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The WORLD might be overpopulated, but most rich countries are LOSING people, which means dire prospects for their futures (especially Japan and several European countries).
This has been the solution in the U.S. for a long time. The only reason why the U.S. has kept up with the birth rates needed to sustain it's economy is because of immigrants (documented and undocumented), who traditionally have more babies than U.S. born citizens.
It doesn't mean you don't take the kids to a doctor or let their father beat them, it just means instead of signing up for yet another weekend activity with your child (I have more than one as well, who is not disabled in any way), I leave them with grandpa and we go on a date instead. I buy them budget/used clothing and spend that money on nights out with their dad, rather than nice clothes with nothing left over for ourselves.
Putting your marriage first is critical, it's the foundation of the family. It doesn't mean neglecting your children in any way, it just means prioritizing it above unnecessary things for the kids. I know plenty of stay-at-home-moms at my mom's group who have $50 to spend at superfunslideworld with the kids, but then whine and complain they can't afford a teenage girl to babysit for one hour. That is all fine and well in the short-term but long term? I'm sure it takes a toll.
I can not think of many more unpleasant things for my autistic child than to be shuttled back and forth between split homes.
I'm not American. I find American moms to be quite pressured to have it all, the full-time work, the extracurriculars, be a great mom and great wife. No surprise the divorce rate is right down the toilet.
Why do I need to go on "date night" once a week to protect my marriage from dissolution. That idea is so trendy. My parents were married up until my dad's death several years ago. They had four kids in S.F. during the 60's and reared us during the 70's and 80's. My dad was a doctor and my mom was in social services for the city. They never went on "date night". We went away during the Summer for vacations with our extended family from the East coast to camp in Maine and we would visit Oahu, where my mom was from every couple of years. It was expensive to travel with four kids back then and things were not as family friendly. It was a different time; things were much simpler. My parents were quite happy with their marriage as they spent some alone time in the evenings and on the weekends. We also were encouraged to volunteer and we helped out with a community church quite often. It was more important to my parents that their kids develop healthy relationships with each other, as a family, and work in the community.
They would laugh at the thought of spending money to hire a babysitter to watch four children so they could go out to dinner. My parents would hire a baby sitter only when one of of my parents had an event to attend or to go to the opera. They didn't stay out too long and they didn't make it a habit. I would never spend $100. to go to the movies with my husband. I would have to pay a babysitter about $20. an hour; that is $60. for three hours and doesn't include two adult tickets, popcorn, etc..
I think you should worry about your own marriage and I will worry about mine. My husband are still sexually active and have a three and half story house so there are more private areas in our house, away from the kids,to have alone time. We sometimes meet during the day while the kids are in school to see a movie or have lunch. I am amused that some couples think it necessary to go out on "date night" once a week, otherwise their marriage is doomed.
My parents did fine with four kids, a full time career for my dad and full time for my mom, once the last sibling was in kindergarten. And btw, I am a stay at home mom, I don't take my kids to a bunch of after school events, and I am not running around stressed all the time. My family and I take two-three extended vacations a year and my husband and I use that time to recharge our batteries. It works for us. Live and let live. We all don't have to live the same cookie cutter existence. I am quite happy in my marriage. Thank you.
Last edited by Yankeemama; 01-16-2014 at 09:08 PM..
This raises a good point. While it's obviously important that children aren't neglected, it's also healthy for them to see that their parents have aspects of their lives that don't revolve around them, IMO.
Children learn not just what we teach them, but also from what they observe. They learn about love relationships through the behaviours and interactions of their parents.
Yankeemama commented that "date night" is a new trend, that her parents didn't do that when parenting in the 70s and 80s. Mine did, but it wasn't called that then. IMO, the difference is because back then, our lives were not as kid-centric as they seem to be today. Helicopter parents, Tiger Moms, overindulgence didn't seem to exist, or at least were not as prevalent as now.
Every family member is important, and everyone has needs, not just the kids. I've heard a saying that one of the best gifts you can give your child is to love their other parent. That obviously won't work for everyone, but it's not wrong.
Individual housholds will vary, but my parents did things on occasion in the 80's as a couple without me. They also did plenty with me. I never felt cast aside, and their marriage has stood the test of time.
That said, if we want to introduce the argument that in the 70's and 80's, couple's did not take as much time to have one on one time, date nights, or to work on building and maintaining their relationship within that of their greater family... then maybe that would go a long way in explaining why divorce rates peaked in that time frame... and if couples now are taking more private time to build their relationships, it may also explain why divorce rates have slowly been receding back some since then.
I think the point is, a married couple needs to do what is best in their own individual situation (whatever that is) to maintain and grow their marriage together to maintain a happy and healthy relationship, along with providing a caring and nurturing environment for their children.
Why do I need to go on "date night" once a week to protect my marriage from dissolution. That idea is so trendy. My parents were married up until my dad's death several years ago. They had four kids in S.F. during the 60's and reared us during the 70's and 80's. My dad was a doctor and my mom was in social services for the city. They never went on "date night". We went away during the Summer for vacations with our extended family from the East coast to camp in Maine and we would visit Oahu, where my mom was from every couple of years. It was expensive to travel with four kids back then and things were not as family friendly. It was a different time; things were much simpler. My parents were quite happy with their marriage as they spent some alone time in the evenings and on the weekends. We also were encouraged to volunteer and we helped out with a community church quite often. It was more important to my parents that their kids develop healthy relationships with each other, as a family, and work in the community.
They would laugh at the thought of spending money to hire a babysitter to watch four children so they could go out to dinner. My parents would hire a baby sitter only when one of of my parents had an event to attend or to go to the opera. They didn't stay out too long and they didn't make it a habit. I would never spend $100. to go to the movies with my husband. I would have to pay a babysitter about $20. an hour; that is $60. for three hours and doesn't include two adult tickets, popcorn, etc..
I think you should worry about your own marriage and I will worry about mine. My husband are still sexually active and have a three and half story house so there are more private areas in our house, away from the kids,to have alone time. We sometimes meet during the day while the kids are in school to see a movie or have lunch. I am amused that some couples think it necessary to go out on "date night" once a week, otherwise their marriage is doomed.
My parents did fine with four kids, a full time career for my dad and full time for my mom, once the last sibling was in kindergarten. And btw, I am a stay at home mom, I don't take my kids to a bunch of after school events, and I am not running around stressed all the time. My family and I take two-three extended vacations a year and my husband and I use that time to recharge our batteries. It works for us. Live and let live. We all don't have to live the same cookie cutter existence. I am quite happy in my marriage. Thank you.
You do whatever you want, it's your marriage, I don't care. Our dates are often no more than a walk outside or a $1 coffee - if you don't know how to have a date for under $100, then you are better off staying at home anyways.
Your marriage is not doomed - you have already said that you guys spend a lot of quality time together, have an active sex life, and meet up during the day on occasion. Lots of couples haven't spent more than an hour together for MONTHS on end, I know because they talk about it all the time at my sahm's group. That IMO is not healthy. What you do, is not what we refer to.
You do whatever you want, it's your marriage, I don't care. Our dates are often no more than a walk outside or a $1 coffee - if you don't know how to have a date for under $100, then you are better off staying at home anyways.
Your marriage is not doomed - you have already said that you guys spend a lot of quality time together, have an active sex life, and meet up during the day on occasion. Lots of couples haven't spent more than an hour together for MONTHS on end, I know because they talk about it all the time at my sahm's group. That IMO is not healthy. What you do, is not what we refer to.
Didn't you say you don't understand why parents don't get a babysitter. I was answering your question in that regard. A babysitter for our family and it's extensive special needs would run us $20. an hour and for us, we would rather save our money for our vacations, like my parents did. We go to visit family on Oahu for several weeks and meet up with cousins and Aunties, a Uncles. Aunties watch the kids, my mom cones from S.F. and watches the kids. We all hang out with our extended family. We travel with the kids over a month every year and our batteries are recharged that way. We never pay a babysitter. I am really getting to the point that couples get their "alone time" their own way and secondly, in an economy where we are so fortunate to have a good paying job, why should we feel compelled to spend $60. per week on a babysitter. I would rather save that money. My parents did it. Worked for them... married over 35 years.
Individual housholds will vary, but my parents did things on occasion in the 80's as a couple without me. They also did plenty with me. I never felt cast aside, and their marriage has stood the test of time.
That said, if we want to introduce the argument that in the 70's and 80's, couple's did not take as much time to have one on one time, date nights, or to work on building and maintaining their relationship within that of their greater family... then maybe that would go a long way in explaining why divorce rates peaked in that time frame... and if couples now are taking more private time to build their relationships, it may also explain why divorce rates have slowly been receding back some since then.
I think the point is, a married couple needs to do what is best in their own individual situation (whatever that is) to maintain and grow their marriage together to maintain a happy and healthy relationship, along with providing a caring and nurturing environment for their children.
I think I mentioned opinion my post that my husband and I get together while the kids are in school. We also take extended family trips where the kids hang with their relatives and hubby and I will go to dinner, he will dive with his buddies, I will do yoga class with my friends. We don't ever pay a babysitter because that is the way we do things and I am making the point that a couple doesn't gave to pay a babysitter and go out on a "date" to be connected and intimate. My parents never got divorced. I think there were many reasons why couples got divorced in droves during the 80's.
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