When should we include my sister's new BF? (never)
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This is the deal; my sis and I are in our late forties. I have two kids, a husband and a house. She's divorced, no kids and an apartment. Consequently, we take care of every holiday and most birthdays (which includes my widowed mother) since our place is bigger and we have the family (easier for sis and mom to come here). It seems that every two years she gets a new boyfriend, who we end up including, and then they break up. My husband is not happy about strangers coming into our home, and us having to feed them. I'm more of the "more the merrier" type. After her divorce, she's now on BF number five (been together since the summer). She's upset that we did not invite the new guy for Thanksgving or Christmas. Are we wrong to do this?
Also, our mother isn't happy about meeting this guy since she's sick of the revolving door.
Maybe she has trouble keeping a boyfriend because they are turned off by the unfriendly behavior of your husband and mother?
Seriously, if I bring a guy home, it might not be because I'm serious about him, but I'd like to think my parents would put their best foot forward. We've had strays of all kinds at family holidays and it gives us new topics of conversation to get to know them. Yes, boyfriend should bring wine or dessert or a box of chocolates or a twelve pack. Coach your sister on what he should bring to make your husband feel better about feeding him.
What's the alternative? If your sister is serious about a guy, they could just as easily go spend the holiday with his family. So your family has to decide what is more important to them.
Heck, consider her lucky to have a boyfriend at the holidays and be happy for her.
I would allow my sister to bring anyone over she wants to...I couldn't imagine asking her not to bring her friend with her.
I think it's disrespectful towards her if you do.
I am certainly glad I have the family I have, even if some of us don't get along we still try and we are at the very least cordial during family gatherings.
This is the deal; my sis and I are in our late forties. I have two kids, a husband and a house. She's divorced, no kids and an apartment. Consequently, we take care of every holiday and most birthdays (which includes my widowed mother) since our place is bigger and we have the family (easier for sis and mom to come here). It seems that every two years she gets a new boyfriend, who we end up including, and then they break up. My husband is not happy about strangers coming into our home, and us having to feed them. I'm more of the "more the merrier" type. After her divorce, she's now on BF number five (been together since the summer). She's upset that we did not invite the new guy for Thanksgving or Christmas. Are we wrong to do this?
Also, our mother isn't happy about meeting this guy since she's sick of the revolving door.
There is nothing inherently wrong with a "revolving door" when in the dating market. Sometimes that's what it takes to find the right person. Is she supposed to settle for someone who's not right for her instead?
If you have no reason to believe the guy is some kind of shady character, IMO he's gone long enough without having met the family. Christmastime when the whole family is gathered together in one spot seems the most apt time to introduce him into the family. One couldn't blame him if he starts to think his GF comes from an uncharitable or closed-off family -- which could affect their own relationship.
I think you are being disrespectful to your sister.
When a relationship is toxic/abusive, sometimes the people close to you draw boundaries by saying you are always invited but s/he is not because they can’t tolerate how s/he treats you. But, this doesn´t seem to be the case here.
Your husband needs an attitude adjustment, and you should feel badly about letting him convince you not to include whoever sis is dating when holidays roll around.
You husband has a home, a wife and kids - HE'S RICH.
Your sis has precious little and yet your guy wants to begrudge her the opportunity to share the holidays with a special person.
So what if she's on boyfriend #5? I mean really?? At least she's out there TRYING to live and enjoy her life - TRYING to find that someone special we all hope to have.
Shame on your husband for being so petty as to not want to welcome, or worse yet! FEED a stranger at Christmas
Exactly. Sounds like there is a lot of judging going on by the two of you. Your sister is entitled to bring a friend to holiday events isn't she? Because she is divorced she should go to social events alone?
When was the last time you were single? Have a little compassion, sheesh.
I agree with most of the posters here. Assuming that she's not dating anyone violent, a child abuser, etc... If your sister feels that the relationship she has with her current boyfriend warrants celebrating the holidays with him, then he should be invited. It should be her choice.
I have to wonder, why would the family not want to get to know, whoever she is dating?
I guarantee you, if you tell her the guy is not invited, two things will happen: 1. she'll be very hurt and offended, she'll feel judged, and also feel that she is being slighted for not having a romantic relationship up to her family's standards (not a nice message to send at all, much less during the holidays, and 2. she'll end up marrying the guy that isn't invited, and he'll forever have a grudge against her family for being so unwelcoming.
Yes when i was going to college my dad used to ask do any of your friends or roommates not have anywhere to go for christmas and when I told him I might have one that has no place to go , my dad always told me bring them home no one should be alone on christmas and my dad would go and get them a gift too . Well we lost our dad last year and really your husband is a mean spirited man and should say of course you must invite . Your husband is blessed and he should want to pass that blessing onto someone else . My goodness you have already judged this man and he probably feels it as well . I think you all need to get over yourselves and ask your sisters bf to dinner at least ....
For the record, I got the same treatment from my wife's father's family when we were dating. To my wife's credit, she refused to attend any family function to which she was invited and I wasn't. They begrudgingly accepted me (or my presence anyway) after we married, but our relationship with her father and step-mother is still strained to this day.
By contrast, I was immediately accepted by her mom's side of the family, and her siblings on her mom's side have always welcomed me because their mom set the tone. Unfortunately, her dad and step-mom set a very different tone that my wife's siblings on that side of the family also followed, though one of them eventually came around. Best I can tell, the other one still doesn't care whether I live or die, which I suppose is an improvement from the active contempt he used to demonstrate.
Thanks everyone. I'm hearing what I already knew, and you all are confirming why I started this thread. I feel bad and needed to hear why.
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