change herself to cater to my needs/wants.
Once I realized what I was doing, it seriously crushed me. I have always thought of myself as a good and kind person, and never ever hurt someone like this before. Of course I apologized profusely, treated her better than before, and tried to lower my standard/expectations. Looking back, perhaps I should’ve broken up with her then, and let her go free. However, guilt of destroying someone’s self-esteem if I broke up with her then, and my strong desire to make it up to her made me stay and consciously tried to make this relationship work. Noticing the difference, she treated me even better, and we became closer than ever. As you might be thinking, was I in love? I didn’t think at that point….so when she mentioned commitment and marriage, I started backpedaling, unable to commit. However, with more time passing we became even more attached. We were best friends, and one positive thing was that we were very intimate. However, at this point, my self-esteem had hit rock bottom, thinking how can someone love me this much even after what I have said and done? And even after I had told her all of my imperfections, whether it be physical or personal? Will I ever find someone that treats me and cares for me as much if I leave? I was torn inside. I wasn’t happy with the relationship, but I felt scared of leaving, fearful of hurting her feelings again, fearful of being alone, finding someone this caring, etc.
Since then, I have tried to break it up with her 2-3 times, thinking she deserves someone that genuinely loves her, and I need to find a more fulfilling relationship that’s somehow better for me. The results have been the same, either she begging me to stay and I got weak and came back, or me getting scared of losing someone that’s so close and comfortable that I came back. Every time we got back together, things were better than before. I consciously tried to commit, cater to her needs, and make her happy. But there was always doubt in the back of my mind, and it would creep out whenever the thought of commitment, which would lead me to being emotionally torn.
Curently, we are broken up (again), but we are talking, and this time I feel like I have to make a decision for good. I don’t know what is wrong with me. Do I have commitment issues? Am I just attached emotionally? Am I driven by fear? Can love and attachment hold us any longer?
She is such a great person, and I do have a lot of feelings for her, but at this point, I am fearful of losing her at the same time fearful of “settling” and possibly hurting ourselves again in the future. Amazingly, she still thinks that I am the person she wants to marry, and is willing to wait if I’m not ready. At the same time, I can see that all this emotional torment has been too tough on her, and we are on a mini break where she wants me to talk to her when I can actually commit. What I want the most is to be able to commit and be happy for once, but I just cannot seem to make any decision, which is killing me inside.
Understandably, I have been miserable for the last months, both dealing with this issue and adjusting to work/environment.
Please help…I’m stuck…I am ready to do anything to free myself of this emotional mess.
Thank you for reading this long story. I will answer any questions or comments.
Women quickly think of marriage, even after a few dates. It sounds to me that she is overly intent on it, while you're much more cautious.
And of course you come with the added value of being someone who can take her back to the states. She may be nice, but she sounds too desperate. Not a good sign.
This was my first time going against my personality, and actually dating for the sake of dating. Obviously, things didn’t start out too well. I unknowingly started picking this person apart from head to toe, criticizing their imperfections, comparing her to others, mentioning to her how we’re not very compatible, etc. She was such a good girl, and had such strong feelings for me that she didn’t complain, but tried to change herself to cater to my needs/wants.
You should be ashamed of yourself for leading her on and she is a fool for wanting to "cater to (your) needs" after your putdowns of her.
Let her go, now. Just stop all contact. There is no dilemma because she deserves better than you. After what you did to her you should tell her exactly that.
Next time don't "date for the sake of dating." No one has to date.
You are better off alone than hurting another human being.
I'll try to make the story as concise as I can, but please hear me out as it is quite complicated. I have been dating this girl on and off for the past 11 months. It started very casually, without much physical attraction to be honest. She was my coworker, and had a great personality, so we naturally got closer and after a couple of weeks, we decided to be "official".
However, guilt of destroying someone’s self-esteem if I broke up with her then, and my strong desire to make it up to her made me stay and consciously tried to make this relationship work. Noticing the difference, she treated me even better, and we became closer than ever. As you might be thinking, was I in love? I didn’t think at that point….so when she mentioned commitment and marriage, I started backpedaling, unable to commit.
Since then, I have tried to break it up with her 2-3 times, thinking she deserves someone that genuinely loves her, and I need to find a more fulfilling relationship that’s somehow better for me.
In all honestly, the relationship sounded emotionally abusive. Too much guilt and breaking up and not enough communication and love. The latter are the foundations of a healthy relationship.
People usually break up for a reason and if it happens constantly that reason is likely very valid. So there's no need dragging out a doomed relationship just to say you have a relationship. Both of you would be better off back in the single dating pool looking for someone that's more compatible.
I have every respect for a woman that knows when to leave. Your woman sounds super clingy and you sound extremely indecisive. Breaking up 2-3 times already? Damn, your story sounds like one of those long ass Korean dramas on TV that are super boring and unrealistic.
Run Forrest run! Don't look back and keep it moving! Set her free already. She will survive.
Thank you for your input. Even though it's hurting me so much, I have decided to let her go. Well. at least see where time apart takes us.
@John13, You're probably right. I led her on and I caused this much trouble. But I truly do care for this person, and tried my best to work it out. She was my best friend, and it really sucks to lose that part of the relationship, but like you all said....that's just life
Break up with her. You mention you weren't nuts about her from the start.
I dated a very, very sweet man in college. He treated me like gold even when I tore him apart (these were my depressed, anxiety ridden, insecure years, so I couldn't have treated a rock well). I realized it was because I was merely staying with him out of comfort because he was so kind to me, and like the girl you're talking about, would beg me to stay. I guess it made me feel better someone actually loved me, because I did not love myself enough to know better.
In hindsight, there wasn't much chemistry. It was hard for me to leave because he was so freaking kind to me and was too good to me. We split and are now amicable, and he is in a long term relationship with a nice girl, and I have found a man I have chemistry, love, and a deeper bond with.
You will find someone else, so will she. I did my ex no favors by staying, and you will do her none. Someone will love her just fine.
One thing I have learned, is that once you question the future of your relationship in your head (such as "when are we going to break up?" "when will this end?" "I can't do this anymore"), it's usually over. We land in the direction we shoot in. If you think this thing is wishy washy, it is. Just go.
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