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I am looking for any kind of external insight to ameliorate my current dilemma and also to put this out to the universe so it may be released if even partially from my heart. I am tired. My husband has decided to take some college courses. I was very pleased when he went through with this because he has been talking about it for a very long time. I appreciated his drive in seeking higher education. Naturally, I believed that because he decided for himself to go to college, that he would realize that there would be work (sometimes challenging work) to be done. I have my own work and studies to contend with, not to mention the facts that we have two kids, a home and a slobbery dog to take care of too (and food needs to be prepared, laundry needs to be done, etc.).
However, since last month when my husband began his courses, I have discovered that my offer to "assist" if he ran into problems has equated to him thinking that I am supposed to do all of his work for him. I do not mind helping him, but what I am starting to resent is his expectation that I drop everything else to help him. He has not done more than 10 math problems on his own since his classes began, and not only that, I read his entire introductory course for the college (research rules, campus policy and etc.) and took those "tests" for him as well. I have tried to teach him the Art of Google and skimming. He proclaims that he is "troubled" by reading, but he managed to make high NCO rank in the military. He seems to look at equations and functions and just shut down. I actually thought he was going to cry over being tasked to create a simple scatter chart for a study to show a positive correlation and logically state the conclusion. Part of me is disappointed in him...I look at his past achievements and I just know he can do this without me. Yet, he makes me feel as if I am the key to his success here, and I really do not know if that's fair since this was not my choice.
Currently, I have obtained for him a 97.70% average in his math class, but what has he learned? I have benefited from the work and so I don't get Hulk mad, I try to look at helping him as helping myself...because guess what? I used to stink at math too. Suddenly, thanks to "helping him" with his work, I not only have a newly found interest in it, I also see that perhaps living and growing has made me pretty good at it. It comes easy to me now at this point in my life, but my mind is mine. What of him and his? What is he learning from HIS class that HE signed up for? I have told him that I am getting tired of doing his work for him, and he will just sit at the computer and pout like a child and mumble the problem to himself while growing visibly more and more exasperated until I simply either leave the room or do the work for him, because either way, I cannot bear to watch a man I want to respect behave this way. I am really losing respect for him, not so much because he needs assistance...but because he LIED (Help? No I'm doing it, Biscuit) and he won't seek resources for himself. This is not the man I married.
He neglects the housework that he used to do now that he has started these courses. I have spoken to him about pulling his weight because we both work. Now, I leave his things in the laundry room and his dishes in the sink. I only clean up behind myself and the kids if necessary. He also has become a worrier. If he is not stressing over something in the module, he's stressing over the kid's antics. He won't even help the baby (8) with her homework. He acts like an ogre if anyone wants his time as if these courses are just draining his vital reserves. Really? He is a grown man behaving like a baby because he has to put in some work? I am losing respect for him so fast, that I would like to calculate the rate of exponential loss of respect for my husband since these classes began and submit it to his math professor for extra credit, so he can know who has been getting all those 95% and 100% grades for poor little R.
We were having some issues before this, and now...the zit is coming to a head. A line must be drawn somewhere. Yes, I can do his work, possibly with ease, but it is not MY work. If you're wondering, he was NOT like this when I married him. He has acquired a slew of health issues that have taken away from me the man that I once knew. I still love him, but he sometimes acts as if his cognitive function is disabled, not his body. He has never been diagnosed with any mental impairment, so I am at a loss as to why he acts like his work is too difficult to attempt. It is supposed to present a challenge and I informed him of that. He acts like reading at a college level is a dire task, also. He acts like he needs me to read things to him and give him definitions to words that he does not understand. Google is at his fingertips...I just do not understand this man anymore. What has happened? He used to do demolition calculations, and now, this. I realize the body can affect the mind and so can medications (he takes several), but is this normal for a 44 year old man? I want a mate to sharpen myself against, too. Before I come off as a ____________, I'll end here. Should I talk to him about seeing a doctor? How do I do so gently? I really do care about him, and despite my anger, part of me simply wonders what the hell is wrong with him?
Last edited by Doomed_Shroom12; 11-21-2013 at 10:31 AM..
Reason: error
You need to put a stop to it. If he can't handle the academics then school is just not for him and he's wasting time and money (regardless if he's paying or an employer or if it's a grant). There's nothing wrong with that either. I admire people who continue their education later in life and I don't know how they juggle it in between full time work, kids, a house, etc, but it takes a toll on a relationship.
Maybe he dove in too deep and too quickly. Maybe you can suggest that if he wants to continue with school that he considers taking fewer courses or maybe refresher courses? Sounds like he's overwhelmed and doesn't know how to deal with it. Let him know that you fully support his decision if he chooses to discontinue with school and let him know that you fully support him emotionally but by you taking on additional tasks it's also taking a toll on YOU. Make it about both of you and your family.
You need to put a stop to it. If he can't handle the academics then school is just not for him and he's wasting time and money (regardless if he's paying or an employer or if it's a grant). There's nothing wrong with that either. I admire people who continue their education later in life and I don't know how they juggle it in between full time work, kids, a house, etc, but it takes a toll on a relationship.
Maybe he dove in too deep and too quickly. Maybe you can suggest that if he wants to continue with school that he considers taking fewer courses or maybe refresher courses? Sounds like he's overwhelmed and doesn't know how to deal with it. Let him know that you fully support his decision if he chooses to discontinue with school and let him know that you fully support him emotionally but by you taking on additional tasks it's also taking a toll on YOU. Make it about both of you and your family.
I think part of this is definitely my fault. I have enabled his behavior by doing the work like the guy above said. I pitied him. The fact that he devoured my pity, asking for fifth and sixth helpings instead of being mildly repelled and catapulted into action to get cracking has disappointed me. I'd rather be hated than pitied.
You need to let him sink or swim. If he sinks, it means the academic discipline he chose is not for him, and he needs to find one better suited to his abilities. Either that, or he'll pull himself together to do his own work, but not after blaming you first, for abandoning him. Be prepared for a rocky ride.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 11-21-2013 at 11:02 AM..
I am looking for any kind of external insight to ameliorate my current dilemma and also to put this out to the universe so it may be released if even partially from my heart. I am tired. My husband has decided to take some college courses. I was very pleased when he went through with this because he has been talking about it for a very long time. I appreciated his drive in seeking higher education. Naturally, I believed that because he decided for himself to go to college, that he would realize that there would be work (sometimes challenging work) to be done. I have my own work and studies to contend with, not to mention the facts that we have two kids, a home and a slobbery dog to take care of too (and food needs to be prepared, laundry needs to be done, etc.).
However, since last month when my husband began his courses, I have discovered that my offer to "assist" if he ran into problems has equated to him thinking that I am supposed to do all of his work for him. I do not mind helping him, but what I am starting to resent is his expectation that I drop everything else to help him. He has not done more than 10 math problems on his own since his classes began, and not only that, I read his entire introductory course for the college (research rules, campus policy and etc.) and took those "tests" for him as well. I have tried to teach him the Art of Google and skimming. He proclaims that he is "troubled" by reading, but he managed to make high NCO rank in the military. He seems to look at equations and functions and just shut down. I actually thought he was going to cry over being tasked to create a simple scatter chart for a study to show a positive correlation and logically state the conclusion. Part of me is disappointed in him...I look at his past achievements and I just know he can do this without me. Yet, he makes me feel as if I am the key to his success here, and I really do not know if that's fair since this was not my choice.
Currently, I have obtained for him a 97.70% average in his math class, but what has he learned? I have benefited from the work and so I don't get Hulk mad, I try to look at helping him as helping myself...because guess what? I used to stink at math too. Suddenly, thanks to "helping him" with his work, I not only have a newly found interest in it, I also see that perhaps living and growing has made me pretty good at it. It comes easy to me now at this point in my life, but my mind is mine. What of him and his? What is he learning from HIS class that HE signed up for? I have told him that I am getting tired of doing his work for him, and he will just sit at the computer and pout like a child and mumble the problem to himself while growing visibly more and more exasperated until I simply either leave the room or do the work for him, because either way, I cannot bear to watch a man I want to respect behave this way. I am really losing respect for him, not so much because he needs assistance...but because he LIED (Help? No I'm doing it, Biscuit) and he won't seek resources for himself. This is not the man I married.
He neglects the housework that he used to do now that he has started these courses. I have spoken to him about pulling his weight because we both work. Now, I leave his things in the laundry room and his dishes in the sink. I only clean up behind myself and the kids if necessary. He also has become a worrier. If he is not stressing over something in the module, he's stressing over the kid's antics. He won't even help the baby (8) with her homework. He acts like an ogre if anyone wants his time as if these courses are just draining his vital reserves. Really? He is a grown man behaving like a baby because he has to put in some work? I am losing respect for him so fast, that I would like to calculate the rate of exponential loss of respect for my husband since these classes began and submit it to his math professor for extra credit, so he can know who has been getting all those 95% and 100% grades for poor little R.
We were having some issues before this, and now...the zit is coming to a head. A line must be drawn somewhere. Yes, I can do his work, possibly with ease, but it is not MY work. If you're wondering, he was NOT like this when I married him. He has acquired a slew of health issues that have taken away from me the man that I once knew. I still love him, but he sometimes acts as if his cognitive function is disabled, not his body. He has never been diagnosed with any mental impairment, so I am at a loss as to why he acts like his work is too difficult to attempt. It is supposed to present a challenge and I informed him of that. He acts like reading at a college level is a dire task, also. He acts like he needs me to read things to him and give him definitions to words that he does not understand. Google is at his fingertips...I just do not understand this man anymore. What has happened? He used to do demolition calculations, and now, this. I realize the body can affect the mind and so can medications (he takes several), but is this normal for a 44 year old man? I want a mate to sharpen myself against, too. Before I come off as a ____________, I'll end here. Should I talk to him about seeing a doctor? How do I do so gently? I really do care about him, and despite my anger, part of me simply wonders what the hell is wrong with him?
This simply sounds like a guy that is good at getting people to do his work while he gets the credit and reward for other peoples work.
Unfortunately, now as his wife, he has slipped up and imported that part of his life onto you. Most of the time, these kind of people dont slip up this way. His desperation in his current situation and his need to get new employment based off of his new studies has has opened a can of worms.
Sometimes this happens, and since you yeild good results for doing his work, he is fine riding your coat tails until you either put him in the position he so desires, or until you no longer are able to help him or excel. At that point, he will find someone elses coat tails to ride and either succeed or fail based on his ability to nride coat tails vs actually being successful at doing his own work.
This is probably a bigger problem than you realize.
What do yoh do now ?
Do you stop doing his school work ? "But baby, just till the end of this class, I dont knwo what im doing and I may fail if you dont help me."
The odd thing here is that he manages to pass his own tests with no knowledge /work on the subject matter.
Odd. Is this online studies in which you take his tests online ? How does someone who isnt a genious pass tests while having performed no work ?
If you are taking his tests, YOU ARE COMMITING FRAUD.
So really, IF you are taking his tests, you are to blame here.
If he takes and passes his tests, then, well, wow. thats kinda impressive.
I am curious how this all pans out. Hopefully you can follow up on this thread from time to time and post updates.
You need to let him sink or swim. If he sinks, it means the academic discipline he chose is not for him, and he needs to find one better suited to his abilities. Either that, or he'll pull himself together to do his own work, but not after blaming you first, for abandoning him. Be prepared for a rocky ride.
He just called me over yet another "USE GOOGLE" issue...this time, the number to the baby's campus so he can speak with her teacher. I have seen for a long time that he is simply lazy and his laziness is getting worse with his depression. I don't want to give up on my marriage because he is an otherwise kind and lovable guy. I can put up with an honest idiot who is not malignant, but I cannot endure willful stupidity. My resentment, coupled with losing respect for him is doing a number on us. I can't really see him as my mate anymore. It's already rocky up in here, the math is just a few more stones on the road.
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