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Lately I've been feeling a bit 'physically ignored' by my boyfriend. Our relationship is great and we are superhappy and he always says that he loves me, but I've been a bit worried for a while that he doesn't find me attractive anymore. We're only been together for a year and three months and for the first couple of months our sex life was amazing, not only did we have sex at least once a day, but it was also super passionate and not just in bed. Also, he made me a lot of comments how pretty I am, how attractive he finds me, how good I look in that dress etc.
If it helps, I'm 26 and he's 29.
Now, he doesn't make me any compliments anymore. I have not changed physically, I haven't gained any weight or changed anything, I still take care of my looks, do sports etc. I'm a slim, fit person and I get a lot of attention of men. Sometimes I dress up really nicely, take care of my make up etc. and he doesn't say anything to it. This weekend we were on a big family reunion of his, and I wore a really nice dress, did my hair etc. Many of his relatives made me compliments, he didn't say anything. He never does, it doesn't matter what I wear or if I wear make up or not, if I have new clothes or whatever. He never makes me compliments or tells me he finds me attractive. And when I once asked him he almost got mad and said I shouldn't ask those stupid questions and I shouldn't doubt about him wanting to be with me. He said he loves me very much, but also in that moment he couldn't say that he finds me attractive or so.
Also, our sex life has changed and I see the link between the above mentioned thing and this. We still have sex frequently (not every day, but couple of times per week), but he doesn't initiate very often. And when he does, it's usually when we're already half naked in bed, like in the evening after watching a movie. We then have sex for like 10 or 15 minutes and then he falls asleep. When I try to initiate sex, he sometimes rejects me, saying that he's tired (which would be okay with me if he initiated sex more often). He doesn't even have a stressful job, but nice normal working hours and nothing has changed in his job in the last year. He sometimes even says he's tired when we didn't do anything the whole day (weekend). Also, when I undress in front of him, or come naked out of the shower he mostly doesn't even look at me, but keeps watching tv or staring at his computer. I don't know, I just don't know it like that. My ex-boyfriend always wanted sex and when I was naked he always looked at me.
I don't know, I just miss the compliments he made me, him saying that he finds me attractive and him intiating sex, having passionate sex and not just every time in the bed while watching tv before falling asleep. Is it just me and I'm expecting too much? Do I make too much a big deal out of it? Or what do you think? And what should I do?
Thanks!
PS: I make him compliments very often, telling him that I like the way he does his hair or that he looks good in a certain jacket etc.
You're probably right, he's lost sexual interest. I can understand being tired but, not to the point where he doesn't even look at you or does not compliment you. That's unacceptable. That does not take any energy. Only 1 year? I think he will end up cheating or dumping you altogether soon.
OP - I honestly don't see anything wrong with your BF's behavior. Maybe you should just stop being an attention ho I am married for less than a year with my husband and the frequency of sex has diminished too but I actually like it coz when we do it the feeling is much much better rather than when we used to do it 3x a day in the beginning of relationship.
I am sorry but I can't relate to your problem of fishing for compliments every freaking day wow how vain and insecure can you be?
I am also not bothered by not having sex as often as before is that REALLY all you wanna do in life? There are more important things in a relationship than that. As long as I am emotionally fulfilled, the lack of physical or verbal attention don't bother me.
PS: I make him compliments very often, telling him that I like the way he does his hair or that he looks good in a certain jacket etc.
Tell him that you are concerned that his failure to acknowledge you and your efforts in the above-noted situations is undermining your confidence in the relationship and that you want to know what is happening. Tell him the minimum requirements that you have for the relationship. And if you don't like his answers, he gets angry, and/or says something to the effect that your questions/statements are stupid or silly, then you tell him the relationship will be over. Done. Finished.
Perfectly normal from your BF. This is what happens in many LTR's. Human nature.
LTR's are hard work and you have to work hard to keep the passion alive.
If you think that the passion from the first few months of a relationship will last another 40 years, then your expectations need to be realigned with reality.
Your options are to:
1. do new, creative things to get him interested. But you have to keep this up forever because eventually he will become bored again;
2. or to be a serial dater like me. Then you can rediscover the passion every few months when the relationship becomes mundane. Phase 1 of the relationship is always the best part.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by josh u
2. or to be a serial dater like me. Then you can rediscover the passion every few months when the relationship becomes mundane. Phase 1 of the relationship is always the best part.
This is why poly is so popular in some respects. The finding of new secondary/tertiary lovers ignites passions.
Also, when I undress in front of him, or come naked out of the shower he mostly doesn't even look at me, but keeps watching tv or staring at his computer. I don't know, I just don't know it like that.
After we've seen you naked about 1000 times the visual affect of your bodies tends to wear off. We still find you attractive, it just doesnt have the "OMG" affect that it had the first 10 times we saw your boobs, butt etc....This is independent of how physically fit you are.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mstea
And when I once asked him he almost got mad and said I shouldn't ask those stupid questions and I shouldn't doubt about him wanting to be with me.
Slightly annoyed because he was in the middle of doing something else or actually mad?? If he got mad then that's a bad sign because the two of you should be able to talk openly about such issues without judging each other or getting upset.
I don't think the problem is with him. From everything that you've written, you have a great relationship with him. He cuddles you, tells you how much he loves you, and he's open/honest and has given you no reason to question him.
First, you said you only had sex a couple times a week. Then, it's 3-4 times a week. First, you said he doesn't compliment you at all. Then, you later admit that he's always cuddling you and telling you how much he loves you.
It sounds like you have a great relationship but need something to complain about, so you're nitpicking anything you can to find a flaw. Relationships slow down after a while so after a year, I think this is a pretty strong relationship.
You've mentioned your looks, but you haven't mentioned any of your actions in the relationship to help it flourish other than initiating sex, complimenting him and walking around naked. If you think that's all you need to do to help a relationship flourish, then I understand where the problem originates. This is definitely a two way street, so it's not YOU that's the problem. It's always a combination of things in two people that just mixes together wrong. In this case, you need more appreciation, and he probably feels like he's giving you enough, hence his annoyance when you question him.
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I am married for less than a year with my husband and the frequency of sex has diminished too but I actually like it coz when we do it the feeling is much much better rather than when we used to do it 3x a day in the beginning of relationship.
