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This is just something I've thought about. I'm sure other people have similar situations.
Its not uncommon for me to have a girl interested in me who is all around ok but I normally wouldn't go for her. I just know it wouldn't work out long term for one reason or another and so I avoid any relationship past friendship with her. I just see it as a pointless to get involved in something I know is likely going to fail when I can get involved in something I have higher hopes for if I'm just a bit more patient and selective.
I've often thought the solution to that would be to set up some sort of exclusive non committed relationship. The kind of thing where we only have sex with each other but outside of that are free to date around and find someone else. My reasoning is that I don't like to sleep around and I don't want to be with someone who is also with someone else, past is in the past but I'm not interested in sharing. The idea is then we can go on dates, have fun, have sex, but still be looking for a relationship we actually have hope for long term. Sort of like friends with benefits but a mutual agreement that we'll stop the relationship once one of us finds someone else.
What I really don't want is to just have casual sex with someone who is also having casual sex with other people and ergo I'm having casual sex with these other people. At the same time I don't want to pretend or lie to anyone (including myself) that this is anything more than a short term thing.
Thoughts?
EDIT: I'm being honest here, sorry if it rubs anyone the wrong way but I'm looking for some honest insight into this.
This is just something I've thought about. I'm sure other people have similar situations.
Its not uncommon for me to have a girl interested in me who is all around ok but I normally wouldn't go for her. I just know it wouldn't work out long term for one reason or another and so I avoid any relationship past friendship with her. I just see it as a pointless to get involved in something I know is likely going to fail when I can get involved in something I have higher hopes for if I'm just a bit more patient and selective.
I've often thought the solution to that would be to set up some sort of exclusive non committed relationship. The kind of thing where we only have sex with each other but outside of that are free to date around and find someone else. My reasoning is that I don't like to sleep around and I don't want to be with someone who is also with someone else, past is in the past but I'm not interested in sharing. The idea is then we can go on dates, have fun, have sex, but still be looking for a relationship we actually have hope for long term. Sort of like friends with benefits but a mutual agreement that we'll stop the relationship once one of us finds someone else.
What I really don't want is to just have casual sex with someone who is also having casual sex with other people and ergo I'm having casual sex with these other people. At the same time I don't want to pretend or lie to anyone (including myself) that this is anything more than a short term thing.
Thoughts?
I know what you are saying.
I've never tried "friends with benefits" type of relationship. well, Walking the fine line of blissful, casual enjoyment — with a committed relationship on one side and the loss of your bed buddy on the other — is a risky balancing act, and you must control the weight distribution.
Go for it. Just make sure she wants the same thing -- she doesn't want more and she believes you that you don't want more.
I have done this. The tricky part comes when one of you meets someone you think might work out for a real relationship. Do you tell the new person the truth? Do you hide the nature of you FWB++ relationship? Do you pretend that you have ended it when you have not?
The best solution, IME, is to agree to put the FWB relationship on hold, with option for resuming it later if the new sweetie doesn't work out and you both still want to. I had that with a guy once, and we were off and on for several years, whenever we were both single. He was great in bed, too .
The worst thing is to BS the new person. Another FWB++ that I had did that, and I dumped him and told her (after giving him warning). Homie don't play that. I won't be party to lying and deception.
So, get all that clarified with the FWB early on; make sure you are on the same page about how the endgame will go.
Since you are friends why would you think this girl is interested in anything more with you than friendship?
Not just one girl, that happens all the time. Right now there are 3 different women I can think of who have recently displayed some legitimate interest and I do not think they are just having fun with me. They're not close friends, they're actually mostly friends of friends that I met while out with my core group of friends.
For the sake of this argument assume I'm not an idiot and can see what's going on. With some of them a mutual friend has tried to set us up a little.
Not just one girl, that happens all the time. Right now there are 3 different women I can think of who have recently displayed some legitimate interest and I do not think they are just having fun with me. They're not close friends, they're actually mostly friends of friends that I met while out with my core group of friends.
For the sake of this argument assume I'm not an idiot and can see what's going on. With some of them a mutual friend has tried to set us up a little.
Do you genuinely enjoy being friends with them, or do you just keep them around as a possibility for casual relationship? Another way to think of this is, if you were to present this idea to them, and they said no absolutely not, never, I only see you as a friend, would you continue to be friends with them after that?
Do you genuinely enjoy being friends with them, or do you just keep them around as a possibility for casual relationship? Another way to think of this is, if you were to present this idea to them, and they said no absolutely not, never, I only see you as a friend, would you continue to be friends with them after that?
I'm not actively trying to keep them around and they're not that close of friends anyway. For the most part I get along with these women because they are friends of my friends. So sure not a whole lot would change if they said that given that's pretty much where they are for me. Really what we're talking about here are girls I've "friendzoned" because I don't see the potential of a relationship with them but I'd have no problem sleeping with them if there was not real commitment.
I'm not actively trying to keep them around and they're not that close of friends anyway. For the most part I get along with these women because they are friends of my friends. So sure not a whole lot would change if they said that given that's pretty much where they are for me. Really what we're talking about here are girls I've "friendzoned" because I don't see the potential of a relationship with them but I'd have no problem sleeping with them if there was not real commitment.
Yeah, that's the idea. I've just got to come up with a way to do this where I'm not just straight up asking because that's probably going to get a no even of they would be open to the idea after some thought.
I reject the notion that a man either wants an exclusive relationship, or he just wants sex. There is a whole array of a continuum being ignored. The notion of going out with multiple women a week, taking them out on dates, being emotionally and physically intimate with them and sharing sex with them is sensible and a potential reality for many.
As you said casual relationships don't generally start by simply approaching someone and asking. That is a recipe for failure. There are a variety of ways they begin dependent on the people involved. I usually try to cognitively "anchor" them toward my person by giving them mind blowing orgasms and making them feel special, flooding oxytocin into their bloodstream. A woman can seem like a total independent hard case, but a few rounds of screaming orgasms later and she's looking at you with doe eyes and little hearts swimming around above her head.
You also have to transform yourself into a fantasy man. A living legend, a super hero. Your peak human potential. Be the man who walks in, and she knows immediately that she MUST have this man, or she will regret it for the rest of her life... that man will do nothing but annoy her, frustrate her, and madden her by taking it slow. Before you can become an ideal man that women want, you have to become the ideal person YOU want to be.
Someone else suggested a basic "cookie cutter" formula that can be changed based on your situation. This isn't the order that I would go in, but it works for others. Women love sex. In my opinion if you can provide them with the best sex they have ever had, they can overlook the fact that you are not exclusive, at least for awhile. Every casual relationship has a "shelf life" which is contingent on a variety of factors. Here is the cookie cutter formula by others:
-Get close to her by talking, flirting and complimenting her.
-Get her to do things with you (and yes some of those times might be considered dates, although you should make that as nebulous as possible).
-Ask her about intimate things in her life that will make her feel closer to you.
-Hint at some intimate things that are going on with you, but don't share to much with her- just hint.
-Every time you see her make sure to get physically close to her and touch her.
-Kiss her.
-Tell her you have an unbelievable connection with her- physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
-As things develop, start to hint at the fact that you are damaged and probably not ready to have a real relationship. At the same time, keep increasing the emotional and physical connection (communicating to her that you basically can't stop yourself from this).
-After this, casual relationship is a simple progression of sexing her, and then flipping between acting like you care for her, while at the same time making sure to keep your needs as number one and doing whatever you want without considering her needs.
-From this point on, her reaction will be one of two things. She will either be pretty much OK with this or she will keep pressing and bugging you about why you cannot give more of yourself. Either way, just keep doing what you have been doing to that point.
-Ultimately, the duration of the relationship will depend on how hooked she has become on these dynamics with you.
Last edited by Mighty_Pelican; 11-24-2013 at 01:56 AM..
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