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On paper, my boyfriend and I are perfect match. However, since I met him he can be somewhat exhausting to be around since he is fairly intense in terms of his behavior. Specifically, he can talk on and on about the same subject indicating his point of view and saying I should do this or that about it many times even though I say I get it.
He also can become emotionally involved with his own conversation. In addition, he can be very outspoken and opinionated most of the time. I keep on telling him he’s a character and I’ve never been around a person like this but while I enjoy his personality sometimes other times frankly can get on your nerves and some of the statements he makes are hurtful even though that may not be his intent as well as being totally exhausting! You have to keep two steps ahead of him to properly address what he has to say at any particular moment. I think the thing that really pushes me over the edge sometimes is that he is so opinionated with no opinion is even requested an extremely outspoken. This has resulted in two incidents since I started seeing him a little over a year ago one involving my adult child and one involving me more recently where I felt that he went way beyond the boundaries of what he should be saying to me and how we should be saying it about nothing involving him.
i know people generally cannot change so I’m a little concerned because even if I say something to him I don’t think this is something he can really control it’s probably the way he’s been for quite some time. It’s like he has no filter sometimes. Does anyone have any suggestions since I do want to continue to see him and ultimately stay in a long-term relationship with him resulting in living together/marriage if we remain compatible.
He is very loving and caring and the difficult part of his personality (when he starts to rant and rave) is about 15% of the time. Otherwise, he is gentle so it's hard to figure out.
Who someone is "on paper" matters little if you cannot deal with who they are in reality.
A wise woman would not marry or live with such a person as your boyfriend. If you'd like to keep seeing one another, make sure that you each retain your own separate residences (and separate finances, too).
To me, there are always going to be men with strong opinions and it doesn't have to be considered a problem if it's about issues that don't matter much to you (such as sports or Facebook trivia). If his opinions are directed against you in a personal way (such as about your adult child) and you feel it's intrusive and that he's overstepping boundaries too soon in the relationship, then that's a red flag, but before jumping to conclusions, maybe you should try to figure out if you're being too sensitive. Ask him what he means to get out of this opinionated approach.
I don't see too much in your post about whether you've talked to him about this dynamic and how it makes you feel. You say it was hurtful--did you tell him you felt hurt? When you felt he went beyond boundaries, did you tell him that?
If you guys are having a conflict, does he listen respectfully to your feelings or does he try to plow over you and shut you down?
I think these are just some of the things I'd want to look at, rather than just dumping someone who has a certain negative trait. If the man has many positive good qualities and this is one negative trait that only bothers you 15% of the time, then dumping him isn't the right thing to do. You will always meet men with various negative traits. YOU have negative traits too, maybe you two should sit and have a frank discussion about better ways to communicate and handle conflicts before it gets out of hand.
You mean like when he told you you didn't know how to brush your own hair? Or when he told you were overweight while having sex? You have enough concerns to write something at least once a month.
You're not at all sure that your compatible now. What do you expect to change?
You mean like when he told you you didn't know how to brush your own hair? Or when he told you were overweight while having sex? You have enough concerns to write something at least once a month.
You're not at all sure that your compatible now. What do you expect to change?
When I read the original post, I said to myself "well nobody is perfect" and if everything else is going well then you just have to accept him the way he is. However if he's made the above statements, that seems more controlling rather than strong opinions. Seems like he's also playing on your insecurities, I mean telling a woman she's overweight during sex, that's pretty harsh and just flat out mean.
On paper, my boyfriend and I are perfect match. However, since I met him he can be somewhat exhausting to be around since he is fairly intense in terms of his behavior. Specifically, he can talk on and on about the same subject indicating his point of view and saying I should do this or that about it many times even though I say I get it.
He also can become emotionally involved with his own conversation. In addition, he can be very outspoken and opinionated most of the time. I keep on telling him he’s a character and I’ve never been around a person like this but while I enjoy his personality sometimes other times frankly can get on your nerves and some of the statements he makes are hurtful even though that may not be his intent as well as being totally exhausting! You have to keep two steps ahead of him to properly address what he has to say at any particular moment. I think the thing that really pushes me over the edge sometimes is that he is so opinionated with no opinion is even requested an extremely outspoken. This has resulted in two incidents since I started seeing him a little over a year ago one involving my adult child and one involving me more recently where I felt that he went way beyond the boundaries of what he should be saying to me and how we should be saying it about nothing involving him.
i know people generally cannot change so I’m a little concerned because even if I say something to him I don’t think this is something he can really control it’s probably the way he’s been for quite some time. It’s like he has no filter sometimes. Does anyone have any suggestions since I do want to continue to see him and ultimately stay in a long-term relationship with him resulting in living together/marriage if we remain compatible.
He is very loving and caring and the difficult part of his personality (when he starts to rant and rave) is about 15% of the time. Otherwise, he is gentle so it's hard to figure out.
Not a good match. The "loving" side seems like a veneer disguising the rest of it.
The thing of having arguments with yourself about whether it's really all that bad, imagining how much worse it could be with someone else, he's "mostly a good guy"...the mental gymnastics to justify sticking with someone who, deep down, you've got real concerns about... Boy, does that sound familiar.
Maybe you get lucky and it never happens, but it's been my observation in these kinds of situations that not only do you NOT change someone, but eventually when life puts pressure on them, things get worse. How bad does it have to be, for you to tip over to the thinking that you don't want to be with that person? 25% bad? 50% bad? 100% bad? The worst people usually are not 100% bad. That doesn't mean that there was ever realistic hope that they'd be good in all the ways you might want, though.
And the more significant question in my mind, is how much harder could it be to leave if one day you really want to. For most people, when we try to proceed in a relationship, that means more and more entanglements. Living together, sharing financial accounts, having children together...there are tons of ways in which we surrender our independence, and therefore our ability to easily make autonomous choices. How much have you surrendered already? Hell, even when a person in such a relationship has technically the resources to make it on their own, sometimes we get loaded down with guilt if the other person doesn't... You can find yourself in a situation where you don't really like this partner, don't want to be with them anymore, but at the same time, don't want to cause them pain or ruin, so you let compassion hold you hostage. Until eventually it gets bad enough for your need to save yourself, to outweigh the ongoing need to save them... So many possible outcomes.
I think sometimes you've got to set aside the question of whether alternatives might be worse or better (because honestly none of us really knows that) and just really ask yourself, is THIS...all of this...the whole package, including the 15% crap...what you WANT in your life? This is your life, do you want this? You can't know if it gets better or worse, so all you can assess is what it is today.
If you aren't seeing a red flag, maybe you're seeing a yellow one. You know what that should mean? Keep trying to be in this relationship if you want, but keep the resources on standby so that you can bail if it goes up in flames, maybe.
NO WAY would I want this! I just mentioned the other day on another thread here about good qualities of a person outweighing the bad & determining what one should put up w/ or not.
Now from what you say, he's great except for this 1 thing, but I can see how mentally & physically exhausting just conversing w/ him is. It's like you always have to be ON & debate w/ him.
No one wants that unless they really like to be in constant confrontation & maybe there's a lady out there like that who'll like this, but NOT ME!
Are you sure he does this ONLY 15% of the time? Seems like more to me & growing worse & worse. SOLELY constructive debating is maybe fine 5% of the time but NEVER the hurting of feelings & degrading, etc. Overall, you probably want what most of us do...a fun, mellow person who can take a breather & relax & be calm & go w/ the flow. Sure, be mad or firm when the (hopefully few) legit situations calls for it, but who wants that unnecessary intensity & degrading overall, day in & day out?
Last edited by Forever Blue; 09-30-2020 at 10:42 AM..
You mean like when he told you you didn't know how to brush your own hair? Or when he told you were overweight while having sex? You have enough concerns to write something at least once a month.
You're not at all sure that your compatible now. What do you expect to change?
All I can say is staying with a person who would say the things above means the future is going to be a world of hurt.
A miserable life is coming if you stay with him.
That type of guy will ramp the insults up and control maneuvers considerably once he has you two living together, and especially if you get married. Then the gloves come off and he doesn't even have to pretend to be a nice guy anymore. Meet the future.
But whether you will trust yourself and what you already know, is the question. So what's it going to be? Stick your head in the sand and pretend he's a better person than he is, or play the tape further and realize that it is only going to get worse?
There is one other possibility in judging him. He could simply be that stupid that he doesn't realize how bad he sounds. Of course signing up for stupid wouldn't be on my list of things to do either....
Verytired123,
You need a good dose of healthy self esteem so that the title of this thread "is it me?" portion disappears from your thinking. I'm rooting for you all the way. Google and read sites on how to lift up your self esteem and self respect. You deserve to do the work for these things, and nobody said it is going to be easy, but it will be well worth it.
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