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Same. If I was dating someone who was making more than twice as much as me working the same hours, and they did the "turn and look away" when the check came, I wouldn't pursue.
In my previous relationship, different socioeconomic backgrounds bred different values.
Although he and I as adults made comparable middle class incomes, the fact that he "came from money" was an issue for him...bred constant dissatisfaction that he didn't have enough, make enough, couldn't attain the same lifestyle as his dad and grandparents, that they weren't impressed by him. He was angry and depressed all the time about "stepping down" to an income level and lifestyle he felt ashamed of (ie a pretty average, comfortable middle class life). He was a snob, and it left a bad taste in my mouth.
My GF had a job in which she was earning more than twice as much as I was and because she had been living at home and single she tended to have higher than average spending habits (Coach bags, name brand clothes, cruises/vacations to far off places etc). She recently lost her job and had become a stay at home mom to her son and my son but her old habits are not going away easily.
Before she and I met I had been receiving aid from the state in the form of food stamps and cash aid and Medi Cal. Even though i work full time now I still don't quite make enough to fully support my son and I so I am still collecting some assistance although it's mostly in the form of free medical and dental coverage for my son and medical coverage for myself. My GF knew about this since we first started dating and she never really approved and still to this day refuses to use my food stamps to purchase food for our family.Since she is no longer working our family income is drastically reduced so we have to really tighten our spending to just the bare minimum which means no more going out to eat for example. She regularly gets assistance from her folks who are retired and seem to be doing quite well and have quite a bit of money. I, on the other hand, refuse to go to my folks for money and always tend to find a way to pay for bills and that involves sacrificing some stuff. I'm just proud I guess.
I guess my point is that when you are with someone who makes/made more money than you do it tends to lead to some conflict in the way you each see money. She won't bat an eye to spend 200 dollars on a purse but I really struggle treating myself to anything costing more than 20 bucks. An example happened a few months ago for my birthday. She was still employed and wanted to take me to Las Vegas. She didn't hesitate to get us a nice room at a nice hotel on the strip and then taking me to a really nice steak house for dinner. I would have been just fine with a cheap place to stay off the strip and a nice dinner at IHOP but she wouldn't dream of it. Although I really appreciated such a nice gesture and had a great time it just goes to show that sometimes two people with two different financial backgrounds will always have different points of view when it comes to spending.
This is a contentious topic and is rightly regarded as being near the top of the list of what poisons relationships and terminates marriages. America has a funny relationship with money; we pursue it with consummate zeal, and yet there's a part of American culture that decries love of material things as spiritually vapid and immoral. We compete with everyone, for greater honors and prestige, and simultaneously bemoan the shallowness and mean-spiritedness of judging people by the amount of stuff that they've amassed.
I would say that there is a gender asymmetry here - one of the few enduring gender asymmetries in modern dating. It's OK for the woman to earn less than the man, but not vice versa. There may be discomfort of the disparity is huge, but socially and emotionally, we do not bristle with offense at the idea that a wealthy man and a disadvantaged woman might find common ground; but we are deeply skeptical of motives when it's the woman who commands the wealth.
But early in dating, before the relationship becomes secure, what matters more is the willingness to spend than the possession of wealth. You might have $2M in your 401K, but does that translate into lavish dinners, 5-star hotels and designer hand-bags? How one spends... stingy or profligate, guarded or ebullient, makes greater impact on how the relationship unfolds in its early stages, than talk of investment portfolios or even salary.
Self-made people, unless they are extremely wealthy indeed, will tend to be more parsimonious. They celebrate the savings of every additional dollar as an addition to the pile. But a person of modest means might regard the building of wealth as being so utterly impossible, that saving money is a fool's game, and one might as well spend what one has. Why torture oneself with substandard food and tawdry accommodation just to set aside $50/week, which won't accumulate to anything substantial anyway? So the paradox is that wealthier people might be more reluctant to spend, and in so doing, come across as uncaring and as treating the relationship lightly. They receive twice the opprobrium: first as being privileged for having that wealth, and second for being jerks for refusing to share it.
Money, jobs, sex, children...are all on the same footing as sources of disagreement in a long-term relationship. Navigating them is not always easy in any relationship. For money, I've always found that generosity is important for positive outcomes; stinginess leads to negative outcomes.
I do. I think I would have a hard time feeling equal, if we married. Am I the only one?
Nah. I don't avoid people for financial reasons. But if a guy is looking for a woman to keep up with him or go dutch on expensive outings or trips, I make it clear he'll need to look elsewhere. That's not my lifestyle and not in my budget. Even my SO knows that if he wants to do something pricey, I can only afford so much so he's paying for most or all of it.
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Originally Posted by mainebrokerman
i dont think it should matter much,,because you have two people bringing different things to the table..
even if the woman made less,,,she usually cleans, and cooks and assumes position,,,i put a value on that
See, I don't understand when people say this. If she's working full-time, she's putting in the same 8 hours plus commute you are. It's like you're punishing someone or expecting a partner to "work off" a difference in salary just because she doesn't make as much as you. I could see if someone makes less because they work part-time, but full-time? No. I don't think people should be expected to do a second shift at home just because they chose a different career path. The two are unrelated to me, and were when I was the primary breadwinner, myself.
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