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I won't go into the how it happened (my previous thread explains most of it), but now that my wife and I are going through the divorce I'm feeling angry about the whole thing. Angry at myself for not being able to stop it, and angry at her for justifying starting a relationship with someone else because she wasn't getting what she wanted from me emotionally. She keeps telling me I'm a good provider and have always been on the same page with the finances, yet this is not enough of a reason to stay married. My record of in the entire 28 years we were together (4 dating and 24 married) I NEVER CHEATED, HIT OR CURSED AT HER. So what?? That didn't mean anything in the end either. My depression doesn't even fly as an excuse. She just felt I would not change as a person and always be emotionally unavailable to her when she needs me the most. Sure I went and held up every time I was there for her emotionally, but in the end the times I wasn't there hold the most weight for her. So why the anger?? If anyone out there can shed a little light it would be much appreciated. Oh yes the fact that she says she will always love me pisses me off too!!
I know that anger is one of the most unpleasant emotions to feel, but anger keeps you alive. It's the emotion that keeps you from slinking off to the bathtub with a pack of straight razors. Anger means you are trying to survive.
People who wrong others say a**hole things during a split, like, "We can still be friends" and "I will always love you." These (false?) platitudes make them feel like less of a sh*thead.
Of course you can't "change as a person." But your wife knew who you were (hopefully) when she married you. Why wait this long to bring it up? Why stew about it for years and years? Sounds like a straw man argument to me.
I am really sorry this is happening to you -- I do mean that. I am. I was just unceremoniously dismissed for no (good) reason, so I know how you must be feeling, having given it your all.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Ok, got it you're hurt and angry, you have every right to be. But because you never cheated on her, hit her, cursed at her and "provided" (financially) it should be all ok?
She care about you, probably always will, but she isn't in love with you anymore and wants to move on. 24 years is a heck of a run, that's pretty darn successful. Be proud of that.
Ok, got it you're hurt and angry, you have every right to be. But because you never cheated on her, hit her, cursed at her and "provided" (financially) it should be all ok?
She care about you, probably always will, be she isn't in love with you anymore and wants to move on. 24 years is a heck of a run, that's pretty darn successful. Be proud of that.
Rationally I understand what you are saying. I did the best I knew how to make her happy all along ignoring my own issues. When I finally told her I needed to be able to help myself before I could help her it was too late. I've heard I'm a good person from everyone yet I don't believe it. That's part of the problem with me. Bad things happen to good people all the time. Its part of life.
I won't go into the how it happened (my previous thread explains most of it), but now that my wife and I are going through the divorce I'm feeling angry about the whole thing. Angry at myself for not being able to stop it, and angry at her for justifying starting a relationship with someone else because she wasn't getting what she wanted from me emotionally. She keeps telling me I'm a good provider and have always been on the same page with the finances, yet this is not enough of a reason to stay married. My record of in the entire 28 years we were together (4 dating and 24 married) I NEVER CHEATED, HIT OR CURSED AT HER. So what?? That didn't mean anything in the end either. My depression doesn't even fly as an excuse. She just felt I would not change as a person and always be emotionally unavailable to her when she needs me the most. Sure I went and held up every time I was there for her emotionally, but in the end the times I wasn't there hold the most weight for her. So why the anger?? If anyone out there can shed a little light it would be much appreciated. Oh yes the fact that she says she will always love me pisses me off too!!
I can totally relate, and I do mean TOTALLY! I went through the I was a good man, never did this to her or that to her, but at the end of the day, she made a choice, and you have to respect that. You are going to have to get used to some big changes in your life, and the best way to adjust to those changes are to think clearly and with as little emotion as possible. Right now, you are about to go through the business part of ending your marriage, and you need a clear head. I know easier said than done, but if you want to be happy again, you're going to have to do it.
Ok, got it you're hurt and angry, you have every right to be. But because you never cheated on her, hit her, cursed at her and "provided" (financially) it should be all ok?
She care about you, probably always will, but she isn't in love with you anymore and wants to move on. 24 years is a heck of a run, that's pretty darn successful. Be proud of that.
There appear to be two schools of thought. One, which I'll call "traditional", says that not-cheating/hitting/cursing, being a good provider and a responsible adult are sufficient conditions for a marriage. Meet those conditions, and dissolving a marriage becomes specious and vain. The second school, which I'll call "modern", says that the principal purpose of a marriage is mutual happiness, and if one of the partners feels serious doubt that her/his happiness is propitiated by the marriage, then the marriage should be dissolved. We are seeing growth of the second viewpoint and retreat of the former, as antiquated and myopic. Personally I don't support such a trend, but nevertheless, there it is.
Regarding the OP's marriage, obviously we don't know the details, but the pattern is familiar. One of the partners (typically the husband) remains invariant and predictable; perhaps stodgy, even dull, but very much the same man at 50 as at 30. The other partner (typically the wife) has changed. Her values have changed, her outlook on life, her priorities, her expectations, what animates her, what gives her reason to get out of bed every morning. Slowly, but over time quite substantially, these things changed. But her husband didn't notice. Maybe he was oblivious or insensitive. Maybe the wife was not sufficiently communicative. In any case, she changed, but he did not, and now they're no longer the same couple that got married all of those years ago. The wife no longer feels that continuing the marriage is worthwhile, but the husband is utterly stunned that such an opinion could even be formed, let alone acted upon.
I have no advice for the OP - only sympathy, and the consolation that his case isn't unique, or even unusual.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 37,012,374 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by ohio_peasant
There appear to be two schools of thought. One, which I'll call "traditional", says that not-cheating/hitting/cursing, being a good provider and a responsible adult are sufficient conditions for a marriage. Meet those conditions, and dissolving a marriage becomes specious and vain. The second school, which I'll call "modern", says that the principal purpose of a marriage is mutual happiness, and if one of the partners feels serious doubt that her/his happiness is propitiated by the marriage, then the marriage should be dissolved. We are seeing growth of the second viewpoint and retreat of the former, as antiquated and myopic. Personally I don't support such a trend, but nevertheless, there it is.
Fair enough. I do support the trend. No reason to be in any relationship unless you like being in the relationship. If not, go be single, nothing wrong with that.
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