Really big concern about BF's former crush and other events... (dating, boyfriend)

[ketoMote]

Background: We've been dating for a year and 4 months, mid to late twenties, and have been pseudo-living with each other for the past 3 months (I hd already owned a house but have been staying at his place, closer to both of our jobs).

I am concerned about an old crush of his who he talks nothing about really. We had a big discussion following him not including me in an activity with his ex girlfriend (who I'll refer to has Girl 1). It was originally supposed to be him and his guy friend and his ex girlfriend making/preparing dinner at his place, which turned into his friend canceling and him asking me if he could still have the plans. I told him no, that it was basically a date, even though she has a fiancé. I said that lunch was fine out somewhere, but that I wasn't comfortable with them being alone at his apartment. He said that he would make other plans, and he said that they planned to go out for lunch. I called him at about 2 to drop off a package and stopped by, finding that he was cooking a meal - he asked if I wanted to stick around. I asked him if she was coming over for dinner anyway, and he said yes and I stormed out. I came back and we talked and asked him why he was doing exactly what I told him not to do. He said that he was such an idiot and that she was running late and that he got hungry and started cooking for himself so that he could have something before they ate. I felt like if I believed this I was being naive and so I left wondering if plans were even supposed to be with all 3 friends originally or if this was just him trying to have dinner with her as perhaps intended.

I gave myself the weekend to cool down and think and he was extremely apologetic and sincere about how he messed up. I asked him why I wasn't invited to this dinner to begin with with friends and he said that he was just dumb and wasn't thinking. Overall, he's a little immature, and if I gave him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he was just being dumb. But I told him clear rules based on my feelings and uneasiness and he did not follow them.

Additionally during that discussion, I brought up his "people to buy for" on his Christmas list which included the name of 3 non-family females, including myself and 2 of his female friends. 1 is off in another country. He had a crush on this girl (I'll refer to her as Girl 2) right before he started dating me for a long time. He didn't tell me this, but it is something that I know from other friends.

The other girl (Girl 3) is someone that he had a crush on as well for a long time, who has a fiancé. I know that during the Christmas before our first date that they spent a small time together (in secret, her fiancé has no idea about this) in which they didn't do anything sexual, but they kissed and laid down with each other. She was still with her fiancé at the time. She went back out of state after that night, back to her fiancé. This is also knowledge that I have that he doesn't know that I know.

So back to the conversation - I asked him if either of the girls on that list was a previous love interest and why they were the only girls getting gifts for Christmas and not any of his other female friends that he was going to see during the holidays. He said that Girl 2 was just a really good friend and she never gets to have American things. Ok, good, I'm fine with that, that's understandable. He said that Girl 3, he had a crush on in high school, but she's like a sister to him. I asked him again, so nothing ever happened? He said no. I know that's not true. Perhaps he was just trying to protect their friendship, understandable. But still a lie.

Fast forward a few months later to the past few days. I have been very sick and stuck at his place all weekend and he went out to have fun at his friend's place playing games, drinking, etc. with friends that were in from out of town for the holiday. I noticed when he got back that he was doing more texting than usual, but didn't really make a fuss about it. Still up to yesterday, a lot of texting. He was smiling at a text at some point and I asked him, "what's got you smiling"? And he said "oh, my friend Mike texted me and I forgot to text him back, I'm bad at responding to texts"! He said "[enter joke here]" and I laughed.

As my trust had been breaking down over the weekend and I just got this gut feeling, I checked his texts this morning. Turns out he wasn't replying to his friend's text, he was texting with Girl 3… a lot. I also learned that they were texting all night on Friday back and forth flirting about how she couldn't win in a fight with him and he would totally win, but nothing sexual. He was saying she was lame for not being there and hanging out with them and then she said that she was going to get out of bed and go over even though she was sleepy. So she went for a couple of hours and then went back home. The next day, Saturday, more texting all day, starting at 7 am since he was still awake with his other friends, texting about random things. He barely texted me much at all that day. Sunday more texting all day about how it was a pleasure to see her, as always. She was flying back that day apparently. He came back to the house that day, and I'm not sure if this is worth mentioning, but when he got back on Sunday he basically threw himself on me and we had a very passionate reunion, which is not his usual behavior. Random conversational texting with Girl 3 the rest of the night, and it looks like a lot of it when I wasn't around (I have to leave to go to my house at night to take care of things, and a lot of texting happens at that time). On Monday he sent a text right after working asking how her Monday was and they kept texting all night. Most of the times he was texting her I notice now that he had either gone to the bathroom or left the room to go to the kitchen or something. And still texting Tuesday and Wednesday all day after work through bed time.

Additionally whilst looking at his texts, I saw a text from yesterday from his ex, Girl 1, telling him that they needed to make dinner together before she left (she's moving out of town with her fiancé) because he bailed the first time. She asked if I was making him not allowed to talk to her, but he replied no not at all. She said that they needed to make dinner at least two times before she leaves and he agreed saying that he will find a time.

So, I'm kind of lost. I understand that he's close with all of his friends and I understand that Girl 3 is like a sister to him, from his words. But I am not sure if that amount of texting is acceptable and it makes me very uncomfortable. I know that he had a thing for her for a very long time before we started dating and that right before we started dating (like the day before) that he had this moment with her. I'm pretty sure he's still emotionally attached to her and judging from all of the texting, it seems that maybe he still is, even though there are no feeling or emotion texts other than the initial flirting from the night before. Even if I were to talk to him about it and he argues that she's a close friend who he doesn't see often… well he has a lot of guy friends just like that too. Where are the endless texts with them? I don't know if I am over thinking it or if it really is inappropriate. I just know that, now that I know the volume of texts and that he neglected to tell me that Girl 3 was there on Friday night when he mentioned the other guys that were there, that this is making me very uncomfortable.

The making dinner with Girl 1 thing I'd like to wait and see if he's honest and just asks me if it's ok. If he is at least honest about that, I will feel much better. But even so, that makes me uncomfortable too, as it's basically a date with his ex girlfriend. And she wants to do this twice?

I don't know how to bring up the thing with Girl 3 or just see if the texting continues. My concern is that he has been talking about moving forward with me (marriage, etc.), but that he still is hung up on Girl 3. Do people still stay hung up on past love interests/crushes when serious with someone else and if so, is that ok/normal? Am I a placeholder for what he wants with her? He hasn't cheated or anything, but I almost feel like this is... like it's emotional cheating? Even though there's not specifically that kind of texting. Is this something that is worth working on with him and staying in the relationship since he really does want my relationship with him to move forward to marriage? How do I even bring this up?

[D217]

I think all the texting is ridiculous and I can see why you find it bothersome. All the snooping isn't cool either, or I should say, feeling the need to snoop.... You're caught between a rock & a hard place: confront him about it (again) and you're "the controlling gf"; leave him alone and he'll still be cooking this other girl dinner -twice! Either way, you can't win.. You talk about marriage but can't even trust this guy, and who knows whether or not he can be trusted...? But what IS clear is that you cannot be trusted to NOT invade his privacy. So, imagine living that way for the rest of however long this relationship lasts....Fix what needs fixing.

[Mikala43]

Cumulatively it doesn't look very good. I don't know what partner "forgets" to invite the other person, who essentially lives with them, to a party or get together. I think one of the most important things for partners to remember is maintaining an appearance of propriety. I'm not going to run around doing stuff that looks bad...... because it looks bad, and I wouldn't want my partner to wonder. I think it's basic consideration.

But I get the feeling you are intent upon changing him, even to the point where you essentially excuse him by saying he can be dense.... which I guess is more okay in your book.

[rego00123]

So he has a crush on his sister?

It looks like the "boundaries" talk is in order for the both of you. Don't expect him to change his behavior though...

[randomlikeme]

I always think if you feel the need to snoop, you don't trust your partner. If you don't trust your partner, what is the relationship really worth anyway?

[kat949]

Originally Posted by ketoMote

Background: We've been dating for a year and 4 months, mid to late twenties, and have been pseudo-living with each other for the past 3 months (I hd already owned a house but have been staying at his place, closer to both of our jobs).

I am concerned about an old crush of his who he talks nothing about really. We had a big discussion following him not including me in an activity with his ex girlfriend (who I'll refer to has Girl 1). It was originally supposed to be him and his guy friend and his ex girlfriend making/preparing dinner at his place, which turned into his friend canceling and him asking me if he could still have the plans. I told him no, that it was basically a date, even though she has a fiancé. I said that lunch was fine out somewhere, but that I wasn't comfortable with them being alone at his apartment. He said that he would make other plans, and he said that they planned to go out for lunch. I called him at about 2 to drop off a package and stopped by, finding that he was cooking a meal - he asked if I wanted to stick around. I asked him if she was coming over for dinner anyway, and he said yes and I stormed out. I came back and we talked and asked him why he was doing exactly what I told him not to do. He said that he was such an idiot and that she was running late and that he got hungry and started cooking for himself so that he could have something before they ate. I felt like if I believed this I was being naive and so I left wondering if plans were even supposed to be with all 3 friends originally or if this was just him trying to have dinner with her as perhaps intended.

I gave myself the weekend to cool down and think and he was extremely apologetic and sincere about how he messed up. I asked him why I wasn't invited to this dinner to begin with with friends and he said that he was just dumb and wasn't thinking. Overall, he's a little immature, and if I gave him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he was just being dumb. But I told him clear rules based on my feelings and uneasiness and he did not follow them.

Additionally during that discussion, I brought up his "people to buy for" on his Christmas list which included the name of 3 non-family females, including myself and 2 of his female friends. 1 is off in another country. He had a crush on this girl (I'll refer to her as Girl 2) right before he started dating me for a long time. He didn't tell me this, but it is something that I know from other friends.

The other girl (Girl 3) is someone that he had a crush on as well for a long time, who has a fiancé. I know that during the Christmas before our first date that they spent a small time together (in secret, her fiancé has no idea about this) in which they didn't do anything sexual, but they kissed and laid down with each other. She was still with her fiancé at the time. She went back out of state after that night, back to her fiancé. This is also knowledge that I have that he doesn't know that I know.

So back to the conversation - I asked him if either of the girls on that list was a previous love interest and why they were the only girls getting gifts for Christmas and not any of his other female friends that he was going to see during the holidays. He said that Girl 2 was just a really good friend and she never gets to have American things. Ok, good, I'm fine with that, that's understandable. He said that Girl 3, he had a crush on in high school, but she's like a sister to him. I asked him again, so nothing ever happened? He said no. I know that's not true. Perhaps he was just trying to protect their friendship, understandable. But still a lie.

Fast forward a few months later to the past few days. I have been very sick and stuck at his place all weekend and he went out to have fun at his friend's place playing games, drinking, etc. with friends that were in from out of town for the holiday. I noticed when he got back that he was doing more texting than usual, but didn't really make a fuss about it. Still up to yesterday, a lot of texting. He was smiling at a text at some point and I asked him, "what's got you smiling"? And he said "oh, my friend Mike texted me and I forgot to text him back, I'm bad at responding to texts"! He said "[enter joke here]" and I laughed.

As my trust had been breaking down over the weekend and I just got this gut feeling, I checked his texts this morning. Turns out he wasn't replying to his friend's text, he was texting with Girl 3… a lot. I also learned that they were texting all night on Friday back and forth flirting about how she couldn't win in a fight with him and he would totally win, but nothing sexual. He was saying she was lame for not being there and hanging out with them and then she said that she was going to get out of bed and go over even though she was sleepy. So she went for a couple of hours and then went back home. The next day, Saturday, more texting all day, starting at 7 am since he was still awake with his other friends, texting about random things. He barely texted me much at all that day. Sunday more texting all day about how it was a pleasure to see her, as always. She was flying back that day apparently. He came back to the house that day, and I'm not sure if this is worth mentioning, but when he got back on Sunday he basically threw himself on me and we had a very passionate reunion, which is not his usual behavior. Random conversational texting with Girl 3 the rest of the night, and it looks like a lot of it when I wasn't around (I have to leave to go to my house at night to take care of things, and a lot of texting happens at that time). On Monday he sent a text right after working asking how her Monday was and they kept texting all night. Most of the times he was texting her I notice now that he had either gone to the bathroom or left the room to go to the kitchen or something. And still texting Tuesday and Wednesday all day after work through bed time.

Additionally whilst looking at his texts, I saw a text from yesterday from his ex, Girl 1, telling him that they needed to make dinner together before she left (she's moving out of town with her fiancé) because he bailed the first time. She asked if I was making him not allowed to talk to her, but he replied no not at all. She said that they needed to make dinner at least two times before she leaves and he agreed saying that he will find a time.

So, I'm kind of lost. I understand that he's close with all of his friends and I understand that Girl 3 is like a sister to him, from his words. But I am not sure if that amount of texting is acceptable and it makes me very uncomfortable. I know that he had a thing for her for a very long time before we started dating and that right before we started dating (like the day before) that he had this moment with her. I'm pretty sure he's still emotionally attached to her and judging from all of the texting, it seems that maybe he still is, even though there are no feeling or emotion texts other than the initial flirting from the night before. Even if I were to talk to him about it and he argues that she's a close friend who he doesn't see often… well he has a lot of guy friends just like that too. Where are the endless texts with them? I don't know if I am over thinking it or if it really is inappropriate. I just know that, now that I know the volume of texts and that he neglected to tell me that Girl 3 was there on Friday night when he mentioned the other guys that were there, that this is making me very uncomfortable.

The making dinner with Girl 1 thing I'd like to wait and see if he's honest and just asks me if it's ok. If he is at least honest about that, I will feel much better. But even so, that makes me uncomfortable too, as it's basically a date with his ex girlfriend. And she wants to do this twice?

I don't know how to bring up the thing with Girl 3 or just see if the texting continues. My concern is that he has been talking about moving forward with me (marriage, etc.), but that he still is hung up on Girl 3. Do people still stay hung up on past love interests/crushes when serious with someone else and if so, is that ok/normal? Am I a placeholder for what he wants with her? He hasn't cheated or anything, but I almost feel like this is... like it's emotional cheating? Even though there's not specifically that kind of texting. Is this something that is worth working on with him and staying in the relationship since he really does want my relationship with him to move forward to marriage? How do I even bring this up?

Do you feel like your boyfriend cares about you?

Are you happy with him?

Does the amount of time where you're happy with him outweigh the times when you're not?

Sounds like this relationship isn't adding much to your life, except for more headaches.

Understand your worth and take care of yourself so you can walk out. You're not his #1 priority if he doesn't invite you to spend time with people he calls friends. And, he wouldn't just 'forget,' and if he does, it just further justifies why you need to move on.

[Lilac110]

Originally Posted by ketoMote

As my trust had been breaking down over the weekend and I just got this gut feeling, I checked his texts this morning. Turns out he wasn't replying to his friend's text, he was texting with Girl 3… a lot.

You don't trust him. Strike 1.

You snooped, and regardless of what the ends were, the means show that you can't be trusted, yourself. Strike 2.

He lied. Strike 3.

This relationship is out.

[strawberrykiki]

I wouldn't put up with my SO texting other women all the time. I was going to say especially ex girlfriends or women he had a crush on prior to meeting me, but really any woman at all unless it was his blood related sister or his mother. End of story. Texting a female friend here or there is one thing but constant back and forth non stop for days? I don't do that with anyone.

[meaning]

Your BF is a playa. And he has mad skillzzz in making up stupid excuses. LOL. Wow. I don't really know why many women like you exist to be made fools by these scumbags.

Sorry but it's true. I wish it weren't but....

BOTTOM LINE:

you are treated the way you let them treat you.

I always say I have good scumbag radar because these foolishness I just read will never happen to me because I WON'T ALLOW myself to be fooled.

Simple as that.

And yes, I read ALL her post, LOL. I was shaking my head like linda blair in the exorcist while doing it.