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So I wanted validation to know if what he did really was wrong. I'm still confused about it. I know now that he sexually assaulted me, but I'm still confused as to why someone I like and trust could do that to me.
I have feelings for him and I have for a long time. Its hard to let go of 22 years of feelings for someone because of an incident which I am confused over. I still have feelings for him, it takes time for the heart to catch up with what the mind logically knows. And I'm so used to blaming myself when bad things happen to me.
The majority of sexual assaults were by someone known to the victim:
You're confused because you can't imagine a "friend" doing it to you. He did it because he could. Sure, he may not have planned to do it, but once he realized the amount you were drinking, he realized he could do it and get away with it, at most creating a she said/he said situation. Time was on his side as the longer you waited, the better it would be for him. He probably had a sigh of relief when the police didn't knock on his door the next day or the day after.
I hope enough was said that you don't develop Stockholm Syndrome. You already had feelings for him, which makes it easier for you to have even more. In fact, he's likely using it to keep you in check, doing things (keeping contact, being friendly, etc.), to re-enforce your feelings for him. Don't fall for it or we'll be seeing a new thread on how it happened again.
Seeing that a man has to be aroused and his penis erect to have sex, I'm calling B.S. on this. Unless she sodomized you with a strap on, you were not "raped". Lol, I hope your friend didn't fall for the "I woke up with my erect penis in your girl". I usually agree with you, but your clearly trying to pull our chain.
No, its honest truth, ive posted about this before. She must have gotten me ready before I gained consciousness, because by the time I awoke we were in the middle of the act. I don't just post stuff to stir stuff up, I just share stuff I have expreinced in my life.
No, its honest truth, ive posted about this before. She must have gotten me ready before I gained consciousness, because by the time I awoke we were in the middle of the act. I don't just post stuff to stir stuff up, I just share stuff I have expreinced in my life.
I can see how this could be true. Just because a guy has a boner doesn't mean he consents to sex. A man can get boners in his sleep, or with just a little touching it could easily happen, and the woman can hop on without his consent, while he is still asleep and can't do anything about it. It can definitely happen and it is rape.
No, its honest truth, ive posted about this before. She must have gotten me ready before I gained consciousness, because by the time I awoke we were in the middle of the act. I don't just post stuff to stir stuff up, I just share stuff I have expreinced in my life.
Or she could've taken advantage of what normally happens during sleep:
I have been sexually violated before, but not on that scale.
Once or twice after being on a date with a guy who had paid, I got pressured so much for sex I basically consented just to get it over with, because it was easier than arguing about it when the guy was determined and felt entitled and would have probably forced himself anyways if I didn't. Sometimes submission was just easier.
Another time while fooling around a guy just suddenly penetrated me without asking, and if he had asked I'd have said no. He did it before I could do or say anything. I also felt raped then. He even admitted he raped me. He was also violent another time while trying to rape me again, he ripped my clothes and tried to shut me in the closet. I was screaming and we were in his apt and I think he was afraid the neighbors were gonna call the cops so he finally let me go. Terrified me though. I never saw him again after that. He was def a rapist too.
I was also statutory raped by a family member. He did it by spending a long time grooming me, and then took advantage.
Obviously I'm choosing to go out with the wrong guys. I'm attracted to violent men.
You would benefit from professional counseling. Please seek it.
Of course not all men rape women, but the prevailing message in our culture is still that rape prevention lies with women: don't go there, don't wear that, don't drink, don't be alone, don't be out late, etc. etc. I don't think men get the same sort of pressure to not take advantage, not touch, not pressure, etc. I mean, we've seen in this very thread and elsewhere where young guys have said that a husband can't rape a wife, or if she was too drunk to say no it's the same as yes, or that if there's no violence it's not rape.
The main pressure men get not to rape is the fact that those who do risk going to prison.
Women are told how to avoid rape because society puts an emphasis on protecting victims.
Men are not told how to avoid raping women because society expects them to inherently know how not to unintentionally rape a woman. Society expects them to know 100% how to tell what is consent and what isn't consent. I would agree with you that more should be done to educate men about what is consent.
But I don't agree with your implication that the situation is only unfair to women. It is also unfair to the men who do get falsely accused of rape by someone who gave consent at the time but who changed their mind later. Also, in the party culture that is young adulthood, everybody's drunk to some degree all the time when having fun. So the technical definition of when a woman is capable of giving consent can be sticky at best.
The main pressure men get not to rape is the fact that those who do risk going to prison.
Women are told how to avoid rape because society puts an emphasis on protecting victims.
Men are not told how to avoid raping women because society expects them to inherently know how not to unintentionally rape a woman. Society expects them to know 100% how to tell what is consent and what isn't consent. I would agree with you that more should be done to educate men about what is consent.
But I don't agree with your implication that the situation is only unfair to women. It is also unfair to the men who do get falsely accused of rape by someone who gave consent at the time but who changed their mind later. Also, in the party culture that is young adulthood, everybody's drunk to some degree all the time when having fun. So the technical definition of when a woman is capable of giving consent can be sticky at best.
I'd go a step a further and suggest that the primary deterrent for men in regards to committing rape (in the broader context, any sexual assault) is our own consciences. I do realize that someone will likely bring up a study done by a feminist group that will tell us that x percentage of men say they'd rape a woman if they could get away with it. There are also some "men's groups" that will argue that rape is virtually non-existent. But this is far too important an issue for all involved to engage in the polemics of gender politics.
There is no such thing as a "rape culture". This is a political term which incites gender conflict and ignores the fact that the overwhelming majority of men never have--and never will--commit a rape. Rape is not a cultural act, it is an act which arises out of the personal psyche of the rapist. When it occurs, it is an act violence which disregards the humanity of the victim. To suggest that rape is a cultural (or culturally driven) act, is to free the individual rapist of personal responsibility even as it tags all men as rapists.
Matters are complicated considerably by the fact that we're not generally talking about the classic stranger rape. Most accusations don't arise out of a victim being dragged by a stranger behind a bush or into a stairwell. The majority of accusations arise out of consensual social encounters in which both accuser and accused are often intoxicated. Being intoxicated does not, in and of itself, negate the ability to give consent (I'd urge people to look up the language of their state's sexual assault statutes). Often, consent is non-verbal. I'm fine with teaching people that "no" means no--as long we also teach people to emphatically say "no" before the fact.
People who are drunk, can and do consent to sex on a regular basis. Most of those who do, take responsibility and learn from the occurrence. I know a lot of men who have regretted engaging in drunken hook-ups.
As for the OP's story, unlike most of the others posting here, I have no idea whether or not it constitutes rape. It's tempting to define this as a "he said/she said" situation, but it isn't even that-- we have no story from "he". It is impossible to define something as a rape based solely upon a one-sided accounting of events--yet alone an account made by someone who admits to be severely intoxicated and who is unwilling to submit her claims to official investigation. I would add that even though some time has passed, she can, and should, still file a criminal complaint if she feels she was sexually assaulted.
I don't want to see any of the women I know subjected to the violent and dehumanizing act of rape, nor do I want to see any of the men I know subject to a fraudulent rape accusation which will destroy virtually every aspect of their lives.
I'd go a step a further and suggest that the primary deterrent for men in regards to committing rape (in the broader context, any sexual assault) is our own consciences. I do realize that someone will likely bring up a study done by a feminist group that will tell us that x percentage of men say they'd rape a woman if they could get away with it. There are also some "men's groups" that will argue that rape is virtually non-existent. But this is far too important an issue for all involved to engage in the polemics of gender politics.
There is no such thing as a "rape culture". This is a political term which incites gender conflict and ignores the fact that the overwhelming majority of men never have--and never will--commit a rape. Rape is not a cultural act, it is an act which arises out of the personal psyche of the rapist. When it occurs, it is an act violence which disregards the humanity of the victim. To suggest that rape is a cultural (or culturally driven) act, is to free the individual rapist of personal responsibility even as it tags all men as rapists.
Matters are complicated considerably by the fact that we're not generally talking about the classic stranger rape. Most accusations don't arise out of a victim being dragged by a stranger behind a bush or into a stairwell. The majority of accusations arise out of consensual social encounters in which both accuser and accused are often intoxicated. Being intoxicated does not, in and of itself, negate the ability to give consent (I'd urge people to look up the language of their state's sexual assault statutes). Often, consent is non-verbal. I'm fine with teaching people that "no" means no--as long we also teach people to emphatically say "no" before the fact.
People who are drunk, can and do consent to sex on a regular basis. Most of those who do, take responsibility and learn from the occurrence. I know a lot of men who have regretted engaging in drunken hook-ups.
As for the OP's story, unlike most of the others posting here, I have no idea whether or not it constitutes rape. It's tempting to define this as a "he said/she said" situation, but it isn't even that-- we have no story from "he". It is impossible to define something as a rape based solely upon a one-sided accounting of events--yet alone an account made by someone who admits to be severely intoxicated and who is unwilling to submit her claims to official investigation. I would add that even though some time has passed, she can, and should, still file a criminal complaint if she feels she was sexually assaulted.
I don't want to see any of the women I know subjected to the violent and dehumanizing act of rape, nor do I want to see any of the men I know subject to a fraudulent rape accusation which will destroy virtually every aspect of their lives.
You're right overall.
However, I do believe this victim's story. I do believe she was a victim of rape. And I do believe she's been a victim of rape before.
I do believe she needs professional counseling because folks on an internet forum just can't provide the same kind of care for overcoming the kind of trauma she's had in her life that a professional can.
The main pressure men get not to rape is the fact that those who do risk going to prison.
I doubt this is much pressure considering studies I've read show most male on female rapes are unreported, most rape cases aren't prosecuted even when the male rapist has confessed due to the female victim not being in "good standing" aka not promiscuous and dressed provocatively, and most jurors on male on female rape trials by default think the gal is lying.
OP,
It sounds like you got drunk and you got laid and, now sober, are having second thoughts. Learn your lesson and don't do it again.
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