Moving, Retiring, and Falling Back in Love With My Husband (marriage, woman)

[Silverbird55]

I retired in March of this year, relocated to another state, and am married to a man I really didn't give myself a chance to get to know completely.
Well...let me start at the beginning.
The man: I was married for 17 years to one man who decided in 2007 that he "wasn't happy" and would only be happy if he left me for his "soul mate" another woman he worked with. I was hurt, angry and bitter for a while, then I began to date, dance, go tot he beach, hang out with friends and I realize now that I only remarried because I was deep down afraid of growing old "along' and to show him that "I can get somebody else just like that!"
I gained a ridiculous amount of weight which caused painful problems with my knees and hip, so...I retired at the age of 55 from being a preschool teacher. (I miss my kids and my classroom so much...) I get my retirement pension which is not enough to live on in my home state. (California - Crenshaw/Inglewood area) and so now I'm here in Beaumont, Texas where I am totally miserable, no job and no way to go back home. The good thing is I've now lost weight, (45 pounds and am no longer in pain) I feel empty inside and can only see grey. I try to put on a brave front and smile, but inside I die a little bit each day. I want a job, but who's going to hire a woman who let her weight get so out of control that it caused her to retire and relocate. I don't see anyway out. Incidently, I love my husband, just not in love with him, but I don't want to hurt him. I know now that I didn't give myself time to grieve the loss of my first marriage and get to know myself better. Why should he pay for my poor judgement and selfishness? I guess my question is, how do I get back home to California, get a job and fall in love with my husband? I know there are no easy answers, I can't return to my previous job? I worked for one of the biggest school districts in the country and my attendance wasn't so great, so I'm sure that they are glad to be rid of me? What can I do? Any thoughts or am I just 'messed up and should just try to deal with all as best I can?

[BirdieBelle]

I think you need to tackle the problems separately.

How does your husband feel about your new city? You should discuss this with him. Maybe the two of you can take a weekend trip and talk things over. A change of scenery can help you get out of a "thinking rut" and back to who you were when you met.

The job questions will take care of themselves. There is no reason prospective employers will know about your weight issues etc.

Prioritize your problems and enlist the help of your husband to solve them. Letting him know that you are struggling with this could bring you closer together.

[4EVCali]

I agree. Your story is very similar to mine. I think you should take your husband into your confidence and tell him how you feel about your living situation. He may feel the same way too. Sometimes, when we are hurt a way to protect ourselves is to shut down, to pretend that everything is fine when its not. I've got to tell you, dear, that's not healthy. I started feeling so overwhelmed at one point that I actively sought therapy. That was my answer, that's what worked for me, but everybody's different. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Take care Dear Heart!