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Ok, that is excellent progress for the two of you!
How does she feel about her orgasms, now? Did she find the loss of control upsetting? Or is she enthusiastic about repeating the experience? Has it become something you two make sure happens every time you have sex?
These questions are to help me/us understand whether her lack of orgasms before had a psychological component, or a physical one, or was just do to lack of skill (for both of you).
Does this mean that she no longer has the complaint about sex? Is that because she is now enjoying it more, or because you stopped pressuring her, or some other reason?
She hasn't brought it up. I do think she's slowly becoming more interested in sex, but it feels forced. It was really my insistence on counseling that helped her "get it" that I was serious about this "problem" (lack of intimacy/sex) that she never felt was a problem.
Quote:
Originally Posted by NilaJones
I'll tell you something. I have an extremely high sex drive, and I love sex. And I normally have dozens of orgasms in an hour (no joke).
But I have had the experience of sleeping with a man who was willing to do anything -- and I knew that there was nothing he could do that was going to get me off. I think some other women (and maybe some men) will chime in and say that they know what I mean.
Often it's not about what you do. It's about how you do it.
My guess would be, based on your description of her behaviour, that she loves you an awful lot, and that she did not want to tell you this bad news.
I could see that. But WHY? Because of a horrible lack of skill, or lack of attraction, or what?
And how would she ever expect me to even attempt to get better, if she's unwilling to let me try, or even tell me what the problem is? I guess what you're getting at is that I am so bumbling and awkward at what she does let me do, she's assuming I'll suck at everything else?
Except that if she thought that, she was wrong...since she has had orgasms recently.
Quote:
Originally Posted by NilaJones
Usually when women say they want you to 'take charge', what they mean is that they want to feel powerfully desired. And of course they also want their feelings to be taken into account, at every moment.
I think the way to do this is to become very skilled, both of you, at bringing her to orgasm, before you try the 'taking charge' part. Until then, let it be a fantasy.
Well, in the past, when I've tried to take that approach, she usually laughed or rejected me anyway. The thing is, it's not in my nature to be that dominant, so when I try, it just looks stupid.
Ok, that is excellent progress for the two of you!
How does she feel about her orgasms, now? Did she find the loss of control upsetting? Or is she enthusiastic about repeating the experience? Has it become something you two make sure happens every time you have sex?
These questions are to help me/us understand whether her lack of orgasms before had a psychological component, or a physical one, or was just do to lack of skill (for both of you).
She says they feel good, better than she expected, but still says she doesn't know what all the fuss is about. She has admitted that it's so hard to reach orgasm for her, that it takes the fun out. However, she's willing to keep working on it.
Definitely psychological. Hormones are good, no other physical issues.
Quote:
Originally Posted by NilaJones
The absence of empathy that you show in your posts, and the intense, throttled, rage, for example, would definitely keep me from orgasm. What are you doing to work on these issues?
I'm actually quite empathetic. Read some of my earlier posts. I'm venting a bit here. I don't see any "intense, throttled, rage" however.
I do appreciate all the advice. I've gotten great feedback, but so much information is contradictory, too.
So, you touch her too much, or give her too much and she is turned off because you're clingy. She needs space and her "me" time. Yet, give her too much space, and she isn't properly turned on, and still rejects you.
Help around the house, and you demasculinize yourself and she isn't turned on. Don't help around the house, and she's too resentful towards you for not helping, that she isn't turned on.
Can't win no matter what. Sometimes, I think it's just easier to masturbate.
I do appreciate all the advice. I've gotten great feedback, but so much information is contradictory, too.
So, you touch her too much, or give her too much and she is turned off because you're clingy. She needs space and her "me" time. Yet, give her too much space, and she isn't properly turned on, and still rejects you.
Help around the house, and you demasculinize yourself and she isn't turned on. Don't help around the house, and she's too resentful towards you for not helping, that she isn't turned on.
Can't win no matter what. Sometimes, I think it's just easier to masturbate.
This is why I said that the only person you should be talking to about this should be her. We aren't your wife - so we don't really know what will help the situation - if anything will. You married a woman who doesn't enjoy sex - and you had to know that at some level going into the marriage. I'm not sure why you thought things would get better but if they can get better - the only person that can help you is your wife.
This is why I said that the only person you should be talking to about this should be her. We aren't your wife - so we don't really know what will help the situation - if anything will. You married a woman who doesn't enjoy sex - and you had to know that at some level going into the marriage. I'm not sure why you thought things would get better but if they can get better - the only person that can help you is your wife.
Thanks, Dewdrop, I appreciate that.
It IS actually improving. Sometimes I have to post here to clear my own head, I guess. Get all the bad stuff out before it affects me elsewhere in life.
As far as why I married her...well...yes, I knew she wasn't that "into" sex, although we at least had it. I figured, over time, as we learned to communicate better, she'd get better. I was wrong. However, I also thought it wasn't all that important in the grand scheme of things, and the other factors in the relationship (which are, and were, good) would override it.
Well, there's a lot of truth to the saying that "sex is no big deal, unless you aren't getting any".
It makes perfect sense from an evolutionary/biological perspective. And even though the totality of human interaction, especially male/female, is governed by those principles, the posters around here (especially the womenfolk) will go to great lengths to deny it.
Your wife may have a medical problem, and there's not much you can do about that.
But it seems far more likely to me that your wife has lost attraction for you. There are things you can do to regain it, but it's not advice you are going to get on this forum.
Step 1: make yourself far less available to your wife. Make yourself scarce, be too busy with important things to hang out, preferably out of town. Do not follow her around the house, do not supplicate to her. Do not beg or whine about sex, talk about your feeeeelings or anything else. Refuse physical contact from her that has any kind of brother/sister dynamic to it...i.e. hugs, pecks on the cheek, etc. For every 3 times she says "I love you," you say it once.
If you read back through this thread you'll notice that a recurrent theme is that a lot of the women can't articulate what it is that turns them on about one guy but not the next. It is your job to take action and figure it out. Your wife needs you to excite her.
It makes perfect sense from an evolutionary/biological perspective. And even though the totality of human interaction, especially male/female, is governed by those principles, the posters around here (especially the womenfolk) will go to great lengths to deny it.
Your wife may have a medical problem, and there's not much you can do about that.
But it seems far more likely to me that your wife has lost attraction for you. There are things you can do to regain it, but it's not advice you are going to get on this forum.
Step 1: make yourself far less available to your wife. Make yourself scarce, be too busy with important things to hang out, preferably out of town. Do not follow her around the house, do not supplicate to her. Do not beg or whine about sex, talk about your feeeeelings or anything else. Refuse physical contact from her that has any kind of brother/sister dynamic to it...i.e. hugs, pecks on the cheek, etc. For every 3 times she says "I love you," you say it once.
If you read back through this thread you'll notice that a recurrent theme is that a lot of the women can't articulate what it is that turns them on about one guy but not the next. It is your job to take action and figure it out. Your wife needs you to excite her.
So I'm supposed to abandon my wife and children, make her do even MORE around the house, so she's so exhausted she can't even talk, and that's going to excite her?
So I'm supposed to "excite" her. What exactly does that mean? I know what it means, but I don't know what excites her.
It makes perfect sense from an evolutionary/biological perspective. And even though the totality of human interaction, especially male/female, is governed by those principles, the posters around here (especially the womenfolk) will go to great lengths to deny it.
Your wife may have a medical problem, and there's not much you can do about that.
But it seems far more likely to me that your wife has lost attraction for you. There are things you can do to regain it, but it's not advice you are going to get on this forum.
Step 1: make yourself far less available to your wife. Make yourself scarce, be too busy with important things to hang out, preferably out of town. Do not follow her around the house, do not supplicate to her. Do not beg or whine about sex, talk about your feeeeelings or anything else. Refuse physical contact from her that has any kind of brother/sister dynamic to it...i.e. hugs, pecks on the cheek, etc. For every 3 times she says "I love you," you say it once.
If you read back through this thread you'll notice that a recurrent theme is that a lot of the women can't articulate what it is that turns them on about one guy but not the next. It is your job to take action and figure it out. Your wife needs you to excite her.
Did you get that advice from one of those PUA websites?
The OP has kids, I think. Do you really think that being a deadbeat dad, going out to bars in foreign cities while his wife feels like a single mom is going to help things?
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